"Wow!" Exclaimed Billy, "A Nintendo! Thanks so much, mom!" Billy was 7 years old that summer day in '87. He ripped open the box, hooked up his shiny new system (with a little help from dad), and started playing Super Mario Brothers. It was beautiful - the graphics were so much clearer that his friend Joey's Atari 2600. He couldn't wait for Joey to get back from Florida. In fact, Joey was supposed to be home yesterday. "They must be having so much fun they decided to stay an extra day," he thought. Then Billy heard the sound of his bedroom door creak open. He turned to see who it was.
"Holy Cow!" Exclaimed Billy in shock. It was President Regan stopping in for a visit. He walked into Billy's room stinking of urine soaked pants. "Can I please play?" He asked, rather embarrassed. "No!" Yelled Billy, "You Republican pig!" President Regan pulled out his 45 and shot Billy's mommy dead. Then President Regan did something Billy will never forget. He signaled for his "men" to cart in the body of Billy's best friend Joey. His face and stomach were mutilated. His eyes were removed and replaced with his own fingers. President Regan just laughed at the sight of the crying boy. He then brought in Billy's mother's lifeless body and began to kick it with great pleasure. "Ha ha ha!! Maybe now you'll let me play Super Mario Brothers!" Satan yelled. It was clear to Billy now that President Regan was Satan himself - that Communist Russia was heaven - and that the only to get there was to beat Super Mario Stage 1-3 in under 66 seconds.
At that moment Billy's father came rushing in. Billy yelled, "Hold off this rancid Demon. I must beat this stage to achieve true happiness!" Billy's father wrestled with Satan while Billy was hard at work, beating that stage. In the end, Billy had died 2 times, and finally beat the stage in 63 seconds. Instantly, Satan was sent back to his fiery grave in Hell. Billy and his father were then sucked into the Nintendo system. What new adventures lie ahead...?
The insides of a Nintendo system are much like that of a huge hall of doors. 100's of doors. Most doors lead to evil and death, some lead to good fortune and hints, and 1 leads to the greatest ending of all, the USSR All the doors are marked with different Japanese symbols (with tiny U.S. subtitles beneath). Billy and his father came to the first door, marked "Yoka Kame" (death and sin). They decided this would be the best door to open first. They cautiously pulled open the door and out popped a tiny Japanese dwarf. "My name is Teevildee. I hope my door inscription didnít frighten you. I really should have it changed. You see, the inscription refers to the evil Dragon, which lived here before me. Our last visitor defeated him. I haven't much time, I must prepare supper for my visitors, but I will tell you this: The only way to defeat an enemy is to jump on him 3 times. Goodbye and good luck." With that he was gone.
Billy and his father just looked at each other without saying anything. They continued on their way through the Nintendo, when they found a door which read "Oy Mah Ka" (resting-place). They stopped in only to find a kind old Japanese man sitting at a desk smoking a pipe. He came to the door, looking rather light-headed, and took in the two strangers. "I was expecting you two. You see, my job is to sit in this room, get high, and monitor all that goes on outside the Nintendo. I saw the great work by you, Billy, in defeating Satan - for now that is. You'd better get some rest. You have a long journey ahead of you. I'll fix up your beds and have some hot co-coa ready to relax you." Billy and his father rested for 32 years Nintendo time (3 days Earth time). They were ready to begin their journey.
The 2 warriors left the inn, waving goodbye to the innkeeper, and cont inued on - refreshed and refueled. About halfway through the Nintendo they came across a Japanese troll. "I am the guardian of the inner half of the Nintendo. In order to cross here and proceed to the other side, you must answer this Nintendo skill question: 'What game includes the character Wart?' " Being 1987, with Super Mario Brothers 2 not even being released yet, this was kind of a trick question. But thinking back to an issue of Nintendo Power he read somewhere, Billy answered the question correctly. The Japanese troll was rather impressed, and bowed as the 2 warriors passed.
Since they hadn't tried a door in while, Billy and his father decided to try a door marked "Ya Ya Kazi" (help 4 sale). They opened it up and found it was a trap. They fell and fell and fell and fell. After what seemed like a good 3 minutes, the 2 landed in a pool of LAVA. There was no way out. They were sure to die soon - with their energy decreasing every second. Billy had a plan! He bit open his father's stomach and used his intestines as a rope. He flung up the intestines until they latched onto the door. Billy climbed up quickly, soon realizing his father was dead. He stuffed the bloody intestines in his pocket, as a remembrance of his father. But from now on, Billy was all alone in his quest.
Billy then reached the end of the seemingly endless hall. There was a huge red metal door marked "Zox Zox Zox" (kill kill kill). He pulled open the door with all his might. There was President Satan, sitting in a chair giggling to himself. "Daddy didn't make it, eh? Ha ha ha! Now he's with me in Hell!! Ha ha ha!" "NEVER!!" Cried Billy. He rushed toward Satan, made a running jump, and hopped 3 times on his head. Satan screamed out a string of obscenities, and was defeated forever. Then a bright light appeared at the end of the room. In neon 80's fashion the word "USSR" appeared. Billy was drawn towards the light, the beautiful light, the wonderful Communist light, the light of all that is good, when suddenly........
"Wake up, Billy! You've been playing this silly Nintendo so long you've dosed off to sleep. Dinner's ready." It was mom. Billy's adventure was only a dream. At the dinner table Billy told his mom and dad all about the magnificent dream. His dad took Billy into a corner and beat him until his bottom was red. "You should be proud to be an American! From now on you're only getting Nintendo games made by American companies. These dang foreigners are sending you the wrong messages!" The next day Billy found his copy of Super Mario Brothers replaced with a copy of Baby Boomer by Color Dreams. From that day on Billy shied away from society. He grew up and lived alone in an apartment - never to be seen by the likes of human eyes again. Just him and his trusty Nintendo.
The End.