I’ll Remember You
By Becca
Author's Note: This is a fanfic that i wrote after seeing the two parter (innocence
and surprise). It’s dedicated to Rebecca (Lady RHood) for giving me the idea of something
that was written from Angel’s soul’s POV, and to all of my other Buffy friends for
(somehow) making me believe that I CAN write a fanfic, and that it doesn’t have to
win a B-Beta to be good. THANK YOU! Everything in Italics are the lyrics to the song
“I’ll Remember You” by Sophie
Zelmani. It’s on her self-titled album (that i strongly reccomend you buy) it’s playing
during the scene at the bronze in the episode Angel (it’s where they say good bye,
and buffy scars him). There’s no real action here...just
mush. The goal of this was to make you cry, so......get the tissues. everything that
I put in CAPITAL LETTERS is meant for emphasise...so be warned.
Normal disclaimers : nothing belongs to me, except the actual fanfic. I don’t own
any BTVS characters, or even keep anything of theirs. They all belong to the almighty
Joss Whedon, who will soon lose my respect if he makes me wait until the season finale
for angel to get his soul back (which already happened, in hindsight) and if they
get together again!
*****
It's daybreak
And you are asleep
I can hear you breathe now
Your breath is deep
I sort of floated into her room...it was where I spent most of my time now. It was
near daybreak, and she was sleeping. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep, even the most oblivious
person could tell that. I stood by her bed for some time,
just watching over her. Wishing I could hold her and tell her it would all be ok.
I drifted near her dresser. A funny thing, this drifting. I don’t remember how I
learned it, or how I broke away from the clouds. I just did. My need to see her was
so great, I guess nothing could keep me up there in ‘heaven’. Of course, it wasn’t
really much of a heaven without her.
I looked at all the jewelry on her dresser. The cross I gave her, the rings she wore
the first time we kissed. The rings she wore every other time we kissed...the ring
that I gave her wasn’t there. I looked back over the bed, and saw it on her finger.
Even in my ethereal state, I was confused. I was so happy that she still cared about
me, but I wished that she wouldn’t. I wished that she would be angry at me, and that
she would kill me. That way, I couldn’t cause her any more pain.
The sun was rising. Instinctively, I flinched. Then I remembered. It seemed that
the only good thing that came of this state of mind was the sun. The fact that I
could see it crown Buffy in all her glory. Feel the warmth, although it
actually did me no good.
Buffy started tossing and turning, moaning. She reached out, and called my name.
I was there in a flash. I gathered her in my arms...or tried to. I rocked her gently
from side to side...or tried to. I caressed the side of her face, and told her everything
would be alright...or tried to. I told her that I loved her, and that I would never
let go of that love...but it was to no avail. She didn’t hear me. I tried to project
my thoughts...I hoped that maybe her psyche could hear mine. I hoped that maybe in
her nightmare I would come save her, that we could share one final kiss. Such was
the link we had. I think it might have worked...I like to believe so.
But before I go
I look at you one last time
I can hear a heartbeat
Is it yours or is it mine?
She was waking up. That sleep she was in was drawing to a close, as her alarm clock
made me watch the minutes tick by. I knew then it was time to leave. Time to go watch
Spike and Drusilla...time to once again try to gain access to my body. Time to once
again try to make Angelus care. I didn’t need to watch her during the day...Giles,
Willow, and Xander would do that. I couldn’t bear to watch her during the evening,
when the demon in my body caused her more pain than she could endure. This was my
time...in the dead of the night when she slept. It was our time together.
As I drifted near the window, near the horizon, I turned around. She was stirring.
I paused once again, for one more moment. I remembered our night together. I saw
her body move, and recognized each move with familiarity. Each heartbeat was precious,
and familiar. That heartbeat, that lust, that remembrance of passion, I knew not
whose it was. I longed to hold her, to lay with her, to kiss her, to just touch her.
To listen to her day as she related to it, to watch her care about me. I needed that.
I needed her care, I needed her to tell me I was human enough to love.
I look at your lips
I know how soft they can be
Did they know what they wanted
The times they kissed me?
And your hands
That I held in mine
Now they're reposing on the pillow
Will they ever miss me sometime?
I reminisced. I looked at her face, it was so much farther away than I was used to
seeing it. Her eyes were so much older, so much more worn. And her lips, that more
times than I remember were on mine. Those lips, that I warmed
with my own, and used to warm mine. Those lips that gave me so many dreams. Now they
lay cold on an empty face. Lonely, they seemed to cry out to me. But I could not
kiss the loneliness away...much as I wanted to; I couldn’t.
