The First Crack

The show ER and all its characters and stories are owned by NBC, Warner Bros. and Constant-C. This story is pure fiction and was written for fun only. No profit has been nor will be made from it other than the pleasure I derived from writing it and hopefully you will from reading it.

This story contains explicit, consensual sex and some mild swearing which some might find offensive. As such, it is not appropriate for anyone under the age of 18. This story is not to be archived or reproduced without my permission.

I would like to thank my beta readers Teresa, Barbara, Tonya and Sandy for all their help and encouragement while writing this story. You guys were great!

Please send comments and constructive criticism to the following e-mail address: sierralea@yahoo.com

NOTE: This story was inspired by Elizabeth's story "For Only You".

THE FIRST CRACK

By Dallas


Sighing, Doug entered his apartment. It had been one hell of a day at work and he was glad it was finally over. He wanted nothing more than to hit the shower and then head on over to the Brass Rail for some liquid anesthesia to help him forget.

Flipping on the light he threw his mail on the coffee table. Quickly removing his coat he headed towards his bedroom shedding his clothes as he went. Grabbing a towel, he stepped into the shower and adjusted the water to as hot as he could stand it, allowing it to beat full force on him in an effort to wash away memories of the day. It didn't help.

He could still see the face of little Jimmy Moore. The kid had been only nine years old but would not see another day. Bracing his hands against the shower wall he let his head hang down as the memories of the day came crowding back in full force....

Doug was taking a break in the lounge after a fairly busy day of the usual: kids with the flu, kids with ear infections and even one little boy  who had fallen on the ice that morning and broken his arm.  He had been on since 7:00 that morning and he only had two hours left on his shift.

He was looking forward to getting off work. He was hoping he could talk Carol into letting him come over when she got off work even though it would be late. Because of their schedules he had not been able to see her outside of work for three days now and he *needed* to see her. He didn't think he would have too hard a time convincing her. He was pretty sure that she was missing him as much as he was missing her. He smiled as he thought about what a contradiction she had turned out to be - so controlled and reserved in public but so wildly passionate behind closed doors. Just thinking about it made him smile, shifting positions uncomfortably.

Just then the lounge doors popped open and Carol stuck her head in.  "Doug, the paramedics are coming in with a little boy who passed out at school during recess and stopped breathing. ETA 3 minutes."

Jumping up, he exited the lounge with her, wrapping his stethoscope around his neck.

"Did they say what happened? Did he fall down and hit his head or something?" Doug asked as they walked towards the ambulance bay.

"Nope, didn't say," replied Carol.

"Hey, what are you doing after you.." Doug was interrupted as the ambulance bay doors burst open and the paramedics thrust the gurney into the hospital.

"Ok, Angie, what you got for me?" Doug asked.

Rushing down the hallway the paramedics called out the patient's vital signs and what little information they knew about the cause of his condition. Arriving in Trauma One they quickly transferred him from the gurney to the table and Doug, Mark, Carol and Chuny quickly began their assessment. The following few minutes were hectic as they worked to stabilize the little boy. Doug intubated him to help him breathe and began to check over his heart and lungs.

"Doug?" came Carol's quiet voice.

He looked up. She had been cutting the little boy's pants off and she pointed to his legs. Doug took a step towards her and he saw what she had seen. Dark bruises, welts and old scars covered his legs from the tops of his thighs to just below the knees. Doug drew in his breath sharply.

"Damn! I was afraid it was something like this!" exclaimed Doug.

Mark looked up from where he was working on the other side of the table. "You mean like this?" He peeled back the sleeves of Jimmy's shirt. Dark bruising and cuts covered his upper arms also.

"Let's roll him and see what his back looks like," Doug said.  Carefully they all rolled him only to see that his back from his neck down was covered with various assorted bruises, cuts and scars. Doug swore again under his breath.

"Order a complete set of x-rays - ribs, arms, legs, chest and spine.  We need to see if anything is broken. Leave the C-collar on until we get the films back. Chuny, call upstairs and book an MRI and order a CT scan. We need to check for intracranial injury and internal bleeding."

Turning back to the little boy Doug grimaced. <Oh buddy who got their hands on you?> he mused to himself.

