---------------
The worst sort of employment on the planet, determined many times by large
groups of various people claiming to be experts, is officiating.
"Boy! Would I ever hate to be a referee!" the cry often comes from these
experts, who with their work now done, go off to eat tiny sandwiches.
And the worst sort of employment in the form of officiating on the planet,
determined when the experts finished their sandwiches, was officiating a
professional wrestling event of any sort.
"Boy! Would that ever suck!" was what they had to say about that.
And, in fact, they would be perfectly right. The life of a professional
wrestling referee is downright horrid.
Oh, sure, at first glance it wouldn't *seem* to be a horrid job; the
referees get to fly first-class all over the world, see many new and
exciting places, meet many new and exciting people, and basically be paid a
surprisingly large amount of money just to count to three or to tell the
timekeeper that somebody has given up.
But the second glance, and all the ones after that, would show why the job
was considered to be such a monumental stinker as compared to all the other
jobs. By which I mean: the other people in the ring.
Imagine the scenario - you, a professional wrestling referee, are simply
trying to do your job and wait for the chance to either count to three or to
tell the timekeeper that somebody has given up, and WHAM you are flattened
by the big muscular idiot who just missed a running attack of some sort. Or
perhaps you find yourself standing next to one person getting up while the
other person is up on the turnbuckle prepared to jump and CRUNCH you find
yourself planted six inches into the mat because the big recovering muscular
idiot decided it'd be best for everyone involved if *you* were to be the one
hit by the smaller and more agile muscular idiot flying off a high place
and had pulled you in front of himself. (For those of you counting at
home, that run-on sentence contained a whopping *seventy-seven* words. ^^) Or
maybe you get the job of officiating a tag-team matchup, meaning whenever
one big muscular idiot pins another and you are trying to count to three(as
is your job), the teammate of the big muscular idiot being pinned stomps on
your head to break the count. And, of course, there are those lovely "No
Disqualification" matches where you would be hit with a steel chair or a
Singaporean cane and be *unable to do squat about it*.
And so it was that when the call went to the arena's Official Referee
Lounge (an extravagant room filled with all the finest food, several
television sets, a group of cello players who knew how to play absolutely
anything you requested, an almost grotesquely large hot tub, and all the
recreational drugs you could imagine) that there was another match going on
out there that needed officiating, they quit.
"'S'what I would have done," the experts would later say. "Say, is that one
tuna?"
*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*
| REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY! |
| |
| Chapter 8 - Enough With The Damn Wrestling |
| |
| This story originally started by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight |
| This chapter written by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight |
*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"They *what*?" John A. Hazardouslay intoned dully.
"They quit, sir," his secretary repeated, rubbing the back of her neck as
she stood before her employer's desk.
"Ugh," John A. Hazardouslay grunted, running his fingers through his
slicked-back blonde hair.
John A., in fact, was not his real name. It was all part of a large scheme
he had concocted in order to keep all his businesses - he had won the Japan
Wrestling Federation from a good friend of his in a poker game, and due to
an old and completely unexplicable bylaw, it was illegal in Japan to own
both a wrestling federation and an incense company. Rather than give up
ownership of either the JWF or Ash Gore Weed Inc., he simply ran the JWF
under an assumed name. And, except for having to explain numerous times to
his mother that he hadn't *really* changed his name, everything worked out
perfectly.
Well, as perfectly as everything *could* work when the referees quit every
two months.
"Tell you what," John A. said, "until we can get the referees to come back
to work again, all matches will have special guest referees."
"Who?" The secretary asked, scribbling notes in her book.
"I don't know. I don't care." John A. said, rubbing his temples. "Go away."
The secretary bowed and exited.
"What a silly goose," she said as she closed the door behind her.
---
Meanwhile, at Fabio's house...
"I can't believe it's not butter," Fabio smiled, eating toast.
---
"FOLKS, THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer screamed into his
microphone.
