NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

  • It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

  • It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

  • It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

  • It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.

  • It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

  • It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

  • It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

  • Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile.

  • It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

  • It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

  • It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

  • Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.

  • It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

  • It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

  • It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

    It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

    These are just a few signs. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

    "ADULT."

    NEW JOB

    A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

    The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

    A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That's too much!"

    He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear.

    Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?"

    The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

    THE GYNO.

    A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out of the window.

    He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her "Do you know what I'm doing?"

    "Yes" she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities". That is right, said the doctor.

    He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes", the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct" replied the shady doctor.

    Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asks "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes", she said. "you're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

    GOLF.

    Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

    After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

    The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

    He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

    POLICE.

    THE ABSOLUTELTY WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER

    Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid.

  • Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Nice Driving!

  • Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

  • I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

  • Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

  • Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?

  • Halloo der, (hic!) Osshif(hic!) Osshife(hic!) Osshifer!

  • You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

  • "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

  • I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

  • You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

  • "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

  • Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

  • Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

  • I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

  • Oink oink, my good man!

  • So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

  • Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

  • Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

  • So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

  • Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

  • When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.

  • Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

  • No, I don't know how fast I was going, Officer, the little needle stops at 100mph.

  • Whoa, whoa..wait a minute! That's the fake license I use to get into bars, here's my REAL license!

    • Lawyer.

    A fellow with legal problems came into town in a hurry and inquired of the first person he saw, "Do you have any criminal lawyers here?"

    The man replied, "Yes, three or four, but we've never been able to convict anyof them yet."

    What is black and white and looks good on a Lawyer?

    Tar and Feathers.

    Truck Driver, a priest, and a Lawyer.......

    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.

    One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

    He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

    "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

    "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

    Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

    Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

    "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

    ATTORNEY TERRORISTS

    The terrorists have seized the "Attorney Building" along with everyone in it. They are demanding $10 Million. But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears.

    The terrorists announce to the police, "In case you think we're not serious, if our demands aren't met, we're going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time."

    WHEN I WAS A KID

    A lawyer said to one of his clients, "When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate!"

    The client said, "Congratulations!"

    YET ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE

    1. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

    2. Gee, I don't know.

    1. Good answer ...

    WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

    The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

    After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I saidstop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

    After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

    The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

    MARRIAGE.

    A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

    She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, has dark eyes, dark, wavy hair, a beautiful smile, athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, and is great with the children."

    The next-door neighbor blurted out, "What are you talking about? Your husband is 56 years old, 5 foot 4, fat, bald, has a foul mouth, body odor, no front teeth and he beats the crap out of your children."

    The wife shot back, "OK, so you're right...but who the hell wants HIM back?"

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