Starting Again
By Joanne Robitaille

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy characters. Wish that I did, but I don't. Lexie is mine, though.

Author's Note: I started this story during the week between Graduation One and Two (I'm Canadian so I got to see part two when it was supposed to air). Unfortunately, writers block struck and I didn't finish this story until last week. Most of this story was written when I had a bit too much caffine and at times I think that it shows.

Prologue:

I don’t think that anyone ever expected me to what I did the night before their graduation. I hadn’t meant for it to happen. I really hadn’t. In fact, I hadn’t even been aware of what was going on until it was too late. By then she was already draining blood from my veins just as I had from her only moments ago. As soon as I realized what was going on, I pulled back, hiding in the shadows like I did so often. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. All that I could do was sit there and watch as she slipped quietly from this life into the next. When I was sure that she was gone, I made a quick call then I left. I couldn’t bare to face what I had done. In my entire existance this was the worst thing that I had ever done. And I hated myself for it more than anything else that I had ever done. I had turned the one ray of sunshine in my life into a monster like me. It doesn’t matter if she oneday manages to forgive me because I will never be able to forgive myself.

Part One:

For the next five years I became again what I was after receiving my curse for the first time. I’d have walked into the sun, but that would have been too easy. If I had done that I wouldn’t suffer enough to make up what I did to her. I took everything from her. Any chance that she had at a normal life is gone now because of me. That will haunt me for the rest of my existance. It will hurt more than any physical pain that I could ever experience. She offered her life to save mine and I took it. I hadn’t wanted to, but that didn’t stop it from happening. As soon as I tasted the sweetness that poured so readily from her veins into my waiting mouth, it was my undoing. I can see now why vampires crave the blood of a slayer. Before that night, I had never drank the blood of a slayer. Sure I had killed them, but I had never drank their blood. I had more interesting games in mind.

Thinking about all that I did in that life sends a shudder down my spine. I slump to the ground in the alley that I somehow found my way to. It is with a shock that I realize that this is the very alley in which I became the monster that I am now. I begin to shake all over as the memories overtake me. What a stupid fool I had been. A fool with too much whiskey in him. Why, in the name of all that is sacred, did I close my eyes when she asked me to? If I had just kept them open I would have seen her true face before it was too late. Not that it would have changed anything. Darla had once told me that she had been waiting months for the perfect oportunity to make me into a vampire. So even if it hadn’t been that night, there would have been another night that I would have become what I am now.

Actually, I don’t really think that this was what Darla had in mind for me. Wandering the streets, searching for rats and living in the sewers. I was a pathetic excuse for a vampire without the courage to step out into the sun or find and face the slayer that had replaced the love of my unlife. Considering how weak I am now, it wouldn’t even be a challenge for her.

Pushing these suicidal thoughts out of my head, I get slowly to my feet and venture back out into the streets of what was once my home. I don’t even remember how I ended up back here.

These people walking the streets at night don’t know how lucky they truly are. When the dawn comes, they aren’t forced to hide from the sun’s warm rays. They can venture out into it. But not me. Never again. I bump into them now and again and most of them regard me with something akin to disgust. Other look somewhat sympathetic. If they only knew. They’d probably all run screaming if they saw my real face.

I suddenly stop dead in my tracks. Someone is watching me. Moving almost too quickly for mortal eyes to see, I disappear into a nearby alley. Unfortunately it wasn’t quick enough. I watch in horror as she strides into the alley without a tiny speck of fear. She knows that I won’t hurt her. I could never hurt her.

“Angel, get out here now,” her stern voice says. “You’ve been hiding long enough.”

I shake my head even though she can’t see me. I’m hidden too well in the shadows. “I can’t,” I say, ashamed at how weak my voice sounds. I was the bloody Scourge of Europe. I wasn’t supposed to be weak.

