So Many Words For The Broken Heart
By Jessica

SPOILER WARNING: Since this deals with Angel leaving Buffy, spoilers for "The Prom" through "Graduation Day 1&2". After that it deals with my own version season 4.
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNING: Some profanity, it helps to express anger.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own 'em. Joss does, I'm just correcting his mistakes for this non-profit piece of fiction. So don't sue. Also, the title and song "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely" belongs to the Backstreet Boys and their record label. (Don't think I'm one of those crazy obsessed BSB fans, I'm not. I just thought the song worked well)
FEEDBACK: YES!!!!! Tell me what you thought, unless you're one of those people who supports Angel leaving. I don't want flames, only compliments and constructive criticism.
NOTES: This is in first person, from Buffy's POV.


I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see him, smack him, do something. It was either that or lose it completely. So that's how I ended up here on an empty freeway, in Cordy's car, speeding towards LA. Cordelia had come back for the weekend, and informed me that Angel had moved to the so-called "City of Angels". It didn't take much, she just sort of tossed me her keys.

I hope Mom won't kill me.

I hadn't been the same since Graduation. To people who know me, that was obvious. I knew a breakdown was in my future, unless I did something about it. I had done everything from wondering what I did to make him leave, to wondering if he even loved me at all. My logic was if he loved me, he would not have taken my heart out and stomped on it. Not to mention, not even saying good-bye.

The tears come again.

I needed to do something, so I turned on the radio. Cordy's radio was tuned to some pop station. I think it was Britney Spears in the background. I'm not really into that stuff. Besides, I wasn't in a happy mood. I didn't need any teeny-bopper stuff. I hit the 'Seek' button until I found some station playing Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You". Great, more depressing music.

I flipped open the glove compartment to find an assortment of cds. After digging through such singers as Sheryl Crow, I came upon the new Backstreet Boys cd. Willow had said she liked it, I hadn't heard anything from it except that "I Want It That Way" song that every station seemed to play. I popped it into the cd player.

The first two songs (including the one I knew) were fine. Then track #3 came on.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me....

I guess I could relate to some of this stuff, the lyrics I could make out. I leaned my head back against the leather headrest and drove through the dark night, Cordy's headlights revealing the road as it twisted and turned heading towards my birthplace---and Angel's new home.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze, if only
Guilty roads to an endless love
There's no control
Are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me....

Oh God. How could he leave me? Did he honestly think that I could have kids? Ok, so physically, I could. But how could I endanger a child like that? Not to mention another human being. So maybe I'm a hypocrite because I have my friends, but it wasn't my first intention to involve them. Besides, I'm the damn Slayer. I probably won't live that much longer anyway. He left for himself, and that hurts more than I can bear.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

There's nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body, and soul
How can it be you're asking me to feel
the things you never show

You are missing in my heart
Tell me why I can't be there where you are

Finally, I can see the lights of the city ahead of me. I wonder what he's doing. Cordelia gave me an address--a little reluctantly. She didn't want him to get mad at her. Screw him.

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why, I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

I reached LA. Now, for the task of finding Angel. I had no idea what I was going to say. I had enough money on me for a hotel room for the night. I was pretty sure he wouldn't let me stay with him. So I drove around till I found a Holiday Inn. To my surprise it was easy to get a room, they weren't that busy apparently.

I hadn't planned this out, so I didn't have any clothes. I just left. For the first time I could care less about what I was wearing. No, wait. Second time. Last summer I didn't care either. I didn't have the patience to sit and plan what I was going to do out. I just needed to do it, regardless of what I would say. So I left my room and headed back to Cordy's car. I had to see him, tonight.

According to the address I had, Angel was living in a small apartment in a run-down area of the city. Perfect for him. I found it easily enough, though I wasn't sure he was home. So I parked the car, and locked it. Cordelia would be so pissed if her car got stolen. Angel's apartment was on the ground level. I approached the door slowly, and knocked twice. No one answered. I cautiously tried the doorknob. It was locked. Not a biggie, I easily opened the door. Angel's apartment was bare, not at all like his old one. Even the mansion was spacious and nice compared to this. He had a bed, with plain white sheets and a blanket. In addition a small kitchen area, a table and chair. No where near as many possessions. I sat down on the bed, and realized just how worn I was. I couldn't think, all I could do was just wait for him. My heart was so battered and dead, nothing he could say or do could compare.

I didn't realize just how tired I was, because I fell asleep, and the next thing I knew Angel was shaking me awake.

"Buffy?" he said, as he gently shook my shoulder. Oh God, it was him.

"Huh?" I managed to get out. I sat up and opened my eyes. And there he was, standing above me. Funny, how he was acting as if nothing was wrong.

"What are you doing here?" he asked as soon as I sat up. Ok, I drove all night to see him. He found me in his apartment, what did he think I was here for? A business trip? Suddenly the anger I had been feeling underneath the heartbreak began to surface.

