What Tomorrow Will Bring:
Everybody Hurts (The End)

AUTHOR & E-MAIL: By Nicole. I would love to hear what you think, good or bad, any feedback will be greatly appreciated, please e-mail me at: Podantic@hotmail.com

DISCLAIMER: Sadly enough, the characters within do not belong to me. They belong to the very gifted writers and creators of ER - NBC, Warner Bros, Amblin Entertainment and Constant C Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. I am using them without permission, and am not being paid for the use of them in this story. I have also used lyrics from R.E.M's 'Everybody Hurts' - who also don't belong to me, they belong to them <g>. The character of Carol's father is based on a real person who is very dear to me, his strength in his commitment to his family has inspired me to no end. The character Steve belongs to himself (and to me for slight embellishment - which he deserves!), you can have him if you want, he's up for grabs, I have gladly wiped my hands of him <g>!!!

SUMMARY: This is the eighth and final part of my 'What Tomorrow Will Bring' series, but it can also stand alone. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 'Everybody Hurts (The End)' is a little bit different to any of my other stories in this series and I've put a lot of work into it, so I hope it reaches and maybe even surpasses your expectations (a girl can dream, can't she?) A lot of the detail contained within has been taken from documented historical events and as such, I would like to express my gratitude to the historians L.P. Morris (Eastern Europe Since 1945; London: Heinemann, 1984), John Traynor (Europe 1890-1990; London: MacMillan, 1991), and the one and only David Christian (Power and Privilege; Melbourne: Pitman, 1986). This story relates the details of Carol's father's life and death, as well as the effect of both on Carol herself. I started writing this series around the season 3 episodes (pre-finale) and have taken my own course from there. In this story, I have drawn events back into the season 4 storyline through the use of 'that scene' from 'Of Past Regrets and Future Fears'.

RATING: Deals with adult themes, contains some swear words and blasphemy - sorry if you are offended by them. This one also contains sex scenes, so if you are underage or if that kind of thing is not for you turn back now and come back again when you're 18!

DEDICATION: This one's for Sunita, thanks for being a great friend, I hope everything goes well for you. A big thank you also to my editors, Sharon and Kelly, you guys have been great.

'WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING: EVERYBODY HURTS (THE END)'
By Nicole, July-September 1998.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ CAROL HATHAWAY'S HOUSE, 12:36am.

Doug and Carol were lying comfortably together in her bed. Legs entwined, she had an arm draped lazily across his naked chest. She was on her stomach, half on top of him, breasts, now soft and warm, moulded into him. The only light was the harsh florescence of a street lamp from outside. Neither were talking, both lost in their own thoughts, the only sounds being the clatter of the El as it hurried past and the chug of the occasional car. Doug was thinking about something he'd remembered a few days ago, something Carol's mother had told him years before, it disturbed him and confused him at the same time, mainly because of its vagueness. Her thoughts were far more congenial, about him and how nice it felt to be with him again. The contemplative mood was broken when Doug suddenly spoke up.

"Carol?" his voice was soft, questioning, tentative.

"Yeah?"

"There's something I need to ask you," he started talking faster, "It's been on my mind a bit lately, that's all. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to..."

Carol shifted so that she could look at him and smiled at his flustering, "Get to the point, Doug."

"Okay. I remembered something your mom told me a few years ago, when we were going out..." he sounded so serious, so unlike the Doug she used to know.

"What's that?"

"She told me that your previous boyfriend had abused you."

Her smile faded, "Oh, that."

"It won't change the way I feel about you if you tell me, but I need to know..."

"It wasn't rape, if that's what you're thinking."

"I don't know what I'm thinking, Carol. I just know that he hurt you. Did he hit you?"

"He...he was a bit rough sometimes, he liked it rough."

"You mean sex?"

"Yeah," she looked away from him and put her head back down on his chest.

"Did he force himself on you?"

She sighed, "Once or twice."

"That's rape, Carol."

"No, it isn't. You don't understand. I consented. It was always all about him, I understood that. He would just arouse me enough so that he would come and then that'd be it. Those times were no different really, he just didn't get me going first. It was too fast, that's all."

Doug wrapped his arms tighter around her and gently kissed her hairline, "Was there any damage?"

"There was some pretty bad tearing both times. Nothing permanent. It wasn't anything I wasn't used to though, he was a lot stronger than me, a lot bigger than me. . ."

"Carol, that's no excuse. I'm a lot stronger than you. But have I ever been rough with you?"

She just shrugged and didn't say anything.

"Have I?"

She looked at him, sighed, then looked away again and whispered, "Not like that."

"What?"

'Oh my God,' she thought to herself, 'I can't believe I'm saying this, he doesn't need to know this.' Her voice got the better of her, "I said, not like that, not sexually."

"I hurt you?" pulling away from her he got out of bed, pulled on a pair of track pants and started pacing, "I don't remember, I . . . I don't, I can't believe it," he looked at her and his face fell, he had always thought that the one good thing he'd ever done when he was with Carol was that he never hurt her physically, when they'd made love, he'd always wanted to be gentle with her, "What did I do?"

"It only happened once. It was no big deal, Doug. You were drunk, you didn't know what you were doing."

"What did I do? How did it happen?"

"It doesn't matter, it's in the past. Just forget about it."

"No, I want to know. What happened?" he repeated.

"You came over really drunk, we got into a fight," she wanted to leave it at that but his imploring look told her he wouldn't be satisfied until he got the details. She sighed, giving in, "It was pretty late, I was asleep. You woke me up and I let you in. I don't think I'd ever seen you so plastered. You started hitting on me and the next thing I knew we were making out like teenagers on the couch in the living room," Carol looked up at him, "I stopped it . . . I don't know why, it was like I froze, I guess it all just reminded me a little too much of my past.  You were too out of it, didn't understand. There was a lot of yelling and screaming, I made a few comments that cut a bit too close to home and you slammed me up against the wall and punched me, end of story," off his look she said, "Don't look so worried, I've forgiven you, Doug, you were drunk. You didn't know what you were doing."

She was so calm about it all, it was as if she was telling him about what she had for lunch yesterday. He stared at her, unbelieving, "How can you just dismiss it like that?"

"Because I know that you didn't mean to hurt me. I know that you would never hurt me in that way on purpose..."

"That's all very good and well, Carol, but it doesn't change what I did. This is serious. It doesn't matter what my intentions were," he started yelling, "The point is that you got hurt because I wanted a good screw, isn't that right?"

"Doug, would you please calm down," she sat up, "Stop shouting. It's in the past. It's over..."

"What about the other guy then? Did you forgive him just as easily? Is that why you let him stay?"

"That was different."

"I may not have gone as far as he did but it's in the same ball park. You can't hide something like that behind good intentions! It just doesn't work that way."

"Okay, that's one way of putting it. But it WAS different with you. And if you come back over here and listen to my side of the story, maybe you'll be able to see why," she reached her hand out to him and when he took it, she pulled him towards her. She wanted him to get back into bed but he resisted her efforts, opting instead to sit perched on its edge, facing away from her. Carol sat up and moved to sit behind him, wrapping herself around his back.

"I wanted you. I loved you, Doug, and that night I knew that you needed me, you needed my body. It was partly my own fault, maybe I shouldn't have stopped you, maybe I should have let you have me..."

"No, are you crazy? Love doesn't work that way, Carol. You should never have to do something you don't want to do. No it's not. It's exactly the same. When someone forces themselves on you like that, they're not making love to you. They're fucking you, Carol, and using you, and hurting you. I was the one in the wrong, I can't believe I hit you. I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never hurt a woman like that. God Carol, you weren't supposed to get hurt... You should never have placed so much trust in me..."

"Yeah, well, it was my own fault. Everyone warned me about you, people at the hospital, my mother..."

He stared at the floor, "They were right."

"No, they didn't know the real you. They didn't know what was hidden underneath that hard shell of yours," she comfortingly rubbed his bare chest with the palms of her hands, "but I found out, you let me in."

"You know, I think that's one of the main reasons why I kept coming back to you."

"What do you mean?"

"You've always known more about me than anyone I've ever been with. But at the same time, I knew hardly anything about you. I usually liked it that way, it meant no hassle, no commitment, but you intrigued me. I wanted to know more. I always thought that every time I saw you I came away with a little bit more knowledge about what made you so great. But I didn't realise until fairly recently that you only ever gave me a one dimensional view."

"What do you mean?"

"All this stuff, about your father, about your childhood, your past. I never knew any of that."

"Nobody did."

"I didn't even try to find out though, I didn't look for anything, I don't think I wanted to know. I was happy the way things were. I liked telling you about me, I knew I could trust you. I guess I didn't want to know, I mean I think I knew that there was more just from what I'd heard from your mom, but I never asked."

"It wasn't just you, you know. I wasn't exactly about to tell you all that. I didn't trust you that much. I risked my body with you, and after my last boyfriend, that alone was a very big step for me at the time. I wasn't about to trust you with my whole life story," she kissed his shoulder and smiled to herself, "Christ, you would have run for your life if I'd done that!"

