The Value of a Moment

By Felicity

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. They belong to Joss Whedon and all the good people at the WB, Fox, etc.

Author's Note: This is the first in a trilogy. It takes place right before Becoming. I made the Anniversary up for dramatic effect, just in case anyone's wondering. The next story introduces a new character and new bad guys and the third brings them all together. I love comments, even criticism, as long as it has some actual constructive stuff in it and it's not just trashing my work *sniff, sniff* Anyway...I really love good comments... But on to the story. Enjoy...

********************

Happy Anniversary, the note said. She wasn’t as good as you. That was all. That was enough. More than enough.

The girl had been raped before her blood had been drained from her. She couldn’t be older than thirteen or fourteen. He had left her on the roof, outside Buffy’s window. So she would see when she opened the blinds. And she had. She had certainly seen.

There was a rose too–one rose, and the note in his hand writing. It wasn’t signed. It didn’t have to be. She knew who had left it. Of course she knew–who else could it be? It was always him. Always.

This was the last time. The end. He wouldn’t ever do this to her again. He wouldn’t ever do this to anyone.

On the first day of June, with birds singing outside, Buffy vowed for the last time to kill Angelus, who had once been Angel, whom she had loved.

********************

“Giles you’ll never guess what what I found!” Willow cried, running into the library. “Where’s Buffy?” The Watcher looked up at her in suprise.

“Hm?” he asked. “Oh, I haven’t seen her all day. I thought she was with you.” Willow shook her head.

“I haven’t seen her either. She was supposed to meet me earlier to study–you know, finals are coming up–but she didn’t show, so I figured she was here. I wonder where she could be?”

“She probably got distracted with something,” Giles said, rolling his eyes. Willow smiled slightly, then remembered why she had come in.

“But you have to see what I found! It’s a disk, of Ms. Calendar’s,” Willow said excitedly. Giles’ head snapped back up at the mention of the late teacher.

“What is it?” he asked.

“A restoration spell. For Angel! That’s why he killed her, because she found a way to bring her back. I have to tell Buffy! The spell’s actually really simple, but she had to translate it. She’d just found the answer I think when he came in. But he didn’t find the disk–it fell down between the wall and her desk, but my pen fell there this morning and I moved the desk to get it and there was the disk!”

“O-oh my. This . . . this is very . . . well, it could change everything. We must find Buffy at once,” Giles said. Willow nodded.

“I’m sure she’ll come before school starts. Here, I’ll show you while we wait,” Willow said, going over to the library’s one computer–which was only there against Giles’ strenuous objections–and popping the disk in. She double clicked on a file and the spell opened.

“See, here’s the original and here’s her translation. The only thing we need is an Orb of Thessala, whatever that is,” Willow said, pointing to part of the directions. Giles studied the spell intently.

“The question remains . . . that is, do we want to change him back?” Giles pointed out.

“But–” Willow began, then stopped and started again. “I know he killed Ms. Calendar, but that wasn’t really Angel, it was Angelus. Besides, as Angelus he might kill Buffy, and we don’t want her in any extra danger.” Giles was nodding, but he looked very troubled. Well he had taken the computer teacher’s death very hard. They’d been very close at least, if not in love. Willow felt really bad for him, but there was Buffy to think about. Who wasn’t there.

“We should call a meeting, and discuss it later. For the moment could you . . . keep this to yourself?” Giles asked. Willow nodded, then shook her head.

“Well, I have to tell Buffy if I see her,” she pointed out.

“All right. You can tell Buffy, but no one else. For now, at least,” Giles said. Willow nodded, this time satisfied.

“Okay. I’m going to go look for her. I’m sort of worried. I’ll see you at lunch,” Willow said, tucking the disk in a protective case and into her pocket. “And I’m going to make everyone copies of the disk, just in case.”

“G-good idea,” Giles said, his thoughts obviously elsewhere.

“Well, ‘bye,” Willow said, waving as she left the library.

“Good bye,” he said absently, turning away as soon as the door shut behind Willow. Here was a chance to restore the soul of one of the more dangerous vampires they faced . . . and return the man Buffy was . . . extremely attached to. On of the other hand, it would be giving away all chance of vengeance for Jenny’s death. But wasn’t this what she had wanted? Giles took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. He had suddenly developed a horrible headache.

