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Okay, folks you have to bear with me for this first chapter. I'm working my way
into a very in depth story and this chapter is just to get me and the reader comfortable
with the storyline. *WARNING* There is a lot of sexual content in the form of flashbacks
and such in this. In the following chapters I will not write as many of these scenes. So,
if you are at all offended by these situations then I suggest you bail now. They are very
graphic and specific as is most of my writing. All of us are into a Doug/Carol romance but
some of us don't want to know so much about it. :-) Any comments, criticism, and remarks
are welcomed and appreciated. ~Dara
Okay, now on to the story. It starts after Carol's suicide attempt. She and Tag are no
more. I'm not so hot when it comes to medicine and all so there won't be alot in here. I
don't really pay attention to the show when I write. I write with little regard to
the show. I don't bring in new characters all that often...I try to stick with the main
characters on the show. I will sometimes change a small storyline but I try to avoid
changing the big ones. If there is something you want to see happen in this story then
e-mail me...I'm open to all ideas. Another thing...I'm a music freak so there will
probably be alot of music in this story.
Heart Songs:Chapter 1
To Have and Not To Hold
by Dara
AussiRayne@aol.com
~*~
To hand and not to hold
So hot yet so cold
My heart is in your hand
And yet you never stand
Close enough for me to have my way
To love but no to keep
To laugh not to weep
Your eyes they go right through
And yet you never do
Anything to make me want to stay
Like a moth to a flame
Only I am to blame
What can I do
I go straight to you
I've been told
You're to have
Not to hold
To look but not to see
To kiss but never be
The object of your desire
I'm walking on a wire
And there's no one at all
To break my fall
--To Have and Not To Hold(Madonna/Ray Of Light)--
~*~
The alarm clock blaring wakes Carol from a restless sleep. She rolls over and stares at
the clock. It is 5:00 a.m. She has an hour before she has to be at County. Carol reaches
over and resets the alarm for 5:30, closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.
Carol is tossing and turning and mumbling in her sleep. A closer look reveals she is
having a nightmare.
~*~ Dream ~*~
Carol is relaxing in a bubble bath when there is a loud banging at the door. Getting
out of the tub and throwing on a bathrobe, she throws
open the front door. Finding a drunken Doug Ross, she quickly tries to close the door.
Doug holds up both of hi hand. "Wait. Wait. Please."
Carol steps back and allows Doug to come in. Glaring, she motions for him to sit.
"Make this quick, Doug."
Doug begins slowly, slurring every word. "Carol, I need you. I want to be with
you. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I don't know. I mean, I can't stop
thinking about you. I-I love you."
Carol's face softens a little. "You're drunk, Doug. You don't know what you are
saying."
"I know exactly what I'm saying!" Doug's voice is raising slightly with every
word. "I'm trying to tell you that I am sorry and I love you!"
Carol is slightly taken aback but maintains her composure. "Doug, I think you
should leave. Go home. Sleep it off. We will talk later."
Doug tilts his head and smiles, trying but failing to hide his pain and sorrow. He turns
his head before Carol can see the tears in his eyes.
Carol puts her hand on Doug's chin and turns his face to her. "Hey." Carol
smiles and strokes Doug's cheek.
Doug stares into Carol's eyes. "I'm-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." Doug gets
up and walks out before Carol can say a word.
~*~ End Dream ~*~
Carol is jolted back into reality by the piercing sound of the alarm clock. Slapping the
clock, she jumps out of bed and into a cold shower. *How am I going to make it
through a double shift?* Carol closed her eyes as she let the ice cold water run over her
body.
~*~*~ County General ER: Exam Room 3 ~*~*~
Doug rolls over and falls off the exam table where is catching a nap before his shift
starts. He has just finished the graveyard shift and is trying to catch a few winks before
starting a double shift. Pulling himself off the floor he reaches for a blanket and gets
comfortable on the table once again.
~*~*~ County General ER: Main entrance ~*~*~
Carol walks into the ER and into the lounge yawning. She has her tousled hair pulled on
top of her head and she has dark circles under her eyes. Shrugging out of her coat,
Carol puts on her ID and begins her day. She walks to the nurse's station and checks the
board. "Who's on?" This question was or anyone who was listening.