Doug chuckled to himself, "Probably. I was pretty self-absorbed back then," he remained silent for a moment, contemplating all that had been said, "Why did you stay with me for so long? I was horrible to you."

"I was in love, I didn't know any better."

"And now?" he turned around to face her.

She smiled a small smile, "I've learnt from my mistakes. And so have you. I think we both know what our limits are now, we know what's right and what's wrong..."

Doug hung his head, "Even if you can't see how wrongly I abused you, how wrongly Steve abused you..."

Carol sighed heavily and spoke slowly, "You can't compare yourself to him," she sighed again, "I wouldn't let it happen again, but I know that at the time, especially with Steve, I didn't know how to prevent it. I didn't know that it should have been prevented. He had this power over me that I just can't explain. I didn't love him, but I needed his assurance, and I needed his approval. When I didn't get it from him, it just made me try harder. I did everything I could to please him..."

"Including sex on demand?" asked Doug, his voice bitter.

"Listen, I know that it sounds awful but it's not like he held a gun to my head or anything."

Doug nodded sadly and turned around to hold her, placing small kisses at her hairline as he spoke, "You deserve better than that..."

"I know. And I've got that with you."

He hugged her tighter once before standing up again.

Carol looked up, confused as he stared pulling on his clothes, "Where are you going?"

"I need to get out for a while," he said distractedly as he hurriedly pulled on his shoes and socks.

Her eyes filled with tears as memories of the past suddenly overcame her, memories of him leaving when it got too much, when the emotions got too much to bear.

When he noticed her silence, he looked up. On seeing the hurt on her face, he gathered her into his arms in an attempt to both explain himself and to soothe her, "I love you so much, Carol. I don't ever want to hurt you. I know I did once, more than I had ever realised, until now. I just need to go and have a think about that, let it sink in."

She cried softly into his neck, "Okay."

He stood up slowly and headed towards the door, "I'll see you at work, alright."

Carol nodded, "I'll be there."

"And I'll be waiting for you. I promise," he blew her a kiss and then disappeared behind the frame of her bedroom door.

CAROL HATHAWAY'S HOUSE, 9:03am:

"Doug knows."

"Knows what?"

Carol looked her right in the eyes, "About that night . . . when he was drunk..."

"Oh," said Susan in understanding, "So you finally told him?"

"I didn't mean to, it just slipped out. You know how sometimes something will get in your head and it's like you need to say it but at the same time you're screaming, 'Don't say it, don't say it' and telling yourself to just keep your mouth shut?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's what it was like. Only I said it. But now I wish I hadn't said anything," she put her head in her hands.

"He's taking it bad?"

Carol nodded mutely.

"I'm glad."

She looked up accusingly, "Of what, that he's feeling bad or that I told him?" Carol's voice rose a little as she spoke.

"A little bit of both, I suppose. You should have told him when it happened. He's probably walked around his whole life thinking he never hurt anyone, but he hurt you, Carol, and he should have been told sooner. I know you have no qualms about this, but I can't forgive him for it."

"Would you lay off a bit? He's trying really hard right now..."

"I know he is, Carol and I know how much he means to you. He is such a great guy and a great friend and I love him like crazy for it, but I just can't forgive and forget as easily as you can."

"It's not like he did it on purpose or anything, I know he wouldn't do that..."

"Maybe you can just repudiate it like that, but I can't. After all, you've done it before..."

"Exactly what are you implying?" snapped Carol defensively.

"I'm not implying anything. I'm stating the facts as I know them."

"You don't know the facts, Susan, so why don't you just stay the hell out of it?!"

"I know enough. I know what happened that night."

Carol turned away, ashamed as the memories flooded back to her.

-- FLASHBACK --

~ SUSAN LEWIS' APARTMENT, 3:17am.

Susan hurriedly tied her dressing gown as she made her way to the front door of her apartment.

"Who is it?" she called out.

"It's me, Carol."

"What are you doing here?" she opened the door and then locked it again after ushering Carol inside.

Susan looked at her friend in shock, "What happened, Carol?" a purpley-yellow bruise covered a large portion of her left cheek.

"Nothing happened, okay, I just need you to have a look, make sure nothing's broken."

"Where's Doug?"

"He left my place about an hour ago."

"Why'd you take so long getting here?"

"I wasn't sure if I should come and I had to take it slowly, this hurts a bit. I stopped a few times on the way. I'm so sorry for just coming over like this in the middle of the night but I need your help," Carol carefully walked over to the couch, holding a hand across her rib cage.

Susan followed her movements curiously, "Did you guys have a fight?"

"Yeah, sort of, but it's under control, that's not why I came here. Right now I need your help as a doctor, not as a friend."

"You're hurt," it was a statement, not a question.

Carol nodded, "It isn't that bad, I just thought I should get it looked at to be on the safe side."

"Okay, sure. Do you want to sit down?"

"Yeah, thanks. Where's best for you?"

"Stay where you are, I'll just get the first aid kit," Susan watched for a moment as Carol awkwardly seated herself before going to get the kit from the bathroom cabinet, "Where does it hurt?" she called.

Carol cleared her throat and then replied quietly, "Well, my face, but then I guess that's pretty obvious."

"You've got a pretty good bruise going there," Susan made her way back towards her, "Anywhere else?"

"My ribs, and my back," she took off her t-shirt, revealing the full extent of her injuries.

Susan was shocked at what she found, "You're pretty banged up. What'd he do, throw you against a wall?"

Carol didn't say anything, but Susan knew she was right by the look in her eyes. "Doug doesn't know how bad it is, does he? If he knew he'd have taken you to the hospital."

"He's drunk out of his mind, he doesn't need to know."

"How did it happen?"

Carol smirked at her, "How do you think? You know what he's like when he's drunk, he can get a bit out of control."

"I've never seen him so drunk that he'd do something like this. He's caused some pretty bad damage here, Carol. I think he should be told about what he's done to you, he needs to know so that it won't happen again. He won't know unless you tell him."

"Please don't lecture me. I told you already, right now I need you as a doctor, not as my friend."

"So you're just gonna let him get away with this?"

"Susan..."

"For Christ's sake, you should be at the hospital."

Carol sighed, "How does it look?"

"Well, nothing's broken. There's a bit of bruising on your back and ribs, you'll probably have trouble walking the next couple of days. You're in no shape to work tomorrow."

"I know, I already called in sick."

"You're awfully calm about this."

"So? It's no big deal."

"Yes it is. You've been physically abused, Carol. That is a very big deal," Susan dabbed some cream on her cheek with a cotton bud.

She drew in her breath sharply.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, it just stings, that's all."

"All done, you can get dressed now," Carol nodded and stood up slowly to put her shirt back on. "I know you already know this, but if you want to give this a good chance to heal you should take it easy for the next couple of weeks, no heavy lifting, no running or strenuous exercise . . . no sex..." she snapped off the latex gloves and threw them in the waste bin.

"Yeah, I got it. I'll try."

"What?" Susan exclaimed, hardly believing what she was hearing, especially considering who she was hearing it from, "You'll try?"

Carol looked up, "Yes, I'll try. There are never any guarantees about these things."

"No. That's not how this works and you know it, you're a nurse for crying out loud! You will, or it'll hurt like hell."

"I can handle it," Carol made her way back towards the front door.

"Wait a second," said Susan, placing the pieces together in her head, "This has happened before, hasn't it?"

Carol turned away, unwilling to discuss it, "Thanks for your help, Susan, I'll see you later."

"No, wait, what your mother said about that guy...he beat you, didn't he?

"I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm going home."

Her voice softened, "Don't go. Stay the night here, you're in no condition to drive..."

"No, I.."

"No more questions, I promise," she put a hand on her arm, "I won't say a word about this if you don't want me to. It's your decision, I don't have the right to intrude like that."

She smiled slightly, "Alright, I'll stay. Thank you."

"That's what friends are for, aren't they?"

-- END OF FLASHBACK --

Susan poured herself another cup of tea and motioned for Carol to join her, "I learnt so much about you that night. You're so strong, Carol. I admire that about you. But you can't keep it all inside forever, it'll just keep eating away at you. You need to tell people, especially those involved."

Carol smiled at her, "Maybe," she gathered up all of her courage and then let out the scary words she'd wanted to tell Susan that night, but hadn't in fear and shame, "About that guy . . . I never told you, he didn't just hit me," Carol looked up with tears in her eyes.

"Then what? Did he...? Oh my God, Carol. I am so sorry."

"It's okay. I've always been okay with it, but this morning I told Doug and I don't think I've ever really allowed myself to accept how bad it was until he pointed it out. For a long time there I thought that it was normal, acceptable..."

"I don't understand how you can turn a blind eye to these things so easily, I mean in your job..."

"I know, I know. But it's different when it's you."

