-Prose Prologue Thing-
Each universe has its own Satellite of Love.
In every dimension, throughout the millions of different realities, a small
spaceship can be found. Some orbit the Earth, some orbit other planets, and
some roam aimlessly through space. Yet they all have essentially the same
floor plan, and essentially the same goal, that of the SoL Prime: to watch,
and make fun of, really bad movies and stories
And in each universe, the crew is different. In most universes, as on the
SoL Prime, the crew happens to be a rather randomly-chosen guy in a jumpsuit
and his wisecracking robot friends. But there are infinite variations on the
theme...
The universe you have now stepped into is not too far removed from that of
the SoL Prime. The guy and robots, as well as their tormentors, are around...
they're just not up on the Satellite. Instead, there are four new crewmembers:
another guy (not selected as randomly, but still in the same old jumpsuit
with the same old goals) and three humanoids native to his planet...
complete with robot costumes. They must survive the same old experiments by
their wit and endurance alone.
*Their* tormentors estimate they'll last five experiments, six if they're
lucky.
Join us as they begin their second...
TURN DOWN YOUR STAR-GLASS
(and give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
In the not-too-distant future,
Several Sundays from now, A.D.,
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Are living high fantasy!
They finally got a vacation,
But Pearl and the gang had to have their fun,
So they got some guys from the planet's face;
They bribed 'em with some pipeweed and they shot 'em into space! ("BAMF!")
"We'll send them cheesy text files -
The worst we can find! ("Na na na!")
They'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor their minds!" ("Na na na!")
Now keep in mind these guys aren't sure
What to do with text so inane - ("We have to keep 'Na na na'-ing? Oh well.
Na na na!")
They may get some good riffs in,
Or they may just go insane!
(Funky sound effect) HOBBIT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT! ("I really shouldn't have used up all my vacation hours...")
ROSIE! ("Umm... line?")
FRODO! ("Face my wrath, fanfic! Assuming that's OK with you...")
SAAAAM! ("I need a catchphrase, don't I?")
If you're wondering, "Why the dumb pastiche?"
And other MiSTing facts, ("Again with the... oh, all right already, if it
means that much to you. Na na na!")
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just plain text,
I should really just relax..."
For Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000!
[The MEST3K Door Sequence. It goes something like this:
- 1 is the standard vault door, but with the Lidless Eye in the center.
- 2 is a band of orcs. They run away as you get closer.
- 3 is the Gates of Moria. They open with the magic password thingy.
- 4 is a cheesy pasteboard version of Smaug. One punch and it's down.
- 5 is a stone troll. A talc one, to be exact. It crumbles.
- 6 is the door of Bag End, complete with Gandalf-vandalized paint job.
- 7 is the normal dogbone door (d'oh!). And our scene opens to...]
[SoL Bridge. Strider is sitting by stage right, reading a large book.
We can read the cover; it reads "Earth Popular Culture for Dummies, Volume 6".
Strider seems quite engrossed. Suddenly, a fishbowl dome remarkably similar
to Frodo's begins levitating in from left. It stays in one place for a while,
as if it expects to be noticed. Strider does nothing.]
FRODO'S VOICE: Um, Strider, a little help here...
STRIDER: Yeah, yeah, much better
this time, Frodo. I can't even see the string. Now, get down from the
catwalk...
FRODO'S VOICE: C'mon, Strider! This is serious!
STRIDER: Oh, all right. What's wrong, Frodo?
FRODO'S VOICE: Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good
news is that I found the Ring! The bad news is, uh, well, my middle
finger is larger than my ring one was, and...
STRIDER: And what?
FRODO'S VOICE: The Ring kinda got stuck.
STRIDER: Ah, I see. Only you, Frodo, only you. We'll
be right back as soon as I figure out another plan to save Frodo from
himself.
[Commercials. The Half-Price Store Guy: "It's the SAME THING!!!" It's
people like this that make you thankful for being in a satellite orbiting
Earth. Or something.]
[We return to the SoL Bridge. A door has suddenly appeared near stage
right on the Bridge, open, with a string tied to the doorknob. The other end
of the string is tied, apparently in space, somewhere near Frodo's hovering
fishbowl. Strider stands near the door; Sam and Rosie are watching, looking
skeptical.]
