Lose Your Way
By Bri

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Buffy characters. Lose Your Way is by Sophie B. Hawkins and can be found on her album Tiembre. I own the story only and write only for entertainment purposes only. I am receiving no financial gain from this whatsoever.

The cold night wind rattled the old windows of the mansion, and Buffy shivered slightly. She had promised herself she would not cry, but she'd broken that promise after reading the letter from Angel. She had to give in to herself; something she rarely did. Even thought she fought them, the hot tears began to cascade down her cheeks, and she sat on his bed, clutching the note. Just a minute ago, she had answered it aloud. "Always," she'd said. "Always." Now it seemed like that was a million years ago, even further than when they had been together that rainy night. It had just sunk in that Angel was gone; it wasn't a fairy tale. She sighed and slid off the bed, heading for the door. She had slayage to do.

Buffy walked through Mercer cemetary, idly looking for vampires. She was relieved when none appeared, and sat down to mope. She'd replayed this scene a thousand times, except her version was a fairy tale. He'd never left, and when they kissed, she felt like dying, it was that much like heaven. He'd warned her somewhat, but she had not listened. She'd fell in love with him anyway. Loved him so much it hurt.

Her mind flashed back to that fateful night. It was her birthday. Everybody had gone all out, given her a surprise party. They had showed that they really cared for her, especially Angel. Spike and Dru had a little surprise of their own. A demon, quite a strong one. They had intercepted a shipment of part of the demon, the Judge, and Angel planned to take it across the world, where no human couldn't find it. Spike's henchmen, fellow vampires, had stopped Angel from getting on the boat. Just before he was to get on, he'd given her a claddaugh ring. It was pouring down rain, and they had said "I love you" to each other. Then, Buffy had given herself to him, and they had made love. She had given Angel his one moment of true happiness and the reward? Angel turning.

Angel being cold and heartless to her, till it had reached the point where she to kill him. Willow had cast the spell she and Buffy had found under Jenny's desk, but by then, the portal had opened. Angel didn't know about anything that had happened after he'd turned and he was a whole new person. She'd held him close, told him what was happening didn't matter, to close his eyes, and she'd stabbed him. Taken a sword to him, ran it through. Angel's love for her was so deep, he had return from Hell. He came back, she'd run away to L.A. She'd continued dreaming about him, but never thought she'd see him again.

She got off the cold cement bench and began the short walk home. Wearily, she climbed up the stairs to her modestly decorated bedroom, and got ready for bed. Turning on the radio, for company, she crawled under the covers, and closed her eyes as the beginning chords of a familiar song came wafting through the room. She hummed along, the tune getting softer and softer, until she finally drifted off to sleep.

The next day, later she reluctantly went to Willow's house with Willow, who'd insisted she'd go, her thoughts on Angel the entire day. She realized she had to move on eventually, but didn't feel like "healing" now.

"Buffy, how is the Angel thing?" Willow had asked, approaching her gingerly.

Buffy smiled faintly. "I'm dealing. Takes time, but I am." Willow nodded.

"That's all you can do, Buf. I'm there for you, I just want you to know that, she replied.

"I know Willow. Right now, all I need is some alone time. You understand?"

"Yeah, Buf. I know. I felt the same after Oz and you know... " Willow trailed off.

Buffy arrived and instantly noticed all eyes were on her. "You guys, really, I'm fine, really. I'm not "Happy-go-lucky girl," but I'm okay," Buffy stressed, as she flopped on Willow's richly upholstered sofa.

"Heard from Cordelia?" Willow asked Xander, trying to change the subject.

"Yes, I got a postcard today. She's dealing herself...and guess who's her friend?"

"Who?" Buffy asked, curious.

"Angel," Xander replied. Then he realized his mistake and hit himself on the forehead. "Sorry, Buffy. Stupid me!"

She patted his hand reassuringly. "It's okay, Xander. We will have to mention Angel sometimes...just got to get used to it," she said, faking a smile. " I mean, he's not coming back, this time. I know that I can't live in a dream. I have things to do. Girl things, slayage things, school things," she added with a grimace.

