"WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?" Apocalypse bellowed.
Dan, tears flowing down his face, lamented, "We cannot start this match
until we have a referee! Oh, we are denied victory after toiling for so long!
OYAJIIIII!"
Mokujin silenced him by striking the back of his head, sending him
crashing onto the mat.
Kim Kaphwan landed face-first in the center of the mat, having been
struck by Miranda Kaphwan. (you know... his wife? No, her name is NOT Laura.
Deal with it.) Choi and Chang watched as Kim picked himself up, a cruel grin
adorning their faces.
"HE'LL be the referee!" Chang shouted.
"What?" Kim said, bigsweatting and giving off his Mild Bigsweatting
Smile (#472).
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY!
Chapter 6: In Which there Is Much Violence
This story originally started by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight
This chapter written by W4, the Mad Author
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Jack and Don looked at the ring.
"What the...?" Jack exclaimed. "They're making Dad the referee for
this match?"
Don sighed. "They're going to try to beat him up more than each
other if the last match was any indication..." he added.
They heard a voice chuckle behind them, "Ah, don't worry about it.
Your dad's made of some pretty tough stuff."
Jack and Don turned to see a smiling and very much not-dead Kyo
Kusanagi before them.
"B... bu... bu... bu..." Jack blathered.
"We saw you die! Twice!" Don shouted.
Kyo gave an arrogant grin. "Well," he explained, "In the last 'King
of Fighters' tournament, Ralf and Clark taught me the secret to overcome
any fatal injury?"
"Really?" Jack asked. "That's cool!"
"What is it?" Don pressed.
Kyo ran his head through his hair, then replied, "A button, B button,
B button, A button."
Jack and Don facefaulted.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Kim gathered Choi, Chang, Apocalypse, Dan and Mokujin at the center of
the ring. "All right, gentlemen," he began with his "These Are the Rules;
Break Them And Suffer" smile (#12). "No foreign objects. No hitting below
the belt. No shouting of 'Look! A three-headed monkey!' No..."
As Kim listed the rules, Chang and Choi huddled.
"First thing's first," Choi whispered. "We'll take out the ref, then
we'll double-team that overgrown slot-machine!"
Chang nodded in agreement.
Meanwhile, Apocalypse, Dan and Mokujin were grouped at the other side
of the ring.
"FIRST THING'S FIRST," Apocalypse boomed. Unforutunately, Apocalypse,
the brains of the tag-team, was genetically unable to whisper. Luckily for
him, Kim was too busy reciting the rules to pay any attention to him.
"I WILL CRUSH THE REFEREE LIKE A BUG. WHILE I DO THAT, DAN, YOU DESTROY THE
UGLY MIDGET WHILE MOKUJIN PULVERIZES THE FAT OAF."
Dan extended his forearm. "OOSHA!" he shouted. "He will not be
able to withstand the Mighty Fists of Dan (tm)! For I am..."
Mokujin struck the back of his head, bringing an end to the
Shotokan-wannabe's speech.
Chang, Choi, Apocalypse, Dan and Mokujin returned to the middle of
the ring, where Kim was winding down.
"...and last, but definitly not least, no Pooftahs!" he concluced.
"So, gentlemen, are we in agreement?"
Kim took the four glaring grins and the chiseled face to mean a "Yes".
The bell rung.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Ryuji thrashed violently, trying to free himself from the stadium
floor's syrupy hold.
"When... I... get... free..." he hissed in a strained voice, "...I'm
...going.... to... KILL... Kim!"
"Kill whoever you want, as long as you pay for the sodas, pal," the
Coke guy chastised.
Ryuji headbutted the Coke guy. This knocked his victim out, but it
had the unpleasant side effect of causing their heads to stick together.
"Oh, $#!%..." he cursed.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Chang, Choi and Apocalypse crashed together. Kim stood balanced on
top of one of the turnbuckles with his "Now You Children Behave" smile (#43)
on his face. "One of you is going to have to leave the ring," he announced.
"APOCALYPSE TAKES ORDERS FROM NO ONE!" Apocalypse screamed. "YOU
WILL DIE FOR YOUR ARROGANCE!"
Kim's smile waned slightly (into #52, the "Oh, my..." smile). "Now,
Apocalypse," he warned, sternly, "If you're not going to play by the rules,
I'll have to disqualify your team."
Apocalypse blinked. He turned to Chang and Choi. "IS HE ALWAYS THIS
OBLIVIOUS?" he asked, somewhere in the triple decible range.
