Thousands Dead in Southeast Asia

Tsunami Bomb to blame

Over 56k are dead, and that number is expected to reach DSL numbers by nightfall. This devastation is the result of a huge wave of water triggered by a 9.0 optimized earthquake just outside the tech support bank somewhere in India. Unconfirmed reports from Sir Reginald Crumbley alledge that J-Pop sensation Tsunami Bomb is to blame.

The stereotypical teenage-looking menopausal 30-year-old Japanese singers have yet to claim responsibility, but an investigation led by Cat Stevens and his Orchestra provide overwhelmingly inconclusive evidence that Islam eats cats and gives them funny names like Abdullah and George. However, lame duck minority leader Tom Daschle (D - South Dakota) told reporters, "as sure as I got totally owned on election day, those babes dropped the bomb."

The leader of al-Qaeda's operations in Baghdad, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, attempted to take responsibility for the disaster, saying, "Allah Akbar, death to Israel, death to America," when his cell phone rang. The call was not recorded, but Zarqawi's end of the conversation was seen during his announcement. He said, "Hello? ... Osama? ... Not now, du Lieber! I'm on TV! ... Yes, I got your email. ... Yeah, wasn't that great? ... What? ... Really? Thailand? I need to aim better. ... Come again? ... An earthquake? You mean that wasn't me? ... Oh. ... Yeah, yeah. Heil."

Producer Steve Karvac released a statement on their behalf shortly before I finished the previous paragraph. It reads, "Freds, Ronin, Country bumpkins, lend me your shears. Tsunami Bomb did, in fact, cause the minor incident, but are not at fault. The earthquake itself was the result of three fat men in a submarine in the eastern Indian Ocean. It appears that all three of them had General Tso's chicken beforehand, and, well, all smell broke loose. That is to say, they all broke wind at the same time, causing a large sonic discharge through the surrounding waters. This was detected by a commercial fishing vessel off the coast of Indonesia. The noise on the sonar was misinterpreted as a small tuna fish, so the captain ordered baited hooks thrown overboard. One of the deckhands thought he said throw the gaited crooks overboard, so he made their prisoners walk the plank (that is, those with a gait)..."

"Out with it, you overpayed twerp!" shouted an angry reporter, already an hour late for lunch.

"Okay, okay. The point is, a couple of the guys from the band went to help the prisoners, but forgot that they had nuclear warheads strapped to their belts for testing in Siberia. When they jumped from the rescue helicopter, the impact of the water set of one of the warheads, which, in turn, detonated the other 47. Thus it plainly appears that the tsunami was merely an accident. Also, it should be noted that their 2004 North American tour is hereby renamed as their Farewell Tour."

Tsunami Bomb, shame on you.