"Hey, at least we're all going to the same college, right? That's gotta be good," Willow said, trying to lighten the mood.

Xander nodded. "I can't believe it. With my grades, I was on the fasttrack to Refridgerator Repair school," he quipped. "But, Sunnydale U accepted me."

"Well, that's gotta be good, right? It is good, I think," Willow.

"Yeah, Wil. It's great. We'll all be together again," Buffy said mundanely.

"Yeah," they all chorused.

"Hey, where's Giles?" Oz asked.

"With my mom," Buffy answered, his nose wrinkling at the mention of the couple. "They went for coffee." She looked at her watch and frowned. "That reminds me. I have to go. Gotta meet mom," she said, grabbing her coat. It was summer, but the weather was eerily chilly. It seemed the world was mourning along with her, to Buffy. She'd had to drag her old leather coat out of the closet, the one Angel had given her. When she wore it, she felt his prescence. Like he was an angel, watching over her. In some ways, he had been.

She had lied to Willow and the rest of the Scooby Gang. She wasn't going home, but instead was headed to the mansion. She clutched the letter in her hand, making sure it wasn't an illusion. She'd written it that day, before she had left for Willow's. It wouldn't make anything better, she knew, but it would ease the suffering she felt. It was wound. A wound in her heart, mind, body, soul. Festering with the guilt she carried that maybe this would not have happened if she'd only done something different.

She quickly reached the mansion and stepped inside. She noticed the note from the other day laying on the floor, and picked it up, smoothing out the wrinkles and placing it lovingly in her pocket. She re-read the note, making sure it was perfect.

Dear Angel,

You'll never get this letter, I am sure. All the heartache, tears and hope I put into it will be for naught, but I had to do something, you must understand. This feeling of loss, of loneliness, it's unlike anything I have ever felt. And it's all from you. All I wanted to do was love you. Was that so wrong? You said you would never leave me, yet you did and left me with dreams of us riding into the sunset. Dreams of us that are just what they are, dreams.

This pain is eating me up inside and it's time to say goodbye. I've been living in a fog of us for too long, and I can't anymore. Every night, since you left, I wake up calling your name, only to be answered by silence. I see and feel your presence when I pass the empty mansion. I seems that if I lost my way, you would always follow, and guide me to the right path. I gave all I have to give and you said, "I love you always." I just want you to know that I am always your girl, even if we had to say goodbye. It was goodbye for now. I will love you when the stars are falling, and on that star, I'll make a wish for you. Maybe it'll come true one day. Angel, even though we can't be together, I'll always love you. You're the one that I want. I will always hold in my heart the memory of you, the memory of love, but most of all, the memory of us.

With all my love,
Buffy

She placed the note on his bed, with a single red rose she had picked, and left. When she got home, she turned the radio on again, for company. She felt lonely and isolated from the world and needed some comfort. As she was sliding under the covers, the familiar song came on again. This time, she sang along to it softly, her unsure voice getting stronger with each lyric.

Lose your way
And I will follow
Here today
And here tomorrow
But my freedom I know
I'll never let you go

I still wish on the evening star
And I suppose I always will
Every child loses something
A whole life can't fulfill

And when you cry I feel the sky
Burst open in my veins

If loving you makes a slave of me
Then I'll spend my whole life in chains

Lose your way
And I will follow
Here today
And here tomorrow
But my freedom I know
I'll never let you go

Walk the line
I'll walk inside you
Change your mind
Let your love decide you
It's the reason I know
To never let me go
Never let me go
Lose your way
And I will follow
Here today
And here tomorrow
But my freedom I know
I'll never let you go

Walk the line
I'll walk inside you
Change your mind
Let your love decide you
It's the reason I know
To never let me go
Never let me go

She smiled to herself, and looked out the window. The stars seemed to shine brighter than ever, and the heartfelt song lulled her gently to sleep. "Always, Angel," she whispered. "Always."

The End