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This is the fun page ... Here has the family added some crazy stuff ... so read and have a really good time!!! Wanna add something? .... ok...hit the ----->

heard from The Shadow..... You don't know Jack Schitt ...... Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn- Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children. Holly Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and then two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their Final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt. By and by, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. the Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So, you not only know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!

heard from Jim + Val... (who?) Proper Care of Floppy Diskettes Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!! ---------- 1.Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. 6.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. 7.If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. 8.Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9.Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) 10.Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11.Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

heard from Johny Spade... FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS Horn broken. Watch for finger. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. All generalizations are false. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Born free...Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Rehab is for quitters. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. No radio - Already stolen. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. I souport publik edekashun. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? (here is a swedish bumper sticker: Don't laugh at my car....your doughter could be laying in my backseat!!!)

heard from the Pinger... The Confess. It's Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions, and there are four nuns in the line-up. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I should let you know right off that I touched a man with my finger!" "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you could have been in a crowded elevator or some similar place." "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I touched him right on his private parts!" "You slut! You filthy tart!" screams the good father. "Say a hundred Hail Mary's and dip your finger in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she did. The second nun enters the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I want to say that I held a man with my hand." "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', he might have stumpled and you lent a hand." "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I held his private parts right in me hand!" "Why you slut! You whore!" Roars the good Father. "Say a thousand Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she did. At this point, the fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me sister, but would you mind terribly if I went ahead of you?" "Now why would you be wantin' to do that, I wonder?" To which the fourth nun replies, "Well, it looks as if I'm going to have to gargle with the holy water, and I want to do so before you sit in it!"

heard from Johny Spade... An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, theengineer becomes dissatisfied with conditions in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, etc. and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

" God replies,"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

heard from the Pinger... A Golf story. A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

heard from the Pinger... A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice". The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice".

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish".

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "Who are you then?", asked the drunk.

I am the manager of this hockey rink.

heard from Johny Spade... ". . . so I am likely to be wiser than he to a small extent, that I do not think I know what I do not know. . . .I soon realized that poets do not compose their poems with knowledge, but by some inborn talent or inspiration. . ." -Socrates "...The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them....." -- William Clayton --

heard from the Pinger...(no fan of the European Union!!!) The European Union com-missioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather then German, witch was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Magisty's Goverment conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as the EuroEnglish (Euro for short). The first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be grown public enthuiasm in the sekond year, when the trublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage of where more komplikated changes are possible.Goverments will enkorage the removal of double letters, witch have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil have a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difkultis and evriun vil find it ezi to understan ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. (I wanna tell you all that this one was NOT easy to write...lol.)

heard from Commerce... We've all been there: From The Associated Press: Issaquah, Washington: A man was coaxed out of his home by police after he pulled a gun and shot his personal computer, apparently in frustration. "We don't don't know if if wouldn't boot up or what," Sgt. Keith Moon said Thursday. The computer, in a home office on the second floor of the townhouse had four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor. One bullet struck a filing cabinet, while another made it through a wall and into a neighboring unit. No one was hurt. Police evacuated the complex, contacted the 43-year-old man by telephone and got him to come out. He was taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation.

heard from ceecee... WHAT AM I???? THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 7 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF ACLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE AT THEOTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLYAND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHATFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. WHAT AM I??????? . . . . . . . AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN ............TOOTHBRUSH......... what were you thinking? you PERVERT!!!!!

heard from Azrael... A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for ... the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!". She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, and strikes a musclebuilders pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!". She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?". She replies "with 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

heard from Ellen... HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Show up naked.

heard from ceecee... YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN: your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them all of your friends have an @ in their name you can't call your mother......she doesn't have a modem you check your mail, it says "no new messages", so you check it again you find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search you refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines you finally do take a vacation , but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment all your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net:28.8......ISDN......cable modem.....T1.......T3 and even your nightdreams are in HTML you tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html you tell the kids they can't use the computer because "daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job you buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built in keyboard and mouse your wife makes a new rule: the computer cannot come to bed you get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with netscape 1.1 or higher your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV even though you've never had heart problems before you step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened you turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives your wife drapes a blonde wig over the monitor to remind you what she looks like you code your homework in HTML and give the instructor the URL you miss more than 5 meals a week downloading the latest info you found on the web I see several that apply to me. How about you ?? *GIGGLE*

heard from ceecee... In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" I submit the following: Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike) He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES. NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

heard from ceecee... THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?? Pizza drivers have discovered that the majority of rich people and black people do not tip....however rich black people do.Do they cancel each other out?? Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?? Men....you cant screw with them and you cant screw without them..... Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting...it is not logical but it is often true... Red meat is not bad for you like we have all been told....warm green fuzzy meat is whats bad for you.... SURVEY QUESTION FOR THE WEEK.... Many have asked me what SMEATS means.....I would like to have your ideas on what you think it means.....

heard from azrael... A MALE-BASHING JOKE THAT WILL APPEAL TO ALL OF US: Why e-mail is like a penis 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information al of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

heard from ceecee... 1.Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2.Use your Mastercard to pay your VISA bill. 3.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4.When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. 5.During your next meeting sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat. 6.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 7.Make a list of things you have already done. 8.Dance naked in front of your pets. 9.Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong. 10.Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. 11.Go shopping.Buy everything.Sweat in them.Return them the next day. 12.Drive to work in reverse. 13.Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. 14.Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you. 15.Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room. 16.Get a box of condoms.Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK Almost everybody has seen those pizza people zipping all over town.They sometimes drive like maniacs but no one ever knows why.Today I give you the answer."Unwritten Laws for Pizza Drivers"....... 1.Once you put a pizza sign on your vehicle you become invisible to law enforcement officers. 2.If for some reason your invisibility screen does not work you can bribe the officer with the pizza meant for your next customer.Just tell the boss you were hungry. 3.Speed doesnt matter as long as the pizza gets there on time. 4.If it is a short cut,ONE WAY STREETS,dont matter.You are only going one way anyway. 5.As long as you slow down and look......who cares about stop signs? 6.School zones are only for the average person.They do not apply for emergency vehicles with lights flashing and pizza vehicles with signs. 7.When in doubt about where an address is knock on every door.Someone will know where you're supposed to go.Who cares that it is midnight and most of these people were in bed. 8.If you dont have the correct change dont give them any.They really wont mind. 9.Always take your flashlight with you.The house you are looking for is usually the only one on the block without a porch light on or visible numbers. 10.Who cares if some of them answer the door half naked.The tip is what counts.YEAH RIGHT !! Both count....we all need so excitement. These are to be taken as they are meant....as a joke.Pizza drivers Do not do these things...well most dont. SURVEY QUESTION OF THE WEEK How many of you think survey questions are dumb???

heard from Azrael... On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their Three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" -------------------- How things would be different if Microsoft headquarters were located in Alabama: 1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders". 2. Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle. 3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel". 5. Instead of "Ta-da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos. 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse. 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" 8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Achey-Breaky Heart". 9. Power Point would be named "ParPawnt". 10. Winders95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag. 11. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz". 12. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. 13. Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. 14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver. -------------- Doughboy Dead at 71. Vetern Pillsbury spokesman Pop N.Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 450 for about 20 minutes.