Chang and Choi shuffled nervously. "You just get used to it after
a while," Choi chuckled, scratching the back of his head with the palm of
his hand.
For the first time in recorded history, Apocalypse bigsweatted.
Dan, looking around like a lost puppy, tugged at Apocalypse's
mighty arm. "Boss?" he squeaked out, "Does this mean that I shouldn't
smite the midget with my Fists of Fury (tm)?"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Choi bellowed, which actually made him
sound like a trash-talking chipmunk.
"QUIET!" Apocalypse boomed. "FIRST THING IS FIRST. WE WILL
DESTROY THE REFEREE, THEN MY PARTNER AND I WILL DISPOSE OF YOU!"
Chang and Choi nodded. "Sounds fair," Chang barked while scratching
himself. He, Choi, Apocalypse, Dan and Mokujin closed in on Kim.
"Uh oh..." Kim gulped.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Mike Haggar looked up from his desk, looking at a man who could have
easily been mistaken for Ken Masters' little brother. "You're late, Jhun,"
Haggar barked.
Jhun, taking a seat, shrugged. "Couldn't be helped," he explained.
"On my way here, I ran across some guy who bodypainted himself red and blue.
He called himself Gil and demanded that I worship him or something. So I
kicked his ass."
Mike Haggar nodded. "Okay, but 'Slayers Great' has already started.
You missed Lina and Naga having their first fight," he commented.
Jhun balled up his fist. "Damn," he cursed.
A rookie cop stuck his head in the doorway. "Mr Haggar?" he asked,
"Matthew Steadfast is here to see you."
Mike Haggar's head hit the desk. This he didn't need.
"Who's Matthew Steadfast?" Jhun asked.
At that moment, a five-foot-tall man dressed in a plaid suit burst into
the door. He set his plaid briefcase down on Haggar's desk and started
rummaging through the papers. He ran a hair through his green hair and
adjusted his thick-rimmed glasses as he searched. He looked like something
that the MIB regurgitated after a stomachache.
Haggar lifted his head, turned off the television and grumbled,
"Hello again, Mr. Steadfast."
Jhun, being the less sociable of the two, turned to the new visitor
and asked, "What the hell are you?"
Indignantly, the plaid visitor turned to Jhun and hissed, "I, boy,
am Matthew Steadfast, leader of the 'Matthew Steadfast's 'Destroy Orochi
Squadron'', otherwise known as the MS-DOS!"
Jhun tried to fight back his laughter. Really, he did. For three
seconds.
"This is no laughing matter!" Matthew Steadfast squeaked. "I am a
high-ranking CIA agent, and I demand respect!"
Jhun replied, between chuckles, "Whatever... you should start by
changing that God-awful outfit. Mike, I'm getting a drink of water. I'll
leave you and Mr. Bagpipe here alone for a while." He left the office, still
snickering.
Matthew Steadfast sat in Jhun's seat and began to speak. "We have
reason to believe that the Orochi's agents are on the rise again! Look at
this evidence! It's irrefutable proof that Furbies are, in reality,
collection vessels, created by Orochi himself, that gather evil vibrations!"
Mike Haggar rolled his eyes and shifted in his seat. This could take
a while for him. It always did.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Iori was skipping merrily along the corridors of the arena.
"What..." he slurred, "...do you do... ..with a drunken Yagami...
...what..."
He tripped and fell on top of Ryuji. With a silly grin on his face,
he cheerfully commented, "Shhhhhhhhay... you're... no, wait.. don't tell me...
...you're ...Ryoga? ...Rugal?"
"The name," boomed Ryuji, "Is Ryuji, you #@$* %&#*! #%%*@#!"
Iori thought about this for a few moments. "Ah!" he yelled. "It's
my old buddy, Lugie!"
Ryuji tried to get up, but the syrupy stain held him in place, which,
unfortunately, meant that Iori was now stuck on his back. "RYUJI! NOT
LOOGIE! RYUJI! Now get off of me so I can rip out your spine and floss with
it!"
Iori snored. Then the Coke guy snored. Ryuji, for lack of anything
constructive to do, cursed to himself.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Jack, Don and Kyo watched as Kim tried to defend himself against Chang,
Choi, Dan, Mokujin and Apocalypse. "They haven't even touched him yet!" he
shouted.
Don nodded. "Yeah, but he can't keep that up forever," he noted.
Kyo laughed arrogantly. "Well, if I were in that ring, I could even
things up pretty quickly!" he commented, making a ball of flame in his hand
for emphasis.