ROSIE: This I've GOT to see...
STRIDER: OK, Frodo, here's the plan. You run that way... (he points
towards stage left) ... and I'll slam the door, which is tied to the
Ring. Should pull the sucker right off.
FRODO'S VOICE: Um, okay...
STRIDER: On my count... one, two, three, run!
[Frodo's fishbowl hovers away quickly off stage left. After a few
seconds, Strider slams the door (the door slams towards stage right...). We
hear screaming off stage left, getting louder. Strider picks up the end of
the string, now hanging. There's a small gold ring tied to the string.]
STRIDER: YES! Hey, Frodo, we got it! It... wait, what's that?
[The screaming gets even louder. Suddenly, Frodo comes flying in from
stage left, screaming his lungs out. He smashes through the now-closed door,
making the infamous cartoon Frodo-shaped hole. Sam and Rosie just stare,
first at the door, and then at Strider.]
STRIDER: Oopsie. Guess I miscalculated the trajectory or something...
um, well, it did work, didn't it... oh, my.
SAM: Please tell me that's the stupidest thing you've ever
done.
STRIDER: Oh, no, not nearly! Wait, that didn't come out right...
ROSIE: For those of you in the audience
who didn't get it, it's funny because it's dumb.
[The Mad Light goes off.]
STRIDER: Listen, Sam, go return Frodo to consciousness. I'll get the
light.
[He hits the light. The Mads - Pearl Forrester, Lobelia
Sackville-Baggins, Lotho (still in his paper bag, no less), and the
ever-beleaguered Saruman - appear. From what we can see, they are standing
in an underground lab like, and yet unlike, Deep 13.]
LOBELIA: Hello, you shiny happy people up there. Ready for a little
pain?
[SoL. Frodo's back out, holding his head and looking woozy, but
everyone else is just kind of staring at the screen.]
SAM: Mistress Lobelia?! I thought you were dead!
[The Mads]
LOBELIA: Well, I'm not, so deal with it.
PEARL: Anyway, spacemen not-so-spiff, as you can see, we've gotten
ourselves a brand new evil villain hideout place. It's -
LOBELIA: It's located in the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement
sitting room of 13 Bywater Road. We like to call it -
PEARL: Deep Under 13!
LOBELIA: Hey, listen, I respect you as a fellow evil villainess and all,
but *I'm* in charge of this joint!
PEARL: Oh, yeah, short stuff?! Who do you think owns the Satellite?
LOBELIA: *Short Stuff*?! Why, you sad excuse for a big clumsy oaf, you
haven't the nerve to...
[Lobelia and Pearl continue bickering; Saruman sighs and pushes his way
to the front of the view area.]
SARUMAN: They're been doing this all day. Anyway -
LOTHO: To celebrate our new evil laboratory, we ordered
delivery from Torgo's Lembas!
SARUMAN: Need I remind you who's the Istar here and
who isn't?
LOTHO: No, Saruman.
SARUMAN: That's better! Anyway, they should be here any moment, and -
[The doorbell rings. Apparently, there's an entrance to Deep Under 13
on its own.]
SARUMAN: Oh, here are those lembas now. I'll get it!
[Saruman opens the door. Standing there, with a delivery box in hand,
is Gollum. He's wearing a whole Torgo getup, including large kneepads.
Saruman almost face-faults at the sight.]
GOLLUM: Yess, yess, did someone here order lembasss from usss? Yesss...
SARUMAN: Yes, of course!
Now kindly give us the food...
GOLLUM: But we - we needs paymentssss for nice lembassss, yessss?
SARUMAN: Yes! Of course! How could I have forgotten?
How much is it?!
GOLLUM: The nice, nice lembassss come to ten gold pieces and thirty-one
coppers, don't they? Yessss...
SARUMAN: Here... where is it... (He
picks out some money and counts it out to Gollum.) There, there's
five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten gold and ten-twenty-thirty-thirty-thirty-
one coppers! Now, please, go away!
