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"HECTIC HOTEL: The New Vegetarianism" Written by David M. Blaies © 1997,
David M. Blaies
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Another day at the Hectic Hotel, where the customer is always right. That is hotel policy rule Number 1, and rule Number 2 is to "Refer to rule #1" (at least in the front-of-the-house; in the back it's a different story). In the kitchen, Jim was talking to one of the questionable waiters just before the lunch rush. Just then, a waitress yelled out to the waiter "you've got a table -- a 1-top."
Off the waiter went to get the order.
"We are offering the Chef's Salad of the Day for only $14.95. Made from a base of exotic greens sprinkled with chopped bacon..."
"Don't put any bacon on mine, please, I'm a Vegetarian."
"Yes, madam. ...Sprinkled with diced egg..."
"Please give me the whites only, I'm on a diet. The yolk contains fat, don't you know."
"Yes, madam. ...it comes garnished with a tomato rose..."
"Don't address me by my first name, young man, it is very rude."
"But I didn't."
"My name is Rose."
"I'm so sorry."
"Why, don't you like my name?"
"All right! It just comes with a tomato."
"Thank you, but hold the tomato. I'm allergic to them. What is the dressing?"
"The Chef has created a walnut oil blend for the greens with an avocado chaud-froid sauce beneath and both a red raspberry dressing and a balsamic vinegar dressing patterned over the top."
"Oh! That sounds delicious!"
"Yes, it is splendid."
"Yes, I'll have the salad, and have the Chef put the dressings on the side."
"I've never served a beautiful salad like this with all 4 dressings on the side. I'll have to ask Chef Jim."
"Don't blow my diet!"
"Yes, madam."
"Here is your salad!"
"What is this, may I ask?"
"That is a carved cucumber crown."
"Why isn't it peeled?"
"I'm sure the Chef left the skin on because he likes the dark green color contrasting with the white interior of the cucumber."
"I'll have you know that there are preservatives and car wax on it. Why didn't you tell me this cucumber comes on the salad?"
"It doesn't usually, but the Chef put it there in place of the tomato ros... er, garnish."
"Please remove it."
"Yes, madam."
"Here is your salad!"
"By the way, I forgot to ask, is the lettuce organic?"
"I beg your pardon."
"I said, is the lettuce organic?"
"Well, it's not mineral!"
"Go ask the Chef."
"Yes, Madam."
"The Chef said that he picked it from his own garden."
"But it is the dead of winter."
"That is what he said, Madam."
"Well, this has taken so long that I don't have time to eat it now. Wrap this to-go please."
"Yes, Madam."