"Carol, would you get his full name from the chart and start calling around to other hospitals in the area to see if he has been treated there in the past, please?"

"Sure, I'll get right on it," she replied as she turned to go. "Do you want me to call DCFS?"

"No, I'll do it. He's stable right now so I'll call them. Are his parents here yet?"

"Don't know," she replied.

Checking the monitors one more time and seeing that the little boy's vital signs were stable, Doug walked to the front desk to call DCFS and check if the parents had been located yet. Jerry had just told him that the mother was on the way in when Carol called him. Jimmy was awake. Telling Jerry to let him know the minute she got there but to not let her come back to Trauma One, Doug turned to go. Nodding his head in understanding, Jerry picked up the ringing phone.

Doug hurried back to the trauma room wanting to reassure Jimmy that everything was okay and that he was safe. When he entered the room, Carol was checking his monitors and Doug sat down beside the little boy.

"Hi, Jimmy, my name is Dr. Ross. Are you feeling okay?"

The little boy slowly shook his head yes but Doug could see the fear in his eyes. He glanced at Carol and then checked the monitors again himself.

"Tell you what, buddy, you look like you're breathing okay now so we are going to take this tube out of your mouth, OK?"

After easily extubating him with Carol's help and making sure that he was breathing fine on his own, Doug sat back down beside the little boy.

"So, Jimmy can you tell me what happened? Did you fall down and hit your head while playing at school?" Doug asked.

The little boy shook his head no but remained silent. Doug tried again. "Did you fall down at home last night?" Again the little boy shook his head no.

"You can tell me what happened. I won't be mad at you and maybe I can help you. Did someone hit you Jimmy?"

The little boy lay very still, his frightened eyes staring straight at Doug. After several seconds, he ever so slowly nodded his head yes.

"I want to help you and make sure this never happens again. Was it your mom?" Jimmy shook his head no. "Was it your dad?" He lay quietly without moving. "What happened?" asked Doug again. Jimmy lay very still and then shook his head slightly from side to side. Doug sat there for a bit and then patted Jimmy's hand and stood up.

"Okay," he said with a smile. "Your mom should be here in a few more minutes and then we are going to take you upstairs to do some tests.  You should be feeling better in no time at all."

Doug turned to say something to Carol when a small, quiet voice said, "He was hitting my mom."

Doug stiffened in surprise and glanced back down at Jimmy.

"Your dad was hitting your mom?" he asked softly.

The little boy nodded. "She was crying and I didn't want her to cry anymore," he said as tears gathered in his eyes.

"It's okay, Jimmy. Did your dad start hitting you too?" Doug asked sitting back down beside him. Jimmy shook his head yes.

"After I told Daddy to stop hitting Mom he started hitting me. Please don't tell him I told you. He will be so angry."

Doug took Jimmy's hand and gripped it firmly, but gently. "It's alright Jimmy. I won't tell your dad that you told me. I am going to help you and your mom so that you never have to get hit again, OK?"  Jimmy nodded and Doug continued. "That was a very brave thing you did to protect your mom like that. You are a very brave little boy. I want you to close your eyes and rest. When your mom gets here I'll bring her in to see you. I promise you that you are safe now."

Jimmy nodded again and slowly closed his eyes.

Carol, who had been listening sadly to an all-too-familiar tale as she wrote in Jimmy's chart, glanced over at Doug when he continued to sit there very still. He was gazing at the little boy with a strange, troubled expression on his face. "Doug?"

He didn't respond or even glance up at her. She thought she saw tears in his eyes and she reached out a hand and touched him lightly on the shoulder. "Doug? Hey, are you okay?"

Ducking his head down for a moment, Doug glanced back up at Carol.  All traces of the tears were gone and his face was calm but distant.  "Yeah," he replied. "They just get to you, you know." Giving her a small smile that didn't reach his eyes, he stood up and went to the door. "Let me know if there is any change in his condition, OK?" he asked as he left the room. Nodding, Carol watched him go wondering what exactly that had been about.

Doug left the trauma room and checked with Jerry again to see if Jimmy's mother had arrived. After getting a negative response, Doug headed for the lounge looking for some much needed privacy. Pushing open the door he was glad to see that it was empty. He poured himself a cup of coffee and stood staring out the window, lost in bleak memories from his own childhood that had been triggered by Jimmy's words.