********************

A part of Buffy’s mind registered that school was starting any minute and that she had missed an arranged meeting with Willow to study. A very small part of her mind

She’d left home like any other morning, telling her mom she felt like walking that morning, so Joyce wouldn’t drive her to school. Her mother had looked puzzled, but kissed her good bye and told her to be good. Be good. Oh yes, she’d be very good. She was going to do what she should have done a long time ago. Kill Angel. Or Angelus. Or whoever. As long as it stopped. No one else was going to get hurt because she couldn’t do what was needed. Because whenever she looked at him all she could see was the man she loved.

Never again. From now on Buffy was going to see the vampire. The killer. The creature of the night. And she was going to kill him.

She couldn’t do it right away. For one thing, she couldn’t just go down to his little hideout. She knew she couldn’t fight them all off, and besides, it was only Angelus she wanted now. The rest could wait. She would kill them too–just not right away. Or even as soon as possible. Him she would kill as soon as possible.

She’d have to get him out of his lair. Buffy could do it, but it might take a little while. So it probably wouldn’t be that night. In the meanwhile she needed a place to hide. She couldn’t go to school, not like this. She’d have to face them all, and tell them about . . . She couldn’t do it. They would try to stop her anyway. They would tell her that she should wait, wait for a weak spot. But she couldn’t wait. She had to strike now. To kill him now. As soon as possible. And she certainly couldn’t go home and listen to her mother’s worried questions and/or lectures, depending on her mood. She needed a place to hide.

She went to his apartment. He never used it anymore, but for some reason all his stuff was still there. And she still had a key to the door. She let herself in, switched on the light, looked around. It was still familiar. Everything was so familiar. Right where it had been the last time she’d come there.

Buffy’s leg shot out suddenly and a vase tumbled to the floor and broke into little pieces. She didn’t know why she’d done that. She just had to break something . . . of his. It had been a beautiful vase though, and he had loved it. Before.

*Before I took away his soul,* her mind whispered. But she hadn’t known. Hadn’t had any idea.

She should have known. She should have. He hadn’t even wanted . . . well he had, but he said *maybe we shouldn’t* and she had shaken her head and kissed him and they had and it was all her fault.

Buffy dropped to her knees beside the pieces of the vase and began picking them up, trying to restore it, though she knew it was impossible. As it was impossible to restore his soul. All she ever did was break. She couldn’t fix anything.

“Stop it,” Buffy told herself out loud, letting the pieces slide out of her fingers, to the floor. “You have a job to do.” And she would do it. This time she would do it. She would not fail again. There would be no more casualties of her cowardice. She would do it this time.

She took his ring off her finger.

*********************

“So what’s the big deal? And where’s Buffy? I haven’t seen her all day,” Xander remarked. Willow and Giles exchanged worried looks. The Watcher and all the Slayerettes were gathered in the library for lunch, but the Slayer herself was noticeably absent.

“I haven’t seen her either. She was supposed to meet me this morning but she never came,” Willow said.

“Isn’t she supposed to like, call if she’s staying home sick? I mean, she could think of someone else for a moment,” Cordelia remarked.

“And who would that be?” Xander asked.

“Well, me for one. I worry!” she protested. Xander arched his eyebrows.

“We all know you worry–about your hair, your make-up, your–”

“I worry about mo–”

“Would you two please quit for a moment?” Giles interupted sharply. They both fell silent and looked to the librarian, though they kept exchanging annoyed glances. “We have . . . rather a minor crisis on our hands, and no one knows where Buffy is. Who saw her last?”

“We studied together last night,” Willow said. “She’s really worried about finals. She seemed fine though. I mean . . . as fine as usual. I’ll go call her and see if she just forgot to call in today.” Giles nodded and Willow–with a smile for Oz–walked into his office to use the phone.

“So what’s this crisis? Any new demons in town? A witch or two? Or there’s always the classic vampire,” Xander said. Giles shook his head.

“None of those. It’s not . . . not precisely a crisis. I wanted to wait for Buffy, but since she’d obviously not here at the moment I don’t see any reason to wait,” he said.

“Um . . . Willow?” Oz suggested, speaking up for the first time.

