Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000 - Episode 101
"A Book Report? or, My Brain Hurts"
Original document by Erato
MiSTed by Amanda Van Rhyn
Pastiche by Amanda Van Rhyn
[We stare out into the usual blackness of space, complete with TIME and SPACE
road sign. However, the theme song doesn't start. Suddenly, a graphic title
crashes in... ]
PROSE PROLOGUE:
IN THE NOT-SO-DISTANT PAST
It was a pretty good day on the Satellite of Love. A few days after
escaping the wrath of the Observers (if vaporizing their planet in the
process), Mike Nelson, HappyTemp[tm] and Destroyer of Worlds, was loitering
with his eponymous robot friends.
"Gypsy," said Mike idly, "what's our current position in time and
space?"
"Well... the best I can tell you right now is that we're somewhere.
However, that 'somewhere' is a decent distance from Pearl and her entourage,
and that's all that really matters. Right, Mike?" Admittedly, Mike had
expected an answer a little more exact than 'somewhere', but this *was*
Gypsy. She had to control every mechanism on the ship... and she was right;
all that mattered was that they had finally gotten away from the marauding
mad scientists. And Gypsy couldn't be wrong about that, right?
Meanwhile, the aforementioned mad scientists had parked the
Widowmaker on an apparently forgotten part of a populated planet. Pearl
Forrester always had a plan...
"Bobo! More of the locals are around! The tall ones with the pointy
ears this time. Scream, throw rocks, whatever. I have work to do."
'Professor' Bobo, Pearl's willing stooge from a planet where apes evolved
from men, obliged. Pearl smiled, calibrated her tractor beam device yet
again, and found her chance. The Satellite was passing overhead! One good
shot...
On the Satellite, sirens blared, strobes flashed, alert modes were
activated. It was almost as bad as the reaction to the _Manos_ movie sign.
"GYPSY! What's going on?!" Mike yelled.
"We've been sucked up by a hostile tractor beam! We can't move! And
the Mads are hailing..."
Mike, helpless, hit the button. The alarms ceased, and the hexfield
opened...
Pearl Forrester smiled again. The plan was working perfectly! "So
happy you could join the party, Michel Delving. I have good news, and I have
bad news. Besides the fact that we caught your wussy Satellite again."
Ugh. Was there no hope? Mike yearned for the simple days of inept
villains. "All right, what's the 'good' news?"
"The good news, Mike, is that we've decided to be merciful. Yes, even
we mad scientists are getting a little sick of the day-in, day-out tedium.
Send a movie, send a movie, send a movie... it just gets *old*, ya know?"
(Mike knew, all right.) "So, we decided, since this planet seems so nice and
all... you and the boys are getting a vacation."
"A WHAT?!?" Mike was almost knocked into shock. A vacation?! "What's
the catch? And the bad news?"
"No catch, Mike. Just a break from the usual for a few weeks, for all
of us. We get to monitor the minds of a new crowd, you get a beach and
crud-free time. The bad news is for the guys we find down here to replace
you space monkeys..."
[We fade away from the Prose Prologue and back to the opening starfield.
Another graphic is shown.]
NOW... FOR SOMETHING A BIT THE SAME...
(The Theme Song rolls...)
In the not-so-distant future -
Several Sundays from now, A.D. -
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Were living high fantasy!
They finally got a vacation,
But Pearl and the gang had to have their fun,
So they got some guys from the planet’s face -
They bribed ‘em with some pipeweed and they shot ‘em into space!
("Oh gack... I’m acrophobic!")
"We’ll send them cheesy .txt files -
The worst we can find! ("Nanana!")
They’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor their minds!" ("Nanana!")
Now keep in mind these dudes aren’t sure
What to do with posts so inane -
They may get some good riffs in,
Or they may just go insane.
(sound effect) - OBLIGATORY ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT ("I never get a vacation!")
ROSIE ("Uh... er... Hi, Mom!")
FRODO ("My phantom finger hurts again...")
SAAAAAM! ("How do I get myself into these situations?")
If you’re wondering "Why the dumb pastiche?"
And other MiSTing facts,
Just repeat to yourself, this is just plain text,
I should really just relax...
For Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000!
[The Door Sequence. It goes something like this:
1 is the regular door, except for the image of the Lidless Eye
in the center.
2 is a band of orcs. They run away as you get closer.
3 is the gates of Moria. They open with the magic password thingy.
4 is a cheesy pasteboard version of Smaug; it falls over easily as
soon as you punch the right scale on the belly.
5 is a stone troll. It crumbles.
6 is the door of Bag End, complete with Gandalf-vandalized paint job.
