General Hospital Waiting Room ~ Top Ten Lists

List 28

Top Ten Medical Procedures Used At GH

10. Lobotomizing Audrey. (Is it just me, or does she get more inane as time goes on?)

9. Super-hormone treatments for Helena's boy-toys, to keep them functioning at their very best, even under the direst circumstances.

8. Surgically grafting Bobbie's head onto a body two sizes too small. Sure, the procedure sounds simple, but it is actually quite complex. Not only do they have to attach her giant head to a new neck, but steel supports had to be added to her spine in order to keep her from toppling over due to the weight of her massive breasts.

7. Ground-breaking treatments for brain tumors, specifically, the "gamma knife" and Helena's mystery drug, both of which are designed to save Chloe's eyesight. Too bad they don't have a procedure that could give her some insight.

6. Hair transplants. Several years ago, Alan Quartermaine pioneered this surgical technique in which thousands of strands of plastic blonde hair from over 500 Barbie dolls were transplanted to Monica's head. In more recent memory, Dr. Quartermaine harvested the hard plastic "hair" units from hundreds of Ken dolls, molded them into a new, larger headpiece, and transplanted it to Lucky's head.

5. "Death-be-gone," an immortality serum developed, ironically, by GH physician Steve Hardy. While Dr. Hardy did not use the serum himself, he has administered it successfully to both Lila Quartermaine and Helena Cassadine, two women who have, shall we say, stood the test of time. Dr. Hardy is also responsible for the synthesis of the SORAS (Soap Opera-Related Aging Syndrome) compound, a drug used to speed up the maturation process of such individuals as Juan Santiago and Brooke-Lynn Ashton. Author's Note: in contrast to most soap opera hospitals, GH uses the SORAS compound quite sparingly - for which we are eternally grateful.

4. MGH, or Morality Growth Hormone, was first identified at GH. While some individuals seem to completely lack MGH, and thus have no sense of morality (examples include Luke Spencer, Stefan Cassadine, Helena Cassadine), others have actually used MGH for illicit purposes, developing in themselves a sense of moral superiority beyond that of normal humans (examples include Laura Webber Baldwin Spencer Cassadine Spencer, Chloe Morgan, Mac Scorpio).

3. Elfication: a procedure involving electric shocks and radiation treatments in combination with drugs that are used to halt the development of an otherwise normal child, rendering the maturation process incomplete. A prime example of elfication is Robin Scorpio, whose mental growth stalled at approximately ten years of age, yet managed to physcially reach the developmental stage of an average thirteen year old girl. Elfication is no longer used because of proven side effects: the electric shocks cause the individual to be more high-strung than a miniature poodle. Other side-effects include a tendency to self-righteousness and moralising, and a Tourette's-like syndrom in which words or phrases tend to be repeated spontaneously (such as "spermicidal jelly" and "but that's wrong!").

2. Neuron-o-suction (NOS). Based on the process of Liposuction, in which fat is sucked out of the body by a small vacuum, Neuron-o-suction was developed as an alternative therapy to elfication. In order to avoid having their children grow up to criticize their stupidy, many PC parents have opted for NOS, in which their children's brains are partially eliminated, keeping them forever infantile. Maxie Jones was the first child to have this procedure done. More recently, it has been used on Lulu Spencer and Michael Morgan.

1. "Stepford Wife" treatments, also known as the "Corinthos Special" - a series of mind altering drugs that render any women attracted to Sonny completely idiotic. These drugs not only inhibit the function of the cerebral cortex, they literally dissolve the spinal column. They have proven useful on Brenda, Lily, and Hannah. Strangely enough, doctors have not yet attempted the procedure on Carly.

Thank you for visiting the General Hospital Waiting Room.