Separate Lives

By Deanie

SPOILER WARNING: Nothing specific, but anything to do with Buffy and Angel’s relationship, up to Graduation Day 2. And very minor spoilers for the Angel series.
RATING: PG
CONTENT: Buffy and Angel breakup Angst
SUMMARY: After he leaves, Angel calls Buffy to see how she’s doing
FEEDBACK: Pretty please? To DeanieBTVS@aol.com

Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don’t belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I’m just borrowing them for a while…and they’ll be returned when I’m done putting them through the emotional wringer. I’m not making any money off of this, so don’t sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Separate Lives" doesn’t belong to me, either. It’s an old Phil Collins song and can be found on his CD "Hits."

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is part four in my "Bad Goodbye" series dealing with the Buffy and Angel breakup. It breaks from Buffy canon after the first scene in The Prom. Buffy and Angel didn’t break up in Prom, they broke up in my first story, "Still Holding On." Got it? This story takes place a month or two after their breakup. Angel has moved to L.A., while Buffy tries to get on with her life in Sunnydale.


You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you’ve met
And telling me how sorry you were leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes
When you’re alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

I was sitting in my room, just thinking. It had been almost a month since Angel left, but it seemed so much longer. Every moment was an eternity. I’d heard people say that before, but now I truly appreciated what it meant. Without him, time moved so slowly. No more looking forward to midnight visits or moonlit patrols. No more thrill of anticipation, waiting for the sun to set so I could see him. Nothing left to hope for since he was gone. And I missed him – every moment of every day.

The phone rang. Probably Willow, wanting me to go to the Bronze to see the Dingoes play again. I really didn’t feel like going out and having fun, didn’t even want to answer the phone and but Willow had been so supportive through all of this I couldn’t not take her call…

I picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi," came the whispered voice.

The room closed in on me, as if all the air were being sucked out of my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. It had been so hard for me to stop thinking about him. I saw his face on every stranger I met. I heard his voice everywhere. But here, on the phone, could it really be him? Was it a hallucination? If not, why was he calling?

"Buffy?" Angel asked. "Are you there?"

"Yeah. I’m here." It was so good to hear his voice. I’d worried about him, how he was doing, where he was…if he were alive. I was scared that one day he’d be killed by a demon and I’d never know he was dead. But this, why was he calling? As much as I loved hearing his voice, it hurt so much. "Why are you calling?"

"I wanted to know if you were okay."

"After you left me alone, without a word about where you were going? After you broke my heart into a million pieces and left my life shattered?" Okay, self, bitter much?

"Buffy…" I could hear the pain in his voice. And I didn’t want to hurt him, because I know he never wanted to hurt me. Angel honestly believed he was doing the right thing by leaving. He was trying to do what he thought was best for me. I just wished he could see that leaving was exactly the wrong thing to do. "Sorry. I guess I’m feeling a little bitter about the breakup. But don’t worry, I’ll get over it."

"I’m sorry…for everything. I’m sorry I hurt you so much."

"Please, Angel, don’t go there. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even want to think about it. I’m fine. I’m getting along okay without you. Is that what you wanted to know?"

"I…yes."

"How about you? Are you getting on with your life? Meeting new people?" My voice quieted. Could I ask the one question I didn’t want answered? "Are you seeing anyone? Had any dates?"

"Whistler tried to introduce me to someone," he admitted. "But it didn’t matter. She wasn’t you."

It hurt. I had no idea how much it would hurt to think of Angel with someone else. My heart was crushed in a vise, inch by inch, moment by moment, a slow torture I could barely stand.

"Buffy?"

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
I can’t go on just holding onto ties
Now that we’re living separate lives

I thought I’d been doing a good job of trying not to think about him, of forgetting about him. I’d been doing my best to put him behind me and move on… Even though it was next to impossible, I was trying. But this…this conversation…I couldn’t do it.