It opens up to reveal...
7, the normal dog-bone door (d'oh). And our scene opens to... ]
[The SoL Bridge. Nobody is out yet, apparently. From offstage, we
can hear the occasional crash, clank, thud, and curse. Suddenly, a figure
walks on stage. It’s... Aragorn?! wearing Mike’s usual jumpsuit.]
STRIDER: Hi, everyone. I’m Aragorn, son of Arathorn, wielder of the
Sword that was Broken, Isildur’s Heir, and Heir to the Throne of
Gondor. But you can call me Strider. And my friends here are... hey,
where are they? Guys?
FRODO: You have to be kidding! This is so stupid!
SAM: Yeah. What’s the deal here with the costumes,
Master Strider?
STRIDER: It’s for authenticity. Without them, we wouldn’t have
gotten this gig. C’mon out already!
[FRODO enters from left. By some odd coincidence or other, we can
see him from about the waist up, much like the bots normally. He’s wearing a
red turtleneck, something fishbowlish on his head, and what appears to be a
quickly patched-together excuse for a hoverskirt. The overall effect is Tom
Servo on a really, really, really low budget.]
FRODO: This really had *better* be worth it. If the papers in
Westernesse get ahold of this, I’m dead.
STRIDER: Yeah, yeah, well, sacrifices must be made for the good of
the Satellite. Sam?!
SAM: Jutht a thec!
[SAM enters, again from left. He’s in another cheesy costume... this
time a yellow turtleneck, a golden lacrosse net elastic-strapped precariously
to the back of his head, and an elastic-strapped golden bowling-pin beak.
Hideously low-budget Crow, basically.]
SAM: Thith thing hath problemth.
STRIDER: What?
[Sam takes off the beak.]
SAM: I said, this thing has problems! Number one, it’s really hard
to speak or breathe with a plastic bowling pin covering your mouth...
STRIDER: I see your point. Just hang it around your neck then.
[Sam does so, with all the pizazz of the Ancient Mariner and his
albatross.]
STRIDER: All right, then, the costumes are a go. Still, where is
Rosie anyway?
FRODO: Don’t look at me... probably having costume trouble...
[We hear a loud crash, and high-pitched screaming, from offstage
left.]
SAM: ROSIE??
[Sam runs offstage left. Frodo and Strider are left standing
silently, looking uncomfortable.]
FRODO: Hey, don’t look at *me*. The head assembly for her costume
wasn’t *my* idea.
[The commercial sign light starts blinking.]
STRIDER: Thank Iluva... er, we’ll be right back!
[Commercials. "Acne doesn’t have to take you out of the picture!"
And somewhere, a lonely Sackville-Baggins dials an 800 number.]
[We return to the SoL Bridge. Sam is back, looking more irritated
than ever.]
STRIDER: Um... so... what’s the damage report?
SAM: Well, Rosie sprained her ankle... the costume headpiece thingy
is dead... and she broke something else too. Some kinda escape pod.
[They all look at each other in a stilted moment of silence.]
FRODO: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[The Mad Light on the console goes off.]
STRIDER: Oh well, it appears our torturers are
contacting us! Come in, evil ones!
[Our scene switches to the Widowmaker. If you thought our heroes’
costumes were stupid... well, read on. Front and center is SARUMAN, all
decked out in Observer robes and facepaint, complete with JellO-mold brain.
Behind him, we can see WORMTONGUE, in Pearlesque badly-done drag. Finally,
we can see LOTHO, in a Bobo labcoat and with a paper bag over his head.]
SARUMAN: Hello, my pasty-faced little Saviors of the World!
[SoL. Everyone looks really confused.]
FRODO: Wait a second. What are you three doing here?!
[Widowmaker]
SARUMAN: It’s simple, really. The usual evil people decided that
sending a lot of badness to people they didn’t even *know* wouldn’t
be much fun, so they decided to go on vacation and hired *us* to
take their places. All we had to do was wear these costumes...
oh, and Lotho has to keep that bag on at all times. For the more
delicate eyes out there, ya know.
[SoL Bridge]
STRIDER: Makes sense to me... but what are we supposed to do now?
They said they’d brief us, and they’re sorta not here.
[Widowmaker]
SARUMAN: Well, they told us *exactly* what’ll happen. I’ll send you
a document with the power of my Istar mind, and you three will have
to sit in there and read it. Then, I, along with my sidekicks...
um... (he glances at the other ‘Mads’) ‘Pearl’ and ‘Bobo’ is it now?
... will do something comical. Fairly simple, actually.
[SoL Bridge]
STRIDER: Makes sense to me.
