I feel burnt out... And I have absolutely no reason to feel so. There have been no major assignments from college, no disasters from the Hellmouth or other random happenings. Everything has been quiet.

Yet I feel as if I can't get out of bed. Maybe quietness is my plague. This is the first time I have felt this way since I met Buffy and found out that the monsters that I thought inhabited my closet as a child were indeed real. I had always found things to do. Or rather 'things' had always kept me busy.

I slowly got up and put in my Hole CD. I know... Something you wouldn't expect from me, right? Oz got me into them when we were dating. And besides most of their music matches my mood -- dark.

*Oh, look at my face
My name is might have been
My name is never was
My name's forgotten*

I hum softly along with the music and soon become absorbed by it... I became a part of it. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is how music can totally transform you. It can make you happy, it can make you sad... Hell, people even say that it can *make* you kill. Not that I believe that; nothing can influence you to do something that cruel if you weren't already capable of doing it. But that's not the point. The point is that music is very powerful. It can change your mood. It's lyrics can give you hope. It can help you heal.

Sometimes I wish I was still in high school. Everyone was happy then. Well, mostly happy. Xander and Cordelia were together; Oz and I were together; Buffy and.... Well, Buffy's love life is a completely long, sad, different story.

But then everything changed. Oz and Cordelia found out about 'the clothes fluke' and the other...um...things that happened. Cordelia refused to talk to us or listen to reason. She threw herself back into her old life of vanity and money and never gave the rest of us a backwards glance. Oz and I tried to work things out but in the end, he could never get over my betrayal and I couldn't win back his trust.

We're still friends, though. He's a disc jockey for a radio station in Seattle, where his band settled. We talk to each other a lot and I always tell him about the stuff I find out about his being a werewolf. I used to wish I could change things, but now I think everything's happened for a reason.

A reason I have yet to find.

*Swing low, cherry, cherry
Yeah it's awful
He's drunk, he tastes
Like candy, he's so beautiful
He's so deep like dirty water
God, he's awful
You're lost, oh, where's your daddy - it's so awful*

My thoughts turn toward Spike. I haven't ventured outside at night since that night. I've been scared. It is Spike. Spike the bad ass vampire. The killer of two slayers. Not exactly the person you'd want to meet up with in a dark alley.

But somehow, he seems different. He's saved me twice from vampires. And he's been following me. Watching me. Protecting me. That has to count for something.

And he's handsome. Gorgeous actually. Damn fine. I can't say it wouldn't be interesting to see what some of these prissy girls would do if they saw him on my arm. They'd just about die.

I groan silently. What's wrong with me?! Why am I thinking about him? My God! What will people think when they find out I've kissed him?! Not once, not twice but three times.

*In your endless summer night
I'll be on the other side
When the water is too deep
I will ease your suffering
When the glitter fades in morning
Turn away and you will find my empty eyes
Your beauty blinds*

I suddenly feel compelled to go out. To have Spike at my side. I want to see his face in the moonlight. I want him to fall in step beside me instead of behind me for once. I want to feel his lips against mine. I want to taste his passion...

UGH! I groan again, this time out loud. I flop down on my bed and bury my face in my pillow. It all seemed hopeless.

Maybe someday I'll find the courage to confront him.