Jack and Don turned to Kyo. "Then why don't you get in there and
help out?" they asked.
Kyo shrugged. "It's my day off," he replied.
Jack facefaulted. Don stared at Kyo. "If you don't get in there and
help Dad, I'm going to have to do something terrible to you," he warned.
Kyo shrugged again. "Sorry, kid. It's not my problem," he
commented.
Don took a deep breath, counted to three, turned his back away from
Kyo, and shouted at the top of his lungs, "MOM! THIS BAD, BAD, BAD, EVIL,
WICKED MAN IS TRYING TO SELL ME DRUGS!"
Before Kyo could say, "Wha....?", he found himself face-to-face with
a very angry Miranda Kaphwan, cracking her knuckles and gazing hatefully at
Kyo.
"You [dare] to despoil my little darlings?" she spat.
"....er..." was all that Kyo could say.
Taking that as a yes, Miranda threw an uppercut at Kyo, sending him
flying through the roof and into low orbit. Having disposed of that menace,
she reverted from raging hellbeast to June Cleaver, wrapping Don and Jack in
a motherly embrace.
"Oh, my poor, sweet, darling little boys!" she chimed, almost sobbing.
"Did that evil drug-dealing scum hurt you?"
"No, Mom," Jack snickered.
"Er, Mom... now that we've taken care of that drug pusher, don't you
think we should be saving Dad?" Don asked.
"Oh?" Miranda asked, a tone of irritation in her voice. "What has he
gotten himself into this time?"
Don pointed at the ring and replied, "Look at the ring, Ma."
Miranda Kaphwan watched the ring, gasped, then grit her teeth. "Damn
that Kim! He's goofing off when he's supposed to be taking care of those
criminals he's babysitting! Oooh, I'm going to pound him BUT GOOD for this!"
she shouted as she stomped her way to the ring.
Jack chuckled nervously, bigsweatting. "That's not exactly what's
going on, but it's close enough, right?" he asked.
Don just shook his head. He couldn't speak; he was too depressed by
the concept that some of the genes that made his parents so wacky could be
running through his bloodstream.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
"Right now, we have this suspect under surveillance, and we're certain
that she'll lead us to the Orochi's sect that tries to enslave our childrens'
minds!" Matthew exclaimed triumphantly.
Haggar sighed. "So what you're trying to say... is that Big Bird is
now one of the four Heavenly Kings?" He looked at Jhun with a tired
expression.
Jhun glared at Matthew Steadfast. "What color is the sky in your
world?" he sneered.
Matthew glared at Jhun, then rummaged around for his next file.
Haggar tried not to chuckle at the now-oblivious Matthew. Jhun turned to
Haggar and said, "How long are you going to listen to this dork? Next thing
you know, he's going to try and tell us that Kim Kaphwan is tne next
incarnation of Orochi or some such nonsense."
Matthew slammed another file down on Haggar's desk. "And here,"
he explained, "is detailed proof that the Orochi will rise again using Kim
Kaphwan as a host!"
Haggar and Jhun looked at the unopened folder, then at each other.
Both tried not to laugh. Really, they did. For about two seconds. After
that, the room shook with their laughter.
Jhun, between laughs, assumed a mock fighting pose and said, in a
teasing manner, "[EVIL] will [NOT] be tolerated. I shall now [BEAT] myself
up!"
"Oh, no! Not the Riot of the Justice!" Haggar joked.
While Jhun and Haggar got red-faced with laughter, Matthew Steadfast
became red with anger. "THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!" he shouted, opening up
the file.
"Says you, Captain Clown!" Jhun replied, taking a few deep breaths to
halt his laughter.
Haggar, still snickering occasionally, explained, "What Jhun is
implying is that accusing Kim of being the next host of the Orochi is hard to
swallow without some strong evidence."
"And evidence I have!" Matthew snarled with contempt. "Fact #1: Kim
hangs around with criminals, claiming to reform them! Fact #2: Kim teaches
said criminals Tae-Kwon-Do, making them more efficient and brutal killing
machines! Fact #3: Despite warnings that only a combined effort of the
Kusanagi, Yagami and Yata would be able to seal Orochi away, Kim and two of
his convict buddies manage to beat up and Destroy the Orochi! Fact #4: After
said battle, Kim collects EVEN MORE criminals, at least two of which have the
Orochi blood in them! Conclusion: Kim Kaphwan is part of this Orochi mess!"