“Yes you can, Angel. You can and you will even if it means that I have to use one of my little mind controling spells on you.” She probably heard the little whine that escaped from my lips because her whole demeanor softened. “Please come out, Angel. None of us are angry at you for what happened. Not even Xander. We all understand.”

“Willow... Please...” I say quietly, wishing that I really could disappear into the shadows.

Willow sighed and slowly shook her head. That’s when everything went dark.

Part Two:

When I became aware of myself again later, I could feel hands smoothing my hair away from my face. Her hands. Not wanting to wake up from what was mostly likely only a dream, I kept my eyes closed and let myself enjoy the sesation of her hands touching me. Her touch is what I missed the most after fleeing Sunnydale all those years ago.

“I know that you’re awake, Angel, so you might as well open your eyes,” her voices said softly in my ear. Her voice has always been as gentle as any caress that I have ever known. Combined with the feel of her hands on me, I felt more at peace than I ever had in the past five years.

Ever so slowly, I opened my eyes, afraid at what I might see when I looked at her. The love that I saw so clearly etched on every line of her preternatural face was the last thing that I had expected. Unsettled by the sudden rush of emotions that were now surging through me, I rolled away from her and buried my face in the pillow that my head rested upon. I did not deserve forgiveness just as certainly as I didn’t deserve her love. But, as always, Buffy would have none of that.

I wanted to pull away when I felt her ease her body against mine, but I found myself unable to move. It took very little coaxing on her behalf to get me to remove my face from the pillow and look at her.

“Hey there,” Buffy said gently, obviously trying not to frighten me. “I really didn’t think that Xander’s vamp tranq would knock you out for that long. It only ever takes the other vampires down for a couple of hours. You, on the other hand, have been out for nearly two days.”

“Vamp tranq?” I echoed, hoping to distract her for a little while. I knew what was coming and hoped to avoid it for as long as possible.

Smiling softly, she combed her fingers through my hair and lightly cupped my cheek. “They do wonders when you need to interigate a few vamps. Or when you need to knock your lover out so he’ll stop with the self-flagellation. When he needs help, but is too scared to ask for it.”

“I don’t need help,” I said trying desperately to keep my voice from sounding as weak as I knew it did.

“Then why are you wearing the same pants that you were the last time that I saw you five years ago? Why are you hiding in the sewers like a rat? When was the last time that you even had anything to eat besides a rat? I can tell that you haven’t fed in a while, your colour’s off. Why are you doing this to yourself, Angel?” Buffy whispered, her beautiful eyes never leaving mine.

“To make up for what I did to you,” I admitted, unable to lie to her.

When I saw the tears form in Buffy’s eyes, I instantly turned my face away from her, hiding once more in the cotton pillow. I hadn’t even been in her presence for five minutes and already I was making her cry. Not wanting to cause her any more pain than I already had, I tried to get out of the bed, but Buffy easily held me in place. It had been a while since I had eaten anything and was weak because of it. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t get away from her.

“Angel, look at me,” Buffy said softly, but still with a great deal of force. When I complied, she placed her hand on my shoulder, smiling gently at me. “Nothing that happened that night is your fault. I’m the one who kept hitting you until you lost control and bit me. I’m also the one who bit your neck so that I could drink from you. I wanted to become a vampire so that I could be with you forever. If I had known that this would happen, I would have told you of my plans first. I never wanted you to do this to yourself. Even if it had been an accident, I wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, Angel.”

I was so shocked by that, for a few moments, I couldn’t speak. Buffy had intentionally done this to herself. She had willingly embraced the horrors that come with being a vampire. And she did it for me. No one had ever given up so much for me in my entire existance as both a human and a vampire. She had given up a life in the sun for me; a pathetic vampire with a soul.

“Why?” I managed to get out once th einital shock of it wore off. “Why would you do this to yourself?”

Buffy ran her fingers through my hair and along my cheek, smiling when I leaned into her touch. “Because I love you and I couldn’t bear to watch you die. I wanted you to live forever and I wanted to live forever with you.”