Susan nodded, "I'm sorry for being so judgemental, but you know what I'm like where you're concerned."

They both laughed, "Yeah, you do have a habit of going a bit overboard with Doug sometimes," said Carol.

"Someone needs to be hard on him. You aren't!"

"I think the last three years have made up for me going easy on him back then."

They both smiled, "Maybe," said Susan, "But I'm still glad he knows."

** ~ When the day is long and the night ~ **

~ COUNTY GENERAL

When Carol came into work later that day, she spoke briefly with Doug about her confession earlier. She told him to forget about it. If only it was that easy. She'd had a bad day, he could tell. Keeping mostly to the one patient, allowing herself to become personally involved...it had opened something up inside of her. Doug didn't want to leave without knowing she was okay, so he'd taken a nap in one of the exam rooms. He was woken by the sudden brightness of the light and sat up, quickly.

It was Maggie Doyle, "Oh sorry."

He rubbed his eyes, "It's okay. What time is it?"

"Ten to two. Are you on call?"

"I'm waiting for Carol," his voice was rough from sleep.

"She should be ready. They called it a half hour ago."

"Thanks."

Doug made his way to the trauma room where he found Carol cleaning up. The body of Paul Canterna was wrapped tightly, waiting on a gurney to be moved to the morgue. She worked around him, making sure everything was accounted for.

"Hey," he said quietly.

She looked up at him, "Hey. I'll just be another minute," she jotted a few more details on to the chart she was holding.

Doug pulled up a stool and sat down to wait, "It's alright. Take your time."

Carol cleared her throat in an attempt to swallow her emotions.

He observed her for a moment, it was obvious that this one had left a mark on her, "Tough one, huh?"

Head down, she nodded.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?" she didn't look okay.

"He kept asking for his daughter," she stopped what she was doing to look up at him, "I never thought of it like that, you know? Maybe he wanted to see me, and I never came."

"Your dad was probably in a coma, Carol."

"I don't know, I've been living my mother's version of it for so long that I don't know what memories of him are mine."

"What was her version?"

"Everything was alright. It was an accident."

Doug sighed sadly.

"He was depressed, Doug."

"Well, maybe it's time you talk to your mom about it."

Carol nodded, "After he was gone, my mom used to go on and on about how you can never depend on men."

Doug chuckled, knowing only too well how true that was, in more ways than one.

She looked straight at him, seemingly into his soul, "Now, she's head over heels and I'm the one holding back. How messed up is that?"

He cleared his throat and smiled, "Keeps me on my toes."

"I say I want time but the truth is..." she walked over to stand in front of him and he rose to meet her, placing his hands comfortingly on her arms, stroking gently, "I'm scared to death of losing you."

He leaned his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, "Don't be," he kissed her forehead lightly.

"I'm so sorry, Doug. For putting you through all of this, for being so hard on you."

"Don't be."

"I love you," she whispered.

He whispered back, "I love you too," and kissed her softly, once on the nose and once on her forehead before wrapping his arms tightly around her.

** ~ Everybody hurts . . . everybody cries ~ **

~ CAROL HATHAWAY'S HOUSE:

The first thing Carol did when they got in the front door later that night was to go up to the bedroom and retrieve her father's letter from its hiding place in the bottom drawer. Doug left her alone to read it and went into the kitchen to make them both some dinner. He was just putting the dressing on the salad when he felt two hands snake their way around his waist. Turning to embrace her, he wiped the tears that rested at the corners of her eyes.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, "It didn't say much...just, you know, goodbye," she buried her face into the crook of his neck and let him comfort her. The soothing words whispered in her ear, the gentle caress of his touch as he drew small, reassuring circles on her back and shoulders served to calm and relax her, "I still don't know how...I just...I feel like it's unresolved or something. I don't know why I need to know that, I mean what difference does it make?"

"It makes the world of difference, you know that. When we tell people that their mother is dead or their child is dead, the one good thing we can say is that 'they didn't go through any pain,' we like to be able to tell them that their loved one didn't suffer. And that's what you want to hear. But I think you should prepare yourself in case that's not what you're going to be told."

"You think I should go see my mom?"

Doug pulled her closer to him and kissed the top of her head lightly, "I know she wants to see you. She wants to apologise, give her that chance."

** ~ If you feel like letting go... ~ **

COUNTY GENERAL, 7:48am.

The first thing Doug did when he walked into the hospital the next morning was to go up to Mark at the admit desk and ask, "Where's Carol?"

Mark had seen his friend approaching, but hadn't expected to be greeted quite as dismissively as he had been, "Hi Doug. Nice to see you too.  I'm well thanks, it's been a busy shift, but I managed to survive. How are you?" he jibed.

Doug didn't say anything, just looked at Mark with a mixture of frustration and anxiety.

'Okay,' Mark said inwardly, and then nodded to his right, "She's in the lounge getting ready to go home..." Doug was gone again and Mark was left talking to himself, "What's going on? I suddenly feel out of the loop."

"You're always out of the loop," said Susan from behind him, startling him.

He turned to face her, "Thanks, that's just what I needed to hear."

She grinned at him, "So, why do you feel left out this time?" Susan put her patient files in the outbox and looked up at him again.

"Doug and Carol." The mention of their names together provided explanation enough. Mark's involvement in their situation had diminished considerably since they'd gotten back together and started talking to each other again.

"Oh, don't worry. Everything's under control."

"What's going on? Doug seems all wired up about something."

"Carol's going to see her mom today, to talk about her dad and everything that happened. She's pretty nervous about it."

Mark nodded in understanding, "He's worried about how she'll take it."

"She'll be fine. How bad can it be?"

Mark shrugged, "I guess. Oh well, I suppose it isn't really our concern..."

"That's right. Stop putting your nose where it doesn't belong," he smiled at her, "Are you off now?"

"Yeah, in about fifteen. You're on all day, aren't you?"

"Yep. Come talk to me while I get ready," she took his hand and led him to the lounge. They opened the door to find Doug and Carol hugging each other fiercely, and quietly slipped out again.

When Doug had walked in earlier, Carol had been just standing there, staring blankly into her opened locker. He'd walked over to her and put his arms comfortingly around her waist from behind. She had turned easily in his arms to hug him back, showing her fears to him not through the inadequacy of words, but through the tightness of her grip on his shoulders and the apprehension in her eyes. He stroked her hair and whispered comforting words in her ear. When Mark and Susan walked in on them, they didn't even notice.

"It's going to be okay, Carol."

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"Of course you are. You are so strong and so brave..."

"Then why am I so scared?"

"Because you're about to find out about something that you never wanted to know, or even admit. And it's okay to be scared of that..."

She pulled back from him and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her jacket, "Maybe I should just ring Ma and tell her I'm not coming..."

Doug shook his head at her, "We've been through this. You need to do this. Not only for yourself, but for your mother too," he held her chin and looked her in the eye, "Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong," she said drolly.

He smiled and hugged her again, "But you know I'm always right," one quick kiss and he released her, "Go. Get this over with."

"Okay. Thanks Doug," she pat him on the chest and then turned to close her locker.

He helped her on with her scarf and gloves, not that she needed much help, but he liked to do it anyway, "Do you want me to come round to your place after my shift?"

"I don't know how long I'll be..."

"I can wait."

"No, you go back to your apartment, it's been awhile since you've been there."

He pulled her hair out from where it'd gotten wrapped up in her scarf and pulled her hat over her head to cover her ears, "Alright. Just..."

"I know. I'll call you if I need you."

They smiled at each other and leaned in for one last kiss before she left.

** ~ When you're sure you've had enough of this life... ~ **

HELEN HATHAWAY'S APARTMENT, 11:30am.

Carol and Helen were sitting on the couch in her living room, sipping tea when Helen started the story that Carol had come to hear.

"You will probably remember some of what I am going to tell you, but it has been a while since you've heard it."

"Okay."

"Well now, as you know, your father's parents were American. Your grandfather was a journalist and so he had to travel around a lot for the job. Your grandmother, going against the tradition of the time, went with him. They were in Russia when they discovered that she was pregnant with their first child. As an American, one would not want to bring up a child in Stalinist Russia and so he begged to be transferred out of there. It was a long process but after many months of correspondence back and forth their request was granted. However, times were hard, the Great Depression had made funds short and their destination wasn't much better. They had hoped to get out of Eastern Europe all together but they were not that lucky.

The baby was born in the Ukraine, where they remained until 1957 when  they returned to the United States for the first time in over twenty years. The two older boys went with them but your father stayed, he was still quite young at the time, only seventeen, but he had gotten himself a good job working as a carpenter.

I met him one day at the workshop, I'd gone with my father to collect some furniture he had made for us, we were both nineteen. After a long courtship and a significant struggle to gain my parents' consent we were  married in 1960. I gave birth to both of your sister's there but conditions became harsh and I wanted more for my children," she paused for a moment in remembrance.

