Careful What You Wish For
By Felicity and Andrea
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox, Mutant Enemy and all those lovely people.
Author's Notes: This takes place sometime around "Faith, Hope and Trick" except in this universe Faith came to Sunnydale during the summer, so there was never a need for Buffy in her slaying capacity, and also the whole clearing the air thing didn't happen in "Dead Man's Party" so everyone's still pretty tense. It's not like they're all friends again, they're still working things out. Um, I think that's it. Andrea came up with the basic idea and wrote several scenes and I (Felicity) wrote the rest, we both love comments! You can email her at H0neyAnge1@aol.com or me at felicity@SunnydaleHigh.zzn.com.
Part 1
He raised his eyes to hers, and what she saw in their black depths frightened
her more than any vampire, any demon, or any man ever has. There was pain there,
so much pain, and fear, and horror, and just enough faint traces of what had once
been love to justify the betrayal and the hate. The latter two which were directed
at her.
Buffy flinched back from the unyielding blackness, tried to turn away but couldn't.
They held her, screaming silent accusations. All of which were true.
"Angel I–"
"Loved you," he said, interupting, and his voice was raw and terrible.
"I loved you. And you sent me to Hell." His mouth twisted into a parody
of a smile, a horrible, pained twist. "Not a nice place."
"I didn't have a choice!" Buffy exclaimed. "Acathla would have swallowed
the world into Hell!" Angel's smile mocked her.
"So you sent me instead. How brave of you. What a sacrifice." Buffy flinched,
trying not to hear, but the words kept coming. "Did you think you were helping?
Did you think you helped anyone? Your friends? They were better off without you.
You only hurt them. You know they hate you."
"No!" Buffy screamed. "No! No!" But as loudly as she screamed,
she couldn't shut out his voice, and nothing she could ever do–nothing–could shut
out those black, black eyes...
********************
"No!" Buffy screamed. "No! No!"
"Buffy!" Joyce cried, running to her sleeping daughter. "Wake up.
Buffy, it's just a dream!"
"Mom? she asked, beginning to wake up.
"It was just a dream, Buffy. It's okay. You're home now." Buffy nodded
numbly, clinging to her mother. She'd thought coming home might stop the nightmares
she'd had all summer, but they only made them worse. She'd only been home a few weeks
and already–they'd never been this bad before. And the worst part was that they were
so real. That she'd had other dreams come true, and who knew these wouldn't?
"You okay?" Joyce asked. Buffy nodded slowly. "Why don't you get ready
for school then?" Buffy nodded again, pretending everything was all right. Which
it wasn't. Which it never could be.
********************
Buffy arrived at school late that day. She just couldn’t shake her dream. She was
just going through the motions. She said hi to Xander and Willow, checked in with
Giles in the library, and went to her class.
She was supposed to report to the library after classes to train but she really didn’t
feel like it. She was having a really bad day. She hadn’t done any of her homework
and all of her teachers had been mad at her about something.
********************
Buffy reluctantly pushed the door of the library open and stepped inside. Training was really not what she wanted to be doing, but she had been gone for three months. Giles was probably just itching to get her back in shape. She was not looking forward to their training session.
Giles wasn't anywhere to be seen. Buffy frowned and glanced around. "Giles?" she called. "Giles?" A moment later the tweed-clas librarian stepped out from behind the stacks.
"Who is it?" he asked, before seeing Buffy. "Oh. Buffy."
"Um, yeah . . . I thought maybe you'd recognize my voice voice after what, two and half years of seeing each other daily?" Buffy asked, trying not to show that his failure to recgonize her voice had hurt. She hadn't been gone that long, had she? She remembered their voices. Of course, she'd thought about them all the time, wondered what they were doing, what they'd say if they were with her. Had they thought about her at all?
"I—I'm sorry. It's just, I'm rather . . . rather tired and I—"
"Don't worry about it Giles," Buffy said, interupting. "Let's just train. Where's Faith?" As much as she really wasn't too fond of the other Slayer, it'd be interesting to work out with her. Probably humiliating, since she was out of shape, but interesting. Oh yeah, this was going to be so much fun! Giles looked startled and took his glasses off.