[Widowmaker]
SARUMAN: All right, let’s get on with your torture for today, boys.
This leetle darling is a book report... on what should prove to be a
very, um, familiar book. "Enjoy" it!
WORMTONGUE: Excuse me, sir, but I thought Pearl was the one in charge,
so shouldn’t I...
SARUMAN: No! Remember, I’m the Wizard and you’re not! Always
remember that! That goes for you in the back there too, Baghead.
WORMTONGUE and LOTHO: Yes, sir.
SARUMAN: Here we go! (makes the brain noise)
[SoL Bridge. Movie Sign goes off.]
SAM: Um, Strider, that red light is blinking. Doesn’t that mean we
have to go to the theater now?
STRIDER: I believe you’re right. Head out!
[Door Sequence, same as above only backwards (duh). We come to the
Theater, with our heroes entering. Sam walks in and takes Crow’s seat. He
sits there, thrumming his fingers on the armrest, until Strider enters...
apparently carrying a *very* irate Frodo. This looks even more ridiculous in
Shadowrama than it would normally.]
FRODO: Put. Me. Down. Right. Now.
STRIDER: But this is straight from the show! The guy I’m supposed to
be is supposed to carry the guy that you’re supposed to be into the
theater. It’s in the script!
FRODO: Well, which would you rather see broken: the strict continuity
or your ribs once my foot makes contact?
STRIDER: I really doubt you could actually do that, but I get your
point. Down you go.
FRODO: *Thank you.*
[Frodo and Strider take Tom and Mike’s seats, respectively.]
STRIDER: All right, are we all ready?
SAM: Roger, I guess.
FRODO: 10-4, moderate acquaintance.
STRIDER: Good! Let’s go then...
> Period 7 English [Erato]
> Classic Summary 10-23-96
> The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien
FRODO: I *did* mention I had a bad feeling about this, right?
STRIDER: Yep.
> This story is the final part of the Lord of the Rings series. It
> tells the destruction of the One Ring,
SAM: Umm... I’m getting the oddest case of deja vu... anyone else?
(Strider and Frodo raise their hands.)
> and the downfall of Sauron, the Dark Lord.
STRIDER: Yep, this is officially getting weird...
FRODO: They... they said it was a book report... maybe a history
book?
SAM: Uh oh.
> The book starts with Gandalf and Peregrin Took, generally called Pippin,
FRODO: Poor guy, always getting Phillip Pirrip’s mail by mistake.
> traveling to the city of Minas Tirith,
STRIDER: Visit beautiful Minas Tirith! Conveniently
located...
> in the realm of Gondor,
STRIDER: Yep! In the scenic realm of Gondor! Book your passage today!
SAM: Cheater.
> and ends with the hobbits once again living in the Shire.
FRODO: Hey, speak for yourself!
> When the book opens, Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey,
SAM: Nice to see Gandalf finally took his robes to the cleaners...
> and Pippin are riding to Minas Tirith so Gandalf can go to the lord's
> council and learn what he can, particularly about the Enemy.
STRIDER: Well, what else would he be learning about? Cookie recipes?
> During this time, Frodo Baggins
(All do a little ‘doo-do-doo-dooo!’ fanfare.)
> and Sam Gamgee,
(More fanfare.)
> also called Samwise periodically throughout,
STRIDER: Samwise?!? Your parents actually named you Samwise?!
SAM: Well, yes, of course...
STRIDER: Let me ask... did they hate you?
SAM: Hey!
> are on their way to Mount Doom in Mordor to destroy the Ring.
FRODO: What else would we have gone to Mount Doom for? To ask for a
cup of lava?
SAM: Well, you’d probably need it for the cookie recipes Gandalf
would be getting from Minas Tirith.
> Also, during this time, Meriadoc Brandybuck, generally called Merry,
STRIDER: Sheesh... first Samwise, now Meriadoc... do all hobbit
parents loathe their children?
(Sam grumbles unintelligibly about Big Folk.)
> is with Aragorn,
(More fanfare.)
> a friend the Company met in a Bree-land
FRODO: Bree-land. Noun. Land around Bree.
SAM: Thank you, Master Obvious.
> tavern in the first book.
> At Minas Tirith, Aragorn finds the White Tree, and the Gates are
> restored by the dwarves, including Gimli, the son of Gloin, who was part
> of Bilbo's company in The Hobbit.
STRIDER: This is bad... I personally know of this event and I still
have no idea what that sentence is trying to say.
> When Pippin first saw the Tree, he remembered Gandalf's words about it:
> seven stars and seven stones and one white tree.