Jerry answers without looking up from the computer screen. "Ross and Lewis are
on at 7:00. Dr. Ross is sleeping in 3. He just got off night shift."
Carol dives head first into her work, hoping to forget the dreams that plagued her
sleepless night.
Doug stumbles out of exam 3 at 10 'til 7. Susan Lewis sees Doug walk into the lounge
looking like he hadn't slept in weeks. "Morning, sunshine." Susan handed Doug a
cup of coffee.
"Thanks. I'm going to need it." Doug flops down on the couch and waits for his
shift to start.
"Long night?" Susan was drinking coffee and reading the paper.
"Yeah. Lost two kids. Got another one in recovery. Skull fracture and ruptured
appendix." Doug closes his eyes and puts his head in his hands. Doug lifts his head
and stares off into space, allowing his mind to wander.
~*~*~ Flashback ~*~*~
He couldn't remember a time when he'd been so happy. He looked at Carol and smiled. She
looked back at him and melted his heart with her smile. "Come here." Doug took
Carol's hand and pulled her to him. Carol closed her eyes and let out a soft sigh. Doug
gently kissed each eyelid before finding her lips. Carol passionately and forcefully
returned the kiss. Carol gasped and Doug's cold hands slipped under her sweater.
Puling the sweater over Carol's head with one hand, Doug unclasped her bra with the other.
Doug watched Carol's nipples harden with the blast of cold air. He looked at Carol's
flushed face and smiled. Doug trailed kisses from her lips to each smooth white breast and
down to her stomach, stopping at the top of her skirt. Slowly, he slid his hands up her
thighs and under her skirt only to find what he had anticipated. He grinned and tilted his
head to look at her. She wasn't wearing any panties. Moving back up to kiss her, Doug
placed one strong hand between her legs. Slipping one finger and then another into her
soft, slick folds, Doug smiled as Carol let out a low moan. Carol's back arched as Doug
began to move his fingers inside her. Breathing hard, Carol moved her hands to Doug's bare
chest. Drawing small circles around each nipple with her fingers caused Doug to moan.
Seductively, she trailed her hands down his stomach and removed his belt in one swift
motion. Carol reached down and cupped Doug through his jeans. She could feel his
hardness pressing against her palm. Feeling the heat building in her core, she frantically
removed Doug's jeans, his boxers not far behind. She felt Doug enter her and fill
her completely. Doug felt her warmth surround him. Doug began to pump slowly. Carol was
grinding her hips against him, causing him to thrust deep into her. Carol looked deep into
Doug's eyes and she managed to get out three words before she toppled over the edge into
their shared paradise. "I love you." Doug continued to thrust into Carol.
Once, twice, before he joined Carol. "I love you, too, Carol."
~*~*~ End of Flashback ~*~*~
"Doug? Doug!? Doug feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks up to see Carol standing
over him. "They need you in trauma 2. 6 year old boy. GSW to the abdomen."
Doug jumps up and walks quickly to the trauma room. Nurses are preparing for the boy's
arrival. Susan Lewis is standing beside the exam table.
~(time lapse)~
"I'm calling it." Susan Lewis looks at the clock on the wall. "Time
of death: 7:25 a.m."
Doug walks out of the room. His face shows no emotion. Carol follows Doug out of the room
and watches him walk into the men's room. Hanging her head, she walks back to the
nurse's station.
Jerry puts his hand over the receiver of the phone and looks around. "Anybody seen
Dr. Ross?"
Carol answers. "He'll be here in a few minutes. Why?"
"They just said it was an emergency."
Carol takes the phone. "I'll take it."
Just as Carol hangs up the phone, Doug walks out of the men's room.
Carol walks over and puts her hand on his shoulder. "Doug, we need to talk. Let's go
in the lounge."
Doug looks at Carol, his confusion displayed openly on his face. "I thought you were
pissed at me."
"Not now, Doug. Let's just go in the lounge." Carol pushes open the door to the
lounge. Doug walks over and sits down on the couch. He can tell by the look on Carol's
face that this is really serious.
