Part 6

Willow flipped aimlessly through the channels, only to find that, on Sunday night, there was nothing on. Finally, she rested on Cartoon Network, surprised to find the same Daffy Duck cartoon that she'd been watching two nights previous when Angel had brought Buffy in.

A sudden knock on the door called her attention away. She looked to find Angel standing outside her door. As she got up, she thought, Hmm…Daffy Duck cartoon…Angel…coincidence? I think not.

Even though, she knew that it was.

She unlocked the door to let him in, but he stayed outside and gestured for him to join him there. She walked out and, shutting the door behind her, asked, "What's up?"

"Did you see Buffy tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"How did she seem to you?"

"She was…well, she was Buffy. Why? Angel, what's wrong?"

"She's not pregnant, anymore."

"Yeah, you knew that, right? You didn't know that?! She said that she told you."

"What happened? Did she abort?" he asked, a little uneasily.

"No! No, it was nothing like that. She miscarried. It happened on Friday, just a little while after you left. We took her to a hospital and they said she'd be okay, but- I can't believe she didn't tell you."

"Do me a favor, Will."

"What?"

"Don't tell her you talked to me."


On Monday morning, Buffy got up early. Not willingly, of course, in fact, she preferred to be asleep as opposed to anything else. Sleep seemed to be her only means of escaping the thoughts and memories that plagued her mind.

She wandered around her room, trying things like reading, or cleaning, anything to keep herself
occupied. When nothing worked, she got dressed and left her house an hour early, her hair pulled tightly back, with the poster, which she'd meant to give Angel days before, in hand.

She went to his old apartment, half hoping to find him there, but at the same time, very much relieved that he was not. She took a few minutes to look the rooms over, allowing memories of the recent past to return to her mind. On her way out, she left the poster on the workbench, then returned to the streets to find that the sun was up and it was another beautiful morning.

Her watch read 6:52. School would start in about a half hour, so she headed for Sunnydale high, looking around at all the students who were the usual early birds to school. When she entered the library, she found Giles talking to a couple of freshmen, who seemed to be helping him sort books.

"Buffy," he said, surprised to find her there.

"Giles, can I talk to you?" she asked, gesturing towards his office.

"Of course," he said to her, then turning to his helpers, "Take the stack by the door over to Miss
Jacobs and leave the others alone, I'll take care of them later."

He opened the door to his office and stepped inside with Buffy right behind him. She sat down in the chair across from him. He sat down at his desk and said, "Before you say anything, I need to apologize for…blowing up at you on Friday. Although I had good reason, I should have been more compassionate."

"Giles-"

"As hard as this is on me, it's much harder on you."

"Giles-"

"And I'll support whatever decision you make. I know that the council won't like it, but-"

"Giles!" Buffy yelled, standing up.

"Yes?"

She sat back down, and after becoming calm, said, "I'm not pregnant."

"What?"

Buffy gave Giles a brief, but tearful overview of the events of Friday. By the end of her story, she had become restless and was up walking around. When she finished, she found that Giles looked near tears, himself. He stood from his desk, walked around his desk and put his arms comfortingly around her, allowing her to cry on his shoulder. When she had calmed down, he released her and asked, "Why didn't I hear about this days ago?"

"You're the first person that I've told," she answered, "I know that Angel told Willow and she told
Xander and everyone else."

It was then that Willow walked into the room, saying, "Hi."

"Hey," said Buffy, wiping her eyes.

Seeing Buffy's tears, Willow, said, "I take it we're talking about Friday."

Giles nodded and asked, Buffy, "How's Angel talking all of this?"

Buffy looked down for a second and said, "Angel and I aren't exactly getting along, right now. He wanted me to have the baby, so he didn't take this too well."

As if you'd know, thought Willow, bitterly.

Suddenly, the bell rang, giving the usual seven-minute notice of the beginning of class. Buffy picked up her bag and said, "Don't worry, Giles. What I'm gonna do, tonight is gonna make you and your council very happy."

With that, she left the room with Willow on her heels. When they got to the main entrance of the library, Willow asked, "What are you gonna do?"

"I'll talk to you later, Will," Buffy answered, going out the right door, just as Xander was coming in the left. Xander's door hit Willow in the face, knocking her to the ground, Buffy seized this opportunity and ran to her classroom.


Class was nearly over and for everyone, the teacher included, that was a relief. History had been its
regular snooze-filled hour and as usual, had left the students yawning.

Buffy, her chin now digging into her hand, had not taken her eyes from the clock in ten minutes. Her vigil of the spinning second hand was interrupted when something landed on her desk. She looked down and found a folded piece of paper, resting near her elbow. She sighed when she opened it and read what was written; Willow was being persistent.

Buffy gave in and answered the question that was burning in Willow's mind, then tossed the paper back. Willow looked at the paper and gasped so loud at what she read that the teacher felt compelled to ask if she was okay.

