Combination Background, Name-related-rants, CAPITALISED WORDS ABUSE, and
"what has gone before" section:
KIM KAP HWAN (Commonly known as KIM even though it is his surname) is the
TAE KWON DO CHAMPION of KOREA and probably THE WORLD. Two parts of the TAE
KWON DO OATH are "I shall build a more peaceful world" and "I shall be a
champion of freedom and justice". Thus KIM ended up taking on CHANG KOEHAN
(which is pronounced differently to how you might expect it to be, given
the ENGLISH SPELLING) and CHOI BOUNGE (ditto), two VILE CRIMINALS, and
attempted to REFORM them and TEACH THEM TAE KWON DO at the same time. This
REFORM ATTEMPT has been, unknown to KIM, SOMEWHAT LESS THAN SUCCESFUL.
After the KING OF FIGHTERS 1997 TOURNAMENT, in which KIM and his
teammates CHANG and CHOI played a part in WHOOPING OROCHI'S ASS, KIM
decided that CHANG and CHOI were reformed enough and found them jobs in the
JAPANESE WRESTLING FEDERATION.
OUR STORY starts just after the events chronicled above. KIM decided on
a REPEAT PERFORMANCE and took on more VILE CRIMINALS - IORI YAGAMI, RYUJI
YAMAZAKI, BILLY KANE, HEAVY D!, and LUCKY GLAUBER - and has gone on a
SIGHTSEEING TRIP around JAPAN as part of the REFORM PROCESS. Even though
KIM is KOREAN and a SIGHTSEEING TRIP around KOREA would make MORE SENSE.
With KIM is his WIFE and TWO SONS, whose names are UNCLEAR. In the
FATAL FURY MOVIE, his wife's name was MYUNG (or possibly MOON, but MYUNG
sounds nicer, and that's just her SURNAME, they never gave her a PERSONAL
NAME in THAT MOVIE (yes, in KOREA the BRIDE keeps her SURNAME after
MARRIAGE)) and SNK has named his two sons as KIM DON HWAN and KIM JAE HOON.
So far in this story HIS WIFE has been called CINDY, MIRANDA, RITA, JANE,
LAURA, and JODI, and her name changing every chapter has become a RUNNING
GAG, which I shall CONTINUE by calling her MYUNG. HIS SONS have been
called DON and JACK. Consider these DUBBED NAMES.
When we last left THIS STORY, the group had gone to a JAPANESE WRESTLING
FEDERATION MATCH where CHANG and CHOI were on the FIGHT CARD. The two VILE
CRIMINALS TURNED WRESTLING HEELS defeated the SAMURAI PIZZA CATS in their
first appearance. Their second match became CHANG and CHOI and APOCALYPSE
and MOKUJIN and DAN vs KIM, the referee. KIM was winning, AMAZINGLY
ENOUGH.
OTHER STUFF happened, but I GOT BORED, and decided NOT TO BOTHER
including it in this RECAP, which is starting to GET TOO LONG, anyway. Go
read CHAPTERS 1-6. It shouldn't take TOO LONG.
And now, after LOTS of UNNECESSARILY CAPITALISED WORDS, on with the SHOW!
===========================================================
REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY!
Chapter 7 - In which there are many CAPITALISED WORDS
By Steven Scougall
This story originally started by the Multimediocre Knight
===========================================================
"Yeah! Go dad!" shouted JACK, also known as JAE HOON in the subtitled
version. Come to think of it, I'll just call him JAE - er, I mean, Jae,
for this chapter.
Don, or Don Hwan in the subtitled version, which means you don't have to
suddenly get used to a new name, though come to think of it you've already
been doing that with Myung, or whatever her name is.
Myung reached into... somewhere, and pulled out a confused looking young
man with short brown hair that looked like it ate combs for breakfast on a
regular basis. "My name is MYUNG, alright?"
"But that's just your surname," protested the Author. "And you're just a
character, you're not supposed to be able to do this!"
