I started to write something funny about this battle but in the end I gave up. After all what was so funny about it? For a start someone decided we’d attack from a bloody swamp, by the time the siege weapons were firing half my men were suffering from swamp gas fever (the other half had hangover’s but we won’t mention that ‘eh!).
We got to Ruthenes in a mighty fine mood, Friday night was spent setting up camp then we sent out for pizza (no anchovies). The men were excited about the prospect of Scotch Battle and there was a definite air of alcohol expectancy throughout the camp. Saturday dawned fine and sunny as orders rang out from all sides ( ‘…get out of bed boy..you’ve got a war to fight’, ‘but I don’t want to die sarge, I want my mummy..’). About midday we were all set for the battle, the BBQ was hot, the keg had been tapped and we all settled down to watch the show. So the battle began….
The Knight Hospittalers mighty siege weapons went forward and fired a couple of times, knocking out 3½ bricks, a couple of sparrows nest’s and a squirrel. Needless to say it was a wild squirrel!. The walls eventually fell down of their own accord (probably from boredom) and everyone cheered (Yaa!) then went back to what they were doing (having a sculling competition with the Regulators).
After we won (the sculling comp) Knight Hospittalers and Camel Squadron fell back and started to build field fortifications, buggered if I know why but we did, so there!. Meanwhile Bladesworn and Regulators marched up to the walls to the stirring sounds of their battle song (‘…hey Maccarena…’), did the Huka and went BOO!!. The city troops surrendered.
Total casualties for the battle were minimal, 473 good guys and 1,157 bad guys got the bullet. As for Camel Squadron, 146 men had swamp gas fever for a week, 2 were diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and 1 was attacked be a wild squirrel. Follower 2 should be out of hospital soon, he went hunting for butterflies (strange fellow is Ginger) in the swamp and came across a hungry alligator.
After the battle we all had a big BBQ with lots of Scotch and Dancing girls (I think they were the Imperials in disguise). We sat around a big bonfire (Ruthenes) and sang rousing songs (born to be wild, I’m too sexy for…). Then everyone got extremely pissed and over emotional (‘..mate..your my mate, mate..’).
The Battle of Ruthenes : The best piss-up I’ve been to for ages!
Bigglesworth - Leader of Camel Squadron.
Visitor since 2nd April 1997.
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