STRIDER: Quickfire poetry jam!
FRODO: One Ring to rule them all, one Ring to find them...
SAM: Old Tom Bombadil was a merry fellow...
FRODO: There was a merry passenger, a messenger, a mariner...
SAM: Grey as a mouse, big as a house, nose like a snake, I make the
earth shake...
FRODO: Look, there is Fastitocalon! An island good to land upon...
SAM: You go to find the Mewlips... and the Mewlips feed!
STRIDER: Nicely done! Now, back to the riffing.
> Both deeds are of great use, particularly the Tree.
FRODO: Wasn’t the Tree an item, not a deed?
SAM: Shh... don’t anger whoever wrote this...
> Currently, Frodo and Sam are in Mordor, no longer being led by Gollum.
SAM: And whose bright idea was hiring Gollum in the first place?
FRODO: Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time!
> At the beginning of the chapter, Sam Gamgee is alone,
SAM: And everything I loved.. I loved *alone*.
STRIDER: Ah, that’s better. Some proper literature instead of
history in this ‘book report’.
> and is looking for Frodo Baggins
(More fanfare from our peanut gallery.)
> who has been taken by the orcs.
FRODO: Oh yeah, I got those stuck-in-Mordor, Ring-bearer,
burden-growing-ever-heavier, captured-by-some-bloody-orcs blues!!
SAM: I can dig it.
> When he reaches the Tower of Cirith Ungul
(All snicker.)
STRIDER: Did the author not have a dictionary or an atlas handy, or
what?
> where Frodo is, he knows he can't enter because of the Two Watchers,
> evilly magical,
SAM: Oh, no, I expected the strongest magic of the
Light to be present in a couple of statues in darkest Mordor!
> ugly, three-headed
STRIDER:
Yes, that's right, we'll kill the hobbit, and then we'll have tea.
But no biscuits.
> and three-bodied
(Frodo does some counting on his remaining fingers.)
FRODO: Three heads and three bodies... but there are two of them...
Sam, what was up? Did they like share that other head-body set, or
what?
SAM: (shrugs) I didn’t take any pictures, sorry.
> stone statues with black jewels for eyes. To pass them, Sam takes the
> Phial of Galadriel, given to him by the elf Lady Galadriel
STRIDER: Whoa! The Phial of Galadriel was originally owned by
Galadriel? Who’d have guessed?
FRODO: All right, we get the idea. Captain Obvious wrote this thing.
Let’s move on.
> in her homeland Lothlorien, where he also obtained lembas,
SAM: ... directly from the Quenya root word meaning ‘Twinkies’.
> a type of bread
STRIDER: ... like Cram!
ALL: Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, glorious Cram!
> which is part of the meager food supply shared between Sam and Frodo.
> Doing this, he gets inside,
SAM: Oh, look, we return from our fabulous conversation on bread to
my adventures! What a deft segue!
> but sets off a sort of alarm, however, nothing happens to Sam because of it.
FRODO: So... if it didn’t do anything, why mention it?
> While climbing the stairs to the top of the tower, Sam is singing tunes
> from the Shire,
SAM: Every sperm is sacred...
STRIDER: Sam, does the phrase 'I’m going to wring your scrawny Kuduk
neck if you don’t shut up' mean anything to you?
SAM: Oh, never mind, you ruined the joke.
> and is clutching the Ring, which he intends to return to Frodo once he
> finds him, because the Ring is quite a burden, not exactly heavy, but very
> evil and tiring.
FRODO: *Not* *exactly* *heavy*?? Then YOU carry it!!!
(begins sobbing) Oh, Mommy...
STRIDER: It’s OK. I think we get a break soon.
FRODO: (stops sniffling) Re... really? Oh, that's better.
> While climbing the stairs, poor Sam
SAM: Hey! My family and I never sunk below lower middle
class!
FRODO: I like you proles. You're silly.
> encounters an orc, but defeats him.
STRIDER: Well, yippe ki-yo ki-yay, mamajama.
> Eventually, he finds poor Frodo,
SAM: All right, stop it with the ‘poor’ rubbish. The Bagginses
always were well-to-do, by their very definition.
STRIDER: You kept track?
> who has been stripped
(Frodo starts sobbing again and ducks under his seat in bomb-drill
position.)
SAM: Master Frodo, what’s wrong?
FRODO: I... I... afraid... of... upcoming... scene... mommmmmyyyyy!
(He sobs some more.)
> of everything and cruelly whipped by the orcs. He thinks Sam is a dream at
> first, but soon learns he is not.
SAM: I’m not a dream, I just play one on T.V.