<He's just like me> Doug thought. <I know exactly how he felt ....how frightened he is.....I didn't want Mom to get hit either ....better me than her....no....better not think about those days....they are over now...in the past....he can't hurt us anymore.>

Just then Doug heard his name over the intercom. "Dr. Ross to Trauma One stat! Dr. Ross to Trauma One stat!"

When Doug rushed back through the doors of Trauma One, Carol was doing chest compressions on Jimmy while the monitors beeped and blared loudly in the background and the other nurses swirled around in controlled chaos.

"What the hell happened?" Doug snapped as he quickly came to the table and began his assessment.

"One minute he was fine and then he just crashed. No heart beat and no pulse. We started chest compressions and gave epi. We were just getting ready to shock him," answered Carol as she continued to work on him.

As she was speaking, Chuny brought the crash cart up to the table.  Quickly Doug shocked Jimmy but no response was noticed. Doug and the nurses continued working to restart Jimmy's heart trying everything possible. Finally after 30 minutes, Carol glanced at Doug.

"We have to call it Doug," she said softly.

With sharp, angry movements, Doug tore off his gloves and protective gear. "Time of death, 5:53 p.m.," he said harshly before turning and walking rapidly out of the room without a backwards glance.

As Doug stalked down the hall, Jerry approached him from the front desk. "Dr. Ross, Ms. Moore is here. She's out in the chairs."

Doug stopped and his shoulders slumped. "Thanks, Jerry. Give me a minute and then point her out to me, would you?"

While turning off the monitors and detaching the lines from Jimmy's body, Carol watched Doug walk down the hall. She saw Jerry approach him and the short conversation that ensued. When Jerry turned to go back to the admit desk, Carol saw Doug lean against the wall with his head back and his eyes closed, shoulders slumping in defeat. Pulling off her gloves, she went to him.

Hearing her approach he opened his eyes and looked at her. Carol saw that Doug was struggling to control his fury and guilt, not only at life and the sick people in it but also at himself for not being able to save Jimmy. She glimpsed something else that she couldn't quite name before he closed his eyes again, turning his head slightly away from her. Touching him lightly on his arm she tried to reassure him.

"Doug, you did everything you could. You know you did. His injuries were just too severe internally and he wasn't treated soon enough.  Don't beat yourself up over this."

With a small sigh and a tired shake of his shoulders, he straightened up. "I know," he said quietly. "Thanks for reminding me, though. I gotta' go. Ms. Moore is here and I need to go talk to her." Reaching out, he gave her a quick, hard hug and then turned and started away.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Carol asked.

"No, but thanks for offering," he replied.

While talking to Ms. Moore, Doug had a strong sense of deja vu, wondering if this was what it had been like for his mother all those years ago...in strange emergency rooms, waiting while he was being treated...hoping and praying that he wasn't seriously hurt. After Ms. Moore left, he kept busy doing anything he could find so he didn't have time to think or remember. He could see Carol watching him, concerned and worried, and he started to panic. He could feel himself wanting to open up to her and tell her what was bothering him and it frightened him. He didn't want to lean on anyone. To need anyone.  To be vulnerable to anyone. He only wanted to forget that it had ever happened. The sooner the better...

The spray of icy water hit Doug in the face as he lifted his head, shocking him back to the present. He had been lost in his thoughts for so long that the hot water had run out. Quickly turning the water off he stepped out and began drying himself briskly. Within minutes he was dressed and ready to go out the door. He knew Carol didn't get off until 11:00 p.m. and he couldn't wait that long for a distraction. He had to get his mind off the haunting memories stirred up by Jimmy. He didn't want to remember, only forget. The Brass Rail was just the place to do that.

*************************

Carol glanced at the clock. 10:45 p.m. She only had 15 minutes to go and then she was off. She was worried about Doug. She had tried calling him at home on her break but all she had gotten was the answering machine. She had tried again on her dinner break and again had gotten the answering machine. She wondered where he was. She knew he had been hurting when he left. She knew that Doug accepted the fact that some of the kids he treated would die and did. Usually he would get quiet, wishing he could have done more, maybe save them all, but then he would shrug it off and move on. Today had been something more however. Jimmy had really touched him in some deep, dark place in his own soul. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen him as angry and withdrawn as he had been tonight.