"What the hell do you think I'm doing here?" I suddenly snapped. He looked taken aback. This time his angelic face wasn't going to sway me.

"Uh...." he stammered, stepping back a little. "I thought you knew that I left for good," he said, his face hardening into resolve, the way it had when he first told me he was leaving. That was the worst day of my life.

"Fuck you," I said quietly. This time he looked really shocked. I was shocked I had actually said it. Sure, I had thought it, and much worse things, but never actually spoke them. Not even to Willow.

"What?" he whispered. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath, preparing for the angry words that would soon pour out of my mouth.

"How dare you leave me. What gives you the right?" I said, my voice low and sharp.

"Buffy, we've been through this before. You know I can't give you what you want. You deserve someone---human," he said, as if he were exasperated. The nerve of him.

"Oh yeah. That's right, I find myself a human guy, just another life to endanger. Then I marry him, have a few kids. Then I endanger little innocent children who have no choice. That's really good, Angel. I thought you of all people would realize that," I continued, getting sarcastic.

"You won't be a Slayer forever...." he tried to say.

"That's right! I'll die! Don't you get it!? I don't get to have a normal life. That's what's wrong with my fucked up life. I'll die soon, for all I know, that could be tomorrow! Can't you just give me the one thing I want most?" I said, a little quieter on the last sentence.

"Buffy, our relationship is a joke! Buffy, our love was meant to be, you gotta realize that. But it was never meant to last. It's so pointless to try and make it work. We can't even make love! Is that what you want? You might as well join a nunnery," he spilled out. I couldn't help myself, my eyes began to fill with tears. I tried to will them back.

"Who in the hell cares about sex?!" I screamed. "God, that's not what love is about. The fundamental reason for having sex is to reproduce, which we already covered. You can't have 'em, and neither can I," I continued. My voice was starting to grow hoarse.

"Buffy.....it's better this way...." he tried again.

"OH YEAH! It's so much better this way! You know what I do nowadays? I fail school, I sit around my dorm in my pajamas listening to Sarah McLachlan till Willow forces me to do my homework. I haven't been to the Bronze in weeks! That's how depressed I am. I think my doctor wants to put me on Prozac," I said, with a wry laugh. Angel stared at me, horrified. "And you, you pretend to be the strong one and other macho bullshit like that. I know you, I know you better than you know yourself. You try to take your mind off the pain by fighting, but during the day you're just as depressed," I added.

"Buffy, in the long run, you won't regret this. Can't you see that I'm doing this for you? I'm miserable, you're right. But it's what's best for you...." he stopped when he saw the deathly glare on my face.

"Who in the hell do you think you are?" I said, quietly. I wanted him to answer, it was a question, not a statement.

"You mean, you want me to answer that?" he said softly, surprised. I nodded. "I'm...I'm Angel. A.....a vampire...with a soul," he said.

"Good. But you left something out. Maybe, my father! God, you treat me like I'm your damn child! Guess what?! I'm not! I make my own goddamned decisions, NOT YOU! Who are you to tell me what's best for me? I'm 18, Angel. By law, my mother can no longer tell me what to do, and neither can you!" I yelled. Then my face softened. "I saved your life. Right now, you have me, my blood, inside of you. And this is how you thank me?"

"I'm sorry, Buffy.....I can't go back. I can't. They all hate me there, it's just better if we walked away," he said quietly.

"We? Since when did I agree to this?" I asked.

"You didn't. But you will, you have to. Buffy, I love you more than life itself, you know that. And because I love you, I have to leave you," he whispered.

"You didn't even say good-bye," I sobbed.

"It would have been too hard--for me. But is that what you want? A good-bye?" he asked. I suddenly realized he was serious. I wouldn't be able to persuade him he was sadly mistaken. That was his last offer---a good-bye. I nodded, tears running down my face. "Come here," he whispered, opening his arms. I slowly walked to him, when I was face to face with him I flung my arms around his neck. I felt his arms encircle my waist. He leaned over and whispered in my ear," I love you, Buffy. I'll never, ever stop. I swear it. I know you don't think so because of this, but in time you'll see. I love you, and now you have to let me go," he whispered. I could hear the sobs in his voice.

"Angel, don't leave me. I love you, more than anything. I don't know why you think I'll be able to move on, I won't. I'll never ever stop loving you. When I die, my heart will still yearn for you," I whispered back, tears running down my face. His lips found mine, and we kissed. I don't know for how long, it felt like forever. It was our last kiss. When he finally pulled away, he sighed. Then with one last kiss on my forehead, he went to the door, and opened it for me. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to get up and walk out. After I was out the door, I turned around, we shared one last pained look. Then he turned around and shut the door. I went to Cordelia's car, got in, and drove away.

After all, I had booked that hotel room for the night. And I had a feeling I'd need it.

The End

I held her close
I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love, I knew I'd miss

And now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life, that night
- Pearl Jam, "Last Kiss"