> When they leave, Sam clothes Frodo in orc-gear, folds up his grey
> elven-cloak, and puts on a black orc-cloak;
STRIDER: Hehe... those pesky orcs and their fashion sense.
> he also gives Frodo a password: Elbereth, an elven word no orc would say.
FRODO: But then again, there weren’t very many
short, fair-skinned, furry-footed, cockney-accented orcs running
around Mordor, were there?? And is that the end of the scene?
STRIDER: Yep, that’s it. Might you return to the land of the living
now?
(Frodo climbs out from under his seat and takes his place again.
Noone says anything.)
> On their journey, they try to save the lembas,
FRODO: Not to mention saving the world from the Great Danger and all
that.
STRIDER: You know, you can save those lembas 55% longer in a Ziploc
freezer bag!
> and once they reach Mount Doom,
SAM: Recently renamed Mount HappySunnyFunPark in a last-ditch
attempt to attract tourism.
> where the Ring was forged,
STRIDER: Hey... this Ring is signed "Sauron’s Mother"!
> they once again encounter Gollum,
FRODO: The bad news is that Gollum was following us. The good news
is that we had a groupie!
SAM: Has anyone ever told you that you get stupid when you try to be
optimistic?
> who still lusts for the Ring.
STRIDER: Saying something there would be just wrong.
> Inside Mount Doom, Frodo slips the Ring on and becomes invisible.
SAM: I notice the whole megalomania thing was tastefully left
unmentioned.
FRODO: You’ll die for that, peon!
> All the same, he and Gollum begin to fight
SAM: ... and the Uruk-Hai begin to place side bets...
> until Gollum bites off the Ring, which still has one of Frodo's fingers in
> it.
STRIDER: Isn’t that a tactful way of saying he...
FRODO: DON’T SAY IT!!
> Dancing with joy,
SAM: Hey dol dilly dol... wahahahahaha!
> Gollum accidently falls into the fires of Mount Doom, destroying himself
> and the Ring,
STRIDER: Smeagol fall down go boom.
> the task Frodo was to do.
FRODO: Hey, I did it! Up until that last scene... really
I did... I even made speeches and stuff... oh, never mind.
> This caused the fall of Sauron and the end of Mordor and the evil darkness
> from it.
STRIDER: Hello, you’ve just saved the world from a great and
omnipotent source of evil using will, pluck, and remarkably annoying
folksongs. What are you going to do now?
SAM: I’m going to Disney World!
> Afterwards, the hobbits re-unite,
STRIDER: And there was much rejoicing.
HOBBITS: Rah.
> and say good-bye to all of their friends, such as Aragorn,
SAM: Well, if we’d known that he was gonna send us up here, we’d
probably have said much quicker goodbyes and then run away.
> Treebeard the Ent,
FRODO: Ask not for Hoom the bell tolls...
STRIDER: That pun needs to be put out of its misery.
> Gandalf, and many others.
SAM: Including Bob and Judy von Eomund. If you’re out there, guys -
hi!
> On their way to the Shire, they stop at the House of Elrond,
STRIDER: I.H.O.E. - the International House of Elrond. Serving
quality Elronds for over an Age.
> where Bilbo Baggins,
FRODO: Ring-Bearer, author, adventurer, riddler, and maker of some
bitchin’ waffles.
> Frodo's uncle,
SAM: Well, wasn’t it more like second cousin or something?
FRODO: I think so... but it just wouldn’t have fit to call him
‘Second-Cousin-or-Something Bilbo’.
> is a guest, and was celebrating his 129th birthday
FRODO: Wait! That’s just *wrong*.
STRIDER: Why? It seems to be perfectly clean to me...
FRODO: No, no, no! ‘Wrong’ as in ‘factually incorrect’, you putz.
> the day after they arrived. Bilbo gave presents to the hobbits: his
> mithril-coat, Sting, and a book to Frodo,
STRIDER: Ah, retroactive presents, I see.
> a bag of gold to Sam,
SAM: I never did quite make sense of that. Do I look dwarfy, or what?
FRODO: I don’t know. Say ‘thud’.
SAM: Thud.
FRODO: No, not particularly dwarfy. You can’t thud right.
> and pipes to Pippin and Merry.
> Once they returned to the Shire,
STRIDER: They were sick of Merry constantly asking whether or not
they were there yet...
> many things had changed, due to the Chief, Lotho,
LOTHO: And don’t
you forget it!
> Shiriffs, and ruffians. However, Lotho is killed,
LOTHO: WHAT??? Why wasn’t I informed of this????
AAAAAAHHH!
(Everyone in the theater snickers.)
