Before we begin this chapter, I would like to make a public
announcement.
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOT!
Thank you. And now, the story.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY!
Chapter 9: In Which Our Heroes Get Schooled
(Pardon me while I put $1 in my Pun Cup.)
This story originally started by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight
This chapter written by W4, the Mad Author
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
On our last episode of "Dexter's Laboratory," Dexter faced double
trouble when Dee-Dee's new friend, Lumi-chan, came over to play.
But on our last episode of "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky,"...
-Jhun Koon was left to face both Billy Kane and Kyo Kusanagi at the same time.
Kim didn't help because he was waiting for the referee. But when the referee
came, Kim continued to not help because the referee was none other than...
-...Hideo Shimazu (think "What if Ryu Hoshi was middle-aged and dressed as a
working man?", and you pretty much have the right idea), the JWF champion and
friend of Kim Kaphwan. He informed Kim that teachers were dropping like flies
due to unruly students.
-The Interrupting Cow told Matthew Steadfast... something. "Moo!" would be my
first guess.
-Kim Kaphwan decided that he, his family and his reformees would head to the
district where Taiyo HS, Gorin HS, Gedo HS, Pacific HS and Justice HS reside.
He tells the reformees that if they successfully integrate into the schools
as teachers, they will be free to go.
-Jhun, after being knocked out, was taken by King (the female bartender, NOT
the wrestler with the tiger mask). He woke up in King's bed, next to a
scantily-clad King. He nosebled and passed out.
-John A. Hazardously, owner of the JWF, turned out to be Geese Howard, the only
fighting game villain with a more ludicrous name than Margaret Bison. He
indirectly killed Kyo and reminded Billy that the whole reason he's in this
wacky fanfiction is to assassinate Kim Kaphwan.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Frida Kaphwan (y'know. Kim's wife? No, her name is NOT Laura! Oh,
yeah? WELL, YOUR MOM IS, TOO!) was incredibly unhappy. Ever since Kim started
his latest reform trip, she and her... no, HIS... two sons had been all but
neglected while he galavanted around. What was worse was that this gave the
CRIMINALS, for that was truly what they were, free reign to wander around as
they pleased.
She was ready to stomp a mudhole in Kim's back.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Ryuji Yamazaki was incredibly angry. Under the threat of the death
penalty, he was forced to suffer the idiocy of that schoolmarm-wannabe, Kim
Kaphwan. It was bad enough when Kim kept a constant, vigilant eye on him. It
was exponentially worse when he had that drunken buffoon, Iori, and that snotty
soda jerk stuck to his back for hours. That would have been bad enough without
the additional slab of concrete to weigh him down.
And none of it would have happened if not for that idealistic idiot,
Kim.
That's why he was going to die. And soon. And painfully. And
involving circus animals. And possibly sporks.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Jhun Hoon was feeling rather depleted. He weakly staggered out of
King's bar. This past week had been quite tough on him. He was fighting a
severe case of Being-Written-By-An-Author-Who-Doesn't-Know-The-Source-From-His-
Own-Ass-ititis when he visited Mike Haggar. Then he found himself trying to
rescue Kim Kaphwan, who left him to get pounded by Billy Kane and Kyo Kusanagi.
When he woke up, he found himself in bed with a busty bartender that was hot
to trot. When he woke up AGAIN, he was horrified (and a wee bit excited, he
had to confess) to find out that said bartender had called a few friends over
to share her new toy. Unfortunately, her "few friends" were Yuri Sakazaki,
Mai Shiranui, Chizuru Kagera, Leona, Chun-Li, Cammy, and some random lady in
the bar that was feeling lonely.
And so, when he woke up again, he knew that he'd be best off grabbing
his underwear from the ceiling fan, his shirt from underneath the bed, and the
rest of his clothes that somehow got stuck in a bicycle pump, and get the heck
out of there. First thing was first. He had to get Vitamin E, and lots of it.
Then, he was going to sleep for a week.
And when he woke up, he would very politely and respectfully knock
Kim Kaphwan's head clean off.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Just one "Kim Must Die" aside? Please? I have a lot of space to fill
and not much time in which to fill it!
Really? Thanks!
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Matthew Steadfast paced back-and-forth in the MS-DOS "Headquarters."
The word "Headquarters" was a very loose fit; an abandoned broom closet in a
moldy, dank basement of the only Post Office in Three Forks, Alabama was as
much of a "Headquarters" as three matchsticks and a Kleenex made up a house.
Nevertheless, it was all he could afford on his limited budget, there were
plenty of weapons (a broom is a dangerous tool in the right hands), and that
water stain on the wall looked like Elvis Presley.