When the bell rang, Buffy tried to make a run for it, again, but this time was caught.

"Are you sure about this?" Willow asked.

"Yeah," said Buffy, "I gotta do this."

"Buffy- just…don't hurt him," Willow said, almost demandingly.

"Will-"

"Don't, I'm serious, Buffy. Don't think that you're the only one who's been through something, here. He doesn't need this right now."

"Trust me, Will, I know what I'm doing. Believe me, this is best for both of us."

She walked away from her friend, just as Xander was exiting the classroom. He stayed behind with Willow as Buffy walked to the library.


Buffy lay in bed that night, hoping against hope that she would get to sleep before 2 am, something she hadn't done since Thursday. Along with her usual insomnia, she was filled with the unsettlement of her present conflict with Angel. She hadn't resolved it, as she'd said she would and now it continued to fester in her mind along with all of her other problems.

"Do you know what you're doing?" asked an accented voice in the dark.

Buffy turned on her light and found Kayla standing in her room.

"What?" she asked.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Kayla repeated.

"Yeah, I WAS trying to get to sleep. What does it look like?"

"Why are you avoiding him, Buffy?" Kayla asked sternly.

Buffy sighed and sat up, "I'm not trying to avoid him."

"Then why aren't you talking to him?"

"Look, Kayla, why is it your business, anyway?"

"Because, you're all he talks about, and I think you should know, he's not talking kindly, right now."

Buffy sighed again and folded her arms as Kayla sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I'll give you a warning: don't push him away. You do, and you may lose him completely. Talk to him, tell him you still hurt inside. I saw the way you treated him the other night, when he carried you home. Instead of being glad that you weren't there alone, you scorned him, didn't even look at him."

"I WAS alone."

"No, you weren't. If you'd been alone, you'd feel even worse than you do."

"What do you know about this, Kayla?"

"Plenty."

"Tell me."

Kayla sighed and took a moment, then asked, "Did Angel ever tell you about the annual fair that used to come to our town?"

"He mentioned it, last week."

"What did he tell you?"

"Just that something bad happened and now he avoids anything even resembling a fair."

"I'll tell you the thing that happened. You see, this carnival was up mostly for the children of our town. There were rides, primitive ones, by today's standards. They had games and magic shows during the day, then at night…well, night was the adults' time for fun. A band would play and we would dance all night long, it was about the most fun, I've ever had. This fair was especially good for Angel, because every year, it landed on his birthday. His father used to say that when his mother went into labor, she insisted on getting in another dance before she'd let him be born."

Buffy gave a stifled laugh and smiled.

"Well, it was his 18th birthday and the last day of the carnival," Kayla continued, "I'd been up late,
dancing, for the past three nights and I was exhausted, so I asked him to walk me home. He told
me, I was a big girl and could walk myself home, of course, he didn't put it so nicely.

"But, I decided to listen to him and walk the mile and a half all by myself." Kayla stopped, and seemed to stare off into space for a second. She said, slowly, "I got about halfway there…and someone put an arm around me and a hand over my mouth. I was thrown into some bushes at the side of the road…" Kayla stopped again and shut her eyes.

"You don't have to finish," said Buffy, "I get it."

"Angel found me out there," Kayla continued, with a sniff, "he carried me home and stayed with me until my parents got there. And my father…he was-…he told me that it was my own fault for going out alone. He called me a stupid little girl, who'd brought it upon herself. On the advice of my mother, I said, 'You're right, I'm sorry, Da, it won't happen again', just to avoid being slapped. After that, I did just what you're doing now. I stayed away from the only people who could help me."

"Your own father blamed you?"

"Him, along with everyone else."

"Even Angel?"

Kayla laughed slightly and shook her head saying, "He was the worst of them all. I was always trying to be alone and I once yelled at him to 'get the hell out of my sight!' He…was furious. He said that everything my father had said was true, it was all my fault and that I shouldn't be taking my anger out on everyone around me."

"He said that?"

"I know, it doesn't sound like him, huh? I could hardly believe it, myself. "

"How old were you?"

"Fifteen, just think of what would have happened if I'd had my powers. I probably would have killed him right then."

"It wouldn't have happened if you'd had your powers," said Buffy, "that guy wouldn't have been able to go near you. You would have vanished or something before he could touch you."

"You're right, I probably would have."

"Do you know who he was?"

Kayla shook her head, "Not a clue. Whoever he was, he ran off. I just remember that he smelled terrible, like the most sour mead ever made."

"Called you Moira?"

Kayla nodded, "You remember that, huh?"

"I remember a lot about that game. I'm constantly reminded, because Xander won't let that mausoleum thing, go."

Kayla laughed, "That was funny."

Buffy smiled, but her good humor didn't last long. A memory of that night in the mausoleum came back to her, as the result of that night set in.

"That was when it happened," she told Kayla.

"What?"

"That night, in the mausoleum; that's the night I got pregnant. We try something crazy one time and look what happens."