> and things essentially become "normal".
STRIDER: Wasn’t there like the last battle of the War or something?
SAM: Apparently not anymore, there wasn’t.
> The hobbits then go back to family and friends,
(Frodo sighs.)
> and lead their own lives once more,
SAM: What were we for the rest of the story? Simulacra?
> still being friends, though. In fact, Sam Gamgee marries Rose Cotton
(Frodo sighs again.)
SAM: Still bummed about the whole no-girlfriend thing, Frodo?
FRODO: I thought I told you not to bring that up!!
SAM: Oh yes, poor little Frodo, so touchy...
(Frodo growls unintelligibly.)
STRIDER: Play nice, boys.
> and has a daughter named Elanor, after the lovely yellow flowers he saw in
> Lothlorien. He also has more children, but they aren't in this book.
FRODO: They didn’t pass the minimum intelligence test.
SAM: I swear, you’ll pay for that!
STRIDER: LOOK! I know you two have a lot of unresolved issues, but
can we keep it out of the theater for a while, please?!
SAM: All right, seeing as it’s time to leave the theater anyway...
[They file out.]
[Reverse Door Sequence... see beginning.]
[SoL Bridge. Strider is in the center, looking rather nervous.]
STRIDER: Hi there. Shhh... I’m trying not to make any
trouble. They’re on a weird streak again.
[Frodo and Sam rush by and offstage right, very quickly. In fact, we
don’t see them at all... we can only get the vague impression that they’ve
passed.]
[A typical MST fight scene commences. Think: everything just
offstage, except for the occasional flailing appendage and scrap of clothing
thrown in our direction. Suddenly, with no warning, Frodo’s fishbowl flies
in from right and hits Strider in the arm.]
STRIDER: Ow! Hey! If you two are going to kill each other, could you
at least try to prevent civilian casualties?
[Frodo and Sam run by again, in much the same way, although this time
they’re going left. Strider picks up the fishbowl and puts it on the
countertop.]
[Another fight scene. This time, it’s Sam’s lacrosse net that goes
flying and hits Strider.]
[Suddenly, we hear a high, piercing scream from offstage left.]
ROSIE: Listen, you two, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! I don’t care
who said what to whom! Get out there and do your costume show thingy!
[Slowly, Frodo and Sam walk out from stage left. Sam has a black eye,
and Frodo is holding a slowly reddening handkerchief to his nose.]
STRIDER: Well, I guess she told you about the value of not getting
into large-scale fights while Cambot is watching, eh?
FRODO: Something like that, yes.
STRIDER: OK, then why don’t you take this commercial break to clean
up and get your costumes back in shape.
SAM and FRODO: Yes, Strider.
STRIDER: We’ll be right back.
[Commercials. Got pesky orc blood on your favorite shirt? Get
Orc-Blood-B-Gone, from SpumCo! Endorsed by Boromir shortly before he died. We
swear. You can trust us.]
[We return with our heroes already in place in the theater.]
> Period 7 English [Erato]
> Classic Evaluation 10-23-96
STRIDER: Wow, deja vu!
> I think this book, The Return of the King, has been considered a
> classic because it is a book that can be loved through several ages.
FRODO: The First, Second, Third and Fourth Ages?
> Also, the wording of the book is more medieval to Elizabethan English,
> rather than the slangy English of today.
SAM: Yes... just be grateful I decided not to do my dialect today.
> Many types of "classics", such as Shakespearean works, are written in a
> similar manner of wording.
FRODO: As the summer brightness yields
to fall / so must the very spirits of us all. As clear bright skies
yield to gentle rain / so must this "book report" cause us deep pain.
SAM: I dig, I dig.
> It is a book with the classic theme of good vs. evil, in this case, Frodo
> against the Ring and Sauron, the Dark Lord.
STRIDER: Um, report, it wasn’t just him.
SAM: Yeah... if it’d had just been Frodo against the Dark Lord, we’d
all be dead right now!
FRODO: Be quiet, you.
> It also had enough fantasy to seem unreal,
SAM: Umm...
> and enough reality to make it seem possible,
STRIDER: Well, I’d *hope* so. Funny how our lives might have some
basis in reality, isn’t it?
> combined to make a thrilling, classical tale.
FRODO: Suddenly, I’m getting that feeling that, if we continue
reading this, some kind of paradox is going to occur and kill us all.
SAM: Oh, we wish.
> I truly loved the book, because I adore fantasy.
STRIDER: Ummm... how do I say this politely... it’s NOT fantasy!
> My own writing masterpieces
SAM: One thing I know: if a writer calls their own work a masterpiece,
it’s usually not true.