"Doug, I don't know how to tell you this but I'm going to try." Tears
are forming in Carol's eyes. She doesn't want to be the one to tell him. "It's your
son. Abby and her husband were in a plane crash. Michael was with them. He's in
critical condition. Your name was on the birth certificate and the doctors called. They
said you need to come as soon as possible if you want to see him. He probably won't last
the week." Carol is now crying openly.
Doug is in a state of shock. He doesn't know what to think. When Carol slips her
arms around him, he buries his face in her shoulder. Both sit there for a long time.
Regaining his composure, Doug pulls back.
"Where is he?"
"Bellevue in New York." Carol gives Doug a sad smile.
"I have to leave, now." Doug jumps up and grabs his coat from his locker.
"Wait. Doug, I'll go with you." Carol begins to gather her things.
"Really? You'd do that for me?"
"Yes, you'll need somebody there with you."
"Thank you, Carol. That means a lot."
Carol turns to walk out the door. "I'll tell Mark that we'll be gone for a few
days."
"Alright. I'm just going to get my stuff." Doug turns to his locker and pulls
out his gloves and extra shirt.
Carol walks out of the lounge and almost runs into Mark. "Oh, Mark, I was just coming
to look for you. Doug and I need a few days off."
Mark smiled slyly. "Is there something I should know about?"
"No. It's not like that. A doctor from New York called about Doug's son. He was in a
plane crash and he's in critical condition. Probably won't last the week. I'm going
in case Doug needs someone. Is it okay if we take the time?"
"Yeah, sure. When are you leaving?"
"As soon as possible. I'm going to call the airline now."
"Okay, I'll tell Susan. We'll find someone to cover for you and Doug."
"Thank you so much, Mark." Carol walks back into the lounge. "Doug,
let's go. I'll meet you at your place. I'm going to my apartment to pick up some clothes
and call for the tickets. Will you be okay until I get there?" Carol puts her head on
Doug's arm.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks again for doing this." Doug takes Carol's hand and
they walk out of the ER together.
~*~*~ Delta Flight 1904 to LaGuardia, New York ~*~*~
Carol and Dour were sitting in first class. Carol was reading the latest copy of People.
She looked over to see Doug staring out the window. "What are you thinking
about?"
"I was just thinking that I never knew him. He probably never knew that I was his
father. I guess that was probably for the best though. Look at the kind of father I
was. I mean, I've never even seen my own son." Doug turned away from Carol so
she couldn't see his tears.
"Doug, that's not your fault. Abby left. You didn't know where to find her."
Carol put her hand on Doug's arm.
"Yeah, but I was a lousy father from the start. I-I asked her to get rid of the baby.
I knew I wasn't ready so, I asked her to have an abortion. She flat out refused. She said
she would take care of the baby on her own. The next day she was gone."
"Doug, you were in med. school. You were just thinking about the future. At least you
knew you weren't ready. You didn't pretend to be something you weren't." Carol's mind
was spinning. *Maybe Doug is changing.*
"I guess. I never wanted to turn out like Ray. Looks like I didn't do such a great
job on that either." Doug looked back out the window.
"Doug, you are nothing like your father."
"Oh, yeah, right. I turned out to be just like him. I abandoned my kid and ruined the
only good thing in my life, hurt the only person I ever loved. I've screwed up everything
in my life that ever meant anything. Look at what I did to us. I didn't even give us
a chance." Doug turned to Carol and looked deep into her eyes. He could see her tears
and reached up to wipe them away. "Carol, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you with
all of this. It's my problem. I have to fix it myself."
Carol was shocked at what she was hearing. *Is this the Doug Ross that used to show up at
my door drunk when he didn't want to go home alone? The man she shared her bed with so
many times only to wake up and find him gone without so much as a goodbye?* Carol looked
at Doug and smiled through her tears. "Doug, I'm here. You aren't bothering me by
telling me this. I just can't believe what I'm hearing. You really have changed. I'm proud
of you for that."
Doug smiled and tilted his head. "Thanks. I've tried so hard to change. I'm tired of
fucking up all the time." Doug took Carol's hand and leaned his head back hoping to
sleep a little before they got to New York.
Carol squeezed Doug's hand gently and drifted off into a world of her own.