~When your day is night alone...~

"So we packed up and followed your father's family to America. That was the beginning of the end. It was only supposed to be a temporary move, until the war was over, but then you were born and we became settled. I got a job to support us, it was factory work, but it brought the money in. I was happy here, I didn't want to return home. But even though your father never said so, I know that he did. He longed to go back. Despite the fact that he was a very skilled carpenter, and could quite easily have found work here, he didn't try, opting instead to do the mother's job of staying at home to raise you girls. Of course, we had his family for support, but he felt very alienated. He had no friends, no world outside of the house. He tried to help out at your school, do you remember?"

Carol shook her head, "No."

"He came in a couple of days a week to help out in the library. I thought it was wonderful, he'd meet other parents and have something else to do. But not everything works out. All of the other parents who helped were mothers, and after they'd finish, they would all get together for afternoon tea. As the only male in the group, your father was never invited. So he stopped going. His world became increasingly smaller until he hardly ever left the house, only venturing out to walk you to and from school. He had a nervous breakdown, which we were helpless to prevent."

"I never knew he was so unhappy here."

~If you feel like letting go...~

Helen smiled, "That's part of the reason why he loved you so much. Your sister's were old enough to realise what was going on, and they gradually withdrew from him, afraid. But you were too young. You would always go to him to tell about your day, and he continued to read to you every night, just like he always had. The rest of us didn't know how to deal with the problem, so we ignored it, and him to a certain degree. You were so innocent, he loved you all the more for not treating him any differently. But the fact remains that he was not a happy man. He wanted to go back to his birthplace, but his wife held him back. So he left in his own way."

~When you think you've had too much of this life...~

The realisation of her mother's words dawned on Carol, "He killed himself."

She nodded and took her daughter's hand in hers, "But it wasn't because he didn't love you, or anything like that. He loved you more than anything, or anyone in this world. He knew you wouldn't understand, that you'd take the news hard, I think that is why he wrote you the letter. The only problem was that you didn't get it when you should have, I packed up his things without going through them, not long after his death, so the letter remained untouched for twenty years. And you fell apart."

Carol bowed her head, sadly.

"I tried to help you, Carol, but you distanced yourself from everyone, I didn't know how to get through to you."

Carol looked up to see her mother crying, "I'm sorry Ma. It isn't your fault. I just didn't see the point anymore after he was gone. He meant so much to me and..."

"I know what you're thinking, that you didn't mean as much to him? Am I right?"

Carol looked up, teary-eyed, "Yeah. That's what I thought."

"That's what I thought as well, for a long time. But the truth of it is that he loved us more than we loved him. He stayed in this country only because we wanted to. And he left the way he did because...well, when you think about it, suicide is the nicest way - he could have divorced me, and left you all...The fact that his death was a suicide shows his passion..."

"No Ma. All it does is show that he gave up on us," Carol stood and walked over to the window, the window to the outside world, where everything was normal and people didn't have problems like her's. 'How superficial,' she thought.

"He did not just give up. You of all people should know that!"

She spun around to face her mother, "And just what are you implying?"

"Nothing," her voice softened, "Only that you know what it's like to be that desperate, to feel so alone...did you just give up?"

"No! I don't know...I don't know anymore," she walked to the other side of the room and sat in the armchair facing her mother, "I didn't do it just because of Dad..."

"I know that. You don't have to explain to me, Carol. I know why you did it."

"Excuse me?" Carol was surprised at her mother's certainty.

"Men can be very hurtful sometimes, they all leave eventually."

"Ma, would you please stop! I didn't try to kill myself just because my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me..."

"I don't just mean Doug. The one before him as well, together they destroyed you..."

Carol stood up again, exasperated, "No! You just don't get it, do you? God! It wasn't just them! And it wasn't just that Dad died. Once he was gone everybody changed, you changed. I didn't get it. I felt like I was being smothered, everyone always asking me if I was alright, wondering why I wouldn't talk about it. But nobody understood. I didn't talk about it because there was nothing to say. I mean, Jesus, you might as well have just put up a sign in my room that said 'He's gone and he's never coming back', I think it would have been just as effective! I got so damn sick and tired of everyone walking around saying how much they missed him and how they wished he was here. But I missed him too you know," she was crying fiercely now, "I missed him more than anyone!" she gathered her thoughts for a moment and then pushed her feelings aside, burying them in the deep recesses of her mind. Wiping her eyes, she walked out to the foyer, "I have to go."

Helen hurried to keep up with her, "Please stay, you don't have to leave yet..."

"No, I need to go home."

Helen looked at her daughter, recognising the defence mechanisms falling back into place. Just as she'd started to open up."Okay. "I'm glad you came, Carol. I'm glad we had this talk."

She smiled slightly, although it was forced, "Me too, Ma, me too." Carol stood up and put on her coat, "I have to work early in the morning."

"Is Doug at your place?" asked Helen, concerned.

"No," Carol misinterpreted her and her defences came up again, "Why would he be? It's not like we're living together, you don't have to worry about that."

"I'm not criticising, on the contrary, I think you need him right now. Don't push him out with all of this..."

"What do you care? You hate Doug, why the sudden interest?"

"Oh, darling, no, don't ever think that. I admit that I had a big problem with him in the beginning," she smiled and reached a hand out to lovingly stroke her daughter's hair, "He hurt my baby girl," Carol smiled back with tears in her eyes, "I hated him once, but not anymore, I know he's changed, and anyone can see that he loves you so much, more than anything else in the world. I know that he will look after you. So go to him, let him, okay?"

Carol reached out to wrap her arms around her mother in a hug, "I might. I just need some time to think about all of this first."

"You don't need to think. You think too much, just go to him, let him care for you, that's what he wants to do, and you could really use someone like that right now. Go."

She kissed her on each cheek and then Carol put on her hat and scarf and walked out to the car. Once she was on the road, she didn't want to stop. She didn't want to go home, she needed to keep moving. And so she just drove.

** ~When the day is long and the night...~ **

Carol hated driving at night. Especially in the rain, which poured from a black and comfortless sky. Tonight, it seemed to suit her mood. The pelting of the hard, fast drops on her windshield seemed to echo the pelting throb of her thoughts. And the fog and haze surrounding the car provided the perfect metaphor for what could only be described as her own blindness.

~The night is yours alone...~

For years, she had allowed her own ignorance and stupidity to cast her into a whirl of oblivion in which she became so alone and so detached from anything and everyone who cared for her and loved her. But at the same time, she craved that closeness. There was no denying that. Her whole adult life had been spent searching for someone who could love her properly and who she could love back. Only she pushed them all away. They got too close, they suffocated her - all except Doug that is, but he had faults of his own. And now here she was, driving in the dark, in the pouring rain. At a time when her life should be gaining some meaning because she had learned the truth, she only found herself feeling more and more alone.

She was glad to have filled the gas tank that morning because by the time she was ready to stop, she found herself in the outskirts of the city. Looking around for signs of life, Carol pulled into an old pub. She was surprised at the crowd in there, despite the fact that it was well after midnight. But the people, the loud music and the flashing lights provided just the ilk of atmosphere she wanted, it was an environment in which anonymity was on her side. And so she sauntered up to the bar and ordered a drink.

** ~Sometimes everything is wrong.~ **

Carol downed three vodka lemon lime's in fifteen minutes and then, deciding that she needed something stronger, ordered a double shot of tequila, which was paid for by a young, good looking man whose eyes had followed her from the moment she'd walked in the door. Carol wordlessly allowed him to purchase her drink, as well as the two that followed it. Forty-five minutes later she was done, and, nodding a goodbye to her admirer, she lifted herself off the bar stool and began an unsteady hike out to the parking lot, her suitor hot on her heels. It was a lot quieter outside, although the thumping echoes of the music were still loud enough to warrant noise pollution.

"You want a ride home, sweetheart?"

Carol turned to the man and nodded indifferently, "Sure."

He wrapped an arm around her waist and led her to his car, where he leaned her between himself and the passenger side door while he fished in his pockets for his keys. He looked up at her and it occurred to him what an excellent stroke of good fortune he'd had when she'd walked in the door of that pub. His gaze drifted form the top of her head to the tips of her feet, pausing noticeably at her breasts. She was a stunner, there was no doubt about it, beautiful, good body, and drunk up to her eyelids. 'I bet she puts out good too,' he thought idly as he leaned in even closer and made a move to kiss her.

~Everybody hurts.~

Carol didn't stop him, after all she'd heard that day, she wanted release, and so she welcomed his lips, allowing him entrance into the depths of her mouth. But as his tongue ran across hers, she realised through the fog of her brain that it was not him she ached for. She needed something more than what this stranger could provide.

~Take comfort in your friends.~

"Doug," she breathed, and then gently pushed him away from her, "Ma was right, I should go to Doug."

~Everybody hurts.~

She started walking precariously away from him, back to the front of the pub and the queue of taxi cabs that customarily lined the curb. There was no way she could drive in her condition, she was well over the limit. Her friend caught up with her in no time and grabbed her hand, spinning her around to face him.