She had tried to talk to him before he had left but he had brushed her off. He had said it was nothing, just a long day and not a good way to end it. She might have believed him if it hadn't been for the hurt she saw in his eyes. And the desperation. His face had been calm and he had been quiet but his eyes had told her something else. Carol had learned over the five months they had been together that his eyes were the true window to his feelings. He might say or do something else but if she really wanted to know how he was feeling his eyes would tell her. And tonight before he had left she had glimpsed hurt, anger, fear and a touch of desperation.

Glancing at the clock again Carol reached for the phone. Quickly dialing his number she waited while it rang. Again the machine picked up. She waited through the message thinking that perhaps he was asleep and hadn't had a chance to answer yet. But the beep sounded so she left a short message and hung up. <Damn!> she thought. <Where is he at?> She briefly thought about going by his apartment but decided not to. It was obvious that he was not home and she didn't have a key to get in. Sighing she turned and headed for the lounge to get ready to go home. She would just have to wait to see him until tomorrow.

*************************

"Hey, Pete," Doug called loudly. "Give me another one!"

Watching as Pete came towards him, Doug carefully set the empty shot glass back on the bar.

"Dr. Ross, it's 12:40. Isn't your girlfriend home by now?" Pete asked. He knew she was because Doug had told him what time she got home when he had been repeatedly rambling on about her and his day at work and just about everything else under the sun a couple of hours ago. Since then he had gotten quieter but had continued to down the whiskey non-stop. Wondering briefly if he should call him a cab, Pete stopped in front of him.

Doug smiled at Pete. "You're right! She is. I didn't realize it was so late. I think I'll go see her. She'll help me feel better."

Gripping the bar and carefully standing up, he reached for his wallet and paid his tab. Getting his coat he started for the door.

"Dr. Ross, do you want me to call you a cab?"

"No, I'm not *that* drunk! Besides she only lives about three blocks away." Doug grinned at the bartender.

"Ok," he replied. "Drive carefully."

"Always do, always do."

Sighing, Pete turned back to his other customers. He hoped the doctor made it home safely. He also hoped that whatever it was bothering him wasn't too serious. Dr. Ross was a regular customer but this was the first time Pete had ever seen him drink so much.

*************************

Carol woke with a start. Someone was knocking quite loudly on her door and calling her name. She glanced at the clock. 12:50 a.m. Who would be coming to see her at this time of the night? Even as the thought crossed her mind she realized it was probably Doug.

Turning on the lamp on her nightstand, she slipped out of bed and pulled on a robe. Yawning, only half awake, she headed for her front door. He was pounding again, calling her name more loudly. <Geez, Doug, hold on. I'm coming!> she thought to herself, hoping he didn't wake up the neighbors.

Opening the door she looked at Doug. "Do you know what time..." she began only to be cut off by his kiss. Wrapping an arm around her waist he roughly pulled her to him so she was tightly pressed to him from shoulder to knee. Doug ground his mouth against hers, nipping, biting, demanding entrance. Carol gasped at the unexpectedness of it all and Doug immediately took advantage of her open mouth and slipped his tongue between her lips, thrusting, dueling, stroking her tongue.  He tangled his other hand in her hair and used it to hold her head still while he continued to devour her mouth. Shock rooted Carol to the floor. This was no gentle welcoming kiss. This was a hard demanding kiss, full of fierce hunger and driving need. Carol felt stunned and slightly overwhelmed. She could smell and taste the whiskey on his breath, mingling with his own unique scent and the cold of outdoors. Gripping his shoulders, she closed her eyes and hung on, waiting for the firestorm to burn itself out.

Lifting his mouth at last, Doug's deep, rough voice whispering in her ear caused her eyes to fly open.

"Carol, I *need* you," he rasped.

Searching his face she could see the need and desire plainly written there and feel it in the way he was holding her. His eyes were hot, feverish and intent. He was rubbing his hands up and down her back and sides and she could feel his erection pressing against her through his jeans. Her shock slowly receding, she felt the first tingle of desire begin to uncoil deep inside her, mingling with uncertainty and a little bit of fear.