"We already . . . already trained, I'm afraid. I forgot—"
"About me?" Buffy asked bitterly. Reluctantly, Giles nodded. Buffy was speechless. Momentarily. "So what, I don't even count now?" she demanded. She paused long enough for Giles to open his mouth, then kept talking. "Do you want me to forget the whole thing? I know I left. I made a mistake, okay? I needed some time to deal. I dealt. I'm back, but not really feeling the love here. In fact, not even feeling welcome. I'm not asking much. Just maybe remember I exist?" She knew she was being harsh, but with her dream and then this . . . she was having a really bad day. Maybe she shouldn't have come home at all.
Giles seemed speechless. Unfortunately, not everyone in the room was.
"You skipped town, okay? Gotta face the consequences," Faith said, appearing from the stacks. "Get over it B. Whatever your trauma is, move on and stop acting like a bitch!" That was too much to take from anyone. Especially Faith.
"You don't know what you're talking about! And I'm willing to move on—I'm trying to get back to my life, but you seem pretty contented with it!"
"You snooze, you lose," Faith said. "It's not my fault you left."
"Okay. I've had enough! Giles, I'll see you tonight," Buffy said, turning to leave.
"A-actually—" Giles began. Buffy turnedback.
"Don't tell me. I don't need to patrol. Faith's got everything under control."
"Well I do," the other Slayer put in. Giles nodded. Buffy bit the inside of her cheek to keep away the tears that sprang to her eyes for no reason at all. She didn't have to patrol. That was a good, right? Except that Giles should want her to patrol. He didn't care. She didn't matter. They didn't need her anymore. Buffy didn't say anything, just turned and walked quickly out, not sure whether she was angry or sad.
She decided on angry. “Why did he train with her? I’m his Slayer!” Buffy mumbled
to herself as she walked home from school. “He told me to come to the library after
school as that we could train, but no he goes and trains with her first and sends
me on my merry way.”
All she was that the one thing that had always been hers—the one thing they needed
her for—was gone and she might as well never have come back to Sunnyale. She might
as well never have been born.
********************
That night Buffy decided to go by the Bronze. She didn’t have to patrol and her
mom was working so she decided to go and see if she would run into Willow or Xander.
She hadn’t seen them all day and she was worried.
Buffy opened the door of the Bronze and stepped inside. She glanced around the room
and spotted the Scooby gang sitting at their usual table. They seemed to be doing
just fine without her. Just like everyone else.
She gathered up her courage and headed to the table. “Hey, guys.”
“Buffy, hey,” Xander replied before quickly turning his attention back to the music.
Buffy looked down and took a deep breath before trying again. “So, what’s going on?”
“Not much,” Willow answered not even looking at Buffy.
“Cordy, want to dance?” Xander asked Cordelia.
“Sure,” she responded and they moved away.
"I can't believe what Giles did earlier," Buffy began, anger building
up again as she thought of how he'd forgotten about her. "He like forgot I existed!"
“That's too bad. Oz, do you um maybe want to dance?” Willow asked her boyfriend.
“I’d love to,” he said taking her hand.
Buffy stood there for a minute watching her friends dance with each other, then she
turned and quietly left, tears falling.
********************
Buffy sat silently on the floor of the mansion. “Angel, I really wish you were here.
It’s so hard. No one needs me anymore. My mother works all the time, Giles has Faith,
and Will, Xand, Oz, and Cordy are all mad at me. They were getting on just fine then
I showed up again.”
Tears fell from her eyes as she tought of Angel. He was the one person she knew that
would have understood. He would never have forgetten her.
“Maybe I should never have come back. Without you here there’s nothing left. I bet
everyone wishes I had never been born.”
Buffy began to seriously think about that thought. “If I had never been born my parents
would still be together, Giles might have a life, Ms. Calander would still be alive,
you would still be alive and have your soul, and everyone would be okay. They would
still be teens who’s only fear is ‘did someone say something bad about me’ and ‘
did I fail the test.’ Slayer's are supposed to help, but I just hurt everyone like
I hurt you." She cast her eyes upward, around her. Acathla was gone, but it
didn't matter. She could still see him there; still see Angel. She closed her eyes
and let the memories flow through her, over her.
"Buffy?" he asked, that lost, helpless look in his eyes. He didn't know what was going on. He didn't remember. And she couldn't tell him.
Buffy's breathing quickened and so did the wash of memories.
"Shh. Don't worry about it. I love you." And it was the truth, but such a lie. Because she did love him, more than anything, but how would that help when she killed him? When she sent him to Hell? And he said the words too and that was the worst thing. He said he loved her and he didn't know. He had no idea that the mouth was opening to swallow them all. To swallow him. The deepest betrayal.