Who was he to call me and ask me how I was doing? How did he *think* I was doing? I’d just lost the love of my life... the only man I’d ever loved. He’d left me, all alone, for reasons I vehemently disagreed with. I didn’t want to be with anyone else, had never wanted to be with anyone else, and he was a fool to think I could forget him and make a new life with anyone else.

How dare he call me and bring up all these old memories? All it took was the sound of his voice saying my name... All the times we patrolled, side by side. All the conversations we had about why our relationship could never work. All the kisses we shared despite our conversations about why our relationship could never work. And now the pain was so fresh again -- I was dying all over again. I couldn’t think…and I had to remind myself to breathe…

What if he called again? It had been so hard for me to make even the smallest attempt to get on with my life. I just couldn’t do it if he called, reminding me of how much I missed him, how much I wanted him, needed him…loved him. Every time I’d hear his voice I would be reminded of how happy we once were, and how we would never be together again. I would constantly be reminded of the agony of our love, keeping my wounds fresh so they would never heal.


Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me
Well you never let it show
There is no way to compromise
So now we’re living
Separate lives

"Angel, please…" That wasn’t supposed to have been a plea, but I couldn’t handle any more of this…

"I’m sorry, Buffy, I’m so sorry for how I hurt you. But I couldn’t see any alternative. I had to leave. There was nothing in-between, no compromise –"

"Angel." This time my voice had a little more force. Could I do this? If I didn’t say anything, maybe he would call again. Then I could hear his voice and make sure he was still alive. But if every phone call hurt this badly it would kill me. I’d slowly die inside as the grief ate away at my heart and soul. And I couldn’t do that. So I had to tell him…tell him to stop calling. If he wasn’t going to come back to me, he had to leave me alone. That was the only way I could survive. I could never go on if I was still holding on to him.

I had to build a wall of emotional armor around me, to not let any more hurt in. There wasn’t any room in my heart for any more sorrow. I couldn’t take anymore…it just hurt too much. I had to keep him out or I’d die.

Ooh, it’s so typical
Love leads to isolation
So you build that wall, build that wall
Yes you build that wall, build that wall
And you make it stronger

"Angel?"

"Yes?"

"Who do you think you are calling me like this? You left me. You don’t want to be a part of my life anymore. How do you think I feel? The man I love more than life itself left me…I need you more than I’ve ever needed anything and you’re not here. It hurts like hell and I can’t imagine anything more painful. But I was doing okay, trying to put it behind me, until you called. And now all the pain is fresh again, my wounds are raw. And it’s killing me."

"Buffy –"

"No, I’m not letting you interrupt me this time. You left me. You have no right to call me up and ask me how I’m doing. You have no right to ask me what I’m feeling. It should be obvious. You should know, and even if you don’t, it’s none of your business anymore. Hearing your voice brings back all the memories and they hurt me so much, because I struggle every day not to think about you. I can’t do this, Angel. I can’t hold on to you when you’re not here because it just hurts too much."

I sobbed out the last word, and took a breath before continuing. I had to do this, no matter how much it hurt. "Don’t call me again. If you can’t see that we belong together, if you can’t believe in our love enough to stay then I don’t want to hear from you. I don’t want to know how you’re doing. I don’t want to tell you how I’m getting on with my life. You’re a fool to think I can ever love anyone else but I don’t even want to tell you that now. I…I don’t want to hear your voice anymore."

I was in tears, but this had to be done. I couldn’t let him wound me anymore.

"I’m sorry. I won’t call you again." I could hear tears in his voice, too. It was hard for him, but it was his choice. Leaving had been his decision and he would have to deal with the consequences.

Well, you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now we’ll go on living separate lives

"Goodbye," he said and hung up the phone.

"Goodbye," I whispered, sinking down onto the bed. I cried, letting the pain course over me in waves. I would have to start living and letting go all over again.

Yes for now we’ll go on living separate lives
Separate lives