“She already knows,” Giles said.

“Why does Willow know?” Cordelia demanded. “I mean, it’s not like she does more than any of us! Unfair much!”

“She knows because she was the one that discovered the . . . crisis,” Giles said, obviously fed up.

“Well fine! You could have told us that before!” Cordelia exclaimed.

“Now’s the time to give up while you still have SOME dignity left,” Xander pointed out. “Well, dignity may be too strong a word with you, but . . .” She shot him a poisonous look but subsided. He shut up at another look from Giles.

“So are we gonna hear what this crisis is?” Oz asked. Giles opened his mouth to reply, but Willow walked back in with a worried look on her face.

“What is it?” Xander asked.

“Her mom was home for lunch and she said Buffy came to school like normal this morning. She said Buffy seemed a little strange and said she wanted to walk to school. Buffy NEVER wants to walk to school,” Willow exclaimed.

“What kind of strange?” Xander asked.

“What KIND of strange? That definitely takes the cake for stupid questions in a moment of crisis,” Cordelia put in. Xander turned to reply but Willow was already talking.

“Withdrawn, her mom said. She wouldn’t say much, and she had a totally blank expression on her face. I wonder if Angel did something to her,” Willow said.

“Angelus,” Giles corrected. Willow nodded and Xander sighed. Personally, he’d never seen much difference between the two. Well, okay he had, but that was beside the point.

“What could he have done to her in her bedroom? I mean, she changed the locks and dis-invited him and everything, so he can’t come in anymore, right?” Cordelia said.

“Right,” Willow confirmed, trying to convince herself everything was fine. “He could still come up on her roof though, and talk to her. Or leave something there. Something bad. I bet Buffy would react like that if he left her something really bad,” Willow said, getting more panicked.

“Well let’s assume he did. What would she do?” Giles asked.

“It depends on how bad. She might . . . decide she had to kill him. But she wouldn’t be stupid enough to go after him with all those other vampires around. She would never even GET to Angel that way,” Willow said.

“Maybe he like totally freaked her out and then somehow had her abducted while she wasn’t being careful,” Cordelia suggested. Willow turned white and spun around to Giles.

“We have to do it then! Right away! What if he has her right now?” Willow exclaimed. Giles looked extremely frightened and everyone else looked frightened and slightly confused.

“I think there’s something I’m not getting here,” Oz said slowly.

“Do what? And what’s this crisis thing anyway?” Cordelia demanded. Giles turned to the other Slayerettes and told them about the restoration spell.

“But we can’t do it! He doesn’t deserve his soul back! He killed Ms. Calendar!” Xander exclaimed.

“What about Buffy? What if he has her? Knowing Angel, he wouldn’t kill her right away, so we might have time. But we have to do it, if there’s even a chance to save Buffy!” Willow exclaimed vehemently.

“She’s right Xander,” Cordelia said. “Buffy’s more important. I mean, she’s living, right? We can help her. We can’t help Ms. Calendar.”

“Willow and Cordelia are right. We must do the ritual, and as soon as possible. First, we need an Orb of Thessala. I looked them up earlier. They look like little glass balls for the most part, but there are distinctions,” Giles said, picking up a book and opening it to a marked page. They all looked intently at the picture.

“I’ll check the pawn shops around town,” Oz volunteered.

“I’ll go with him,” Willow said.

“And Cordie and I can go visit our dear friend the local snitch,” Xander said.

“I’ll prepare the other ingredients,” Giles said, nodding.

“And try to think of places Buffy might go . . . in case Angelus doesn’t have her and she’s just freaked out or something,” Willow said. “I’ll keep checking at her house.”

“Good. We’ll meet back here tonight at sundown. Good luck,” Giles said. The bell rang and they all turned away to go to class, but among them all, not one was thinking of school.

********************

It would be that night, after all.

Apparently, though Angel didn’t use his apartment anymore, some of his friends did. After he became a vampire again it seemed that he had opened a sewer entrance beneath his apartment so his minions could come in and out during the day. Which they did. Or at least . . . tried to do.

Buffy was planning when the first one opened the trap door and began to climb out. He didn’t even have time to shout out a warning before she sent a stake into his heart. A layer of dust settled over the floor.

