As soon as Téa shut her the door to her bedroom the tears started rolling down her face. Great wenching sobs were begging to be released but Téa wasn't going to give in to them, that would mean giving in to despair and no way was she going to do that. But despite that vow some sniffles were being heard, so she grabbed a pillow to drown out the sounds of her crying.
"No way, there is no way I am going to let Todd see how much I am hurting," Téa thought to herself.
She laid down in the middle of her bed and let the tears fall until they were done. The armor she wore around her soul falling away, leaving her to feel raw and naked to the maelstorm she found herself in.
After a while she got up , changed into her nightgown and robe, then sat on the floor by the big windows in her bedroom overlooking Llanview, a forlorn figure in a dimly light room. She rests her head against the cool glass looking at the night sky and all the lights on in the town. A soothing quiet voice that we all seem to have in the back of our minds, to talk with, try to figure things out with, weaves through Téa's mind while a few final tears dry on her face.
"Oh, Téa how did you let yourself get into this mess. Everything is spinning out of control and you had better do something."
Téa answers the voice starting a conversation with herself trying to figure out what has happen and where she should go. "I did make a mess out of everything didn't I? I let everything get out of my control and I don't know if I can fix them. Maybe I should just leave, call it quits now before I get hurt anymore and involve anyone, but its too late for that now too isn't it. I have involved Andrew in a big way and now I don't know what to do about that either. Why did I have to involve him?"
The voice: "Because you were lonely and confused. You needed a little friendship and you wanted to feel needed so..."
"Téa again: "So I flirted heavily with him. It felt so good to feel wanted though, knowing where I stood, knowing that Andrew liked me. I would have gone a lot farther the night of our date too if Andrew hadn't put the brakes on. I just need to know that someone could like me, desire me, but I would have been using Andrew then."
The voice: "Yes you would have, wouldn't you? Because you were hurt, you wanted Todd and he rejected you and you didn't like that."
Téa: "I know, I know. I just don't think Todd even likes me anymore. Hell I don't know if he ever did, well maybe he did, but he wants all these boundaries put down and God forbid if I try and cross them. I am just so tried of reaching out and getting my hand slapped."
The voice: "So you're going to be as hurtful and hateful as he is?"
Téa: "Well why not?I don't know, he makes me so crazy, words just end up spewing out of my mouth before I can stop them. God, how did this situation get so nuts? I thought we were moving forward towards each other but...."
The voice: " But nothing , he got scared, rejected you and you got hurt. No one is ever suppose to hurt or reject Téa Delgado."
Téa: " Yeah right, it seems sometimes like my whole life has been full of nothing but one rejection after another. Ohhh What am I going to do about what happened tonight?"
The voice: " Apologize?"
Téa: " I can't.I don't even want to remember anything about the whole evening, the look on Todd's face when he came in the door,that stupid,stupid song that started as a game which got so quickly out of hand. But I just needed to laugh, be with friends, feel connected to someone, not feel alone."
The voice:"Same old, same old, say your sorry to Todd, Téa, say it."
Téa:"I just can't. I couldn't face him and cannot, will not let him know how much I really do care so I have to....."
The voice: "Act like a total bitch."
Téa: " Yeah, like a total bitch." Téa gets up from the floor pacing her room and picks a pillow up from her bed clutching it to her chest she is drawn to the windows again still restless with her racing thoughts but starting to feel drained. She slides down to the floor again, thinking: "I can't say sorry, just can't. I know I have been hateful but to say sorry......"
The voice:"You have to take that chance again.."
Téa:" NO, I took a chance and all it got me was a big huge rejection, a shove away so hard, I thought I was going to break into a million pieces. Not again, I can't try again."
The voice:"So you're going to wait for what? For Todd to reach out?"
Téa:"Yeah, I know, fat chance but if this is the way it has to be this is the way it'll be."
The voice:"Even if you are miserable, hurting, and falling apart inside."
Téa:"That's just the way it'll be for now, I feel so numb, almost dead inside. I..I don't want think anymore, I want to sleep, forget tonight, forget the last few weeks. Maybe I'll just concentrate on what is good with this situtation, Starr. I'll just spend sometime for right now with Starr, leave Todd to his own devices."
The voice:" Till the next fight......"
Téa: No, no more thinking about this now, except I will find a way to make it better. I have to find a way to a middle ground somehow make Todd meet me there. I just have too, I will." Téa gets up off the floor, feeling sleepy and somewhat calmer,starts walking towards her bed. She pull the covers back.
Téa:"Tomorrow will be better, I hope if
not, No more thinking, it's time for bed." She readies herself for bed,
removing make-up, brushing out hair and brushing teeth. She then slips
under the covers, snuggling under the comforter, hugging a pillow to her
chest. She is exhusted from the emotional roller coaster she's caught on
and starts to slip towards sleep, but a final thought starts weaving through
her sleep clouded before she falls fully under, " Please God, I love Todd
so much, just let him care about me , maybe love me, please......."
Boy I was good at justifying her wasn't I? It is not that I don't like the character for I have always held the belief that she has (or should it be had?) a lot of possibilty but anymore it has become harder and harder. And it has gotten to the point as to whether or not do I want TnT together anymore? And why? That punch did a lot to make think about this. I didn't think that the punch was out of character for Todd considering the person he is and now knowing the abuse he went through. But all of the stuff that has happened these past weeks well it makes the back and forth of coming together and pushing away that they used to always do seem like child's play.
I wrote two more stories and they
aren't bad but they both stemmed from anger at not undestanding what the
hell Téa was doing. Now it has been awhile since I wrote anything
and the truth is there will not be anymore TnT fan-fic from me. I will
udoubtly be still writing in the near future but TnT. Now I have heard that Téa might do some kind of a deal with Kevin, and I only hope that it isn't stemming from the fact that she doesn't believe in Todd. I just don't know about her as a character anymore. Téa, the flippest floppiest character in Llanview.