Giving him a small, hesitant smile she eased out of his arms and took a step back. Opening her door wider, he brushed past her and she closed the door and locked it. When she turned around, he immediately pressed her up against the door and once again lowered his head, sliding his arms tightly around her.

This kiss was just as fierce as the first one and just as overwhelming. Doug's tongue began impatiently darting against her lips again demanding entrance, while his hands slid up her back to her shoulders, pushing her robe off her shoulders and down her arms. It fell to the floor pooling around her feet. Immediately he cupped her breasts and began rubbing his thumbs over her nipples. They peaked and he starting lightly rolling them between his thumb and forefinger. Abandoning her mouth, he began to kiss his way across her cheek and down her neck.

Panting slightly, dazed and off-balance, Carol tried to come to grips with what was happening. Doug had made love to her before quick, hot and hard and she had enjoyed it immensely. But never quite like this. She sensed an urgency driving him that was laced with overwhelming need and quiet desperation. There was a wildness about him tonight that she had never seen before. She also strongly suspected that he was more than a little drunk.

Feeling her body beginning to respond to the combination of the familiar feel of his hands and mouth on her and his weight pressing against her, Carol tried to hold onto rational thought. "Doug, what's wrong?" she managed to get out as he continued to caress her breasts and plant kisses on her neck.

Without lifting his head or stopping its downward descent, he murmured in between kisses, "I want you....right now....help me forget....I need to feel you....wrapped around me....driving me crazy....make me forget."

He opened his mouth over her nipple and Carol jumped slightly then moaned. His mouth was feverishly hot. Her nightgown immediately dampened and Doug started rolling her nipple around with his tongue.
The friction of the damp silk rubbing against her nipple while he continued to alternately caress her with his tongue and then suckle only heightened the intensity of the pleasure. Suddenly he lightly nipped her with his teeth and the pleasure/pain of it shot heat straight into her groin. Letting her head fall back against the door she gave in to the sensations he was arousing in her.

Doug felt her surrender in the softening of her body and felt himself relax slightly in response. He knew he was going too fast and was dangerously close to losing control but he couldn't stop himself. He needed her and he needed her now. He needed to be inside her, drowning in her hot, silken depths, buried to the hilt where nothing else could touch him and he didn't have to think, only feel. Only then could he shut his mind off and forget.

He kissed his way over to her other breast branding her skin through the silk with his hot mouth. Opening his mouth he took her nipple into his mouth, alternately caressing and suckling it and then gently biting it. The motion of his mouth on this side caused her damp nightgown to shift and lightly rub against the abandoned nipple, continuing the caress that Doug had started. Carol began to lose her grip on reality, her whole focus on the storm gathering inside her.  Moaning softly, she arched her hips into his hardness pressing her against the door. Instantly, his large hand slid down her body and nestled in the V between her thighs. Shifting her weight slightly, she parted her legs to grant him easier access. Immediately he slipped a finger between her soft folds and began stroking, spreading her dampness, using his thumb to lightly brush against the sensitive nubbin buried in her folds. Her breathing ragged and her passion spiraling out of control, Carol began to catch his urgency, lifting her hips against his hand, whimpering, pleading, needing deeper strokes, stronger contact, more fullness.

Without lifting his head or removing his hand from between her legs, Doug used his other arm to lift her slightly against him and quickly turned around. He gently lowered her to the rug and followed her down. Pausing only long enough to push his jeans down around his knees, he settled his weight between her thighs stroking up her body in one long caress from her knees to her breasts. Lifting his head, breathing harshly, he looked at her.

"I need you *now*!"

In response she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head down to her. Taking her mouth, he quickly set up a rhythm, his tongue darting in and out, mating and dueling with hers. Carol ran her hands up under his sweater giving in to her need to touch his naked skin.  Sliding his hands around underneath her and gripping her buttocks tightly, he lifted her hips slightly and plunged into her in one sure swift stroke, burying himself deeply. Carol gasped, stiffening slightly in surprise. Feeling her tight, hot sheath close around him, he thought once again that it was the most exquisite sensation he had ever felt. Panting, gritting his teeth to keep from totally losing control, he paused briefly to allow her to adjust to his size and penetration and then he began to move. All the way in and most of the way out. Deeper, faster, harder. Carol wrapped her legs around his waist, urging him on, allowing for even deeper penetration. He felt himself begin to lose the tenuous hold he had on his control and struggled to maintain it. He wanted to be sure that Carol was satisfied as well but he wasn't sure if he could hold out. The combination of the alcohol, his overwhelming need and her tight, hot, wet passage were driving him over the edge far too quickly.