"Whatever," said Myung with sigh #42 (the "A stupid Author is making an
issue of my name again" sigh, which was one she got to use a lot) and hit
him repeatedly. Once he was pulped to her satsifaction she threw him back
wherever she grabbed him from.
The author sat there in stunned silence for a moment, then shook his head
as if to clear it and stood up. Now, where had he got to before? He
looked up a few paragraphs - oh, that was it. He was about to write that
Don agreed with his brother Jae with a shout of "Yeah! Kick their asses!"
Kim, in the ring and busily fending off Choi, Dan, and Mokujin, smiled
Smile #49 (A stern "Now kids, be nice" smile). "Now Don, please watch your
language," he shouted back.
Myung, halfway to the ring, also shouted a "please watch your language"
admonishment at Don. Kim, already distracted by the need to extert some
parental guidance, was further distracted by the sight of an approaching
Angry Wife and smiled Smile #94 (the "Uh-oh" smile).
Taking advantage of Kim's momentary lapse in concentration, Mokujin started
emulating Hwoarang (being another Korean name, this is pronounced different
to what the English transcription suggests) and hit Kim with a string of 10
fast kicks. Done by a human the kicks would have looked powerful and
deadly graceful. However, Mokujin was a wooden training dummy animated by
a mysterious force and therefore not a human by an amazingly long shot, so
the kicks looked absolutely ridiculous instead.
Kim quickly recovered and smiled Smile #78 (A stern "Oh dear, your form is
absolutely terrible" smile) which was one that Choi recognised immediately
and quickly covered his ears against the lecture he knew was coming.
"Look," Kim said in admonishment to the animated wooden dummy, "your Tae
Kwon Do form is very bad indeed and is completely incorrect for a... er...
being of your size and leg length." He would have gone further, but Dan
took the opportunity to get within two feet of Kim and threw his two-foot
range fireball. Kim stumbled.
"HA! I, the mighty Dan, shalll strike with my iron fists of justice!" Dan
flexed his forearm in Kim's general direction, crying manly tears of
imminent victory. "OYAJIIIIIII!"
"KIM!" shouted Myung as she came up to ringside. "Just what do you think
you're doing?"
"Refereeing, dear," he replied. "Now, Hibiki-san, wasn't it? Why were you
shouting 'Dad' in Japanese at the top of your voice? Is he watching your
match from home, perhaps?"
"Every match-" Dan started to say, but got no further.
"DON'T IGNORE ME!" yelled Myung, cutting off the pink clad wonder.
"I'm sorry, Myung dear," Kim said with Smile #3 (the "You're my wife and I
love you so please don't kill me" smile). "But refereeing is a very busy
job. Can this wait?"
"AAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Myung.
All the fans of the Row 16 Brawl were enthralled and waiting for the moment
they knew would come.
"Ahem," ahemmed Dan.
"Yes?" asked Kim.
"WHAT IS IT, you pink clad TWIT?" yelled Myung.
"It is this! Before I was so rudely interrupted I was going to say that
every match, I fight in the memory of my father!" cried Dan. "And that the
shout of 'oyaji' is a dedication to him!"
There was a pause as Kim rewinded and played back the last few minutes of
confused conversation. "I see," he finally said. "Truly I console you on
the loss of your no doubt esteemed father. But for now I must request that
you and your teammate play by the rules, and that one of you depart the
ring."
Before Myung could protest, Dan responded by leaping at Kim and kicking at
him in mid-air. Kim easily rolled aside and kicked him in the head a
couple of times as he went flying past. The force was enough to launch Dan
clear out of the ring (and well clear of Myung, of course, Kim isn't THAT
stupid (not to say he's stupid at all (though some disagree because he just
keeps going with Chang and Choi and never realises their true intentions
(how many nested parentheses can I manage? (too many I think (what do you
think?)))))) and into a hot dog vendor. Both went down in a tangle of
limbs and processed foods, and Dan passed out with a sausage sticking out
of his ear, mumbling something about the Mighty Nose of Dan being able to
overcome the foulest stench.
