When I was a lad.

When I was a lad we stamped on grapes,

We jumped and gibbered like crazy apes.

We picked them carefully and threw them in

And jumped to burst them from out their skin.

I jumped and gibbered so, without capsize

That now I am the captain of the Enterprise.

At squashing grapes I made such a splash

That daddy let me add up all the family's cash.

I added it so freely and conservatively

That some of it was overlooked and came to me.

I augmented my allowance in such a wise

That now I am the Captain of the Enterprise!

My father sent me to private school

Where I studied hard and never played the fool.

When asked a question I learned with ease

To say, "Computer, the answer please!"

My ignorance thus I would disguise,

And now I am the Captain of the Enterprise

In class I learned the words and stuff

Which made me sound a science buff.

I hated all the maths and loved the Arts.

I went in plays in all the good parts.

I chewed the scenery and rolled my eyes,

And now I am the Captain of the Enterprise!

In Shakespeare's plays I rolled my vowels,

And learned to practice frowns and scowls.

As Cassius I learned the useful knack

Of stabbing my leader in the back.

For all these accomplishments I won the prize

And now I am the Captain of the Enterprise.

I went to the Academy, and lost my heart.

But they made me a new one, before I fell apart.

I learned to tell everyone what to do,

And say, "Make it so!" to any of the crew.

That is the reason, or so I surmise,

That I am the Captain of the Enterprise.

by Edward McArdle.