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A WALK ON THE BEACH

There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights
and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he
noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to
do something about it.

He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the
sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down
and says "There is no justice in this world".

The other lady says "What do you mean?"

The first lady says "Look at that".

When I was 10 Years old I was afraid of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!
*******************************************************
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep
hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he
noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He
blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on
his brakes and stopped just inches
from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the
front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and
yelled,"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me
blowing the horn? You could've been killed!
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not
too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
********************************************************

"Magic Lamp"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
And for years and years they lived there, one day
they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough
out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only
give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the
brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss
my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was
home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her
wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my
family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde
starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My
dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my
friends were here."

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a sea cucumber?

One has no spine, guts, or heart, and its sex organ is indistinguishable
from its brain. A sea cucumber, on the other hand, can never be
President.
****************************************************************
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife.
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to
plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter,
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all
the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe
what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up all the back
garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the
lettuce."
**************************************************************
A young Jewish couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

When they got back from the honeymoon, the new princses bride immediately
called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a
terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Abe began using really horrible
language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got
to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4 letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P
L E A S E !!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell mother the 4-letter
words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK
****************************************************************
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a
shower....so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out to
the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" She can't hear him, so he points
to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.

"What?" she yells.

So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points
to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch. Her
husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house,
up the stairs, and into the bathroom.

"What did you say?"

She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate
1.   Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"may I borrow a highlighter?"
2.   Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3.   Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.
4.   Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5.   Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6.   Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7.   Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8.   Say, "Now how did that get in there."
9.   Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."
14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression
while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for
breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your
butt cheeks.
18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down
your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and
sing "Born Free."
***************************************************************
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order
five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit
down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they
begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon
their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm.

She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the
table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle
of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the
blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together.
The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51
days!!!!!"
*****************************************************************
Who says fruit is good for you...

Brandon, Troy, and Kevin who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they
passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. All three men went their separate ways
to gather the fruit. Brandon came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples". The king explained the trial to him, "You have to shove the fruit up
your butt without any expression on your face, or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he
was killed.

Troy arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the
trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter and was killed.

Brandon and Troy met in heaven. Brandon asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost
got away with it!" Troy replied, "I couldn't help it, I looked up and saw
Kevin coming back with pineapples."
****************************************************************
Todays Thought

So you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is...
You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face
was your mother.
(Now don't you feel better)
Pass this along to any of your friends, make them feel today is not so
bad after all.
******************************************************************
WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS....

   "I'm going fishing."
         Really means...
   "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a
stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

   "It's a guy thing."
         Really means....
   "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."

     "Can I help with dinner?"
          Really means....
    "Why isn't it already on the table?"

      "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
          Really means....
    Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

      "It would take too long to explain."
           Really means...
    "I have no idea how it works."

    "I'm getting more exercise lately."
           Really means....
    "The batteries in the remote are dead."

    "We're going to be late."
           Really means....
    "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

    "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
           Really means....
    "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

      "That's interesting, dear."
           Really means....
    "Are you still talking?"

    "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
             Really means....
      "I forgot our anniversary again."

     "You expect too much of me."
            Really means....
     "You want me to stay awake."

       "That's women's work."
            Really means....
     "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

          "You know how bad my memory is."
            Really means....
     "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first   girl
I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."

       "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
            Really means....
     "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."

       "I do help around the house."
            Really means....
     "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

       "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
            Really means....
     "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

       "I can't find it."
            Really means....
     "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

       "What did I do this time?"
            Really means....
     "What did you catch me doing?"

       "I heard you."
            Really means....
     "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
days yelling at me."

       "You look terrific."
            Really means....
     "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

      "I missed you."
          Really means....
    "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper."

    "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
           Really means....
    "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive
again."

      "We share the housework."
           Really means....
    "I make the messes, you clean them up."

      "This relationship is getting too serious."
           Really means....
    "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

      "I don't need to read the instructions."
           Really means....
    "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"Blondes Beer"

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what
she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which
she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
************************************************************
The Wizard of Oz visits Washington DC. He sees Al Gore and asks if
there is anything he wants. "Well, sure!" says Al. "I'd like to have a
brain."

"Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the veep a brain.

Next he sees Al D'Amato, the Senator from New York, and asks if there is
anything he wants. D'Amato thinks for a second and says he would like
to have a heart.

"Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the Senator a heart.

Finally the Wizard sees President Bill Clinton and asks if there is
anything the President wants.

Bill pauses, looks around for a minute and quietly asks,"Where's
Dorothy?"
******************************************************************
YUK

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is
full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" She asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" She asks,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.

"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go
out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register,
the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets
his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The
boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so
religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."
*****************************************************************
Married with Humor

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work,
she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless
panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt
to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs...
"Honey would you like some of this?"
"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
***************************************************
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors
don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.
***************************************************
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He
held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale
lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to
talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the
weeping Jake.
"It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all
about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and
keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel,
and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The
husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his
right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and
invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and
he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just
yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right
through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her
side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same
argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps
up for about half the night, until after about the
sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do
you really have to use my asshole as your scoreboard?"
*********************************************************
A very modest lady worked at the factory where they made the
"tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time when
the boss told her that come Monday she would be stationed on the assembly
line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty
minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the
problem. The new employee was very busy
trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control
his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll
Two----TEST----Tickles.
****************************************************************
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't.

10. I need to whip it out by 5

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMM......I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty at the office but isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

Top ten things that sound dirty in law but aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in my chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a
gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.

The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas
pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling,
take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response....

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump
again.
"Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still
no response....

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling
doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going
to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand
down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the
other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time..

"Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the
alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporises the pump.... The gas
station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way
down the block to his buddy.
He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien.
"If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"

The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to
happen.
But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs
to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough
to stick in his left ear".
***************************************************************
HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX...

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra do it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on comission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals
***************************************************************
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road
one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the
owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and
his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Bill.

Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar
and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.

"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the
pig".
******************************************************************
New guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man thinks
to himself: There must be thousands of dollars in that jar! He
approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then
you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the man gives him the
ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink
that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you
can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained
up out back with a sore tooth . . . which you have to remove with your
bare hands.

"And third, there's a 90 year old woman up-stairs who's never hadan
orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks, but I'm no idiot. I won't do
it. You'd have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequilla - not
to mention wrestle with a sore-toothed pit bull, and have sex with a
90-year-old woman who's never had an orgasm her whole life."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, after many cocktails, the man feels emboldened, and asks, "Wherez
zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and
downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks -- but
his face remains stone-like.

He then staggers out the back door. Soon, a wretched, blood-curdling
brawl ensues. From the bar inside, the patrons hear barking, screams,
yelps and growling, . . . and eventually silence.

Much to the patrons' surprise, the man staggers back into the bar, his
shirt ripped and deep scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of
three very naked and very black men sitting on a park
bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of
the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle
had a very pink penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to
figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the
couple's confusion.
"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about
this picture of the black men on the bench. "Why is it
that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood
the painting."
The three men are not African Americans, they're coal
miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for
lunch."
******************************************************************
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades
the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice
cream... when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice
cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside
and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you.
What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease
him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation...
Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and
opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing
hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette
butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and
slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the
stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs
and get that kid some ice cream!
***************************************************************
Bill and Hillary Clinton are touring a hospital. They walk into a room
only too see a patient lying in bed getting him self off. Bill asks the
doctor what kind of place are you running here?

The doctor says you dont understand this man has a condition where he
has too get himself off 10 times a day or his balls will explode.

Bill says ok doc I understand.

They now go too the 4th floor and Hilary goes into a room first only
too find a nurse going down on a patient.
She runs out and says doc what kind of place you running here?

The doctor says you dont understand this man has the same condition as
the other man only he has better health care ! *L*
*************************************************************
To all you computer geniuses:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi./gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the
statements: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And also consider the following comparisons:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
    buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
    you would just accept this,
    restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop
and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some
strange reason, you would accept this, too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
    bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more
seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would
only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
    their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
     single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides
he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has
heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices
there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message
from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his
money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite
substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese
at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries
to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective
client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of
the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend
the prospective client, the president asks his secretary to go ahead
but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she
to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the
secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her
eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and
asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers
what her boss told her. She can't reject the guy outright. So, she tries
to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry
her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says: "I will only marry you under
three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat
diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head,
answers: "No problem !! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My
second condition is a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some
brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "OK, OK. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and
finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her
eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I love to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 10-inch
penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests
his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in
Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head,
looking real sad, says to the woman, "OK. I cut. I cut."
******************************************************
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a
salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You
can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up."