"HOLY CRAP! HE KICKED HIM IN THE FACE!" the Hyper English Announcer
screamed, slamming his fist down on the English Announcer's Replacement
Table.
"Yes indeed, folks, this match is for the JWF World Tag Team Titles,
currently held by Kim Kaphwan and Kim Kaphwan," the Calm Japanese Announcer
announced.
"Yep, he kicked him in the face," the Calm English Announcer said.
Indeed, the match was for the Japan Wrestling Federation's World Tag Team
Titles, which had been won by Kim Kaphwan. And indeed, Jhun Hoon had just
kicked Billy Kane in the face.
It should be noted that, right now, Jhun was fighting both Billy Kane and
Kyo Kusanagi by himself. Kim Kaphwan, the JWF World Tag Team Champions, was
sitting on the top turnbuckle watching the entranceway.
"Kim, you know, I really wouldn't mind at all if you came down here and
helped out," Jhun said, trying as always to be as polite as possible no
matter what the circumstances.
"But Jhun," Kim said, smiling (#132, The "As It Stands Now, I Am Waiting
For Something" Smile),
"we can't start the fight until we have a referee."
"FOLKS, THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer screamed. "WE
HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT THE REFEREES HAVE QUIT!"
"That marks the third time this month, for those of you keeping score at
home," the Calm Japanese Announcer said.
"HOLY CRAP! HE KICKED HIM IN THE FACE AGAIN!" the Hyper English Announcer
yelled.
"Folks," the Calm Japanese Announcer announced, "the order has just come
from John A. Hazardouslay himself that all matches will have Special Guest
Referees!"
"THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer screamed. "WHO WILL BE
THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE FOR TONIG-"
A bassline fired up over the sound system. The crowd went nuts, recognizing
it as the music of the current JWF World Heavyweight Champion. The members
of the Kaphwan Reform Group, as well as those in the ring, were absolutely
perplexed.
"Hmm?" Kim said, smiling (#87, The "Who Can It Be Now?" Smile). "Now who
can i-"
"S-E-X-X-Y!", the speakers blared as JWF World Heavyweight Champion Hideo
Shimazu strolled out wearing a referee's shirt over his rumpled white
shirt. "MORE THAN E-NUH-UFF!"
In truth, Hideo Shimazu was nowhere near "S-E-X-X-Y". He couldn't even be
considered "S-E-X-Y". All things considered, in fact, a closer description
would be "S-H-A-G-G-Y, U-N-S-H-A-V-E-N, A-N-D W-E-A-R-I-N-G G-L-A-S-S-E-S
T-H-A-T M-A-K-E H-I-M L-O-O-K L-I-K-E A M-U-S-C-U-L-A-R, J-A-P-A-N-E-S-E
B-I-L-L G-A-T-E-S". But anybody who asked him about his choice in theme
music promptly found themself on fire and being hit in the stomach
repeatedly, so they didn't press the issue.
The effect on the arena was instantly recognizable. The crowd, Jack Kaphwan
included, instantly leapt to its' collective feet and cheered like
ten-year-old girls at a Celine Dion concert. Kyo Kusanagi, Billy Kane and
Jhun Hoon stopped fighting and stared at the scruffy, frowny guy coming
towards them. Kim Kaphwan leapt ten feet straight down from the turnbuckle
to the floor and jogged over to Hideo.
"Hideo!" Kim yelled, waving and smiling(#129, The "Well, How About That,
It's My Old Friend Hideo Shimazu Whom I Went To College With And Who Was
Until Recently A Very Well-Known And Respected Teacher In The Fine Land Of
Japan And Who Quit To Do What He Is Now Doing Which Is Living His Life's
Dream And Being A Professional Wrestler" Smile).
"Well, hey there Kim!" Hideo said, grinning as he walked to the ring. "Last
place I expected to run into you again!"
"Well, you never know," Kim said. "How's life been treating you?"