Do not believe that as a spirit I can not dream, for I do. I dream of the first time
we met, the tension. The first true humanity I’d felt for a while. I dream of the
first time we kissed. I dream of the first time we kissed, with her knowing what
I was. I dream of the safety she felt as she fled to my apartment. I dream of the
worry that she felt after her dream. I dream of the passion, the longing. I dream
of our time together.
She raises her hand, the one with the ring on it; and looks at it. As I see a tear
slide down her eye, I rush over to try and wipe it away. Those hands, that had helped
me through so much. Those hands, that had often accompanied my
own. Those hands, that saved my life. Those hands, that belonged to my love. Now
they moved to remove the ring, that I had given her. The ring that symbolized our
love. But they could not. They carressed the pillow, seeming to
replace the carressing of my back. She smoothed the comforter, and looked at her
hands. I knew what she was thinking. That those lonely hands belonged in mine.
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that is all that I can do
But I'll remember
I will remember you, Buffy. I always will. When the time comes that you harden your
heart, when the time comes that you end my ‘life’ I’ll remember you. Through death,
through pain, through passion, through love. I’ll do all
that I can do. I’ll remember. And should we both meet again, always know that I’m
saving your seat. But right now, I do what I can. For all eternity, that one night,
freeze frame...I’ll remember.
Your eyes
That always make me shiver
Now they are closed
They just sometimes twitch a little
Oh Angel. G-d, do you have any idea how much I miss you? No, you probably don’t.
It’s the worst feeling in the world. When you were here, when you were alive. No,
not when I saw you, when you were HERE, with me, always; the waiting wasn’t so bad.
It just made the next time I saw you even more precious. But now....it’s hard to
re-learn all that you know. It’s hard to try and re-teach my body, and my mind. Re-learn
how to react when you’re around. It’s hard, learning that that jump, that excitement,
that passion, that...that LOVE doesn’t belong to you.
I remember our night together....not a night goes by it doesn’t haunt my dreams.
I remember the end....when you said you loved me. How sad, how terrible that I’ve
only heard it come from your lips twice. I remember holding
you, and being held by you. I remember watching you sleep, watching you rest. Our
passion not exhausted, no, never that...just pushed to all our bodies could take.
All our MORTAL bodies could take...for just when you woke up did you truly become
a vampire.
But I remember your eyes most of all. I remember gazing into them....wishing to just
drown in them, for all eternity. The last glimpse I had of YOUR eyes, were closed.
The last time I saw the love there, the love that was mirrored in my own, was when
they were closed. When I was just lying in your arms, feeling the safety that nothing
could ever take away...or so I thought.
And your body
I could hold for an hour
It sent me to Heaven
With its heat and power
My sweet...I could have spent all eternity in your arms...and in some ways, I will.
For that night....those moments, they’ll live forever in my heart. Which is part
of the problem. How can you teach your body, to go against love?
I remember lying there, just running my hands over your chest....over your body...holding
your hand. I looked at your ring, the one that mirrored my own. I can hear your voice
haunt my dreams...
“The hands symbolize friendship, the crown represents devotion, and the heart...well,
you know. Wear the ring with the heart facing towards you...like this...it means
that you belong to somebody”
I still do, Angel. I belong to you. I will for the end of time. Maybe one day, I
will go on...maybe one day, I’ll stop shedding tears. But I’ll never stop crying,
Angel...and most importantly, I’ll never stop loving you.
But your body......it did to mine what I never thought could be possible....it made
me feel safe. It made me feel loved, and protected. It’s been a long time since I
trusted anyone that much...since I made myself so vulnerable, so dependent. It was
nice, while it lasted. It was the first time I’d ever been so vulnerable....which
is why it hurt so much being betrayed.
Yet that night...freeze-frame. Your body did to me what will last for all eternity.
Kind of fitting, for an Angel to send me on my first trip to heaven. Who would have
thought it would be the last?
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that is all that I can do
But I'll remember
For all eternity, never to forget. I don’t think I’m capable of forgetting, and I
wouldn’t even if I could. All the pain that’s following, all the hurt, all the tears...it
really was worth it for a night spent in your arms.
I still want you back, and I never will stop wanting, but I’m glad that for one moment
in time, I made you happy. I’m glad that you loved me so much, that you let yourself
forget guilt in my arms. I’m glad that our love was, no IS,
so strong it will be talked about through the ages.
All I have left now are memories. The ring, the necklace...they would mean nothing
without the memories. Remembering is all that I can do, and I will. I’ll be waiting,
Angel. I’ll be waiting for YOU to come in thru my window, and awake me with a kiss
like you do every night in my dreams. I just pray that wherever YOU are, you don’t
forget me.
*****
as what i guess is normal......FEEDBACK! My e-mail address is GBecca13@aol.com......e-mail
me!