The second one gave a cry and leaped out–probably not the smartest thing he could have done–to challenge her. Buffy pointed this out to him as she kicked his face in and staked him. She peered down the trap door. There weren’t any more.

“Too bad,” Buffy sighed. “I guess this is all the dust I get today.” Angel was going to get a little present . . . like the present he’d left for her. True, he wouldn’t care about the loss of a few minions, but he would care about her killing them, and about the message she would send with them.

Using a broom she found in the closet she carefully collected up all the dust and put it into a small jar she found on a shelf. She pulled a piece of paper from his desk and dipped his feather pen in the ink jar. My, he HAD been old-fashioned. All the better though . . . he would know where she had been, and that she was over him. Completely. Totally. After all, she was going to kill him.

It was so sweet of you to remember our anniversary. What do you say we get together and have a little fun to celebrate? I’m up for dancing. Just the two of us. See you there, Buffy wrote. She didn’t sign it. She didn’t need to. She taped it to the jar and took the trap door down. She had to deliver it–carefully, but she needed to all the same. It wouldn’t do to get caught, but she needed him to see it. Because she knew he would come. He wouldn’t be able to resist. And he never could realize that she was better than him.

The sewer was exactly the same as it always was–dark and bad-smelling and just incredibly icky! Buffy hated the sewers. She always ruined her clothes coming down there. *The things I do for revenge . . .* she sighed mentally. Talking was not an option anymore. There could be vampires anywhere, and it wouldn’t do to give them advance warning. And in a place as echoing as this, any sound would them very advanced warning. So she was quiet. Very quiet.

Soon enough it wouldn’t have matter how loud she was, because they were louder. Well, most of them were asleep–Dru and Spike and Angel at least, and the higher placed minions–some were left to guard, but they weren’t important. She could get away from then. She just had to make sure that the important three were sleeping as they should be. Important two really–Spike couldn’t do much anymore. What a pity.

She’d closed the jar so none of the dust would fall out, but if they didn’t catch it it would break anyway. Not that the dust was important–it was the note that mattered, and he would get that anyway.

They were very loose in their guarding. She’d have to tell him that before she killed him. So he would know there was one more thing he did. Or didn’t do. So he would know he wasn’t as good as he thought he was. But by then, he’d know that anyway.

“Catch,” Buffy called, throwing the jar down into their dwelling. One of the vampires on guard looked up with a snarl–but caught it anyway, primarily because it had been hurtling toward his head. And then they were all moving but Buffy was gone, running. She had made sure she knew where the nearest man-hole was. It was daytime and they wouldn’t be able to follow her once she got out of the sewer. Of course, a human could see her, but that wasn’t nearly as worrying as being caught. Being caught would mean she wouldn’t be able to kill Angel. And she might die. She didn’t know which one was worse at the moment. Both sounded bad.

They were fast, but Buffy was faster, and she had the advantage of suprise. They were closing in, but she also had the advantage of being human, and the minute she lifted up the metal lid, the nearest one to her turned into dust, burned up by the sunlight. The other shrank back, hiding their eyes. Buffy grinned and pulled herself up and out.

“ ‘Bye, have a nice day,” she called back, deliberately leaving the hole open. They’d just have to avoid the spot–and anywhere within eye-range of it until nightfall, and that could be distinctly annoying for them. Buffy enjoyed annoying them. It was one of those little things that kept one going. That, and killing Angel. Killing Angel would definitely keep her going.

“Mission accomplished,” Buffy said, dusting her hands off and trying to think of what time her mother would be out so she could go and get some clean clothes. After all, she and Angel had a date.

********************

“We found it!” Willow exclaimed exuberantly, entering the library with Oz. He smiled and held up a small crystal ball with the markings of a Thesulan Orb.

“Very good. Especially since Buffy has not yet turned up,” Giles said, taking the Orb. That dampened Willow’s enthusiasm right away and she looked worried again.

“Wouldn’t we like, know if she died? I mean, she’s the Slayer. Wouldn’t something happen?” Cordelia asked. She and Xander had arrived ten minutes earlier, having had absolutely no luck with their local informant. Apparently neither had been strong enough to beat up a guy who was used to being assaulted by vampires. Cordelia had come close when she threatened to use her nails but no go.