"Oh, marvelous, marvelous," Hideo nodded. "Honestly, things have been *so*
much better since I got away from all those hooligans at Justice High."
"KIM?" Jhun yelled, just barely rolling out of the way of Billy Kane's
swing. "HELP?"
"There are hooligans at Justice High?" Kim asked, his eyes narrowing.
"Oh, yes," Hideo said, shaking his head, "they're all a bunch of evil
little monsters in all the schools nowadays. I mean, you can't even go
*near* the schools these days without bumping into a bunch of them fighting."
"Is that so," Kim said, frowning thoughtfully.
"KIM!" Jhun screamed, clutching his left knee and trying desperately not to
be set on fire. "KIM! YOOHOO! KIM!"
"In fact, almost *all* of the school board's teachers have quit. It's no
use anymore, trying to teach these kids anything. In fact, I got the crap
kicked out of me a couple times by them..."
"Hmmmm," Kim hmmmmed, holding his chin thoughtfully.
"KIM! FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP! GET IN HERE!" Jhun screamed, rolling around on
the mat trying to put his hair out while Billy hit him in the ribs
repeatedly. Kyo reared back and kicked him right in the face, knocking him
out. Billy leaned down and pinned the unconscious Jhun.
"I have an idea!" Kim suddenly yelled, smacking his fist into his palm.
"Great! Just wait a second and I'll be right back, okay?" Hideo said,
sliding into the ring.
"I can wait," Kim smiled(#45, the "This Smile Supports My Claim That I Can
Wait" Smile), and waited as Hideo fulfilled his contractual obligation and
counted to three.
"So, where were we?" Hideo said as he slid back out of the ring.
"Well, as I was saying before..." Kim started as he and Hideo walked to the
back.
The crowd, which had been sitting silently the whole time, finally figured
out what the hell was going on and booed like there was no tomorrow.
Particularily rowdy spectators began throwing food, garbage and other
spectators into the ring. And Don Kaphwan sat in Row 16, shaking his head
and watching his father walk to the back chatting with the JWF World
Heavyweight Champion.
"There goes a stupid, stupid man," he said.
-----
Beep-beep-bourp-beep-bourp-bourp-bourp.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Whurk-chicka-chuk-WHIRRRRRRRR-chik-
CHUGUNK-whi-
"Hi! You've reached the headquarters of MS-DOS! We're not in right now to
take your call, s-"
"Moo."
Click.
-----
"They should be here any minute now," Kim smiled(#132 again) as he relaxed
in a large plush chair. "I'll explain the plan to them as soon as they are."
"Quite the plan, indeed," Hideo nodded, relaxing in an almost grotesquely
large hot tub.
Kim looked around the room. "This is *all* for the referees?" he asked.
"Some of your requested guests, sir," a member of security said as he
entered through the large automatic sliding door. "But I'm not really sure
you want t-"
"Oh, let them in," Kim smiled(#66, The "Silly Person, You Do What I Tell
You To" Smile).
The security man shrugged and went back out the door, which almost closed
before the approaching mass set off the trigger and opened it again.
"Well, THERE you two are!" Kim said. "Where have you been?"
"Must... kill... everybody. Must... kill... everybody. Must... KILL...
EVERYBODY. MUST... KILL... EVERYBODY." Ryuji kept repeating this jolly
little sentence over and over as he staggered into the room, his eyes glazed
with rage.
"Wheeeeee!" Iori gurgled, still stuck to Ryuji's back. "Thish ride'sh FUN!
Ride 'em, cow-Iori! Heeheeheeheeeheeheeehee!"
"Now how did you manage to get large chunks of concrete stuck to your
clothes like that?" Kim asked with a Slightly Puzzled Smile. (#62.)
"MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY. MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY." Ryuji droned.
"Well, anyway, as soon as everyone else gets here I'll explain where we're
going next, okay?"
"MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY. MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY."