Her body beginning to tighten in preparation for its release, Carol opened her eyes to look at Doug. His eyes were closed and his face was all sharp, hard angles as he quickened his pace even more, reaching for his completion. He was struggling to breathe, holding her so tightly she knew she would probably have bruises tomorrow.  Reaching down, she lightly stroked his scrotum and immediately he stiffened, teetering on the edge. She stroked him again and he toppled over, letting out a loud hoarse cry as he came, buried within her to the hilt. Watching him lose control and feeling him throbbing and emptying himself deep inside her, Carol came hard and fast herself, crying out. Closing her eyes she gave herself up to the sensations.

Doug collapsed heavily onto Carol, burying his head in her mass of dark hair and struggling to bring his breathing back under control.  He didn't want to open his eyes and look at her, afraid of what he might see in Carol's face. He was afraid that he had disgusted her or worse yet frightened her with his overwhelming need and urgency. He had no strength left and didn't really want to move. His mind was hazy, drifting, the only memory lingering there now the pleasure he had just received.

Carol lay still, her body cradling Doug's while her breathing returned to normal and the sweat dried. That had been fast and furious. At first she had been a little frightened by his intensity and his urgency but she knew deep in her heart that Doug would never hurt her. She had relaxed and let him in, causing her own passion to quickly spin out of control, matching his desire with her own deep need for Doug and the way his lovemaking made her feel. She wondered what had brought this on, what had caused Doug to get this drunk and need her so badly that he would show it so openly. Did it have something to do with his day at the hospital? She wondered what he had meant when he said "Help me forget". Forget what? What pain was she helping him to forget about tonight? What old memory was haunting him?

Doug was lying so still on top of her, his only movement his even breathing, that she wondered if he had fallen asleep. Suddenly a chill from the cold floor caught her and she shivered. Doug stirred and raised his head. Opening his eyes he looked down at her and gave her a small smile. "Missed me, huh?" she teased softly. He bent down and gently kissed her, his apology in his kiss.

Slowly he rose to his knees and sat back on his feet. Reaching out he helped her sit up and then turned to retrieve her robe from behind him. Placing it around her shoulders he helped her to her feet and then stood up himself. Ducking his head, feeling an unaccustomed warmth on his cheeks, he reached down to pull his pants back up.

"Hey, going somewhere?" Carol questioned softly, not wanting him to leave. She had seen the blush and knew he was feeling uncomfortable.  Still not sure what to make of all this as he had hardly said anything to her, she could tell that something was still bothering him. Not wanting to push because she was afraid he would withdraw as he had so many times before, she reached out and took his hand. She desperately wanted him to let her in, tell her how he was feeling, tell her what had gotten him so upset, why he needed to forget.

Smiling, she turned towards the bedroom, tugging gently. "Come on," she said, struggling to keep it light. "This time let's do it in the comfort of my bed." Because Carol wanted him to make love to her again. Although satisfied physically the first time she had not been satisfied emotionally. She wanted him to love her the way he usually did, wholly focused on her, lingering over her, driving her crazy, making her beg and plead for his possession.

At first she thought he was going to refuse but then he turned and came with her into the bedroom. This time when they made love Doug did linger over her. It was almost as if he was trying to make up for earlier. He was slow and deliberate and she thought she would die from frustration. Despite all her efforts she couldn't get him to quicken his pace until she was panting and writhing uncontrollably under him, begging repeatedly for him to take her. When he finally joined their bodies together again, Carol knew without a doubt that he was completely focused on her and the pleasure they were making together. Afterwards, thoroughly sated and bone tired, memories once again held at bay, total exhaustion claimed them both and they drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

*************************

Doug woke up disoriented. Where was he at? This wasn't his bed. He quickly glanced around the room and then relaxed. He was at Carol's, in her bed. She was the warmth pressed up against his back. He glanced at the clock. 5:20 a.m. He didn't have to be at work until 9:00 but now that he was awake he couldn't get back to sleep. Not wanting to disturb Carol lying so close behind him he lay still, letting his mind drift where it wanted.