GOLLUM: Why - why does nice big person want to chase us away? We are a
lot of fun at partiesss, yess! We can do all sorts of nice trickssss
with lampshadesss, yes...
SARUMAN: Kill me.
GOLLUM: Well, if the nassssty mage insisssssts... (He looks up at the
viewscreen - getting a pretty good shot of our heroes on the SoL.)
Master!
[SoL. Frodo, having broken out of his daze the hard way, is staring
into space, galvanized.]
FRODO: Um. Sam. It's. *Him*. Again. Didn't. We.
Have. A. Plan. For. This?
SAM: Well, yeah, Frodo, but what do you expect me to do? I mean, he's
in a... oh, what was it... sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement on the planet,
and I'm orbiting Middle-Earth in a satellite! I don't have a whole lot
of options...
FRODO: Oh. Great. We're. Doomed.
[Deep Under 13. Lotho strides cheerfully into our line of sight.]
LOTHO: Well, that's *nice*. Anyway, since Mom and the big person are
still arguing about who runs this, and Sharkey's dealing with Slinker
over there, I'll just have to send you guys your story for today!
[SoL]
SAM: Oh, no, Lotho, no need to do that... we can go a day without a
story, you know...
[Deep Under 13]
LOTHO: Are you guys sure? I mean, it's not *that* bad today... it's
just about someone named Tails and, uh, things!
[SoL]
STRIDER: Um, did you say Tails, Lotho?
[Deep Under 13]
LOTHO: Yup!
[SoL]
STRIDER: "Tails and uh, things"? I don't like the sound of that at all.
[Deep Under 13]
LOTHO: Here you go! Sharkey, do the brain thing!
SARUMAN: Wah?! Oh, yeah,
sure.
[Saruman does the standard MST3K Brain Guy Thing.]
[SoL. The fanfic sign is going off.]
STRIDER: We got Fanfic Sign!
[Remember the Door Sequence from before? Well, play it back from 6 to 1
this time. Not too hard.]
[SoL Theater. S&TH get settled.]
FRODO: Commence the stuff and things!
> NOTE FROM WEB PAGE MAINTAINER, DAVE PISTONE: This story contains words
> and phrases which some readers may find offending. It also deals with
> the natural processes of growing up in a frank
STRIDER: TV's Frank?
> way. Reader discretion is advised
FRODO: Well, we'd use reader discretion if we had any... but since
we're kinda forced to read this, let's just pray nothing offends us.
> and I voluntarily give this a PG-13 rating due to it's content.
STRIDER: "It's content"? It got a PG-13 due to the sheer number of
times it misused the word 'it's'? Uh oh.
> However, let me stress right now that IT IS NOT AN X RATED SEX STORY
SAM: Awwwww...
> SO SEGA BACK OFF! ^^^
FRODO: Any bets about what those things are supposed to be?
STRIDER: Search me.
> You may now read.
SAM: Gee, thanks for your permission, Fanfic God!
>====================================================================
> ===========
FRODO: I get it! It's an equal-sign conga line!
SAM: Ladies and gentlemen, Frodo's kinda still fazed. Give him time.
He'll start doing better riffs eventually.
> TAIL
STRIDER: Excuse me, sir, you dropped the 's' in your title...
> by Lex Concord
>
> That day, on the elevator, Tails finally succeeded in bringing Sonic to a
> dead stop.
SAM: Are we joining a story in progress?
> "What?" Sonic asked.
FRODO: That's what we're asking!
> Tails was watching him carefully. "I said, what were you and Sally doing
> out in the equipment shed?" The elevator squeaked and rattled faintly as
> it descended into Knothole.
SAM: Why would you ever need an elevator to descend into a knothole? I
mean, couldn't you just descend into the tree manually?
STRIDER: Knothole is an underground village, Sam.
SAM: Oh... sorry.
> "What?" Sonic asked again. "I mean, which, uh, when?"
> "Last night."
> Sonic laughed.
FRODO: Oh, I get it, the author is trying to be funny... or something...
STRIDER: Just go with it. Don't think about the fanfic, whatever you
do!
> "Well, nothin', little buddy." He was suddenly a very nervous
> hedgehog.