"Yeah!" Iori giggled. "Musht! Shee! TV! Musshhht! Shee! TV!"
"MUST. KILL. EVERYBODY. MUST. #&$%^#&. KILL. EVERYBODY."
"Sir?" the security guy said, popping his head back in. "More of them. Are
you *sure* you want t-"
"Send them in," Kim said, smiling (#66) again.
The door slid open again to reveal the rest of the group - except Billy
Kane.
"Now, Mom," Don said, walking backwards to stay in front of Kimona, "you
know what Dr. LeBrat says about your blood pressure..."
"Think happy thoughts, Mom," Don babbled, "think happy thoughts, please,
please, for the love of god, think happy thoughts."
"MUST. KILL. KIM." Kimona droned, her left eye twitching as she took test
swings of a Singaporean Cane she had found lying around. "MUST. KILL. KIM.
MUST. KILL. KIM."
"Erm. Hi, dear," Kim smiled(#53.5, The Smile That Is Exactly Halfway
Between The Calming Smile And The "Uh-oh..." Smile). "So, erm, uhm, lovely
weather we're having, isn't it?"
"KIIIIIIIIIIIIM," she growled, swinging at Kim. Kim barely managed to dive
out of the chair before it hit, knocking the chair a good twenty feet
backwards.
"She says she isn't happy with the sort of role model you're being for the
kids - check that - *your* kids, leaving your good friend Jhun Hoon out
there to fend for himself against two people who really ought to be put to
sleep," Don monotoned.
"How can you tell?" Jack asked.
"I'm smarter than you," Don replied.
"Oh. Okay. That makes sense," Jack nodded, smiling(#8, The "That Makes
Sense" Smile).
Don shook his head and strongly considered becoming a hermit.
"Oh, don't be worried about Jhun," Kim smiled(#144, The "Don't Worry, Be
Happy" Smile). "He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself."
-----
"Check it out," one janitor said to the other, "this guy wears a *Rolex*."
"And look at this!" the second janitor said, taking the wallet from Jhun's
unconscious body and emptying it into his pocket. "Jackpot!"
"He won't miss this," the first one said, pocketing the Rolex and a
keychain.
"Say, fellows," a voice purred, "would you mind if I took something?"
"Not at all, miss," the second one said, "take whatever you want."
"Thank you."
"Say," the first janitor said, turning and pointing up to the nosebleed
section, "did you see those guys throwing the jujubes from up there?"
"Y'know, I really didn't think that was possible," the second janitor said.
"It was majestic, my man, simply majestic. One of those th- say, where
did..."
Jhun Hoon's body had disappeared.
-----
Beep-beep-bourp-beep-bourp-bourp-bourp.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Whurk-chicka-chuk-WHIRRRRRRRR-chik-
CHUGUNK-whi-
"Hi! You've reached the headquarters of MS-DOS! We're not in right now to
take your call, so leave a mess-"
"MOO."
Click.
-----
"Man, you want us to be TEACHIN'?" Lucky said, staring incredulously at
Kim.
"Of course!" Kim said, hopping onto a coffee table and striking a cinematic
pose while cellos began playing in the background. "With the current
shortage of teachers, what better way for you fellows to be learning
valuable skills for society than having you influence the lives of these
fine young people who simply need a little guidance in life? Why, you can
teach them the value of always sticking to the right path in life, and
never going astray! And if they follow those three important but simple
steps, which I like to call the three "T"s, y-"
"But this is only temporary, RIGHT, KIM? ISN'T THAT RIGHT?" Kimona yelled,
whacking her Singaporean Cane against the wall and scaring off the cello
players.
"Yes, Kimona, dear," Kim smiled(#23, The Calming Smile).
"LAURA!" The Author screamed, popping his head out of a portal. "*LAURA*!
SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! HER NAME I-"
*WHACK~!*
The Author's eyes rolled into the back of his head as the Singaporean Cane
hit him right between the eyes and he sank back into the portal.