Part Three:

That was just wrong! I loved her more than anything, but she shouldn’t have done that. She should not have given her life for me. I had been leaving so that she could have a normal life, not the life of an unholy creature who lived in the shadows of the world. My anger seemed to give my limbs the necessary strength that I needed to get out of that cursed bed and away from Buffy. For the first time I noticed that I was now dressed in a pair of black running pants and a gray t-shirt. No shoes. But that really didn’t matter. Before Buffy could even get off of the bed, I charged towards the door and out into the adjoining room.

More faces from my past. They were all gathered there. Giles, Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Oz. Even Spike was there for some reason. Not able to bear their eyes on me- eyes which I knew had to hold such hatred towards me -I ran through that room as well towards another door. This one, thankfully, led me out of wherever we were and into the street. Not pausing to figure out where I was, I took off running down the street. Away from the house. I couldn’t stand to be there with them watching me.

I ran for what seemed like forever. Away from the city which I dimly recognized as being Galway; they hadn’t taken me out of the city. I was deep in the country before I finally stopped. Stopped dead if you will excuse the pun. Away from the harsh lights and the noise of the city, I was finally able to think clearly. Thankfully, Giles had believed me
when I called to tell him that he needed to perform the soul restoration spell on Buffy. I hadn’t waited long enough to get any response from him. Just said what I needed to then took off into the night. But now they were back. They had been looking for me and had eventually found me.

It hit me quite suddenly that for them to have been here, they must have been successful it beating the mayor. “Good for you,” I whispered quietly as I prepared to take off into the night once again.

“You forgot your shoes,” a clipped English accent said from behind me.

I whirled around to see Spike standing there, a pair of black Nike running shoes in his hand. “What are you doing here?” I asked warily, not too sure why Spike had been there to begin with.

“Well first of all, mate, I came to give you your shoes. Figured you might want them if you decided to disappear again,” Spike said throwing the shoes in my direction. He waited for me to put them on before he continued. “And secondly I’m gonna try and talk you out of disappearing again.”

“What does it matter to you? I figured that you’d be glad I was gone.”

Spike smiled ruefully at me then reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. Not taking his eyes from mine, he lit the cigarette and took a long puff, sighing as he blew it out. “Don’t you get thinking that I’m doing this for you. I don’t like you and you bloody well know it. I’m here for the Slayer. She needs you.”

I laughed bitterly at my childe then turned away and started walking off into the night. “I ruined her life, Spike. She doesn’t need someone who only brings her pain,” I shouted over my shoulder as I went.

“That’s not what she says,” Spike yelled back.

I will admit that this had me just slightly intrigued. “And just what does she say?” I asked, turning back around to face Spike.

“She hasn’t said nothing. But considering the fact that she’s spent five years looking for you aughta mean something. Then there’s also the fact that she willingly became one of us so that she could be with you for the rest of eternity. She must be nuttier than Dru to do something as stupid as that.”

At any other time I probably would have been insulted by that. This time I wasn’t. I just stared at Spike for several long minutes then slowly lowered my head in resignation. I would go back and talk to Buffy. But I was making no promises as to whether or not I would stay.

Part Four:

Spike and I were about halfway back to the city before either one of us spoke. Getting sick of listening to the voices that were chatting non-stop inside of my head, I decided to find a way to shut them for the time being. Talking with Spike seemed as good an escape as any.

“What are you doing here Spike? Why are you helping Buffy?” I asked rather bluntly, nothaving the energy to be delicate about it.

Spike snorted then sped up a bit trying to avoid my question. “None of your business, you bloody poof,” he called back over his shoulder.