"You weren't prepared for that night," Kayla observed.

"Nope, didn't see it coming, didn't avoid it, when it came."

After a long pause, Buffy, asked, "Did you and Angel ever resolve it? I mean, did he ever stop blaming you?"

"Eventually, yes. When he asked me to marry him, I said, 'Before I do, I need to hear something from you, something you should have said to me three years ago.' He knew what I was talking about and he said, 'It wasn't your fault. You never should have been blamed for it.' I kept waiting and hoping for an 'I'm sorry' to follow that. He never did apologize."

"Why did he blame you in the first place? How did he find any justification in it?"

Kayla hesitated for a moment, then said, "He loved me. I don't know if you can understand this, but he's the type of person who, when something bad happens, has to have an enemy, something to put the blame on, or there's no closure in the situation for him. When this happened, it was like nothing he'd ever been through. This sort of thing just didn't happen in my town and when it did, he didn't know how to handle it. He loved me so much that he had to blame something, to direct his anger toward something, even if it was me. Like I said, I don't know if you'd understand it, but-"

"No," said Buffy, "I'm the same way. Was that the same reason that your father…"

"My father was a pompous, old fool. He was just being himself."

Buffy turned away, looking, slightly dejected.

"What's wrong?" asked Kayla.

"Why is he treating me differently?"

"He's learned a lot since then, Buffy. After we finally made peace, there was still a lot of
discomfort between us and he doesn't want to risk that with you. Whatever he felt for me, he feels for you a thousand times. Please, take my advice and don't push him away. If you have to get away from him, tell him you need space, tell him what you're going through and make sure he understands, or he'll take it personally and you may lose him forever."


Buffy took all of this to heart and within an hour of Kayla's departure, had dressed and was on her way to the mansion. She hesitated for a second outside the door, then mustered up her guts and went in. She found Angel sitting next to his fireplace reading a small, hardbound book.

"Hello," he said, keeping his eyes on his book.

"Hi," she answered quietly.

He marked his page, then shut the book and looked up at her, as she stood in the doorway. She stepped into the room, walking with a slow stride, noting that hanging on the wall, over the fireplace was the poster. Seeing where her eyes had moved to, Angel said, "Thanks."

"It was Willow's idea. She has a real knack for photography."

"It's really good."

"I'm glad you like it."

A sudden air of discomfort settled between them and Buffy realized that she'd better get to the point.

"Look, I know that lately, I've been acting like I belong in a Midol commercial and I think I should
explain why. I went to a doctor the other day."

"And?"

Buffy hesitated, then looked up at him and said, "I'm not pregnant…and I never was."

Angel just stared at her; he couldn't believe that she was trying to lie about this.

"You seemed pretty sure on Friday," he said.

"Doctors don't lie," she insisted.

"What did they say about all the signs you got?"

"A stomach flu and an irregular period. She said that the test was probably set off by human error, it
happens all the time."

"Oh," he said, "so, I guess we all got worked up for nothing, huh?"

"I guess so," she replied, looking down.

He got up from his place by the fireplace and asked, sounding almost irritated, "Why did you come here, Buffy? You could have waited until tomorrow. You look like you got out of bed just to come here. You haven't done that in ages and when you did it was never just to talk."

"Tonight, it's to talk," she said, "and I have to say this tonight, or I won't get any sleep. I don't know if I'll sleep when I do tell you, I just have to let it out."

"Tell me what?"

Buffy took a deep breath and said, "I think we should stop seeing each other."

Angel retained his irritated expression, only his eyes showing the least bit of letting up, and said, "You wanna break up?"

"Not completely, I just…I need space. You're so much to me, Angel, I don't want to lose you, but right now, I need to get through this. I need to deal with what happened this weekend. Can we do that…please?"

"I guess, I don't have a choice, do I?" he said.

"Please, Angel, I need this," she pleaded.

In that moment, Angel realized that what she wanted would be best for them both. He looked back on the past week and because of all the lies and deceitfulness that had passed between them, said, "I
think you're right," he looked back at her, "We should take a break."

"For how long?"

"I don't know. We'll give it a month, see what happens."

She nodded and wiped her eyes, then turned to leave.

"Buffy," he called her back, before she'd left his sight. She turned back to him.

"So, what are we?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I'll be honest with you, I don't need a lover, right now, but if you could stand to be my friend for awhile, I think I'd like that."

"It's a start," he said, as she turned to leave again, he called her back again, "Buffy."

She turned again and after taking a second, he said, "Happy birthday."

She looked down at her watch, saying, "Actually, it's not for another- five minutes ago," she smiled and looked up at him, "thanks."

"You having a party?"

"I don't know, I think the guys are gonna take me out."

"Oh...well, have fun."

"Thanks," she said again, then walked from the room before he could call her back again.

Angel hung his head for a second, then returned to his spot by the fireplace, picked his book back up and began to read again.

The End