"Dee," Heavy D! said, rubbing the back of his head.
"Yes," Kim said, "we'll only be there for a few days, unless of course it
works out really well and some of you want to stay and be teachers, in
which case you'll be considered reformed and will go on to have a happy and
worthwhile life working with our greatest natural res... say, where's
William Kane?"
Everybody looked around.
"Therr he ish!" Iori said, pointing at Heavy D!.
"Dee?" Dee asked.
"Hmmmm. Security?" Kim called.
"Yes, sir?" the security guy said, popping his head into the room.
"Find Mr. Kane and give him the message that we're leaving in an hour,
alright?"
"Yes, sir. Should I congratulate him as well on winning the Tag Team
Titles?"
"Sure!" Kim smiled(#44, The "Sure, Why Not, I'm Happy For Him" Smile).
"Sweet merciful crap, I married an idiot," Kimona muttered, sighing(#3,
The "Sweet Merciful Crap, I Married An Idiot" Sigh).
-----
"Called up to meet John A. Hazardouslay himself," Kyo crowed, his JWF Tag
Team Championship slung over his shoulder. "He must recognize greatness
when he sees it. I mean, I *am* the World Tag Team Champions..."
Billy Kane said nothing, lost in thought as the two of them walked through
the halls towards the office of John A. For one thing, he wondered how
exactly he managed to get stuck with the one person who annoyed him almost
as much as Kim. For another thing, he was *sure* he had heard the name
"John A. Hazardouslay" somewhere before... he adjusted the Tag Team
Championship belt around his waist as he walked.
"Hey, baby," Kyo said, changing direction to walk with a passing female,
"wanna rub my big, shiny championship belt?"
Billy kept on walking, shaking his head. He turned the corner just as he
lost himself in thought again and continued walking as Kyo scrambled around
the corner, just barely avoiding the shoe thrown at his head.
"Yeah, she digs me," Kyo said as he caught up to Billy, slowing down to
comb his hair.
Billy knocked on the doors to John A. Hazardouslay's office.
"Come in," Hazardouslay's voice intoned as the doors slid open.
"Bloody 'ell, I *know* that voice... who *is* that?" Billy thought to
himself as he stepped inside.
"Huh? Hey! Wait for me!" Kyo said, running towards the door. He made it
inside the doorframe just as the sliding doors closed again. Kyo was
comically sliced down the middle, with half of him falling inside the
office and half falling out.
Billy didn't notice, walking up to the desk. "So, ah, Mr. 'azrdesly, sir,
you wanted to see me?" Billy said, addressing the turned-away chair of John
A.
"Billy," John A. said as he swivelled his chair around to face him, "you
ignorant slut."
"Geese!" Billy's jaw fell. "Bloomin' 'ell!"
Geese chuckled and ran his fingers through his slicked-back blonde hair.
"Yes, I know, it-"
"What're you doin' in John A. 'azrdesly's office?"
Geese facefaulted.
-----
Jhun Hoon, meanwhile, regained consciousness. He followed up this feat
with trying to sit up.
He failed.
He tried again.
Nope.
Hmmm.
He tried another couple tries, with about as much success, and finally
figured out that he wasn't moving because his arms and legs were handcuffed
to something. After a moment of thought, he decided he'd work out a method
of sitting up later and let his head hit the pillow.
Wait.
Pillow?
Jhun, confused, sat up again - or at least tried to. He looked around the
room. He was in a large bedroom, which judging from the noises coming
through the floor was just above a nightclub or bar of some sort. He looked
around some more. He was handcuffed to each corner of the bed. The
predominant colour of the room seemed to be purple. Purple walls, purple
bedsheets, purple lingerie, purple pi-
He doubletaked. There, indeed, was purple lingerie. And it was...
coming closer to him.
"Well, look who's finally conscious," King purred.
Jhun's nose exploded in a fountain of blood and he passed out.