He thought about the first time he had seen her. He had been stunned, a funny feeling like butterflies in the pit of his stomach, although he was good enough at hiding his emotions that no one would have been able to tell. She was not classically beautiful but something in her dark, sultry beauty and direct gaze had immediately appealed to him and he had wanted to get to know her better. She had been cool at first and he figured someone had told her all about him and his reputation. So he had worked on charming her, never giving up even after she had turned him down numerous times. He had not taken the time to analyze or understood why he wanted to go out with her so bad, he just knew that he *had* to. So he had been caught off guard when she had finally given in and said yes. He had stopped by the admit desk as he was getting ready to go off shift and, as had become habit, he had casually asked her if she wanted to go get something to eat with him later. He knew he had not hid his surprise or his pleasure well when she said yes but he had quickly recovered and they had finalized plans.

He remembered the first time they had made love. It had been explosive and had rocked him to his foundation. He had gone to pick her up for that first date and had taken her flowers to make a good impression. She had been happy about the flowers and had gone to put them in water. He had been quietly leaning in the doorway of the kitchen, watching her arrange the flowers and thinking about how much he really wanted to kiss her, when she had glanced over at him. Her look had been so full of want and need that Doug, who had never really denied himself anything he wanted, had not been able to resist. He had gone to her and kissed her and their passion had flared so quickly out of control that they had made love right there on her kitchen floor. Smiling at the memory, Doug shook his head slightly. He still couldn't believe it. He didn't normally lose control that fast but she had touched him and he had gone up in smoke. He knew it had been the same for her. Although he had never told Carol, that memory was very special to him and ever since then he would find himself remembering it at odd times. It always brought a smile to his face when he thought about it and he knew he would never forget that moment as long as he lived.

He had never before made love to a woman who so easily swamped his own senses and made it so difficult to maintain control. With all the other women he had made love to, he had been able to easily maintain a certain emotional distance, looking on it as a pleasant way to release his sexual tension and have some fun. But it had been difficult from the start to maintain that distance with Carol and every time they made love it was becoming increasingly harder to keep her out.

Suddenly Doug couldn't breathe. When had he started to crave her touch so much? When had she started to be the brightest part of his day? When had she started to consume so much of his thoughts? When had she become his safe harbor, his anchor? When had she started to matter so much? What was he going to do?

Definitely feeling panicky, like the walls were closing in on him, Doug gently eased away from Carol and sat up. Reaching for his pants he heard a sleepy voice from behind him.

"Doug?"

"Yeah."

"What time is it?"

"Too early for you to be up. I have to be at work soon and I need to go home first to change. Go back to sleep."

Doug felt Carol sit up and slide over behind him, slipping an arm around his waist from behind and laying her head on his shoulder.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Yesterday just got to me a little bit."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Turning slightly, Doug kissed her on her forehead and then looking her in the eyes he kissed her gently on the lips.

"No, everything's fine now. Go back to sleep. You need your rest.   I'll see you later at work ok?"

Carol nodded as she tried to stifle a yawn. Doug gave her a quick hug and another kiss on the forehead. Letting her go, he turned back and picked up his shirt. Rising to put it on, he turned to look at Carol and found her watching him sleepily. She gave him a soft smile even as she yawned again. He smiled in return and then leaned down and gave her another soft, tender kiss.

"Thanks," he whispered. <Thanks for being there for me last night. Thanks for not asking me about it even though I can see you want to. Thanks for not pressing the issue. Thanks for helping me forget for awhile.>

Straightening, he gathered his shoes and belt. Giving her one more small smile, he quietly left her room.

Carol listened to him letting himself out of her apartment. Rolling over, she glanced out the window as the first rays of the sun painted her room with a soft glow. Wrapping her arms around the pillow he had used she hugged it to her chest. It still smelled like him. She smiled slowly as her eyes closed. <He stayed with me all night!>, she thought. <It's not much....but it's a start....he'll see it's not so terrible....now that he's done it for the first time.....maybe he'll do it again.....maybe that wall around his heart is cracking......and he'll let me in .........and trust me.........and love me............like I love him......> she softly drifted to sleep.