As I stood there watching him walk away from me, tears still burning in my eyes, words still burning in my heart, I kept saying over and over in my head 'It wasn't supposed to be like this.


Why did it hurt so much? Was I being foolish? Selfish? Should I have forgiven him? For what? Should I run back into his arms and just let it pass? 'But I couldn't.


My body, my soul, my heart would not let me move. All my strength had been drained. I could not move. I needed time. Time to think. Time to be alone. Time to find inner peace with myself. I needed time to heal. Just a little time. I have never felt so alone in my whole life.


No one could help me right now. Not even my best friend. My best friend to whom I had given my body, my soul to, had betrayed me. The one person whom I needed the most right now was the one person who had hurt me. Hurt me more deeply than I thought possible. So for now, I was alone.


Somehow Michaela went on to make all the planned calls on her patients and then some. It was the only thing she could do to keep her mind busy. But it had been the longest and hardest day of her life. One that would haunt her for a long time to come.


"Ma, you're finally home! I was...that is.. we were getting worried! Ma, you okay?” a worried Brian called out from the porch of the homestead as he watched his mother emerge from the barn after settling her horse down for the night.


"Brian, I'm fine. Just a little tired though. I think I made calls on every patient I've ever seen since I came to Colorado", answered a weary Michaela.


"I'm sorry if I worried you, but I needed some time.


"By this time, Brian was beside her wanting to ask more but knowing that now was not the time. He had been the one who saw the kiss and had told his Ma about it.


He had told his Ma how unhappy he was but never stopped to consider how it had affected her relationship with Sully. He would talk to her tomorrow. But for tonight, he would have to live with himself and what he had done, wondering if things had changed between his Ma and Sully. Wondering if Sully would still be a part of their lives. It was going to be a very long night for him but he knew in his heart that his Ma was in pain and nothing he could say or do could take it away at this moment.


"We saved you some supper. Are ya hungry?" he asked.


"No, I think I'll just turn in. I need to get to the clinic early tomorrow to finish getting all those new medical supplies put away. Thanks anyway Brian," and with that they closed the door of their home.


Michaela sat for hours it seemed in her cozy bed just watching the shadows from the light on the walls around her. They seemed to take familiar shapes and were whispering. Taunting her. At first she didn't recognize the faces but soon them became more clear to her. The faces were that of Sully and Catherine.


They seemed to be down by a river. Catherine was kneeling at the edge of the water, gently picking up a feather. Sully slowly moved closer to her and was soon on his knees beside her. They were talking but she couldn't understand what they were saying. They were conversing in Cheyenne. Catherine then faced Sully. As she smiled at him she carefully took his hand in hers and placed in over her heart. Sully stared into her eyes. They suddenly seemed to be as one. They shared something that she could never understand. And then, they were gone.


Michaela, as if waking from a bad dream, cried out "No!" Suddenly realizing that she had probably woken the children she sprang from her bed to the smiling face of her Ma, settled back down to her bed.


Matthew, out in the barn, had heard nothing. But Brian, by this time had already planted his feet firmly on the cold, wooden floor.


"Ma!" he started to cry. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I..well..I didn't know what else to do. I don't hate Sully Ma! Make him come back. Please! "Michaela's heart was already aching but the sight of her son brought to tears made it break.


"Oh Brian. You didn't hurt me. Why ever would you think that?" she cried. "If I hadn't told you about seein' Catherine kissin' Sully...I know I hurt ya Ma. I'm sorry. It's all my fault!" Tears were pouring down his cheeks.


Michaela pulled her son to her chest. "Brian you told the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts us but you were not the cause of my pain. I am the only one who can take the blame for that. I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there but I was too busy being a doctor and trying to help Catherine that I just didn't see it. No Brian you did not hurt me. I opened my heart to both Catherine and Sully. I allowed myself to get hurt.


"But Ma you were just bein' nice to her," answered Brian.


"Yes Brian, and she was alone and afraid. She had no one she could trust. No one until she met Sully. She saw the same trust in him that you and I saw. She did right by trusting him and it was that same trust that made her think she loved him. I know that much Brian," Michaela sighed.


"But does Sully love her Ma? does he love her the way he loves you? He asked.


Michaela couldn't answer. She didn't know how. How do you explain to one so young that there are different types of love.


The love between a mother and son, the love between a husband and wife and the love between two people, lost in a world that didn't accept them. This type of love was different from the type of love she and Sully shared but to Brian it was still love.


All he knew was that 'kissin was kissin' and 'fishin was fishin'. Something he had told Sully when he first confronted him about it. It was going to be very difficult to explain the difference to him.


Time. Once more she needed time. That seemed to be the one thing she asked of so many. First Sully and now Brian. She still needed to sort her own feelings out and time was running out. Would she have all the right answers? "No Brian. Sully doesn't love Catherine. I know he loves me. He told me so and I must believe him. Sully always tells me the truth. But you must understand that sometimes people in love go through rough times. It doesn't mean they don't love each other. It's hard to explain where we go from here. But Sully will come back to us. I promise you this Brian. He will come back. I just need a little time to heal right now. You do understand that?"


Brian hesitated before answering. Wiping the tears from his face he finally said, "I understand Ma. I know that sometimes I need time to think by myself. That's when I go down to the river. I can be alone there."


Michaela smiled as she watched her son finally lay his head down on his pillow. "Brian I love you. Do you know how much I love you? "Brian smiled back up at her as she spread her arms and reached as wide as she could. "This much!" she said. They both laughed and Michaela rose to pull the covers back over him. She blew him a kiss and stood watch as sleep finally closed his eyes.