Matthew Steadfast looked at his notes (which he wrote on some napkins
he got from "Flaming Joe's Hamburgers, Seafood and Donuts") that he took while
talking to the Interrupting Cow. If what she said were true, then there was
no time to lose. He couldn't let that agent of Orochi, Kim, sink his talons
into the youth of Japan.
"But what can I do?" he thought aloud. "I know! I'll consult my
advisor!"
He reached into a nearby bucket and pulled out a sock. Putting it
on his left hand, he looked at it and asked, "What do you think I should do,
Bleachy Smurf?"
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Kim surveyed his group. Lovely wife and bright, young boys? Check.
Heavy D? Check. Lucky Glauber? Check. Iori Yagami? Sleeping off a
hangover, so check. Billy Kane? Either he was trying to remember something,
or he needed to use the restroom. Check. Ryuji Yamazaki? He was muttering
something to himself, so check.
"Okay, now that everyone is present and accounted for, we need to
divide ourselves into two groups," he announced with his Calming Smile (#23).
All eyes fell on Kim. Ryuji's and Frida's ears perked up immediately.
Iori began to stir because he thought Kim Kaphwan had announced Happy Hour.
Kim continued, "One group will go to Justice High School. Their
regimen is strict and structured, but it leaves little room for well-rounding
electives, so this group would teach art, music and social studies."
"Szcho... ...syeosheel... what?" a drunken Iori slurred. "And
where's my beer?"
With a nervous chuckle and a Mild, Bigsweatting Smile (#472), he
explained the rest of his plan. "The other group will go to Gedo High where
the students are undisciplined and have run the teachers off."
Kim crossed his arms and frowned. It was "Smile" number 665: the "What
a Flagrant Display of Defiance towards Benign Authority. It Borders Evil And
Will Not Be Tolerated" Frown of Understated, Yet Intense, Disapproval. Upon
seeing this, everyone sat up and uneasily watched Kim. The sight of him being
less than obliviously cheerful and optimistic was something to behold. Jack
and Don, who received this "Smile" when they sold Chang's wrecking ball to a
KOF fan, cringed. Iori sobered up ever-so-slightly, realizing that there
wasn't going to be any beer in his immediate future. The rest just watched to
see if Kim was going to continue talking or snap like a twig.
"I will lead the group going to Gedo High myself. There may be more
potential reformees in that school. They need my help," he stated.
"MORE REFORMEES?" Frida shouted, jumping to her feet. She pointed an
accusatory finger in Kim's face and continued to holler. "Listen, buster! You
can barely control the 'reformees' you already have! If you think you're going
to drag me along so you can add more monkeys to this zoo of yours, then forget
it! It's not going to happen! No way! No how!"
Kim paused, gazing into his wife's eyes. Getting misty-eyed, he
smiled warmly (the "I'm So Very Proud And Very Touched!" Smile, #2).
Frida backed away. "Oh, no," she protested. "I know what THAT smile
means. That's your #2! I don't know what you're thinking, but NO!"
Kim replied, "But this is a GREAT idea! You could lead the group
going to Justice High! Since the students behave better there, it will be
safer and easier to do! It will work out just fine!"
"The only FINE part about it," Frida snarled, "would be that I'd be
away from my monstrously negligent and terminally clueless husband!"
"Great!" Kim cheered. "Then you, Jack, Don, Ryuji and Iori can go to
Justice High. I'll take Lucky, Heavy D! and Billy to Gedo High."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Frida, Jack, Don and Ryuji screamed in
unison.
"Dee!" Heavy D! chirped.
Lucky dribbled his basketball.
Billy Kane grinned.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Matthew Steadfast grabbed his left hand and squeezed it tightly. He
angrily shouted, "Why won't you talk to me, Bleachy Smurf?!?"
When the sock on his left hand continued to say nothing, he slammed it
into a wall, causing him to yelp and cry (unmanly tears) in pain.
"Will no one give me an idea?" he wailed.
Geese Howard stood outside the door to Matthew's "headquarters." He
didn't really want to get involved with this moron, but he was hoping that
there was at least one active brain cell between this mouth-breather and Billy
Kane.
Geese entered the "headquarters", fighting the urge to gag at the
smell, and stated, "I think we should talk."
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Frida, Jack, Don, Ryuji and Iori were nearly finished with their car
trip to Justice High School. It was a difficult car trip for the following
reasons:
1) Frida, who was driving, maintained an average speed of 100mph because
she didn't want her and her boys to be around those hooligans, Ryuji
and Iori.
2) Don, noticing that her mother was becoming a speed demon, promptly
passed out.
3) Jack sat next to Iori, who smelled like rum-covered stale popcorn.
4) Ryuji sat in the front passenger seat, muttering "Urge to kill...
rising..." no less than twice per minute.
5) Iori managed to sober up for the first time in nine chapters. His
first sober words were, "Right now, I'd kill for a beer."