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him
shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and
asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"

"That was the only one," said the young salesman.

"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll
have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"

"Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and
change," said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you
manage that?!?"

"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold
him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing
line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba
gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new
boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot
schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagon probably
wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new
Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator.
Oh, and floor mats."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy
who came in for a fish hook?!"

"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."

"A blanket?" "Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his
wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing...'"
****************************************************************
"Ice Cream"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun how many would be
left."

"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly
away."

"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I
like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in
a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was
biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which
one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger, but I like the way you are
thinking."
*************************************************************
God appeared to Clinton the other day and told him, "For you I shall
issue another commandment." Clinton said, "What is it, Lord?" God said,

"THOU SHALL NOT POINT THY ROD AT THY STAFF!"

THE ELEVATOR JOKE

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

There's three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of

the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK if you can really

grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing
it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems
that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics,
chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he
says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to
change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd
reconsider."

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if
you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking... it'll
change your entire view on the universe... won't you ask for something
else... a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q.

increased by five times it's usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

And he became a woman.

A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few
beers
after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she
does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker
suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneek into
the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's
panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention
that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late
that night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently
slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with
pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak,
so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to
the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to
see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
****************************************************************
THE VASECTOMY

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that
that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So,
the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.

The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical
procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these
people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a
cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his
ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting
on his other hand.
******************************************************************
This foursome has teed off every Saturday morning for the past
three years. One of the guys was a most remarkable player. He
would play left-handed for a couple of weeks, and the next week
he would play right-handed with equal skill.

His one annoying fault was that every couple of months or so he
would be twenty minutes late to tee off.

One morning, after this guy had landed his second shot just two
feet from the pin, one of the others said: "I can't stand it any longer!
Bob, what's with switching sides, right to left? Why do you do that?"

"Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over
and look at my wife in the bed next to me. If she's sleeping on her
right side, then I tee off right-handed. If she's on her left side,
then I play left-handed."

"Aha! But what if she's on her back?"

"Then I'm twenty minutes late!"
******************************************************************
THE WORLD's 20 SHORTEST BOOKS

20.   The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
18. Human Rights Advances in China
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
15. Dr. Kevorkian's Book of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Al Gore: The Wild Years
10. Everything Men Know About Women
   9.   Everything Women Know About Men
   8.   French Hospitality
   7.   George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
   6.   "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
   5.   Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
   4.   One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
    3.   "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
    2.   The Amish Phone Directory

And the number one World's Shortest Book:

1. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

Subject: Why Can't We All Just Get Along

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in
the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff an
Israeli got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off
his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.
When the Jew returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks
good. Think I'll have one too."

Again the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the
Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with
the Coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he
asked. "This enmity between our peoples.....this hatred, this spitting
in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"
**************************************************************************
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After
he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker
trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The
dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline
handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be
fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily
accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up
on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in,
she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks
first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long
fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he
preaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says
a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front
of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he
grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder
sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the
distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so
he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
*************************************************************************
Two blondes drive across the United States to go to DISNEYLAND. When
they arrived in Anaheim about 1 mile from the theme park, they saw a
sign on the corner which said "DISNEYLAND LEFT", so they turned
around and went home.
***********************************************************************
SHE WAS SO BLONDE.......................

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it
said "concentrate"
- she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- she sat on the tv and watched the couch
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she
put "Sagittarius"
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- she studied for a blood test - and failed
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home
and got 16 friends
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,so she
moved
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she turned around and went home

Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer break. In order
to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a
part time job at the local K-Mart.

Kevin fills out the standard application and is called into the
manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee -- skinny,
glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little
too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says, "Kevin, do you think you
have what it takes to work at the 'Big K'?"

Kevin laughs to himself, thinking "what an asshole!"
But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely."

The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman
and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got
those qualities?"

Again, Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this fucking guy serious?" but he
says again, "Absolutely."

"Well let me show you how it's done,"says the manager.

The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer. The first
guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The
manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there."

"Yup," responds the customer.

The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn
mower for that grass you're putting down?"

Kevin actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head.

"Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn
mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

"Ya see, Kev, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?"