It didn’t take me long to figure out why Spike was being so defensive. He had acted the same way nearly a hundred and fifty years ago when Drusilla had just been turned. Not that I thought he would go after my Buffy. WOW! Where did that come from? Buffy’s not mine, I told myself rationally, but my heart wasn’t letting me admit that, even to myself. While I was having my own little internal argument, I failed to notice that we had reached the city. I wasn’t even paying attention to where we were going, just walking on instinct. I had walked these streets day in and day out for twenty-four years before I met Darla. I didn’t need to look where I was going to find my way home. A part of me kept saying that that wasn’t my home anymore, but my feet kept heading in the direction of the centuries-old manor.

As soon as I realized where it was that I had ended up, I turned, ready to bolt into the night again. I couldn’t go back into that house. I killed my family in that house. Besides, the people who lived there now had no clue as to how I was. I didn’t think that they’d believe me if I told them that I had lived there two-hundred and fifty years ago. They’d probably just call the police.

“Don’t you even think about going anywhere, peaches. You’re facing the Slayer whether you want to or not,” Spike said as he finished off the rest of his latest cigarette.

“But I can’t go in there, Spike. That’s not my house anymore.”

That little smirk of his was really starting to annoy me. “Course not. Belongs to the Slayer now. She bought it with the money you left to her after you disappeared... Come to think of it, how come you didn’t leave anything to me? I’m your childe, too. Don’t I get a share of the inheritance, daddy dearest?”

Ignoring Spike as I had learned to do a long time ago, I squared my shoulders and started up the drive. I was going to face Buffy, I told myself. I got about halfway up the drive before I lost my nerve and started back again. Spike stood there, blocking my way and glaring at me so that I had no choice but to turn back around and head for the house.

Morbid to the end, I was humming the death march over in my head as I turned the knob on the front door and prepared to face my past.

Part Five:

Not pausing for an instant because if I did, I knew that I would loose my nerve, I headed straight for the parlor where I figured everyone would be waiting. Unfortunately, I was right. Sitting in the various seats in the room- some of them were actually ones that had been there when I had lived here as a human -were the people that I had last seen in Sunnydale five years ago. But I ignored all of them, my eyes focused solely on her.

On Buffy.

It was as though all of the air had been sucked out of the room. Not that I actually needed it to breathe. All of the others faded into the background as I stood there staring at her. She was my world and I was once again regretting having disappeared for five years. But at the time I hadn’t been able to do anything else. I couldn’t bear the fact that I had brought her across. Still couldn’t. It was that thought which snapped me out of my daze and back to the present.

“I did my job, Slayer. Now I’m off to find my dinner,” Spike announced. He gave Buffy a mocking salute then turned on his heel and left.

I suddenly felt like a prisoner at the chopping block. And Buffy was the one holding the axe above my head.

Having expected nothing but hatred, I was genuinely surprised to find a warm mug of blood placed in my hands by the red-haired hacker who had found me on the street. She smiled sympathetically at me then led me over to a chair. I was so shocked by this that I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. My mind seemed to have lost the ability to form rational thoughts. Not for the first time, I might add.

Once I was seated in one of the chairs, I quickly set the blood aside on a nearby table. Despite the fact that I was no longer the only soulful vampire in the group, I was still unnerved by the prospect of drinking blood in front of him. Buffy, though, would have none of that.

“Drink it, Angel,” she said sternly. “You’re pale and weak and need to feed.”

My feeble attempts at a refusal were met by an angry glare which I knew all too well. Not even bothering to change into game face, I downed the contents of the mug in one long gulp. That was one of the stupidest moves that I’d made all night. Since my system was no longer used to such large quantities of blood in a single serving, I instantly began to feel sick. Queasiness, for a vampire, is not a very enjoyable feeling. Come to think of it, I don’t think that human’s enjoy it much either.

After managing to quell the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach, I turned my attention back to Buffy. I promised myself that I would listen to her and hear her out, but chances were I would be gone before daybreak. I could not bear to spend a single day asleep in this house. This had been my home. This was where I had killed my family. Once again, Buffy wasn’t going to let me self-destruct.