FRODO: And I believe this isn’t an exception.
> are filled with it. However, in order to completely understand the book,
> one should read the following in order:
STRIDER: Oh, please, not a required reading list! Haven’t we had
enough pain and suffering for today?
> The Hobbit, The Fellowship of the Ring, and The Two Towers, all by
> J.R.R. Tolkien.
FRODO: This Tolkien guy... is he a journalist, or what?
> These are the preceding books to The Return of the King. The Hobbit
SAM: Um, there’s more than one hobbit. At least there was when I
last checked.
> doesn't necessarily have to be read, but should be because it tells how
> the Ring was obtained,
STRIDER: Well, you *could* always just send in 3000 box tops from
Melkor Flakes...
FRODO: Melkor Flakes! They
stay crunchy even in elf blood.
> and gives better understanding to Bilbo and his adventure, often referred
> to in The Return of the King, as well as the other books.
SAM: I see Captain Obvious decided to pay us a visit again.
> However, it is a definite necessity to read the other books, or else the
> reader will not understand the story at all.
FRODO: How many times do I need to say it... there isn’t any ‘story’
about it! Although I wish some of it was... oh, Iluvatar, my head
hurts... (whimpers softly)
> I myself have read all the books, so I have a decent understanding of the
> story. I think everyone should be able to read all these wonderful books.
SAM: Except for those pesky illiterates!
Stupid illiterates!
STRIDER: Guys... it’s over. Let’s go.
FRODO: Owie... did we bring any painkillers? I need some painkillers
about now...
(They file out of the theater.)
[SoL. All three are standing around, looking fairly dazed.]
FRODO: So, let me get this straight... we were reading a
*book report*?!
STRIDER: Um, yeah.
FRODO: On a work of *fiction*?!
STRIDER: I think so...
FRODO: And yet... Aaaaah! (He moans softly) I feel as if my head’s
going to explode...
SAM: Oh, you’re lucky. I feel as if the universe, faced with this
paradox, is going to unravel around me. Or something. I’m *sooo*
confused...
[Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Rosie enters from left. Her costume
is slightly less ridiculous than the others’, if just because she’s had the
entire experiment to refine it. Basically, it’s shapeless and purple. She has
a small flashlight mounted on her head.]
SAM: ... Rosie?! Oh,
thank Eru you’re all right!
[He walks over to her, and they hug. Vaguely cheery music plays in
the background. Meanwhile, Frodo and Strider are standing alone, staring at
the ceiling in a desperate attempt not to look stilted. It fails miserably.]
STRIDER: Uh... er... how ‘bout
them Huskers?
[The music stops. Rosie and Sam turn and look at Strider
questioningly.]
ROSIE: Boy, you sure know how to spoil the Sentimental Scene, don’t
you?
STRIDER: Oopsie.
ROSIE: Anyway, I came out to read something... I found this under
the bed in our room. Eru, whoever kept that place up was a packrat.
Oh well. Anyway, I’ve edited it a bit... here goes...
[Rosie takes out a small slip of paper from a pocket, unfolds it, and
begins to read.]
ROSIE: "And they learned too late that hobbit was a
feeling creature..."
[The Mad Light goes off, unnoticed. Never mind, we’ll cut to the Mads
anyway.]
[The Widowmaker. Saruman is glaring at Wormtongue and Lotho... who
appear to be discussing something.]
LOTHO: Y’know, you killed me.
That *really* hurt my feelings. And then, I have to learn about it
now... maybe you could have told me earlier?
WORMTONGUE: Well... admittedly, I could have, but you
know what a procrastinator I am... I’m sorry, that’s really no
excuse. I’m horribly sorry I didn’t tell you earlier I killed you;
if you ever die again by my hands, rest assured that you’ll be the
first to know.
LOTHO: (smiles - we can vaguely see it under his bag) Thank you,
Grima! You can’t believe what that means to me!
SARUMAN: Ye Valar! I can’t take it anymore! You
ninnies are VILLAINS! You don’t TALK through your problems and reach
SOLUTIONS! When you’re a villain, you solve problems using
meaningless, gratuitous violence!!
[We pause as Wormtongue and Lotho absorb this bit of wisdom.]
WORMTONGUE: Oh my. I do suppose you’re right. Shall
we get down to the violence, Lotho?
LOTHO: (sighs) I guess so. No good putting it off.
[They exit left. Another MST-type fight scene starts. You can get
the idea from the sound effects ("Um, ergh, or something", "Ughhh... um,
line?") that their hearts aren’t in it. After a short while, a paper bag
that we recognize as Lotho’s comes flying into the scene and lands near
Saruman, breaking his revery.]