~Don't throw your hand.~

"Where are you going? I thought we could maybe go back to my place, have another drink."

~Don't throw your hand.~

She regarded him carefully, his speech was slurred, more so than her own and the outline of his cock was unmistakable through the jeans he wore. He was drunk and he was horny, she had to get outta there.

"I have to be somewhere else right now, but I'll tell you what, if you have a pen, I'll give you my phone number, you can call me tomorrow."

As predicted, he jumped at the opportunity, unclipping a pen from his shirt pocket and handing it to her. Carol quickly scribbled a phoney name and number up his arm and then the name of the pub on the back of her own hand so that she could remember where to come back for her car in the morning. Then she climbed into the rear of the nearest cab and headed back into the city.

** ~If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone.~ **

A little over an hour later, Doug opened his front door, catching Carol as she practically fell through it.

"Hey, I've been worried about you. Where've you been?"

"Shhh," Carol kicked the door shut with her foot and wrapped her arms around his neck, "I don't want to talk right now."

"Your mom called, are you okay? She said you seemed a bit shaken..."

"Not now, Doug," she drawled desperately, "I just want to be close to you."

He sighed heavily then nodded and kissed her lightly on the forehead. Carol pulled his face lower so that their lips touched and lingered there for a moment, smiling under him, before taking his bottom lip and softly biting on it. It was then that Doug was assaulted by the repugnant smell of alcohol.

"You're drunk."

"Mmmm," she slipped her tongue inside his mouth, kissing him hot and wet. One hand traced its way down his chest and stomach before sliding inside his boxer shorts, his penis springing up to meet her.

Doug carefully removed her hand and stepped away from her, "What's gotten into you?"

Carol stared into his eyes and pulled him back towards her, "I want you," she tugged off her jeans quickly and took his hand, placing it inside her panties. He didn't move, "Come on, Doug, touch me. I want your fingers inside me." Still no reaction, he just held her gaze, staring her down. She moved against his hand in frustration and he could feel how wet she was, how ready for him.

He withdrew his hand, being careful not to arouse her further, and grasped her arms tightly in an attempt to get through to her, "I don't want to do this."

She reached out, trying to touch his erection but he held her firmly.

"I don't want to have meaningless sex with you, Carol. Never again, okay?" he said sternly, his voice raising with every word.

"What does it matter? This was never an issue before!" she yelled back.

"Well it is now. I think you should just go to bed. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Fine. If that's what you really want," she turned from him and walked into the bedroom. Doug sighed in relief and followed her to get a pillow and blanket for himself. As he entered the room, the door to the ensuite slammed shut defiantly.

~When your day is night alone...~

Carol leaned back against the door, her emotions building inside of her, exhausting her. She slumped down, sliding to the floor. The old Doug would have been fine with the whole situation. If this had happened four years ago, they'd have done it by now and she'd be free to fall asleep. But no, the guy had to grow a conscience. She felt neglected. At a time when she needed comfort and reassurance, the one person she was desperate to receive it from was not willing to give it.

~If you feel like letting go...~

"Carol, please," he leant against the door, placing his ear against the cool timber, "Don't shut me out . . . I know you feel like you're not getting your way right now, but if I do what you want you'll hate me for it in the morning."

'He doesn't understand anything!' she thought. 'Why couldn't he just give her this? For once, it was her coming to him and not the other way around. And he wouldn't have her, wouldn't want her.'

~When you think you've had too much of this life.~

Doug could hear her sobbing through the door, "Carol? Are you okay?"

She couldn't think beyond her own pain, beyond her overwhelming need for it to be eased away.

"I don't want you to hate me, Carol," his words were desperate, almost pleading for her to understand his point of view. But she was drunk.  All she understood were the thoughts that were running through her mind at that moment.

~Well hang on.~

Moments later, a whirring sound could be heard from the other side of the door.

"What the hell are you doing, Carol?" he demanded.

"What does it sound like? I know where you keep all of your little 'toys', Doug!"

"Put that thing away!"

"Why don't you just piss off? Huh? I plan on getting off whether you do it or not, so just leave me to it!"

"That's it," Doug opened the door and stormed in to find her naked from the waist down, sitting up next to the sink, legs apart. One hand held the vibrator at her clit and the other had snaked its way underneath her shirt, inside her bra. Her head snapped up, she was shocked by his entry. Then a smile spread across her face and she repositioned the phallic shaped machine to push it inside of her. She knew this would get to him, he'd never used the vibrator with her. With countless other women, yes. But never with her. It cheapened the experience, he'd told her one night. He liked bringing her to the edge on his own, it made him feel like he'd achieved something. If he let her do this now, it would change things between them. So he snatched it out of her grasp, turned it off and threw it across the room, where it hit the wall with a resounding crack and fell, broken, to the tiled floor.

~Well everybody hurts sometimes...~

"Damn it, Carol! Why are you making this so hard? If this is all you wanted, why did you even come here?"

~Everybody cries.~

She didn't say anything, she didn't need to. The tears in her eyes and the expression on her face told him all he needed to know. She just wanted to be near him, because she needed the reassurance that only he could give her. She needed to know that someone loved her, unconditionally, and that he would never leave her. He took her face in his hands and with his thumbs, he wiped away her now spilling tears, "Why won't you talk to me?" he asked, his voice much softer, compassionate.

~When you feel like you're alone.~

Carol shrugged, "Because after all I've been through today, I don't feel like talking anymore. After I left Ma's, I just drove around and then I went to this bar and I drank a little," her voice was rising, becoming increasingly biting with every word, "Some guy in a suit kissed me and offered me a good screw. But then I thought, 'no, I don't want this, I want Doug.' So I came here," her voice changed again, turning into a whisper of disappointment, "And you turned me away."

~No, no, no, you are not alone.~

"No, Carol. I would never turn you away. I want to help you, I want to care for you. But I don't want to just screw you, Carol. That's not who I am anymore, and it's not who you are anymore either."

"But I need..."

"I know, I know. It's okay. I'll take care of you. I'll make you come. Do you want me to make you come?"

She nodded, overcome with tears again, "Please don't make me ask again..."

"It's alright. You have nothing to worry about. I'm here for you," he   wrapped her in his arms and even though she was crying into the side of his neck, her hips instinctively pushed closer to him. He sighed heavily as he held her there. She was drunk, and he had to take care of her. He hated the whole situation, not because he didn't want to help her, but because it reminded him too much of himself, of his dependence on her in this way, so many years before. But he also knew that he'd do anything for her, he wanted to make her happy. He wanted to care for her, and if this was what it took then he would do it. He pulled back from her slightly, creating space between their bodies. But she still clung to his neck, face buried in his shoulder. Keeping one hand comfortingly on her back, Doug moved his other hand to lightly stroke her inner thighs, before taking his thumb to her clitoris.

"How's that? Do you like that?" he whispered in her ear.

"Mmmm," she moaned, still crying slightly.

He moved both hands under her buttocks, lifting her up. Carrying her into the bedroom, he gently lay her down on the bed and placed a pillow under her hips for better access. Eager for his touch, she spread her legs as wide apart as she could.

"Lie still," he told her and put a hand on her hip, applying gentle pressure, holding her down. He reached his thumb back to its starting point, on her clit, and drew light circles there, making her squirm.

"Lie still," he repeated quietly.

She complied but it didn't last long. The wandering of his free hand, caressing gently her stomach, hips and thighs, never staying in one place for very long, combined with the increasing pressure of his thumb, drove her crazy and her hips lifted towards him, beckoning for more.  But he wouldn't give it. Not yet, anyway. He moved his hands away from her for a moment, making her cry out at the sudden lack of stimulation. He figured that it would take a while for her to come because the alcohol had slowed her response time, and so he wanted to take things slow, to stretch it out until she couldn't stand it anymore. What he didn't know though was that she'd been thinking about him the entire hour long cab trip and she was so ready for him that she felt she'd burst if he didn't speed things up soon. Doug undid the buttons on her shirt slowly, so slowly that she tried to help him herself until she found that she couldn't co-ordinate herself effectively enough to make the process any faster. Doug slipped his hands inside her bra, making no attempt to unfasten it. He skimmed the nipples with his fingers before pinching them, almost painfully, causing her to moan and pull his head to her aching body. He kissed his way across her collar bone and then back over the delicate skin that formed the tops of her breasts, dipping his tongue inside her bra on occasion to meet her outstretched peaks. He then tongued his way to her navel and spent a long minute exploring it until Carol pushed his head even lower.

"Please," she begged desperately.

He took her hands in his and looked up at her apologetically.

"Doug?" she didn't understand his hesitation.

He diverted his gaze back to his task, away from the needy look that covered her face, and started tracing her folds with a finger. She tried to push him down on her again but he resisted her efforts.

"Please Doug, I want your mouth on me. I want to feel your lips on my clit and your tongue licking me out," she begged, her breath now laboured and uneven.

"Not now, Carol. Not like this."