"Hell, yeah!" says Kevin, "Just watch."

Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a
huge package of tampons onto the counter. Kevin looks at the box and
then at the embarrassed customer. "That's a pretty big box of tampons
ya got there," says Kevin.

The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup."

A moment of silence passes and then Kevin blurts out,
"Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?"

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds,
"What the fuck would I want a lawnmower for?"

Kevin winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting
laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your fucking lawn!"
***********************************************************
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a
grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my
step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because,
although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my
grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you
ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.
************************************************************
"Talking Triplets"

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were
discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this, and asked "Why an electrician?"
He replied, "So I can get some lights in here; its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5
minutes, before asking, "Why in Heaven's name do you want
to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who
keeps coming in here, beating us up, and spitting on us!"

A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he
stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife,"You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the
phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."'
***************************************************************
Revenge

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a
magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a
magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a
consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes.
But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he
will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband
is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own
private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then
reminds
again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and
points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs
the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do
this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times

what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last
wish... I'd like to give birth to twins."
***************************************************************
"Deadheads"

Q: What did one Deadhead say to the other Deadhead
when they ran out of pot?

A: This band sucks!!!
*****************************************************************
What They say: What They Mean:
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Did you come?" "Because I didn't."

"I have something to tell you." "Get tested."

"I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor."

"I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you
again."

"I never meant to hurt you." "I thought you weren't a virgin."

"Trust me." "Let's just keep this between you and me, pumpkin."

"I love you." "God, what have I gotten myself into?"

"I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly."

"Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass."

"I want to make love." "I want to make love."

"Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"We need to talk." "I'm pregnant."

"I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?"

"I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I've learned a lot from you." "Next

"I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation."

"I think we should see other people." "I have been seeing other people."

"Let's get married." "Does that mean we can do it now?"

"We don't have to do anything until you are ready" "Put out or get out."

"I feel its time to express our love for each other." G ive me head."

"I still think about you." "I miss the sex."

"Is there something wrong?" "Is it supposed to be this soft?"

"You're so mature." "I hope you're eighteen."

"Its never been like this before." "Its my first time."

"Yes...Yes...(scream!)." "Aren't you done yet?"
***************************************************************************
"Male Translation Guide"

The woman's guide to what a man is really saying...

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like
to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like
to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to
have
sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want
to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such
a big deal out of this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological
trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the
question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better
have
sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it
better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it
doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing
that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to
have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for
you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping)"I like that one better." = Pick any
freakin' dress and let's go home!

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well
together."
= I am gay.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why does the state bar prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 100,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a
Ferrari?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that used car salesman would have someone to look down on.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a
fish.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow
manure?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: When there was an empty seat.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 15 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
***********************************************************
These four catholic women were having coffee. The first catholic woman
tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone
calls him 'Father'."

The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third catholic woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he
walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".

Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first
three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says "My son is 6'2"; he
has broad, square shoulders; he's terribly handsome and dresses very well.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God...'."
******************************************************************
Quotes on Recent Events

"The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has
promised 128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky
gets a hair cut or something." - Conan O'Brien

"The news this week is hot... even my Newsweek came in a plain brown
wrapper." - Jay Leno

"Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal.
Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the
pope's visit to Cuba." - Cutler Daily Scoop

"A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al
Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does
and doesn't move." - Conan O'Brien

"While he was campaigning for office, Clinton told young people they
should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait
for. Him." - Jay Leno

"Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms
what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating
high paying jobs for young people." - Jay Leno

"You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are
underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only
have to take a bullet for the president." - Jay Leno

"Conspiracy buffs claim that the celebrity skiing accidents are
actually a conspiracy... the trees were planted." - Humor Newsgroup

"A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito
instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat
caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor's visits. In its
defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would have happened if he'd
gotten the bean burrito." - Unknown Source
**************************************************************************
This penguin was driving through a small town when her car broke down. She called
AAA, and her car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told her he would
need a couple of hours to check out the
problem.

The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so she wandered off to look around.
Entering a local supermarket, she bought some fish sticks and
some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until
it was time to return to the garage.

The mechanic, seeing her enter the garage, came over, wiping his hands on a rag and
shaking his head said, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped her bill with her flippers, and replied, "Oh
no, It's just ice cream!"

END!!!!!!