"Hmm," said Kim, with Smile #92 (his "Things seem to be okay now" smile).
"Things seem to be okay now. You two," he said to Choi and Mokujin, "you
may proceed with-"
"OKAY? OKAY?!?" shouted Myung. "You're goofing off, fighting in the ring
when you're supposed to babyssiting all these criminals you've dragged
here! How could things be okay?"
In the midst of dodging Mokujin and Choi, Kim smiled the Mild Bigsweating
Smile (Smile #472) as he bigsweated, funnily enough. "Dear, haven't you
been watching the last few minutes and how I came to be in this situation?"
Completely frustrated with the way Kim wasn't getting angry and being
annoyingly reasonable, Myung responded by throwing a chair at him. The
crowd, waiting for this moment, cheered and then broke up in confusion as
Kim easily ducked it with a Frightened Smile (#84) on his face.
The chair sailed over his head and hit Mokujin just as it was about to
deliver a stupendous punch to Kim's back. Choi sped through the air claws-
first at Kim, and Kim rolled away. He came up to his feet and saw Mokujin
attacking with a glowing stick that it hadn't had a moment before. He
cartwheeled out of the way, and another thrown chair hit Mokujin square in
its 'face'.
Kim smiled Smile #26 (his "Things are becoming mildly irritating" smile,
which looked more like a grimace to the untrained eye) while continuing to
fend the two off. "Dear, please stop interrupting. It is making this
refereeing job tougher than it would normally be." He then turned to the
small man and the wooden dummy. "And I may have to disqualify both of you
if you continue to flagrantly disregard the rules in this manner."
"This is PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! The rules don't matter!" yelled Choi in
expaseration as he fought against Kim. "Referees are knocked out with
chairs, and weapons are used, and NOBODY cares! This is ENTERTAINMENT, not
martial arts! All that matters is that it's fun to watch and cheer for!
WISE UP and get a CLUE!"
Kim smiled #61 (The Somehow Stern And Threatening Smile) as Choi's
impassioned speech ended. "Now, Choi, if you are quite finished with all
those capitalised words, this wooden training dummy is supposed to be your
opponent, not your teammate."
Choi looked at Mokujin. Mokujin looked at Choi. Both looked at their
their KO'ed teammates. They looked at each other, and their attempts to
maul Kim slowed down and stopped.
"I see I have talked SOME sense into you," said Kim with his "I Have
Succeeded At Last" Smile, which is number 54, and then one of Myung's
thrown chairs finally hit him square in the noggin. Kim, being the
superpowered Tae Kwon Do master that he was, rolled with it and was seeing
normally within fifteen seconds. "Dear, PLEASE! I'm trying to officiate a
fight here!"
Myung gave up with an exasperated "I give up, he can go rot in hell until
he starts being nice to me again" sigh (which is Sigh #16).
"We shall team up," Choi squeaked determinedly. "Just for the moment! And
we, the Carver and the Carved, challenge YOU, Kim Kap Hwan!"
Kim's smile turned into Smile #98 (A confused looking "This was unexpected"
smile). "Me? Why?"
"This is professional wrestling! We don't NEED a reason. And now, because
there is no referee, we can doubleteam you as much as we like! HAHA!" Choi
laughed in enthusiasm, and the Carver and the Carved renewed their attack.
The crowd roared in approval.
"THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" yelled the English hyper announcer. "The two
opponents have formed a new team and challenged the referee! Oh, the
incredible human drama!"
"Truly an unexpected turn of events," deadpanned the Japanese straight-man
announcer. (In Japanese of course, except that because this story is
written in English for an English audience, he has been expertly dubbed
into English.)
"WHAT SHALL HAPPEN NEXT!?" screamed the Japanese hyper announcer.
"This does mean that Kim Kaphwan is now a member of the Federation, if at
least unofficially," said the English straight-man announcer. "Meaning
that he can issue challenges and be challenged. What shall happen to Mr.