"But I want..."

"Carol, I would love to do that to you, I want to so much. But not now, not while you're like this," his index finger trekked towards her centre and circled the entrance, and her eyes closed in anticipation.

"I want your mouth..." she tried to keep up the argument.

"Not now. That's something too special. I want you to be able to remember..." He pushed two fingers inside her gently, transforming her comeback into a moan as she buried her face sideways into the pillow. He carefully slid in and out, measuring each stroke, prolonging her pleasure.

"You're so wet," he whispered, "feel how wet you are," he took her hand and placed it next to his, where his fingers continued their torturous beat. She spread her fingers so that he was pushing through them to enter her. She loved that, him making her wet from her own juices. When he next pulled out of her, she joined a finger of her own with his, and entwined, they made the plunge together, but this time, they didn't come out again. Carol started off a circular rhythm which he soon followed. He was transfixed. He had never seen her pleasure herself before. In all the time they'd dated, she'd always been too self-conscious, too afraid of showing what she needed. Doug suddenly became aware of the enormity of his own arousal. He had a hard-on that cried to be released. He felt an overwhelming urge to just take off his shorts and go for it, to plunge into her as far and as deep as he possibly could. But that would be taking advantage of her, so he restrained himself and focused on her again in an effort to divert his attention from his own selfish needs. He took his cues from the incoherent sounds that escaped her mouth, as well as the increasing pace of her solitary finger as it moved with his.

She was close now, he knew. Her hips had risen well above the pillow they had earlier rested on and her head thrashed restlessly from side to side, sending a cascade of hair into her face that she was too helpless to remove. Doug leaned up to brush it back for her and stilled her face in the process. Leaning down, he gently kissed her lips, just once, and then he moved his other hand down to assault her clitoris again.

Carol was in agony. Beautiful, beautiful agony, "This feels so good, Doug...I'm so close..."

"I know, I know," his strokes became slower and she pulled out, now without strength enough to continue, and his caresses became lighter. Her hips stilled for a moment and he pushed his fingers in as far as they could go and pulled them out again in one final, melodic stroke, bringing her to a shuddering climax as she moaned his name, the one syllable rumbling as it stretched from her lips. Doug withdrew from her carefully as a wave of aftershocks coursed through her body, leaving her twitching uncontrollably. Not long after they subsided, she fell asleep, exhausted and content that Doug would stay with her no matter what.  Doug covered her in the blankets, making sure she was comfortable and then retired to the bathroom for a cold shower. Refreshed, he crawled into bed beside her and wrapped his arms protectively around her now sleeping form.

** ~ So, hold on. ~ **

~ DOUG ROSS' APARTMENT, 10:56am.

Carol opened her eyes slowly, adjusting to the early morning brightness. She was lying on her side, facing Doug's side of the bed, the covers pulled up tightly around her. She reached across for him, eyes still not focused but found only empty space. Sitting up, she discovered a note on his pillow.

'Carol,' it read, 'I didn't want to leave you this morning, but they needed me at work. There's an aspirin and a glass of water on the table beside you. I called in sick for you, so don't worry about coming in today. Please give me a call when you wake up. Love always, Doug.'

Smiling at his concern for her, she turned to her right to find the tablets exactly where he'd said they'd be. Throwing her head back, she downed them with a gulp of water, the sharp action sending a piercing stab of pain across her forehead. Carol sat still for a moment, waiting for it to subside as the events of the previous night started to become clearer, everything that had happened, how she'd behaved. She moaned painfully as she reached for the phone and dialled the number for County.

"ER."

"Hey Jerry, is Doug around?"

"Yeah he's right here, just a sec," she could hear rustling as the phone was handed over and Jerry's voice again in the background, "It's Carol."

"Oh, thanks," that was Doug, "Hey," he said softly into the mouthpiece, "How're you feeling?"

"I've got a bit of a headache but other than that I'll be fine."

"I was worried about you."

"I know," she smiled, "You're letter was very sweet. But you don't have to worry, I'm okay."

"You weren't okay last night..." he started, concerned.

"I'm sorry about that...the way I acted..."

"There's nothing to be sorry about."

"That's easy for you to say," she was sorry about all of it, sorry and confused, and very embarrassed, "Let's talk about this later though, okay?"

"If you want to."

Carol nodded, unthinking and then tried to change the subject, "You didn't have to call in sick for me."

"You're in no condition to work..."

"I'm fine Doug..." she began defensively.

"You're hungover, Carol!" he snapped.

Her face went red with rage, "Jesus! How many people heard you say that?"

"He looked around him to see three faces quickly turn away, "Don't worry, you're reputation is still in tact, it was only Mark, Susan and Jerry."

"Jerry! The entire nursing staff will know by lunch time..."

"And what kind of impression would you have made if you'd come in? They'd have figured it out, Carol."

"No! I can't think...who cares anyway, you used to do it all the time."

"Yeah, and people hated me for it."

"Name one person."

"You."

A thick silence fell between them.

"I could never hate you, Doug," she whispered.

He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the turn in their conversation, "I better go. You take care alright? Rest."

She smiled, "Yes doctor," he started to hang up the phone but she yelled down the receiver, "Hey wait," the urgency in her voice brought it back to his ear quickly.

"What?"

"I...I love you. I just had to say it, I don't want you to forget that."

The tenderness of her words made his lips turn up at the corners into a soft smile, "I love you more. I'll see you tonight."

"Bye," she waited for the click at his end before putting the phone down, heaving herself out of bed and making her way towards the shower.

The warm water cleared her mind considerably as it coursed its way over her tired, aching body and her thoughts again turned to the events of the previous day. A tear slid down her cheek as she thought about her father. She missed him. There was no denying that. She slanted her face upwards, catching the spray on her face. Despite all of the apologies, all of the good-hearted cover-ups, Carol couldn't help but feel slightly resentful towards her mother. Not so much because of the way she had dealt with her father's death, but the way she'd dealt with men ever since. That's what really got to her. The way she dealt with Doug, she was obviously over it now, but she'd always blamed him for Carol's suicide attempt. That's where she was wrong. It wasn't Doug's fault, it all went back so much further than that. But thinking back on it now, she could see that Doug, while he wasn't at the root of her depression, he was certainly a catalyst, and he was probably the end of the road for her.

-----FLASHBACK-----

FIVE YEARS AGO:

~ADMIT DESK, 10AM:

"Hey Carol are you alright?" asked Lydia, "You look a bit pale."

"I'm fine Lydia, but thanks for your concern." Carol lied, "I'm just   fine," she added, mainly to convince herself. How could she tell them that they were right? She felt ill just thinking about it. She shouldn't have come in today.

"Hey Carol," said Jerry, "I got the photos back from the party the other night, there are some great ones of you and Dr Ross."

"That's great Jerry." He started laying them out on the desk in front of her. Carol tried to avert her eyes so that she was looking at anything but the photos, "I'm really not that interested."

"C'mon Carol, just have a look, they're great pics!"

"Fine," she snapped, "If it'll make you happy I'll look at the damn pictures!" said Carol, slamming her palms onto the desk. She surprised herself. She usually had such a strong hold on her emotions, suddenly nothing was working, all battle stations had shut down. And all that was left was a withering mess. She turned her focus towards the photos before her. They showed her and Doug together dancing and kissing. She stared at them for a long moment before collapsing into a nearby chair. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Carol, what's the matter?" asked Haleh. Carol just sat there, shaking her head. "Put your head between your knees." She did as she was told. "Are you okay?"

"Not really. But I have to get through this, I'm going to get through this." The feelings were overwhelming. Her head was spinning and she felt like she was going to faint.

"Get through what? Carol what's wrong, tell us, maybe we can help," said Lydia.

"Hah," Carol gave a short laugh, "I don't think so. I don't think anyone can help." She stood up again in an effort to get some work done and to forget about the mess that had become her life. The door to the ER swung open and Carol looked up to see who had entered. What she saw made her face go even paler and the new arrival stopped in his tracks. The nurses around her hardly noticed any difference until the tension in the room became so thick that you could almost taste it and silence abounded.

"Carol," said Doug, finally. She didn't reply, turning away in disgust instead.

"Carol, please, listen to me, I can explain..."

"You make me sick," she spat. She didn't want to make a scene but she knew it was inevitable if she stayed where she was, where everyone could see her, so she ran for the bathroom. Lydia followed her, calling for someone to find Susan Lewis as she ran after her friend.

When Lydia walked in, Carol was standing over the sink, rinsing her face.

"Carol? What happened?" she asked.

"It's over," Carol said, forcing herself to swallow her tears.

Out in the ER, Susan Lewis entered the scene, "What's going on?"

"Don't ask us," said Jerry, "Trouble in paradise. Domestic dispute between the happy couple."

"Would you shut up, Jerry?" yelled Doug.

"Okay, maybe not so happy," he said under his breath.

"I'm going in there," said Doug.

