Waiting
By Guchguy

Author's Note: In case you can't tell, this is from Angel's POV right after the Angel episode I Will Remember You.
Disclaimer: Never owned them, never will. They all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. Don't sue because that would really suck.
Spoilers: GeeÉ..everything from Surprise to Pangs and I Will Remember You.
Distribution: Just ask.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling guilt for deeds done centuries ago. I'm tired of being forced inside during the day, of only being able to come out during the night. I'm tired of watching people sacrifice their lives in a futile attempt to stave off the demons of hell. But most of all, I'm tired of knowing that she is so close, yet beyond my reach.

I keep a picture of her near my bed. Every day, before I go to bed, I look at her picture, reliving memories both bitter and sweet. And that is the worst thing, knowing that these are all I have left of her, some old pictures and memories. I know that I no longer have any claim to her, that she has begun to move on. I have those memories of those few days during which I was human, but, again, they are only memories. They are like whispers in the wind, teasing your senses, yet unsubstantial.

She doesn't even have that much. There is nothing to stop her from moving on. I try to tell myself that this was what I wanted, but I know in my heart that this is just a lie, that a part of me wants her to never forget me, to never be with anyone but me.

Whistler tried to warn me. He told me not to get involved, but I ignored him, not fully understanding his warning. Looking back on my decisions, I'm not sure if I would change anything, despite all the pain that our love caused. It's like the old saying, ÒBetter to have loved and lost, then the never have loved at all." I know that it's true, butÉ.it still hurts.

I remember all the pain I felt when the 'Curse' was cast upon me, the pain of knowing of the deaths I had caused, the suffering I had visited upon innocents. The pain has lessened over time, perhaps because of her. I still feel it, but it isn't as strong as it was ninety years ago.

While I was with her, the pain was lessened somehow; the guilt and despair submerged in the love I felt for her. Only once did the pain and despair completely leave me. When I was with her on her seventeenth birthday, the night we slept together was the only moment I was truly happy. It wasn't the act that caused me to feel a moment of true happiness, but afterwards, as she lay in my arms, loving me and trusting me enough to lie completely defenseless in my bed.

Fate was cruel that night. Who could believe that an act of such love could bring about such evil? I lost my soul, becoming the demon Angelus once more. For months I tortured her, striking mercilessly at her and her friends. Yet even then, I bore a type of love for her. Otherwise, why would I have done the things I had done?

When I had my soul returned to me, I was horrified by the knowledge that once again my hands had spilled the blood of innocents. Worse than that, though, was the knowledge that I had hurt her, the woman that I loved. The tortures of hell were nothing compared to the knowledge of what I had done. Over the centuries, this knowledge drove me into a kind of madness.

Once again, she was my salvation. She restored me, bringing me away from that precipice and back into her world. Yet, even then, I knew that I did not belong. Her world was one of light and life, and I had no right to be a part of it.

I knew this, yet I refused to acknowledge it. I knew that she still loved me, even after all the things Angelus had done to her. I knew as well, that if I left that she would eventually forget this love. It wasn't her fault, it is human nature to forget. It is the only way we can truly heal.

It was only when her mother came to see me, to tell me that if I loved her then I would leave that I admitted to myself the truth I had already known in my heart: In order to save the one I loved, I had to leave her.

So I told her that I was leaving. She didn't want me to leave andÉneither did I. But I think that we both knew that this was the only way. I told her that I would leave after her graduation, after the Ascension. I told her that if we survived, I wouldn't say goodbye, I would just leave. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, saying those words, knowing that I was hurting her.

We survived the battle. The mayor was killed, his vampire minions scattered, and we all survived. Afterwards I saw her. God, she looked beautiful.

I stared at her, knowing that this was probably the last time I would ever see her. She turned and she saw me. I looked at her, trying to let my eyes show her how much I loved her; how much it hurt me to do this. Finally, I turned and walked away, knowing that I had left my heart with my one true love.

I arrived here, in Los Angeles. I found an apartment quickly, this city has an endless supply of living space. I fed; I slept; I patrolled; I went through all the movements of life, but I didn't live. I let myself slip into some sort of numbness, not letting myself feel; know that if I did, I would lose control.

It was during those first few months that I met Doyle. He had been sent by The Powers That Be to act as my spiritual guide. He got me a place where I could launch my new business, but, more importantly, he gave me a reason to live. He told me that people needed me to help them, and I guess that became my personal mission. I began to help people, saving them from their own personal demons. It was on one of my early jobs that I found Cordelia. In Sunnydale she had been one of the Slayerettes, and she had come to Los Angeles to try an acting career. She had fallen on hard times, however, so I took her in; made her a part of my business.

For months we worked on case after case, helping people whenever they were in trouble. Then, one day, Doyle had a vision about 'her'. She was in trouble and if I didn't help her, she would die. So I went back. I went back to the place I had promised myself I would never return to, saw the person I thought I would never see again. She never knew I was there, and after the threat was over, I went back to Los Angeles.

For days I was troubled by my visit. I tried to find things to occupy my attention, but found that my thoughts kept returning to her. The sight of her had troubled me more than I wanted to admit.

Then she came. I don't know how she knew I had been there, or how she found me, but she did. She had come to tell me that we shouldn't see each other again, that we should try to forget. Though I was silently screaming that that was the last thing we should do, I told her that she was right, that we should try to forget.

It was at this moment that the mohra demon attacked us. It had been sent to kill a warrior of the Light, meaning either her or me. We fought it, and it ran away. I tracked it to the sewers, where I killed it. However, something happened to me when I killed the creature. Some of it's blood mixed with mine, with a strange effect. It brought me back to life! The demon was gone, I was able to go out during the day, I didn't have to drink blood anymore, I was human again.

I went to go see her, knowing that whatever barriers had kept us apart no longer existed. I found her in the park, watching some kids play. She sensed my presence somehow, and she stared at me with wide eyes as I walked up to her.

I kissed her, though I hadn't meant to. It just felt so right. We stayed like that for several moments before I led her back to my apartment. We started talking, I explained to her what had happened, what this meant for us, that we shouldn't do anything rash, things like that. ThenÉ.then we made love. I hadn't meant to do that either. It was as if my heart knew what to do, even though my brain was still confused.

While I was with her, Doyle had another vision. The demon that I thought dead was still alive. I knew that I no longer had my vampire strength or stamina, but I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need those things, that I could still fight.

I went after it alone. It nearly killed me. If she hadn't found us, I would have died. Before she killed it, it warned us that it was only the first of many, that the End of Days was coming.

I was disturbed by its words and so I went to see the Oracles. They confirmed that the End of Days was coming, and that when it came, she would be one of the first to die. I offered to become a vampire again, knowing that I might be able to protect her with my superhuman abilities.

They agreed, and we were given a few moments together before they would send me back in time to change what had happened. I would be the only one who remembered what had happened. When I told her, she told me that she would never forget our time together. We held each other, as if by doing so we could stop this from happening. We kissed each other, sobbing at the cruelty of fate.

They sent me back right before the mohra demon arrived. I killed it before it could do anything, telling her that I had read a book that said its weaknesses. We said our good-byes and she left, never remembering what had happened between us. Only I remember, only I bear that burden. I guess that I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I sit here, in the dark, thinking of her. And I wait, I wait for the final battle where all things shall be resolved. I wait for the End of Days.

The End