Kaphwan?"
Billy Kane, who had just regained consciousness and heard the latest
announcement, grinned evilly. Once this match was done, he was challenging
Kim like a flash.
Kim smiled his #77 smile (The "Oh dear, your understanding of Korean name
structure is absolutely terrible" Smile), which is a close variant of #78.
"Excuse me Mr. Announcer, but Kap Hwan is my personal name, and Kim is my
surname."
"Yes, it must be asked, what shall happen to Mr. Kim?" corrected the
announcer. There was a pause from all the announcers as they mulled this
over. "Hmmm, doesn't sound quite as snappy, does it?"
"NO, it DOESN'T!" shouted one of the hyper announcers.
In the midst of blocking simlutaneous attacks from the diminutive midget
and the dummy, Kim's expression flowed into #472, his Mild Bigsweating
Smile.
---
"Go Dad!" shouted Jae.
"Yeah!" yelled Don.
The two boys were really getting into it. Seeing your own legend-in-his-
own-lifetime father fight brilliantly against five opponents and give every
indication of imminent victory tends to do that sort of thing to young
almost-teenaged boys. They were so engrossed they didn't hear the newcomer
until it was too late.
"Hi boys," said the newcomer.
"KYO KUSANAGI?"
"You're back?"
Kyo smiled lazily. "Oh yes. Your mother has quite a punch but I didn't go
that far, really. After landing, I could get back in no time at all. Now,
we won't have a repeat of last time, will we?"
"Not if you don't act like a jerk," said Don.
"But Dad doesn't need your help anymore, anyway," said Jae.
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, he kicked Chang's, Dan's and Apocalypse's butts!"
"You think he's too good for me?" Kyo's tone of danger was completely lost
on the two youngsters.
"Yeah!"
Kyo looked back at the ring, fire in his eyes. Oh, and fire was playing in
his hands, too, but seeing as he wields the flames of the Kusanagi, this
wasn't that unexpected.
Down in the ring Kim had kicked Mokujin into Choi, and both were
staggering. Seeing his chance, Kim launched into a revised version of his
famed superpowered Phoenix Kick (the first high-speed-dash-into-a-barrage-
of-hits super move in any game!) in which he was hitting both Mokujin and
Choi at about three and a half kicks per second per opponent.
And back in Row 16... "You! You're back! Are you threatening my kids
again?" yelled Myung, storming over to Jae and Don and Kyo, but mainly Kyo.
Back in the ring, Kim launched into the air with several somersaulting
kicks, knocking both his opponents up into the air and knocking them silly
at the same time. There was a pause as all three seemed to hang in the air
with Kim spinning around and getting ready for the final move that would
decisvely win the match.
Row 16 - (yes, there is a reason for these rapid scene changes, please bear
with them) "Uh-oh," thought Kyo. It was the psycho woman from hell again.
He'd better make a quick exit.
The Ring - With a speed that defied Japanese schoolgirls running to get to
school on time, Kim's legs blurred in two high powered mid-air downwards
kicks that smashed Choi down into the mat and Mokujin down onto Choi.
Mokujin landed so hard, large cracks developed in its wooden exterior.
Row 16 - Kyo quickly moved away from the irate mother and stepped into the
aisle.
The Ring - Kim landed, saw his two opponents were unmoving, and went into
smile #5 - The Victory Grin. Light glinted off his teeth with an audible
*ting*.
The bell rang, signalling Kim's victory. Hundreds of people, who hadn't
expected the match to go that long and had been drinking entirely too much
alcoholic and/or caffeinated beverages, charged to the bathrooms. The
massive crowd flowed through the aisles, passed Row 16, and revealed the
horribly trampled body of Kyo Kusanagi.
"Oh my god! They killed Kyo Kusanagi!" yelled Jae. "Again!"
"Those bastards!" yelled Don.
"Watch your language!" admonished Myung.