"Why don't you let me go in first, see what's going on, assess the situation?" asked Susan.

"No, I need to talk to her. She's ignored me all night."

"Just give her a minute, Doug," Mark spoke up. Doug nodded his head in silent acceptance and Susan made her way in to see Carol.

"Hey," she said softly as she walked over to her friend.

"Hi."

"Are you okay?"

"Mmmm, I've been better."

"Doug wants to talk to you," said Susan.

"I know. He spent half the night yelling from my doorstep and the other half calling me until I took the phone off the hook."

"Talk to him, maybe you guys can work things out..." started Lydia.

"When Hell freezes over! I never want to talk to him again."

Back out in the ER, a crowd was gathering and Doug was starting to get impatient.

"Don't you people have anything better to do?" yelled Mark, "Doug, what's going on?"

"Carol's just a bit mad and maybe a tiny bit upset, but it's going to be okay. It has to be. God, Mark, what should I do? What can I say to her to make this all go away?"

"What did you do?"

"What makes you think that it was my fault?" Mark gave him a look that clearly said that he didn't need to explain. "Okay, fine. So I was stupid and I made a mistake. I'm going in there," he said and proceeded to march right on in to the ladies room.

"Carol, we need to talk about this."

"No, Doug. We don't. There's nothing to say. I think you clarified everything just perfectly last night."

"Dammit Carol! I'm sorry, alright? I am so sorry, and I will say that to you every day for the rest of my life if I have to just to prove to you how sorry I am." he said, moving towards her.

"You slept with another woman, Doug!"

The ER went silent as her words echoed down the hallways and reverberated in everyone's ears. The shock of her words surprised some, but many nodded as if this news was to be expected sooner or later. Susan and Lydia stood, one on either side of Carol, in silence as though her words and his actions had hurt them almost as much as they had hurt her.

"How do you think that makes me feel?" Tears were streaming down Carol's face, but she didn't care, "Was it the first time?"

"What?"

"No, seriously, was it? Or have I just been too blind to see that you've been cheating on me all along?"

"Of course it was the first time. It was the only time."

"Oh, it was the 'only' time. Did you guys hear that? He said it was the only time."

"You don't believe me?" he asked astonished.

"Truth isn't exactly your strong suit here, Doug. I wouldn't push it if I were you. Do you even realise what you've done here?"

He nodded, "I know that what I did was wrong and that it was bad. I know that because of it, I'm at risk of losing the most important person in my life..."

"If I am so important to you, then why did you do it? Huh? You don't treat people who are important to you the way you've treated me, Doug. You just don't. You're not just at risk of losing me. You already have."

A long silence overcame them until Doug spoke up quietly, "We had something really special," he said, tears springing to his eyes.

"Who was she?"

"Don't do this..."

"No, I think I have a right to know, you owe me at least that."

He tilted his head and sighed, "Fine. Her name's Natalie. I met her in a bar. I was very drunk..."

"That's no excuse."

"I know," he said, looking into her eyes.

"Don't look at me like that. I don't want you to look at me that way, I don't like it," she looked away from him. "She's very beautiful. Is she really blonde? I didn't get a close enough look. Big chest though..."

"What are you trying to do?"

"I don't know!" she yelled.

"I don't know what to say to you..."

"There's nothing you can say. The best thing you can do for me right now is to just fucking stay away from me."

"I can't, Carol, I need you. I can't live without you."

"Yeah? Well, I can't even look at you without thinking about that woman, naked, lying on top of you, on the bed that 'we' shared! So I guess that makes us even."

"Please, we can work this out."

Carol shook her head, "I think you should leave."

"This can't be it. This can't be the end, I don't want to lose you."

He walked closer towards her and cupped her cheek in his hand.

"I really think that you should go now."

Doug didn't say anything, but lent down to kiss her. Carol turned her face away from him in disgust. "Get out," she said, her voice quiet. He didn't move. "I said get the hell out!" she screamed, her voice dripping with anger and hurt.

He slowly turned away from her and walked towards the door. As he opened it, he looked at her again, before letting it close behind him. When Doug looked up, he came face to face with the angry faces of his co-workers. No one spoke, they just let him walk out.

Carol stared at the door for a long moment before the enormity of what had just happened hit her and the tears began to flow uncontrollably as she reached out blindly for something to hold on to. Lydia and Susan held an arm each and eased her to the floor.

"It's going to be okay," said Susan.

"I can't breathe," said Carol, choking on her tears.

"She's hyperventilating. Lydia, can you get some oxygen in here?"

"Sure, I'll be right back."

When Lydia returned and placed the O2 mask over her face, she began to calm down somewhat and breathe normally.

"I was so stupid," Carol said, pulling the mask away from her face. "Everybody warned me, but I didn't listen. I thought that maybe I was special and that he'd love me and that everything would be wonderful. I know that not everything was perfect between us, but I never thought that he would cheat on me. I can't believe he cheated on me. It was almost as if he planned for me to see them together. I just came home and.... and there they were..."

-----END OF FLASHBACK-----

She was so devastated by that, yet for some reason she'd gone back to him, she'd let him do it again, and again, and again, until she couldn't take it anymore. So she'd left him and got together with Tag only two weeks later, loneliness was not a friend of hers, but a new lover didn't help to heal old wounds. Somehow she came through, they both did. She had absolutely no idea how they'd found their way back to each other.  It could be said that he still is the end of her road, they're just on a different street.

** ~ Now it's time to sing along. ~ **

Doug was just adding the finishing remarks on a patient file when she came through the double doors of the ambulance bay. He put the file down on the admit desk to pay her his full attention. And she smiled at him.  A beautiful, radiant smile, the kind that only Carol Hathaway could give. He couldn't help but return the gesture. So rare, so pure. How different she seemed all of a sudden. Something had changed, he could feel it, and he had an impetuous desire to find out what it was.

"Come on," she said, "Let's go home. I have something for you."

** ~ You are not alone. ~ **

"So," he said, drying the last plate and putting it away, "You said you have something for me?"

That smile again, "Yes, I do. But the question is: do you deserve it?"

He slung the tea towel around her waist and used it as leverage to pull her close. Turning them so that she was pressed up against the fridge, he kissed her long and deep. Her arms found themselves around his neck as she felt his hands crawling up and down her sides. He pulled away slowly, mouth still so close to hers, so enticing, "Does that answer your question?" he asked.

"Follow me," she took his hand and led him up to the bedroom. "Close your eyes," she said, placing one hand over them before opening the door, "Okay. Open them."

He caught the aroma first, but the sight of them was even more amazing. Roses. The sheets on the bed had been pulled back and sprinkled with petals. They covered the floor as well and on almost every surface was a vase full of the magnificent flowers.

"What do you think?" she asked, excited.

"Everything looks beautiful, but you know what's missing?"

"What?"

He lifted her up and then flung them both onto the bed so that he was staring down at her, face surrounded by petals. He kissed her lips lightly in appreciation, "That's better. What's the occasion?"

"Well, I've come to a few realisations over the last few days..."

He kissed her forehead, a gesture not only of his love for her, but of his commitment to her, as a now permanent pillar of support.

"I've realised how important you are to me, how much I need you. I mean...well, I always knew I needed you, but it's been hard for me to admit it, even to myself..."

His fingers shook as he brushed the side of her face.

His eyes told her how uncertain he was. She knew without a doubt that he loved her but he was still unsure of her feelings for him, "I love you, Doug. And more than anything else, I want to be with you . . . I know I've been giving you the wrong impression about how I feel, I've been holding back too much. And I haven't done a very good job of proving how much I love you, even though you've proven it to me thousands of times every day since we got back together, and even before then. Tonight...I just wanted to make sure you knew. You've done so much for me these last few months, it's my turn to do something for you..."

"I don't deserve this . . . I don't deserve you. After what I put you through..."

"No, it's me who doesn't deserve you."

~ Don't let yourself go. ~

She pulled him down to her for a kiss. Their lips touched lightly, tentatively. Her heart was beating so loudly she was sure he could hear it. She felt so scared of how their relationship would turn out this time, that's part of what made it so exciting. His touch, his kiss, everything still felt so new to her, even though he's been there, hovering at the back of her mind for years now. But the memories can't compare to this. Nothing can compare to the magical sensation of him being there, so close.

Tongues ventured past lips. Contact. A spark ignited and they leant in, latching onto each other. Nothing was hurried, movements slow, soft, so full of love. Doug drew back to look at her. Her lips now swollen from his kisses, eyes heavy with need. So perfect. Lowering himself to her, he didn't resume his task at her mouth as she had expected, choosing instead to wrap his arms around her in a hug so fierce, yet so gentle, so strong, but still so weak that he brought tears to her eyes. Not tears of sadness, guilt, or despair, but of absolute happiness. The pure joy that came from knowing that he was in love with her, as she was with him. His embrace served as much as an explanation as an affirmation of his feelings for her. Feelings so strong that no words could convey them adequately. He held on for a moment and then pushed her hair back and bent down to nuzzle her neck. She leant her head to one side, moaning softly at the feel of his lips, so tender against her skin.

