Drive

Drive

Notes: This is a little thing that hit me at work yesterday evening after seeing yesterdays terrifying show (meaning the "locked in the bathroom" part). The lyrics are from "Drive" by The Cars.

I closed the door with a bang and leaned back against it. Somehow my legs wouldn't support me any more. I drew a shuddering breath, trying to stop myself from bursting into tears and collapsed on the cool tile floor.

< What have I done? >

My face was warming up. I lifted a hand to touch it, and noticed my hand was trembling.

< I did NOT just walk away from Lucky. >

A hot tear rolled down my cheek. I swiped at it angrily.

< I did. I did walk away. I probably ruined the best thing in my life. >

The tiles were cold enough for me to shiver when I pressed my face against them. The contrast of the coolness against my hot skin sent goosebumps all over my body.

< Stupid, stupid, stupid. >

Who's gonna tell you when

It's too late

I flashed to the boxcar. It was night, and my soul was still shivering from hearing "Elizabeth" live, for the first time.

"I don't want you to go, but I don't want you to get in trouble, either." Lucky's words were soft on the still night air.

"I hope you don't freeze tonight," was my reply.

He looked slightly incredulous. "You know, everything about you is the best--the best there is."

Who's gonna tell you things

Aren't so great

Lucky's words ran through my head.

< "As long as you can't wake up, go to sleep, live a minute without thinking about it, Tom has what he wants. Don't give it to him, please." >

My face was still warm. I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Isn't that what you keep telling yourself?" I whispered into the floor. "'Let it go?'"

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

I tried composing myself and managed to stop crying, although my sniffles were very loud in the sudden stillness of the apartment. I wondered if Lucky had gone, it was so quiet in the other room. I stood on wobbly legs and moved in front of Lucky's mirror. My face was tear-splotched. I listened to the acute silence from beyond the door.

< What have I done now? >

Who's gonna pick you up

When you fall

My mind wandered painfully to the night Lucky found me in the park. A night I would never forget. I had looked up at him, wanting to be invisible, so that he wouldn't see my shame, and he had picked me up off of the ground and saved me.

Who's gonna pay attention

To your dreams

"If I were to be an artist, I’d like to do a portrait--you know, an oil of a Great Aunt Sadie that you can hang over the fireplace."

"I would have thought you'd go more for the wilder stuff."

"Oh, I’ll do that, too, but a portrait--I don't know--it becomes part of the family, and just knowing that would make me feel good, you know. Anyway, that's more than enough about me. What do you want to do with your life?"

Who's gonna plug their ears

When you scream

"You don't have to be like anything for me."

Then he'd left.

I had picked up Boris, held it tight, and then thrown it back on the bed. I'd gone

over to my tape player and turns it on, listens for a second and shuts it off. Not even Lucky's magical voice could soothe me. I picked up a book and starts thumbing through it. I remember saying: "It's not fair." And throwing the biggest fit of my life. And he'd been there.

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

I closed my eyes to the memories of Lucky and myself. Happy memories. Why was I suddenly pushing things in front of our relationship?

< It's not his fault. >

I wiped away the last traces of my tears and bent over the sink to wash my face.

Who's gonna hold you down

When you shake

"Just don't tell me to let this go, because if he did it to me, he'll do it to somebody else or he'll come back and he'll rape me again --"

"No."

"Because he knows that he got away with it the first time."

"No, no." He'd gotten vehement then. He'd pulled me into his arms and held me so close, I could feel him breathing. "Listen, he would have to kill me first."

Who's gonna come around

When you break

I was curled in the fetal position on the couch when the doorbell rang. I jumped. My brain was wracked for places to hide, when I heard Lucky's voice through the door. He was calling my name.

"Elizabeth!"

I had barely enough time to open the door before he pulled me close to him. His breathing was labored. Perhaps he'd run the whole way here?

"Oh my God. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Are you ok? Are you all right?"

I was still in shock from facing Murty in the park. "What happened to you?" was all I could come up with.

I pulled him into the house.

"A cop mistook me for a mugger. I didn't have time to think. What did Murty say? Did he hurt you?"

He sounded so concerned.

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Oh you know you can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

My heart felt like it was going to explode if I didn't do something. I took a deep breath and pulled open the door, my heart thudding. I hoped my paleness didn't betray my nervous state.

Lucky was standing across the room, looking anxious. He appraised me with his eyes.

"You okay?"

< I won't be if you won't forgive me! >

I nodded without a word, taking a deep breath to speak. He beat me to it.

"I got a - I got a big mouth sometimes-"

"I'm sorry." I interrupted. I dared to go on. "You didn't day anything to me that I don't already say to myself - all the time. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. And I know that's what I have to do, but ... I just don't know how."

I watched his face, hoping to gauge his reaction.

"I don't either. But we'll figure out together."

He reached for me and I didn't resist when he tugged me into an embrace. I turned my head into his neck and breathed back tears.

"Elizabeth?"

I sniffed loudly and leaned back so I could see his face.

"Yeah?"

"You want me to drive you home?"

I swallowed back the instant lump that formed in my throat. I stood on tiptoe and gave Lucky a slow kiss.

End.