Haggar and Jhun fell silent. As much as they hated to admit it,
anyone who didn't know Kim Kaphwan would find these arguments rather
compelling.
Jhun raised his hand to his forehead and remarked in a low voice,
"Listen... if Kim's involved with the Orochi, then I'm a little teapot, okay?"
Matthew Steadfast snickered, then commented, "Well, Mr. Let's-Make-
Fun-Of-The-Nice-Government-Agent-Who-Is-Only-Trying-To-Protect-The-World
Teapot, I have been authorized to send agents to watch Kim Kaphwan closely.
And if the need arises, then they will eliminate hiERK--"
Jhun's grasp on Matthew Steadfast's neck cut off his gloating. Jhun
snarled, "Listen and listen good, you pencil-pushing, paper-spewing boob! No
one is going to watch Kim Kaphwan but me. And nobody... NOBODY... is going
to eliminate him, either. If he starts acting all Orochi-ish, I'll give you
and your goons a call through Haggar. Otherwise, if I spot any of your agents
around him, I'll mail them back in Ziploc bags. Understand?"
Matthew Steadfast, unable to speak, nodded. Jhun released his grip,
sending his victim crashing into the ground. Turning to Haggar, he asked,
"Any idea where Kim is now?"
Haggar nodded, then answered, "He took the reformees to a wrestling
tournament in Japan."
"It's been fun, Haggar, but I gotta split. Ja ne," Jhun said as he
walked out of the office, making sure to wipe his feet on Matthew's plaid
jacket as he left.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
It was difficult to guess who had the upper hand in the so-called
tag-team match, but most of the crowd agreed that, at this rate, the winner
would be none other than the referee. In an attempt to bring order back into
the match, he knocked out Chang and Apocalypse. Chang was fast asleep outside
the ring, using his wrecking ball as a pillow. Apocalypse, upon getting KOed,
reverted back into a ten-foot cyborg and began to melt, shrieking, "I'm
meeeeeeeelting! Meeeeeeelting! What a world, what a world..."
Facing Choi, Dan and Mokujin while wearing his "I Don't Want to Hurt
You Guys, But I Am More Than Capable to Do So" smile (#7), Kim remarked, "Okay,
gentlemen. Let's all take a deep breath and go back to our respective corners,
okay?"
Choi, Dan and Mokujin obeyed the letter the law, if not the spirit.
They went to a corner of the ring. Unfortunately, it was the corner where Kim
was standing. And they were charging at a pretty good clip, too.
Behind the sleeping Chang, Billy Kane watched with a predatory smile
on his face. "Now's my chance to finish that goody-goody off!" he thought to
himself.
As he inched his way to the metal stairs, he heard someone shout,
"Heads up!" He turned around and got a basketball in the face for his efforts.
Billy Kane fell backwards, unconscious, using Chang's gut for a pillow.
From his seat, Lucky Glauber stared harsly at Heavy D!. "Man, that's
the last time I let you mess around with my basketballs!"
"Dee..." Heavy D!. pouted.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
In America, the land of the free and the home of the Big Mac(tm), a
secret agent's secret phone rang. She turned the phone on.
"It's Steadfast," the speaker said. "Haggar sent one of his own men
to investigate Kim Kaphwan, and he doesn't want us around. But I can't take
the chance of letting this slip by. Go to Japan and spy on the target, but
for God's sake, keep out of sight. Do you understand--"
"Moo," the secret agent replied.
"That's great," Steadfast remarked. "I knew I could count on the
Interrupting Cow to--"
"Moo," the secret agent repeated as she hung up the phone.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Author's Note: Fireball motion foreward plus CTRL-ALT-DELETE keys activates
the desperation move, "Forced Reboot".
I don't have too much to say about this. I'm trying to maintain the humor of
the first five episodes while trying to give future authors something to
work with.
Please note that I'm not trying to make Kim part of the Orochi mess as much as
I'm trying to introduce Kim's best-friend-and-rival, Jhun Hoon, and a new
"villain" group, the MS-DOS(tm). If you must make Orochi an active part of the
story, try to do so in a funny manner. For an example of this, read "Girls
with Guns" or " Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Federation Ultra" at
Improfanfic.
Thanks go out to James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight, who let me take this
story and run with it. I also want to thank ravi and Ardweden for their
prereading and proofreading.
Questions? Comments? Statements? Inquiries? Things you want to know?
Drop me a line at woofersan@home.com. (
geocities.com/timessquare/battlefield) (
geocities.com/timessquare)