"Close your eyes." And he did and there was nothing else she could do. No choices left to her but one. And so she kissed him for the last time and then, and then—
Buffy drew in one deep, ragged breath, seeing him reaching out to her, calling her name. Slowly she forced her eyes open and looked down. Her hand was clenched, so tightly around something . . . She opened her fist, so very slowly and saw the ring. She'd forgotten she had it with her. She drew in a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, looking at this simple metal band, a symbol of everything she had once had and everything she had lost. And then she put it down.
"Goodbye," Buffy whispered, because for the second time in this place she had no other choice. She stood slowly, as if she'd aged years, and turned away from the ring. Turned away from everything, and walked out of her memories.
*****
Buffy stopped suddenly, just outside the mansion. Her head cocked, listening for something. Something she could have sworn she'd heard and yet something she knew she'd never hear again. His voice. Calling her name. And then she heard it again and she turned around to go back into the mansion, visions of her friends dancing in her mind, and Angel reaching out to her from the vortex.
She was alone, and nothing could change that. And maybe she did need to move on, but nobody was helping with the process. Her friends had coupled off, and they were happy that way. All she had was her memories, but they would have to be enough. And moving on didn't mean leaving the one thing of his she had left. The one symbol of the happiness that she had once had. She couldn't do that. She couldn't leave it.
Buffy quickened her pace, nearly running back into the mansion, into that room. And then she reached the doorway and she stopped. Time stopped. Everything stopped.
Because he was there.
Angel.
It took her a moment before she saw it. A long moment before she flinched at the horrors before her and tried to close her eyes. But by then it was too late. She couldn't look away. It was her fault after all. She was the one that had sent him to Hell. She was the one that had caused the welts and burns and the bruises. It was her fault and it was her responsibility.
Buffy forced herself to take a step. He moaned and she stopped. She steeled herself and took another step, and then another, and then she was kneeling beside him, tears streaming down her cheeks onto his bent head. She took off her coat and covered his lower half, slowly reached out to touch him and turn him over so that she could see his face. He moaned again and passed out and she turned him as gently as she knew how, a rough sob breaking from her as she saw his face. His face they hadn't touched. The rest of his body was like no horror she had ever seen or dreamed of. But his face was the same. The one with the angelic face. And Buffy leaned down slowly and kissed his forehead and promised that she would heal him. She had hurt him and she would heal him. Her eyes traveled down to his hands, and in one of them was clenched the ring. Ever so gently she slipped it on to one of his fingers, and then, tears falling from her eyes onto his beautiful, undamaged face, she lifted him and carried him to bed.
********************
Buffy rose slowly from her kneeling position beside the bed, feeling like she'd been there for years and not a few hours.
He was asleep now; every once in a while he would move, or whimper and his face would contort into a mask of agony. After she had bandaged his wounds as well as she could, she'd slept on the floor beside the bed, waiting for those moments of pain, to soothe away the memories. But it was almost dawn and she'd have to go home and change before school. Not to mention dealing with her mom.
And before all that, she needed a minute to deal with herself.
Buffy cast one last long look at him before going out. "I'll come back as soon as I an," she promised and hoped he heard her. She steeled herself and walked out of the mansion.
It was still dark, but the stars were beginning to fade from the barely lightening sky above. Buffy mounted the garden steps slowly, her eyes burning and her throat tight, but no tears coming. Why wouldn't the tears come? They'd come before, earlier.
Maybe she didn't deserve a chance to cry.
Buffy reached the top of the stairs and stood up on the hillside looking down over Sunnydale. The city was dark for the most part, just a few early risers here and there. Buffy didn't even see the lights; all she could see was Angel. Angel whimpering in his sleep; Angel reaching out to her as he was sucked into Hell. And then more, different images–Willow in a coma, Jenny Calendar's neck broken, Giles tortured. So many people had been hurt because of her. So many people had hurt. And it was all her fault . . .
"I wish I'd never been born," Buffy whispered, then repeated it, louder, and then shouted it out to the world. "I wish I'd never been born!" As she said "born," the sun appeared over the horizon, lighting everything. Buffy reached up and felt the tears on her cheek–she was crying.
"I wish I'd never been born," she said quietly, then turned and started down the hill.