-----
"Aren't y' prouda me, Geese? Look!" Billy, flushed with pride, held out
his JWF World Tag Team Title belt. "Did ye see how well I did?"
"Yes, Billy, I saw it," Geese said evenly. "It *was* televised, after
all."
"And what did'ja think?" Billy beamed. "Did you see it when I hit that
long-haired Jhun guy right in th'ead? Wasn't that great?"
Geese held his forehead.
"What?" Billy asked.
"Billy," Geese said, rubbing his temples, "remember what your mission
was?"
"Yes, SAH!" Billy piped, smiling and nodding. "To follow and eliminate Kim
Kaphw..." Billy paused, trailing off. "...oh." He paused again. "...ohhhh."
There was silence for a few seconds.
"Billy, you absolute lugan," Geese said.
"Sorry," he said, scratching the back of his head.
"'Sorry'?" Geese said. "Billy, you've blown the entire missio-"
"Billy Kane?" the security guy said, poking his head in through the door.
"Mr. Kaphwan wants you to be out front in an hour so you can rejoin the
group and go on to your next mission."
"...Well, forget I said anything," Geese said.
Billy nodded... then noticed what was at the base of the door. "OH MI'
GAWD!"
Geese shook his head, chuckling. "It killed Kyo."
-----
Beep-beep-bourp-beep-bourp-bourp-bourp.
Ring. Ring. Ri-
"Hello? Hello! MS-DOS Headquarters! High Grand Chief Marshall Commander
Matthew Steadfast, how may I help-"
"Moo."
"Ah! Agent 001! What do you have t-"
"Moo."
"He did WH-"
"Moo."
"And then h-"
"Moo."
"Oh, come on, you're making that u-"
"MOO!"
"Well, it's a lit-"
"MOOOOOO!"
"Okay! Okay! I'm sor-"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
-----
WILL THE KAPHWAN REFORM GROUP MANAGE TO TEACH EFFECTIVELY?
WILL KIM KAPHWAN HAVE TO RECRUIT MORE PEOPLE INTO THE KAPHWAN REFORM GROUP?
HOW MANY TIMES IS KYO GOING TO DIE?
OR WILL WE KILL OFF THE JOKE INSTEAD?
ARE WE THE ONLY IMPRO THAT WOULD EVEN *CONSIDER* USING RIVAL SCHOOLS, OR
*WHAT*?
ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE, POSSIBLY WITH ANSWERS, IN CHAPTER NINE -
BROUGHT TO YOU BY QUADRUPLE-DOUBLE-YOU INCORPORATED.
---------------
Author's Nose: |
|
\
.\
---
---------------
Author's Note: Yes, I'm going to hell for that one. ^^
Well, the next chapter's going to be written by W4, so it'll probably be
better than this one. I'll level with you, this chapter only exists to keep
the story from being taken down. Although, now that I think of it, that's
actually the reason for *every* chapter of an impro. ^^
Now, see, I'm working on a computer that could easily be considered "old",
so I'm probably going to end up disappearing off the face of the internet
once New Year's rolls around. So consider this my final work... unless, you
know, you hear otherwise from me. :)
Thanks go out to SNK for creating the Easily-Worshippable Kim Kaphwan and
all those other, less important characters, to W4 for proofreading, and to
you the reader for reading it. And if you sign up to continue it, you get
even *more* thanks! :)
Any comments, questions, flames, MiSTings, monetary offers or Arrogant
Worms mp3s can be sent to mmk@beer.com, but if you're going to send
something to me try to send it before the new year rolls around, 'cause...
^_^
So, unless I'm still around after January 1st, Oonta Gleebin Glotin Globin
and a Happy New Year to all of you!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
- -
- James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight -
- December 26th, 1999 -
- Email: mmk@beer.com -
- Visit the Church of Kaphwan at -
- http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/church.html -
- -
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geocities.com/timessquare/battlefield) (
geocities.com/timessquare)