SARUMAN: (picking up the bag) What the..?! Oh, no, *please* don’t
tell me...
[We hear Wormtongue screaming from offstage left. Unlike the rest of
the fight scene, this is completely authentic.]
SARUMAN: Oh, poopie. Where’s the stunt-Grima?
[The credits roll...
... and the view pans back until we can see that everything we’ve
been watching has been seen through a Palantir. Mike is holding it, and we
continue to pan until we see that he, Crow, and Tom have all been lounging
on a beach in Valinor, watching all the while.]
TOM: Hehe! Y’know, I never thought about it before, but our whole
predicament on the Satellite actually has a lot of entertainment
potential...
MIKE: Gentle on the fourth wall there, Servo.
CROW: Well, Mike, I really think the newmeat guys up there could be
pretty decent with some practice. Who knows, if they’re good enough,
they might steal our jobs...
TOM: Oh, like that would be a great loss.
CROW: Hey, Mike, can I go swimming now?
MIKE: Crow, you know you can’t go swimming for an hour after your
tune-up. You rust and jam up.
CROW: Um, Mike, I can’t rust. I’m made of molybdenum.
MIKE: Feh! Just sit tight, little buddy. Only a half an hour left to
wait.
CROW: Awww...
[We pan left. Apparently, the beach is fairly empty. The only other
figure we can see as we pan is Brain Guy, who’s building a sand castle with
his mind. He seems quite absorbed in putting the finishing touches on the
fourth floor. Finally, we focus in on a wicker table, where Pearl (holding
some sort of elven tropical drink) and Lobelia Sackville-Baggins are
apparently deep in discussion.]
PEARL: (sips her drink) So, what you’re suggesting is...
LOBELIA: Fairly simple. You’re evil, and I’m evil, we’ve established
that. You’ve got a nice little setup with the satellite and all, and
I want in on it.
PEARL: Enh, what’s in it for me?
LOBELIA: Material, my dear Forrester, material. My people are
storytellers... and most of them are horrible at it. Connecting the
dots here?
PEARL: Oh yeah. We *are* starting to run low on the crud for Nelstor
the Barbarian, Art, and ... the other one. Besides, the TV planners
just eat up the multiculturalism bit these days.
LOBELIA: Y’know, Pearl, this could be the start of a beautifully
twisted friendship.
[They start cackling in unison as the real credits roll.]
CREDITS, AN UNENDING WEARINESS
Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000, Episode 101:
"A Book Report? or, My Brain Hurts"
Original document (the book report) by Erato
MiSTed (or whatever-ed) by Amanda Van Rhyn
- Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson;
- the Middle-Earth universe created by J.R.R. Tolkien;
- the idea to stick them together created by the MiSTer after
consuming too much sugar.
Who to Thank:
- Well, nobody really. This idea just kinda came into my head, and
it’s one of those ideas so stupid you have to act on it. Gotta thank a few
people, though:
Erato, for *still* not inflicting bodily harm; Annakie (she knows who she is)
for making a game attempt to find me the entire quote from _It Conquered the
World_; and Lohengrin (another he-knows-who-he-is) for knowing all the silly
Tolkien trivia I don’t.
[Disclaimer: "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all characters, settings,
situations, or anything thereof is (c) Best Brains Inc. All stuff
Middle-Earthy is (c) J.R.R. Tolkien and/or his estate and/or whoever owns
the copyright now. All other copyrighted stuff is (c) its owners. All rights
reserved. No copyright infringement is intended: I don’t own any of these
things and never will. Please don’t sue me; you wouldn’t get anything.
No offense is meant to anyone. This is done in the spirit of fun. All
characters, places, or situations mentioned anywhere in this MiSTing or the
report itself are either fictitious or used fictitiously. All resemblence to
reality is coincidental.
Do NOT read this MiSTing while operating heavy machinery.]
[Copyright Info: This MiSTing (c) Amanda Van Rhyn, Fevered Little Minds
Productions, 1998. This thing can be distributed freely, as long as it’s
attributed to me, you drop me a line to tell me you’re sending it around, and
it’s unmutilated. Meta-MiSTing is not mutilation.
Keep circulating the .txt files.]
> While climbing the stairs to the top of the tower, Sam is singing tunes
> from the Shire, and is clutching the Ring, which he intends to return to
> Frodo once he finds him, because the Ring is quite a burden, not exactly
> heavy, but very evil and tiring.
(
geocities.com/timessquare/lair/1868) (
geocities.com/timessquare/lair) (
geocities.com/timessquare)