~*~*~ Carol's Mind/Daydream ~*~*~
It was two months ago when they were together last. Carol could still feel Doug's lips on
her body. She could smell the mixture of his aftershave and the Herradura he'd probably
been shooting all night. He had shown up at her door at 2:30 a.m. drunk and lonely. She
let him in knowing exactly where it would lead. She'd never had the power to tell him no.
But, of course, she wanted it almost as much as he did, if not more sometimes. As always,
he put his hands on her as soon as she closed the door. Rubbing his hands up and down her
sides. She could feel his erection pressing into the small of her back. She turned to face
him. There was something different that she just couldn't place. It was softer than
normal. Compassion, maybe? Carol wasn't sure but she like what she saw. She smiled
up at him. She was about to speak when his lips touched hers. She opened her mouth,
allowing his tongue to find hers. Carol felt her whole being slowly surrendering just from
his kiss. Carol barely felt her robe fall from her shoulders. She pulled Doug's shirt from
his pants and up over his head. Her fingers splayed across his chest. Her hands
traveled lower, over the ripples in his abdomen to the buckle on his belt. She began
unbuckling his belt while he was hurriedly trying to get her out of the nightgown she had
on. Succeeding in undressing each other, Doug and Carol began explorations of their own.
Carol felt Doug's hands move down her spine like a feather only to clamp like a vice on
her backside. She gasped at the pressure from Doug's hands. He recoiled when he heard her.
"No, Doug, it's okay. I like it." Carol knew Doug would never hurt her.
Surprisingly enough, she liked the small amount of pain he had just inflicted. Taking his
hands, Carol placed them back on her rear end and continued her pleasurable assault on
Doug's body. Placing her hands between them, she found is erection and ran her fingers up
and down the length of him. She smiled when her fingers touched the moisture on the
tip. Carol was just beginning to work her thumb around his tip when she felt two fingers
enter her. She moaned loudly when a third finger entered her. He was stretching her and
she had never felt such exquisite delectation. She was close to the edge and knew it.
Carol pulled back from their kiss and gave a Doug a look. He smiled back and quickly
led her to the bedroom. Carol lay down on the bed and held her arms out for Doug. He
slowly entered her and began to move. In and out, in and out. "Doug, I'm gonna
come." Upon hearing this, Doug began to thrust harder. Shockwaves rocked Carol's body
when she came. Doug kept thrusting, helping to lengthen her orgasm. Carol was oblivious
when Doug teetered over the edge to join her. After laying still for a few minutes, Carol
was able to catch her breath and speak albeit only two words. "Oh, Doug."
Carol drifted off into a peaceful sleep only to wake up two hours later to find Doug
gone...again. Promising herself she wouldn't cry, she rolled over and fell into a
dreamless sleep.
She had tried not to think it. Oh, she would definitely never forget it but she didn't
want to dwell on the past. Now, all of this talk about Doug's son and the kind of father
he is or will be sent Carol's mind reeling. One thought popped into her head and
immediately she snapped out of her trance and grabbed her purse. Looking through her
calendar, frantically searching for some indication that she was wrong. *No such luck. But
I couldn't be. Nah, no way. However, that could explain the insomnia. Dammit, I'm a nurse.
How could I miss something like that?* Carol continued to berate herself while Doug was
waking up and looking at her.
Doug noticed the worried look on Carol's face. Her furrowed brow told him whatever she was
thinking was serious. "Something wrong?"
Carol turned, wide-eyed to Doug. "Wha- No, nothing's wrong. I'll be right back."
Carol jumped out of her seat and made a mad dash for the bathroom. She locked the door and
looked in the mirror. Her cheeks were flushed and she had beads of sweat on her forehead.
Suddenly, her face broke into a huge smile. *Is it possible? Am I going to be a mother?
What about Doug? What's he going to say?* The smile was gone again as Carol began biting
her bottom lip. She told herself not to worry and headed back to her seat.
Doug saw that Carol's earlier look of apprehension had been replaced by one of sheer
happiness. In fact, she was glowing. He started to speak when a voice came over the
intercom.
"Flight 1904 to New York City's LaGuardia Airport will be landing in ten minutes.
Passengers, please fasten your safety belts and place your seats and trays in their
upright and locked positions."
Doug looked at Carol. "Here goes nothing."
Carol took Doug's hand and waited for the plane to land.
(August 2, 1998)
To be continued...
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