“Just so you know, Angel, Willow did this neat little spell that will keep you in the house until we’ve got you healthy again,” Buffy informed me, a satisfied smile pasted firmly on her face.

“So I’m a prisoner here?” I demanded, my anger flaring once again. Vampires are very prone to claustrophobia and hate to be confined. Makes me wonder why that Anne Rice lady insists that her vampires spend all day in a coffin. A normal vampire wouldn’t last five minutes in a coffin. It’s just an unpleasant reminder of the fact that our bodies are dead.

Willow was quick to deny my accusations. “You’re not a prisoner, Angel. We just want to make sure that you’re all right.”

“I’m fine,” I said through clenched teeth.

“No you’re not,” Xander cut in. “My tranq’s are designed to take a healthy vamp out of commission for two hours tops. That gives us enough time to set them up in the cage. You were out for two days. That’s a little over the limit.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted once again. God how I hated being attacked from all sides. A simple confrontation with Buffy I could have handled. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this and it was making me extremely edgy.

As always, Buffy sensed this. Taking matters into her own hands, she made some excuses to the others and led me into the room that had once been my father’s study. Gulping in some unneeded air, I stood waiting for my execution.

Part Six:

Oddly enough, the first thing that I noticed about the room was that it looked exactly the same as it had the last time that I had been in there. Even down to the family portrait hanging above the vast fireplace. Ignoring Buffy completely, I walked over to the picture and stared at it for several long minutes. While the faces of my parents and sisters would
ever be etched firmly in my mind, this was the first time in over two centuries that I had seen my own face. This portrait had been painted the year before I met Darla in the alley. I remembered that my youngest sister Alexia had squirmed the whole time that it was being painted. Five year olds can rarely sit still for very long.

“I found it in the attic after we moved in here. The caretaker told me that it had once hung there so I decided to put it back,” Buffy said coming to stand beside me.

“It did,” I confirmed. “They had a hell of a time getting Lexie and I to sit still while it was being painted. Twenty-three year olds like to sit still as much as four year olds.”

“Two-hundred and forty-three year olds don’t like to sit still much either,” Buffy said, probably hoping to coax a smile out of me. It didn’t work. I was way to edgy to even think about smiling.

For a while neither of us said anything. We just stood there staring at the picture. When we did start to talk again, we both started at the same time.

“You shouldn’t have done it,” I said just as Buffy said: “I’m not sorry for what I did.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for this, Buffy. I’m sorry enough for the both of us. I never wanted you to have to live like this. Feeding off of other creatures so that you can live. It’s disgusting. If I didn’t know that suicide was a mortal sin, I would have done it a long time again. Long before I ever met you,” I said bitterly. What can I say, five years of solitude and brooding make a man bitter.

The hurt that I saw in Buffy’s eyes made me regret what I had said instantly. Why was it that everything that I did always ended up hurting her? I quickly glanced out a nearby window hoping that the sun would come up soon and reduce me to a pile of ashes. Anything was better than see that look on her face and know that I had caused it.

“Are you sorry that you met me?” Buffy asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

I shook my head furiously, wanting only to reassure her that nothing that happened was her fault. “Never. You are the only person who has ever made my whole sorry existence worthwhile. You’re the only one who’s ever loved all of me. Not just the man, but the demon as well.”

“Then why did you run away?”

For a few minutes I didn’t answer her. I wasn’t entirely too sure of the answer myself. As soon as I had registered the fact that blood was not only pouring out of my system, but flowing out as well, I had quite simply panicked. I had been terrified by what was happening and had run away. Just like always. I’m weak. Nothing will ever change that no matter how much either of us denies it.

“I ran away because I couldn’t bear to see you after I had taken your life,” I said at last. “I was convinced that you would hate me so I left... And for a while I even hated you.”

Buffy’s eyes went wide. “You hated me?”