“To the next Slayer, but not anything that would let us know right away,” Giles said, the look of worry that had not left his face since that morning deepening.

“Well we’d better get on with the ritual then,” Xander pointed out. “Even if saving Dead Boy is my last choice.”

“Would you shut up?” Cordelia turned on him. “I can’t believe you’re still jealous!”

“This is not about jealousy! It’s about Angel being a very, very bad man. Or vampire,” Xander amended.

“I’m so sure,” she replied, though she didn’t really doubt his reasons . . . it was more strength of habit.

“Let’s just get on with it, shall we?” Giles asked sharply.

“I’m ready,” Willow said. She was going to be doing the main spellcasting.

“Then let’s begin.” He handed the Orb back to Willow and she tok her place in the center of the circle he had drawn on the library floor. Cordelia finished lighting the last candle as Willow opened her mouth and began to speak.

********************

“I thought you weren’t coming,” Buffy said

“How could I miss it?” Angel asked. Angelus, she had to remind herself. This was not Angel. This was Angelus. Not that she was likely to forget it. Not with the little anniversary present he had left for her.

“Would you like to dance?” Buffy asked. There was no hurry now that he was here. Now that she knew she was only moments away from killing him. No hurry at all.

“I’d love to,” Angelus said, taking her hand to lead her to the dance floor. The band that was playing was good, but Buffy didn’t notice. Her whole being was focused on the man beside her. The vampire beside her. Whom she hated with every particle of her soul. Except for the ones that loved him.

It was a slow song. Of course, their last dance had to be. His last dance ever, she would make sure of that. Buffy put her arms around his neck and whispered all the things she would do to him in his ear. In return he told her about all the things he would do . . . all the things he had done. He told her how he had killed Ms. Calendar. How it had felt. And her uncle, he told her about that too. And he reminisced about raping the girl the night before. About the night they had made love. It had been love then, though his saying so now was a distortion to it, a twisting of the thing they had shared when he had a soul and she loved him.

And then the dance was over and Buffy stepped away. Looked at him, into his eyes and knew it was time.

“Shall we step outside?” she asked. He said nothing but motioned for her to precede him. She did, walking outside without any qualms in her heart. She knew what she must do and this time she would do it. This time she wouldn’t fail.

********************

“Angel! Be forever trapped! Live in eternal torment, knowing what you have done and repenting what you did to my people. Forever you shall repent and yet never be saved. And you shall not know happiness for it is misery which holds you!” Willow cried, speaking the words of the spell. It was horrible to have to say this, but even if the curse could have been altered, they didn’t have the time. At least it seemed to be making Xander feel better about the whole thing.

*Only a few more minutes,* Willow thought. *Please let Buffy be okay!* She returned her mind to the task at hand kept talking. Only a few more minutes.

********************

Buffy ducked his punch and struck out with her own kick towards his knees. He moved out of the way–but just barely. She hit his thigh anyway, and he cursed before coming back with a kick-spin-kick combo which she easily avoided. At least, she eaisly avoided the first kick and the second only hit her arm, sending her to the ground, but not hurting her beyond the slightest bruise. She rolled backwards with the fall, and came up ready to fight again. They circled for a moment, and then Buffy moved in, faking a punch and delivering a kick to his chest that sent him backwards in turn.

There was usually banter at this point in a fight, but Buffy was too intent upon her goal to answer any comments he might have made, though he didn’t make any. Which meant he was equally intent, or he was scared. She thought it was probably the latter. He had finally realized that she was better than he was, and that this time she would do it. She would kill him.

She flipped him over on to his back as he tried to punch her again, but he kicked her from behind before she could turn and sent her forward into what turned into a flip. She rounded on him once she was upright again and sent him backwards with a flurry of punches and kicks. He backed up beneath the onslaught, the finally managed to get through one of her punches and rolled away, to the side and then up again, waiting for her. She went to him.

*********************

“I summon you Angel! Come!” Willow cried for the first time. Three times and then the spell would be over. She could only hope that Buffy was still alive. *Just a few seconds. Hold on just a few seconds Buffy!* her mind cried. She opened her mouth to say it the second time.