"I'm not... quite dead y-" croaked Kyo.
The Interrupting Cow chose this moment to enter the scene, and stepped on
him, causing the young Kusanagi to finally die, at least for the moment.
(Quite how she managed to get to Japan so fast is a mystery, but seeing as
that was the perfect opportunity for her to come in, she did. This is the
Law of Timing of Ridiculous Fanfiction.)
"Oh my god! That cow killed Ky-"
"Moo."
"That bas-"
"MOO!" mooed the Interrupting Cow, sounding annoyed.
"No, Don," said Jae, "you can see that she's female so it might be better
to call her a -"
"MOOO!!" went the Interrupting Cow, sounding really annoyed.
"Now boys, please watch your -"
You can probably guess what the Interrupting Cow did by this point.
---
"The winner is the referee, Kim Kap Hwan!" shouted an announcer. "And as
that match began as a match for the championship, Kim is now the Japanese
Wrestling Federation Grand Champion!"
Kim's Victory Grin (#5) morphed into his "Oh My..." Smile (#52).
---
"Stop interrupt-"
"Moo."
"How can we have a normal conversation if we never finish what we s-"
"Moo."
"YOU STUPID C-" started Myung.
"MOO!"
"This," said the Author, "is getting very annoyi-"
Yet another moo.
"Anyone for stea-"
"MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
---
Down by the ring, Mokujin was being carted over to the carpenter for
repairs, and the quite thoroughly unconscious and full-of-splinters Choi
was being extracted from the ring. Kim, the new JWF Champion, looked upon
the two concernedly, and wondered if perhaps he'd been just a bit too
forceful with the Revised Phoenix Kick. It had certainly taken a lot out
of him.
Then a thrown staff bonked him on the back of the head, there was an
amusing CLOOOONG noise, and he went sprawling.
"THIS IS INSAAAAAAAAAANE!" yelled an announcer. "OUR NEW CHAMPION, KIM KAP
HWAN, HAS JUST BEEN CHALLENGED BY A STAFF WIELDING MANIAC!"
"Watch it, jerk," snarled Billy Kane as he clambered into the ring and
retrieved his staff.
Kim managed to stagger to his feet, and turned to smile sternly at Billy.
No, not with the Somehow Stern and Somehow Threatening Smile (#61), just a
plain old Stern Smile (#29). "Now, William -"
"I'm *BILLY*, okay?"
"...Billy, then, striking a man from behind is most dishonourable."
"I think that perhaps Kim has not yet fully grasped how Professional
Wrestling works," said one of the straight man announcers.
---
There was the ghostly sound of tapping buttons. Because it was ghostly, it
wasn't audible to normal human hearing.
Nothing happened.
The sound came again, a bit quicker this time.
Nothing continued to happen.
There was the sound of a spirit cursing, which, similarly to the button
tapping, could only be heard by properly trained people.
The tapping noise came again, this time so fast it sounded like a demented
tap dancer on speed.
There was a heavenly shaft of light and a heavenly choir and Kyo's body
flickered and went back to an untrampled state, and lo, Kyo Kusanagi came
back to life. The Interrupting Cow, Myung, Don, and Jae all looked on in
amazement.
"Sheesh," he said, "being dead really takes it out of you. I just can't
tap those buttons fast -"
The Interrupting Cow shifted her footing and bumped into Kyo, sending him
falling all the way down the aisle, over the fence and into the ring. He
survived, amazingly enough.
---
In another application of the Law of Timing of Ridiculous Fanfiction, Kim's
longtime rival and friend, Jhun Hoon (which, before anybody asks, is his
personal name) entered the venue just in time to see an obviously tired-
from-a-previous-battle (staffs don't draw four parallel gashes in the arm,
after all) Kim receiving a series of staff strikes from the English
hooligan. His eyes narrowed, and he dashed down and leapt into the ring,
stomped on Choi's head a couple of times as he came down, bounced off, and
landed next to Kim.