“How could I not? You forced me to do something that I didn’t want to do and ended up destroying your life in the process. I was ready to die that night. I *wanted* to die. I had already lost everything in my life that was important to me so I wanted to end it all,” I hissed angrily. Five year of pent up emotions were all coming out at once. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch everything around you crumble and decay over time while you stay exactly the same? I have seen more than enough destruction in my life and I didn’t want to live through it any more. I loved you more than anything, but if I couldn’t be free to love you completely, I didn’t want that.”

“So you just dumped me!?!” Buffy cried, angry as well by this point.

“Why not? You did it to me several times that year. I was just finally starting to get my sanity back when you told me about Scott. I was thinking clearly for once and I was able to remember how much I loved you then you come and tell me that you’re going out with someone else. That hurt more than you can ever imagine. At least when I said we should end it, I wasn’t running into someone’s arms when it was over.”

Until I had said it, I hadn’t realized how much I hated her for doing that to me. I hadn’t even remembered that day very clearly until now. There isn’t much that I can recall of those first couple of weeks after my return trip from hell. But I remembered that because it hurt more than anything else had.

“And you think that you had it rough?” Buffy countered. “What about Angelus?”

Inwardly I winced knowing exactly what was to come.

Part Seven:

I had been waiting for her to bring this up. Not once since the return of my soul had either of us brought up my alter ego and what he had done during his reign of terror in Sunnydale six years ago. To say that I had been dreading this confrontation would be like saying that the Atlantic Ocean is a small lake. I knew perfectly well what I had done was
unforgivable yet I had allowed myself to believe that Buffy would never hold it against me. I remember a long time ago, reading the words, “Oh what fools these mortals be,” in some Shakespearean play. You can change that to “Oh what fools these immortals be.” We are just as foolish as the rest believing that our sins won’t be held against us.

“What I did then was inexcusable,” I said quietly, my head down. “And there’s nothing that I can do to change it. Yes, I killed Ms. Calendar and to be honest, I enjoyed it at the time. Angelus got off on pain and killing her hurt everyone in the group to some degree... You should be proud, though. Angelus was trying to destroy you like he did all the other Slayers that he came across. That *I* came across. Let’s not forget that one little detail. I am Angelus. And Angelus is me. There’s no avoiding it.”

“Angel...” Buffy pleaded. Pleaded for what? For me to stop? For me to go on?

“NO!” I cried sharply, more sharply than I had intended. “I need to get this out. I need to... God I need to hit something!”

Overcome with emotions, I tore the painting down and threw it into the lit fireplace. I watched in awe as the image of my family writhed and burned within the flames. Watched as my little Lexie’s face bubbled and melted then get eaten up by flames. And my own face. Slowly, without completely realizing what I was doing, I reached my hand out towards the flames. I wondered, would I feel the pain of the burns or would I just disintegrate into ash with no pain whatsoever. As a single flame jumped up to caress my palm, Buffy quickly reached over and snatched my hand from the fire. She cupped my face gently with her palm, turning it towards her own.

“Talk to me, Angel. Tell me what’s wrong,” she said softly, all of the anger gone from her voice.

“I killed them,” I whispered, lowering my eyes to the ground. “They were my family and I killed them. My little Lexie. She was only five when I killed her. She invited me in to the house, then I drained the blood from her veins. My first kill. They say that vampires remember their first kill more than any other. It’s true, you know. Her death is the one that haunts me the most. Hardly a night goes by when I don’t see her sweet little face, hear her ask me in that little fairy voice of her why I killed her...”

The picture is complete gone now. Reduced to ashes by the intensity of the flames. Their faces may have been removed from the paper, but they would never be removed from my mind. Just all of the rest that I either killed or turned. There are five that stick out the most. Lexie, Spike, Drusilla, the stupid Gypsy girl who got me curse, and Buffy.

“It wasn’t your fault, Angel. Any of it. It was the demon that killed them. Not you. Never you,” Buffy tried to assure me.