********************

She had him. He was hers. He was dead. It was just the matter of driving the stake in. And he knew it. Their eyes met for the last time–his full of hatred and evil, hers full of purpose and equal hatred. Hatred of what he had become, of what he had done. And love of what he had been before. Love that could not save him now.

“Good bye Angel,” Buffy whispered. And drove the stake in. There was moment when their eyes met and then he was gone forever, vanished into dust.

********************

“Come!” Willow cried for the last time. The candles flickered and then blew out. The Orb was glowing. It was the only light in the room.

“Does that mean it worked?” Cordelia asked, breaking the silence.

“I think so,” Giles answered.

“Would somebody like to turn on some lights here?” Xander’s voice came from the dark. The lights came on. Oz stood by the door, smiling.

“I thought you might need a lights-guy,” he said. Willow grinned at him, everything but Oz forgotten for the moment. And then she remembered.

“How can we tell for sure? I mean, Buffy might still be in trouble!” Willow exclaimed.

“True. I say we go out looking for her,” Xander proposed.

“What would that do?” Cordelia asked. “You can’t very well go pay a visit on all the vamps and say, ‘excuse me Spike, Dru, Angelus, but we tried a little curse and we’d like to know if it works. Oh, and have you seen the Slayer anywhere?’ And if it did work, they’ll come back here to find out what happened. We should just wait and if they don’t show up, then we can worry.”

“She has a point,” Giles admitted, as if against his better judgement.

“Yeah, she does. I guess we have to wait,” Willow said.

“I just hope they don’t take long,” Cordelia continued, “Because I really need my beauty rest.” She wasn’t overly suprised when everyone chorused,

“Cordelia!”

********************

She had done it. It was over. He was gone. Forever. He was gone.

Buffy started to cry and kept crying the whole way to the school.

********************

“Buffy! You’re all right! Where’s Angel?” Willow exclaimed, leaping to her feet and racing to her friend. She was done crying now, but the marks still showed on her face. She looked up in suprise at her friend’s question and at the fact they were all there, everyone one of them. She had thought it would just be Giles to tell, but now she had to tell them all.

“What do you mean? I killed him. I finally did it. He . . . it was our anniversary. He left me . . . a present this morning. I had to kill him. Why are you all here?” Buffy asked, looking around at each of them. The faces that looked back at her were whiter than ghosts. “What’s the matter?”

“But we changed him back. A few minutes ago. The Orb was glowing–we changed him back!” Willow exclaimed. Buffy turned to her friend and gripped her shoulders strongly.

“What are you talking about? What do you mean?”

And Willow told her, with help from the others. Told her everything. How she had found the disk, and how worried they had been. How they had jumped to conclusions. And thow they had cast the spell, and the Orb of Thessala had glowed.

Xander got up at some point and helped her into a chair because she looked like she would collapse on the floor otherwise. She just sat there, not looking at anything, hearing the words, but not really hearing them. Because if she had waited a moment longer she would have had her Angel back and the other one, Angelus, would have been gone. Gone forever, now that they knew how to keep him away. A second longer . . . because only a moment it must have been if they were accurate in the amount of time that had passed since then. Maybe even before he had died, when she had pushed the stake in. In that moment, maybe it had been then. Maybe she had killed Angel, the real Angel, whom she loved.

If she’d thought she was crying before, it was nothing like what she was doing now. Because now she had made the biggest mistake in her life, trying to make up for the second biggest. Because now she had killed the only man she had ever loved, by being a moment too soon. If only she had waited . . . But she hadn’t. And so Buffy cried, because Angel was gone now. He had been gone before too, but at least then she’d never had any hope of getting him back. But now she had the hope . . . more than that. A moment more and it would have been reality. Too late. Too early. Angel was gone. And Buffy cried.

********************

Epilouge

Angel had the strangest feeling. For one thing, he couldn’t remember where he was or how he had gotten there. The last thing he remembered was Buffy . . . sleeping in his arms afterward. But what then? A dark alley, and despair and . . .

And Angel remembered the past four months. He remembered what he had done. And he remembered Buffy killing him.

But he was alive.

And then he realized what the strange feeling was. Angel opened his eyes and for the first time in over two hundred years he felt the sun on his skin.

The End

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