When they arrived at Justice High School, they were far from in the
highest of spirits.
"Um... why are there stormclouds surrounding the school when it's sunny
everywhere else?" Jack asked to no one in particular.
"I don't give a @$#% @^#*%, @*%^$*@)(%&*!" Ryuji spat.
Frida whacked Ryuji over the head with the traditional wooden mallet
(which all attractive anime women have, natch). "Be polite when you talk to
my boys, you reprobate!"
"Fine!" Ryuji snarled. "I don't give a @$#% @^#*%, Mr. @*%^$*@)(%&*!
Thank you and have a $^@*%^( nice day before I rip your @^%(*#)% throat out!"
Frida malleted Ryuji into a nice, compact pancake shape.
Iori crawled, on his belly, onto the school grounds. "Booze..." he
weakly murmured. "...boooooooze..."
Don looked at Iori and rolled his eyes. "Good grief," he muttered.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
A figure, clad in a red soldier's uniform and armed with a katana,
watched from the top story of Justice High School as five unknown figures
strode into the school.
Well, more specifically, four of them were striding, and one of them
was crawling on... his? ...her? ...its belly.
The figure turned around, making his waist-length white ponytal whip
around. He poured himself a glass of rum, drained it in one shot, and cackled
evilly.
Hyo Imawano was always in a good mood when he got new victims to
brainwash.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Kim, Heavy D!, Lucky and Billy arrived at Gedo High school. Oddly
enough, there were storm clouds THERE as well, despite the fact that the sun
was shining everywhere else.
Kim looked around nervously while giving off smile #451, the "Where
Did The Sun Go All Of A Sudden?" Grin of Nervousness.
"I am SOOOO not down with this," Lucky muttered.
"Dee..." Heavy D! added with a nod of his head.
They looked around. "Don't schools usually have... oh, I dunno...
buildings?" Billy asked.
Kim nodded. "Yes, but it got torn down last week."
"WHAT?" Billy and Lucky screamed.
"DEE?" you-know-who squeaked.
Kim nodded, his smile melting into the "I'm Going To Tell An Ominous
And Somewhat Creepy Tale, So Don't Wet Your Pants," frown, which is, by the
way, "smile" number #667. He explained in a soft, low voice, "The students got
so out-of-control last week, they literally ripped the school apart."
"BLOODY HELL!" Billy yelled. "And we're going to take them on? Just
the four of us?"
Kim shook his head and answered, "We're not here to 'take on' anyone.
We are now teachers. We educate, nurture and support."
Lucky spat out, "Uh-uh! No way! I ain't nurturin' nobody! Let them
go to a vet for that!"
Kim blinked. "Vet?" he asked.
"He said 'nurture', you moron," Billy corrected.
"... ... ... ... ... oh. Nevermind," Lucky muttered.
"HEE HEE HEE HEE! Don't worry! I'll nurture... no-tear...
nigh-tool... I'll cut up the whole lot of you!"
A figure, dressed in a pink overshirt, a purple shirt, and baggy, pink
pants leapt before them. His hair looked like he had ripped it off of Guile's
head and superglued it to his own. He had his left hand in his pocket while
his right hand idly juggled a switchblade.
"OH, DAMN!" Lucky screamed. "It's one of the Village People!"
The assailant facepalmed. "Village People my ass!" he screamed. "I'm
Edge!"
"Yeah? Well, take a hike, Edgie!" Lucky responded. "We're looking
for the principal!"
Edge's face reddened in anger. "What... did... you... call... me?"
he slowly asked.
Kim stood between Lucky and Edge. "Now, now. Lucky? Edge? Let's
not lose our heads," Kim stated with his Calming Smile (#23).
Edge laughed. "Oh, is THAT your name, Luke?" he taunted.
Lucky clenched his teeth. "Don't call me Luke, Edgie!" he shouted.
"DON'T CALL ME EIJI, LUKE!" Edge yelled.
"DEE!" Heavy D! bellowed.
"Bloody hell," Billy Kane muttered. He turned to walk away from the
whole mess, only to find his progress halted by a very large man. No, this
man was not fat; it was all muscle. The man, who had short, black hair,
looked down at Billy. He wore a green shirt and pants, wooden sandals, and
what looked like a green barrel around his waist.
"GAN! CRUSH!" he yelled.
"BILLY! RUN!" Billy responded as he turn and fled.
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*
Author's notes:
Real life doth conspire to bite me in the buttocks. This is a first-and-final
draft, and I admit that it's not as good as it could have been. 'Nuff said.
http://www.students.rhodes.edu/%7Eknoke/indie/indie.html
Indie Madness
Questions? Comments? Statements? Inquiries? Things you want to know?
Email me at woofersan@home.com
(
geocities.com/timessquare/battlefield) (
geocities.com/timessquare)