“Tell that to Jenny!” I cried hoarsely. “She was trying to save me and I killed her. You see these hands? These are the same hands that snapped her neck. These are the same hands that laid her out on Giles’ bed like a bloody gag gift. These are the same hands that hurt you and that held you down while I brought you across.”

Before I knew it, Buffy had silenced my lips with her own. Unwilling to hear me go on, she had quieted me the only way that she knew how. Her lips tasted salty and I dimly realized that she had been crying. Or perhaps I had. Who knows. All that I did know was that for the first time in five years I was feeling her lips on mine and, as always, it helped me to forget the pain. For the time being, anyway.

Part Eight:

I was the one who ended the kiss. Quite suddenly I have to say. I didn’t want to get distracted because I knew that if we did the conversation would be forgotten and all of the old wounds would just start to fester once again. I most certainly did not want to have to go through this in another five years. Five years was not much time to an immortal when he was as blissfully happy as I knew that I could be with Buffy.

“We can’t do this,” I muttered as I staggered away from the love of my unlife. My head was spinning and I could still feel the touch of her lips upon mine as though they were still there. For a few moments, I thought myself a fool, but with a quick shake of my head I banished all those thoughts.

“Don’t you love me anymore?” I heard Buffy ask quietly, her beautiful voice choked with unshed tears. “Is that why you left? Because you don’t love me anymore?”

If my heart had been beating, it would have stopped dead away right then. “Buffy, I love you more than anything else on this god-forsaken planet. I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you anymore. I left because I had broken my vow.”

Buffy stepped in front of my and slowly raised my head so that I was looking her in the eye. “What vow did you break?”
x
“Just after I was cursed the first time, I promised myself that I would never bring anyone else across. No matter how lonely I was or how wretched my existence had become. For over ninety years I had managed to keep that promise. As long as I had my soul, I had never created another vampire,” I said feeling the tears well up in my eyes. When I looked over at Buffy, I saw that she was already crying. “Then I was poisoned by Faith and you found out that the only cure was to drain a Slayer... And I broke my vow. I turned the woman that I love into a monster like me.”

“Oh, Angel...” Buffy sobbed, slipping her slender arms around my waist. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know...”

I slowly wrapped my arms around her, holding her small body flush against mine. God, how I had missed feeling her in my arms. “You couldn’t know. I never told you.”

“But I should have told you. I never meant to hurt you like this, Angel. I only wanted to be with you forever. I still do. Nothing will ever change that,” Buffy whispered to my chest.

After gently kissing the top of her head, I pulled back just far enough so that I could see her face. “And I want to be with you forever. I always have. That was one of the main reasons that I was going to leave. Your mother helped with that. She and the mayor convinced me that I had to leave for your sake, but I knew that I *should* leave so that I
would always be able to remember you the way that you were. Two hundred years from now, I wanted to be able to close my eyes and see the face of the woman who had dared to love me. But then Faith and her ‘let’s kill Angel’ poison were thrown into the mix and my whole plan was shot to shit.”

My last statement got a smile out of Buffy. “At least now, you can open your eyes two hundred years from now and see the face of the woman who does love you.”

“Is that a promise?” I asked, silently fearing the moment when the other shoe would drop. When she would tell me that she hated me for doing this to her. What can I say, I’m eternally pessimistic.

After several seconds which seemed infinitely longer than they actually were, Buffy nodded her head. “It’s a promise. Provided, of course, that you go have a nice long shower. You smell like a sewer. After that you are going to feed again, then we are going to have a nice *long* talk.”

Buffy and I had just reached the top of the stairs when I remembered something that could be a problem for our plan to spend eternity together. That fun little loophole in my curse. Scratch that, in our curse.

Sensing my unasked question, Buffy simply squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry, Angel. Your curse isn’t going anywhere. You’re stuck with your soul. Just like I’m stuck with mine. No amount of happiness will take them away.”

It was a good thing because I don’t think that I had ever been happier to hear anything in my entire life.

The End