Sweet Surrender

By Felicity

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, etc. They all belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, yadda yadda yadda, don't sue me please! I also don't own the song "Sweet Surrender" it's by Sarah McLachlan on her CD "Surfacing". I highly reccomend it!

Author's Notes: This is from Buffy's POV and takes place a few weeks after Becoming 2. This is my first song reflection fic, so please go easy on me! I love comments! Email me!

doesn’t mean much
it doesn’t mean anything at all
the life I’ve left behind me
is a cold one

The last flicker of light fades from the still gloriously red sky and I turn away. I pause and turn back, hearing the call again, gazing out the one window in my small hotel room, my eyes seeing things in the clouds that I’ve lost on earth. My mother’s face, Willow and Xander, Kendra and Giles. Angel. I tried so hard, but everything betrayed me, everything I knew, everything I trusted. Everything pulled me away, and so here I am in this little hotel room, gazing out at the darkening sky.

across the last life
from where I cannot turn
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

What I wouldn’t give to take it all back. Those horrible few days, when I lost everything. Everything but myself.

Take me, I tell the sky, the soft whisper that pulls at me. It has called me since I left home, driven me mad and kept me sane. It is always there, a tug under my heart, a voice that sings to me. I’m all I have. Take me.

sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

It wouldn’t be so bad to surrender, I think. To be taken away. Maybe whoever it is that is calling me could take away all the bad things. All the hurt I’ve caused and all the pain I’ve felt. Maybe they’ll take me from this horrible little room that is so very different from home, but only makes me think of it more. Maybe they’ll make me new again, and give me back.

Take me, I cry silently. Take me and change me. Make me back into what I was. Make me into who I was so I can go home. Take me please, and change me back.

take me
no questions asked
strip away the ugliness
that surounds me

It sings to me, a soft sound, like the waves of the ocean. Who is it? I wonder. Is it even real? Maybe I’m making it up, imagining that someone is with me so I won’t be so lonely. But I feel it’s presence. I feel the sweet light of it’s eyes calling me.

who are you?

I call out to it, whoever, whatever it is. I didn’t used to hear voices, did I? But I’m a different person now than I was before. Before everything. A thought occurs to me and I close my eyes, savoring it. Maybe it’s my time, after all. And that wouldn’t be so bad either. I’m not helping anyone on earth, I have nothing to live for anyway. I lost that. Take me. Take me to heaven. Please take me away from here.

are you an angel?
am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won’t dissapoint you
well I’m down here on
my knees

There’s nothing, no response. Am I right? Is it an angel, come to take me away, up from this Hell? I would pray if I knew how, but I don’t, so I can only ask it, can only hope. I haven’t hoped for a long time, but maybe now I should. Maybe now I can.

who are you?

Still nothing. Has it abandoned me? Am I truly alone, just when I thought maybe I wouldn’t be alone at all anymore? But no, it’s still there. I can feel it. It tugs at me again, demands . . . something. Demands the only thing I can give it. Go on. Take me.

sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

It doesn’t want me. I cry to it and it refuses, but keeps tugging, keeps singing. The light is almost gone outside my window. My time is almost up. Once night, true night falls, I cannot think, I cannot cry out, I can only wait for something to redeem me, though nothing ever will.

who are you?

This time there’s an answer; it’s not in words, but I feel it anyway. Know it. My knees go weak and I cannot believe it. Not truly. He is gone, I killed him. He cannot be here, with me. It’s impossible. But voices that sing to me isn’t exactly normal.

"Angel?" I whisper. Take me love. Take me.

sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

He wants something from me and I have only myself to give. And yet he won’t take me. He won’t take me with him, away from this place. He leaves me here and it’s getting dark outside. It’s so cold at night, and so frightening. I have no protection anymore against spirits. Against dreams. And they overwhelm me every night, in the form of memories. I cannot stop them, I cannot push them away. Take me Angel. I cannot stay here.

I think of him, of all the things I want to say to him. I killed him, and yet when he reached out to me I was the one that went into Hell. I’m there, still, and he won’t take me out of it. Won’t take me away. I surrender my life and he doesn’t want it. I want him, I want everything about him. He was so beautiful, and I miss him, and yet he won’t take me away.

don’t understand
how the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
I miss everything
about you

I can almost hear him. Maybe I can. Maybe this is real or maybe it is another of my dreams, coming on early. Maybe it is dark after all, and my eyes are too blinded by the light to see it. Why are you so far from home? I can hear him whisper. Because I couldn’t stay, I answer, but I know that isn’t good enough.

doesn’t mean much
doesn’t mean anything at all
the life I’ve left behind me
is a cold one

It’s he that asks me this time. I cannot answer him; I lost myself in that vortex when I lost him. But here he is, speaking to me. Wanting to know who I am when I don’t know myself.

who are you?

I have nothing but myself, I remind him. Not even my name. Not even my identity. Just me. And he asks if that isn’t the same thing. But I know it isn’t. If I knew who I was, maybe I could go back. Maybe I could tell them that, but I know nothing and I have nothing to tell them. Please Angel, take me away. All I can give you is myself. Take me.

sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

One more thing, he tells me, and I deny it, but I don’t even have enough certainty to argue with him, with this dream voice that whispers to me. What else? I ask. What else do I have to give you? And he tells me, though I don’t know, don’t understand.

who are you?

He asks me again. The woman that loves you, I tell him. The woman that killed you. He denies it. He tells me I’m myself and that’s all that matters. Please Angel, it would be so much easier. Take me. I’m all I have. But he does not believe me; one more thing, he says. I have one more thing.

sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

I give him what he asks for, because he asks for it. And somehow I am still there, still standing, but in that small dark hotel room. He is not gone yet, and so I ask him why. Why the promise Angel? Why did you make me promise? Because I have so much more to do, he replied. Because I need to find out all the others things I have. Take me, I cry again, but it is too late. He’s not pulling anymore, not demanding. He has my promise and that is what he wanted. Please, I beg. Please take me. Don’t leave me here. And he tells me he’ll always be with me, but he’s gone. He leaves my promise, even though he asked for it. Leaves the promise I gave him to try again. The promise to be someone, to go home, to love again. Take me, I ask one last time. I’m all I have. But maybe that’s not true anymore. Maybe I have Angel and maybe I have my promise and maybe I have my name. Maybe I have more than I think. It’s dark outside now, but I’m not scared and I’m not cold. I’m not alone anymore, even though he’s gone, and I’m going home. I surrender myself to the light.

sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

The End