He could hardly believe this was happening, that he was here with her, kissing her, tasting her, smelling her, "God, you smell so good."

"It's the roses."

"No, it's you. I can't get enough..."

Hands tugged at the bottom of his t-shirt. She pulled it off him, hands everywhere before it hit the floor. So surprised at his reaction to her touch, at the muscles clenching as her fingers moved in easy caresses. His lips roamed further down her throat, tongue sliding across the little dip of flesh at the junction between her collar bones. Buttons.....He undid the top one and then gently tugged the shirt over her head, ignoring the rest. She sucked in a sharp breath of air as his hands slid up her stomach to meet the underside of her breasts.  Waiting, watching. Air released with a hiss. Hands moved to the sides and around to her back as he met her in another tender kiss. Chest to chest, a tingling sensation spread through them both. Two pairs of jeans fell to the floor, underwear landed somewhere in the vicinity. The kiss continued throughout. His hand, warm on her thigh. She covered it with her own and relocated it higher up. He ran it down again and pulled away from her.

"I want to get this right, okay? Real slow."

"Whatever you want," she breathed.

He rolled off her so that they were lying there, naked beside each other. Propped himself up on an elbow to look down at her and stroked up again with his hand, this time moving past her hip and up her arm. Caressed the inside of her elbow, watched the goosebumps spread. She felt as though her entire body was on fire, the intensity of the feelings between them creating an inferno, beyond either of their control. She planted a kiss on his chest.

"God, I love you, Doug..."

He smiled down at her, kissed each delicate eyelid: "I love you."

"I've never felt as loved as I do right now...except by my dad..."

"He must have loved you a whole lot..."

"I thought he did..." she looked up at him, and he knew what she meant.

"There's no doubt about it. Carol, you have to let it go..."

She nods in silent acceptance, fingers playing over his chest, "That's what I'm doing right now..."

He kisses her nose and then her mouth as one of her hands begins lightly flicking at his nipple. A frown creases its way across her brow.

"Your mom loves you too...": reassurance.

"Yeah, she just makes me so mad sometimes..." Carol was almost shocked at the control she had over her anger. For the first time in months, she felt calm.

"You know, I think I realised a long time ago that for your mom there's a sort of law of inverse proportionality operating. It's like, the closer you are to her, the more she loves you, the harder it is for her to ever acknowledge it. That's why she's so hard on you. She doesn't mean to be, she just wants what's best for you."

"I know that now." Carol cleared her throat, "Yesterday, when I was over there, she told me that she loves me, not directly, but in her own way. I can't even remember the last time she said the words... I guess that's where I get it from."

"None of that matters now anyway. Look at us, Carol. We're here, together, and I don't know about you, but I am so happy..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah...come 'ere," he took her in his arms and then flipped them over so that she was on top.

She bowed forward, melting into him. Bodies started moving in tandem. There it was again, his hand, up and down her leg...

She rolled them back over, enjoying the feeling of being underneath him, covered by him. Fingers on his back, scratching, rubbing, massaging... Soft palm over hardened nipples...pinching...pulling... Mouth lower... blowing...Oh, God...licking...

She moaned and moved her hands upwards to hold his head to her, encouraging him to suck them, which he did, relishing the act...her chest rose to meet him, head falling back. So relaxed...felt so nice...so nice...wait...he stopped.

She fell back down on the bed and looked up at him wonderingly.

"Remember the other night...when you came back to my place?"

"It's not exactly something I'll be forgetting anytime soon," she gasped.

"You wanted me to go down on you..."

She nodded.

"I wouldn't do it...I want to explain..."

"You don't have to..." she ran her hands over the muscles in his upper arms, loving the feel of them under her fingers...

"I want to go down on you now, Carol...I didn't want to do it then because I wanted it to be special, I want it to be something you'll remember...Carol, I know we've never really discussed the whole sex issue, we've never really needed to, but I'll never forget the first time I gave you oral sex...it was amazing...and ever since then, it's just been something really special to me...It's so personal...and it's a sign of trust...you have to trust me to let me get that close to you..."

"Stop talking, Doug...I do trust you now, I do..."

"Is that a yes?"

She laughs softly, "Don't make me beg..."

He grins up at her and then kisses each breast once before making a wet trail downwards, stopping only for a moment to playfully tickle her bellybutton.

Her thighs were tingling just from the feel of his hands, strong and gentle, holding her legs apart. He hovered over her, his breath whispering promises of what was to come as it hit her sensitised skin.

"You're teasing me..."

He laughed that throaty laugh she loved, "Big time..."

Tongue flicked out, surprised her. One long lick from bottom to top, resting on her clitoris. So soft, glistening.

His movements were slow and gentle as his tongue slipped this way and that....teeth grazed the area, making her groan in utter frustration. His lips felt feathery soft as he kissed her, making his way down to her opening. Tongue out again, swirling precariously, around and around. He finally dipped inside, only to pull out again, barely passing the entrance. The movement was repeated until she could stand it no more.

"Mmmm....Doug....more...."

He smiled at the pleading tone in her voice, she was so close to the edge now.

Hands moved under, lifting her closer. Mouth opened wider, covering all of her. Tongue descended slowly to plunge into her.

Drinking her in, he continued the action. Deep, langruous caresses assaulted her inside. His upper lip rolled sporadically over her clit, making her squirm uncontrollably. His tongue lashed out again, reaching further.

"Oh God....yeah...that's the spot....right there..."

He paid close attention to her words as all of his efforts tuned to that one spot. Legs squeezed tight around his head, pulling him closer. He could hardly breathe, made it more exciting. He sped up, thrashing inside her, upper lip pounding on her clit, mouth like a suction cap...

And there she was, convulsing underneath him, as one after another, a series of orgasms coursed through her body, leaving her blind and senseless...

"God....Doug..."

When she opened her eyes again, they were nose to nose and he kissed her cheeks as her breathing returned to normal.

She looked up at him, "I was supposed to be treating you tonight..."

"I enjoyed that just as much as you did, Carol."

She could feel him, hard, pressing into her thigh. She pulled his head down for a kiss as a hand reached blindly for his cock. Finding it, she stroked the bulging length until he grasped her hand, stopping her.

"No, no, no..."

"What?" she asked innocently, even though she knew what he meant.

He mumbled between kisses, "I....I want to come inside you....to feel you around me...I want to make you come again..."

Kiss deepened. He held her face in his hands.

"Okay," she sighed. Ran her fingers down his spine to rest on his butt, squeezing, pulling him down...

Doug positioned himself over her. Rubbed against her centre, moistening his shaft.

Cautiously pushed forward, plunged into her slick warmth.

He moaned aloud, loved the feeling of being inside her. Sought out a nipple hungrily, devoured it. She shifted her hips in response, encouraging him to pull out of her and back in again, setting up a steady rhythm that felt so, so incredibly nice, but at the same time presented a struggle for them both to maintain without losing control.

Doug sat up, pulled her with him. Legs wrapped around his waist as they clutched each other for support. So intimate like that, hardly moving, but as close together as they could get.

Lips met in another long, hot kiss. Hands moved gently over backs, arms, breasts.

Hips ground together. She pulled up for a moment, only to lower herself back down onto him...filled to the hilt...

So tight...so wet...so...

Nipples, hard again, pushed into his chest...clit rubbed against him...

Balls...massaged by her thighs as her hips swung in easy circles...

Teeth nipped at her neck...she moaned and rested her head on his shoulder...

"Doug?"

Beyond the power of speech...he mumbled incoherently in response.

"If I don't...come soon...I'm gonna...pass out..."

He knew how she felt...delirious...

Keeping things slow, they shoved harder into each other. Circles became smaller, replaced by simple side to side motions, accentuated by heavy grunts as they met in the middle.

Her hands clung to his shoulders as his gripped her back, both supporting and pulling her closer...

Hot breaths hit sweaty necks...

Felt him...pouring into her...hot...hard...

Her whole body shook as she clenched around him...leaned further onto him, pushing him backwards...falling...shuddering...crying out...

She landed on top of him, lying upside down on the bed. Both were breathing heavily.

"Are you okay?" he looked at her, concerned.

"You're going to have to stop asking me that," she smiled at him softly, "I'm great...that was great..." she panted.

"I don't just mean that..."

A dark cloud floated across her eyes but then disappeared, "I'm fine," she shrugged, "Everybody hurts."

~You are not alone.~

He grinned at her and pulled her down to him. And there they rested... together.

THE END.

I hope you liked it. A quick note - my use of short, incomplete sentences in the lovemaking scene is an attempt to show the actions and emotions shared by the characters as they experience them, and in the very simplified, limited way those actions and feelings are registered in that kind of environment, the emotionally charged realm of the lovemaking experience. I hope I was able to get that across.

Thanks for reading,
Nicole.
Podantic@hotmail.com