"Jhun!" shouted Kim.
"Kim," said Jhun, "you are obviously in pain from a previous battle and
require assistance. Allow me to assist."
"It is external assistance, which is against the rules. If you wish to
assist, you can perhaps best assist by not assisting."
After recovering from the abuse of the word 'assist', the English hyper
announcer yelled "FORGET ABOUT THE RULES!" at the top of his lungs. "WE
WANT EXTREME TAGTEAM ACTION!"
"YEAH!" shouted the Japanese hyper announcer. "This is too exciting! And
besides there's no ref to call you on the rules anyway!"
"But what's the newcomer called?" asked the English straight-man announcer.
"Jhun Hoon," said Jhun quickly.
"That's your personal name," chided Kim. "You have to give them your
surname as we-urk."
"NOBODY is going to hear my last name," hissed Jhun, with venom that was as
startling as it was sudden, for it was in the Most Hated section of his
character profile, after all. It must be an absolute shocker of a surname,
so he understandably didn't want anybody to hear it. "Just call me Jhun,
alright?"
"Unfortunately for the Staff Wielding Maniac," said the Japanese straight-
man announcer, "he now has TWO fighters to face and nobody to assist him."
"Help," said Billy, very quietly.
At about this point, Kyo fell into the ring. He clambered to his feet,
looking around to see where he was. Upon seeing Kim, his eyes narrowed,
and he pointed at the Korean, flames writhing around his finger for
emphasis.
"AH-HA! Kim, you think you are better than me? I shall prove to you
otherwise!"
"Excuse me?" asked Kim, with Smile #62 (The Slightly Puzzled Smile). "And
aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"Yes, but it wasn't fatal."
Everyone looked confused as they tried to work that one out.
"And it looks like the Staff Wielding Maniac has a partner," said one of
the straight-man announcers.
"I'm teaming up with YOU?" Billy and Kyo asked at approximately the same
time.
"No, no, NO!" shouted a heckler from the audience. "This is all wrong!
They're all from the King of Fighters tournament! We want variety! Throw
in someone from the Street Fighter tourney or something!"
"The heckler has raised a valid point," said the Japanese straight-man
announcer.
"And don't you need a referee?" shouted someone else.
The points the hecklers raised, though valid, went completely unheeded, as
those in the ring had already been fighting each other since Billy had
expressed his displeasure at the choice of partner by hitting aforesaid
partner with his staff. The four were now fighting each other like rabid
fleas.
---
"Hey, you #@#$@^ing @#$%^&& of a #%%&%^*%^$$% Author!" yelled Ryuji. "I'm
still stuck to the floor with Yagami and this other #$@#^%$#%&*! Get me
outta this mess!"
"Tough," said the Author. "Just for swearing with symbols on the top row
of the keyboard, I'm not going to bother with you that much in this
chapter."
"Hey, you @#%$&&(er!" Ryuji screamed. "You're the @#$*$%^ that wrote me as
swearing with the #$%#$%^% top-row symbols!"
But Ryuji had to live with it, for the Author was already moving on.
"I'm gonna $#@#^$ kill that @#$@#$#@$," snarled Ryuji. "As well as the
@#~#$! that @#$@#$ stuck me to the !@#$^$ floor."
Iori chose this moment to let off a truly massive snore, right into Ryuji's
ear. Ryuji started to REALLY swear.
(To be continued, but not by me)
Author's... er... somethings, in which he talks about stuff
-------------------------------------------------------------
First, a mildly serious note and quick lesson. All that stuff about the
names is true. Korean names are almost always three syllables, with the
first one being the surname, followed by a two syllable personal name.
There are exceptions where there are just two syllables or four, but
they're extremely rare and therefore don't count, at least for this story.
Thanks to W4 The Mad Author for prereading.
Steven Scougall
28th Nov 1999
http://www.crosswinds.net/~sscougall/
(
geocities.com/timessquare/battlefield) (
geocities.com/timessquare)