SAM: Wow, quick change!
FRODO: A *hedgehog*?! What's happening *now*?!?
STRIDER: I read about this in that book... it's a cartoon series about
anthropomorphic animals.
FRODO: Anthropomorphic animals?? Why?!
STRIDER: That's beyond me.
"What makes you think, uh--"
> "I heard Rotor and Bunnie~ talking," Tails said, not-quite-innocent,
(All start humming "Ain't Misbehavin'")
> leaning against the railing. He folded his arms. "Rotor said the bench
> was a mess again and Bunnie~ said you guys were there again and you never
> cleaned up, and he said, wonder why; and she said why don't you put up a
> camera and get some pictures, and they laughed.
(Sam starts snickering.)
FRODO: What's so funny?
SAM: Oh, you wouldn't understand.
> So what were you guys doing?"
> Sonic had walked over to the other side of the elevator. As it jolted a
> bit on its worn guides, he put his gloved hands on the railings. It wasn't
> from losing balance.
STRIDER: Stupid fanfic! Keeping us in suspense about why Sonic is
resting his hands on the guardrail...
> "Oh, well," Sonic mumbled, "researching, you know, making something."
(Sam starts snickering again.)
SAM: Making -
(Before Sam can say more, Strider gags him with his hand.)
STRIDER: Oh, no. I know where this is going... you're getting as bad as
Crow, Sam.
> "What?"
> "It's secret, little buddy. Top Secret."
> "What's that mean?"
FRODO: This kid wouldn't get a clue if it was nailed into his head with
a sledgehammer, would he?
> "That means you can't see it, little buddy,"
STRIDER: Wait, did Sonic suddenly become the Skipper?
SAM: Um... wah??
STRIDER: The Skipper. According to my book, references to this Earth
show always kill, so I thought I'd try it out.
SAM: Ah... okay, I guess
> Sonic said, and his gloved fingers drummed on the rail.
> "But you always said when I grew up I'd be like you guys," Tails said,
> just to keep the argument going. "When do I get to see the secret stuff
> you guys do?
SAM: I like to watch!
STRIDER: This is going to be a loooooooong fanfic...
> It isn't fair, is it?"
> "Someday, big guy. I promise."
> Tails felt bad, partly because he wasn't getting anywhere,
FRODO: Not to mention not getting any...
SAM: Wow, I'm impressed, although that was completely out of character.
FRODO: Well, the MiSTer thought I needed a line somewhere...
(Assorted bells and klaxons go off around the theater)
SAM: What in Eru's name are those?!?
STRIDER: I had Fourth Wall Breakage Alarms installed the other day.
Didn't think you'd notice.
> but mostly becausehis hero was acting like a kid. Or rather, like HE was
> a kid. Today Tails had decided to stop pretending that. No matter what
> Sally said. "OK," he said, carefully keeping the disingenuous
SAM: No! Not vocabulary words!
> tone. "I guess when you're finished, huh Sonic? Can I see it then?"
> Sonic looked around and had to raise his eyes to look his "little buddy"
> in the eye. They were the same height.
STRIDER: *rimshot*
FRODO: How do you say that, anyway?
STRIDER: Ancient Dunadan secret.
> "Yeah, buddy," he managed. "Anytime now."
> "OK," Tails said.
SAM: Now there's a line that must have taken hours of thought to write!
FRODO: Yeah, I'm just stunned by the power and clarity of those words...
STRIDER: I thought hobbits weren't cynical.
SAM: We can be made that way...
> The elevator stopped at the bottom,
FRODO: As opposed to, say, stopping in the middle.
> and Sonic vanished so quickly Tails
> couldn't even return his wave. He looked at the ground and wondered where
> thoughts came from, and why his were so dark lately.
STRIDER: Jeepers cripes, dangblast these pesky
thoughts of gloom, doom, and destruction!
>
>
FRODO: Hey, it's the Sound of Silence! Cool!
> The sun had already set over Knothole, but Antoine squinted anyway. "What
> ees it exactly, zis 'man-to-man' talk, Meester Prower?"
SAM: And we have goofy accent!
STRIDER: Oh, yeah, you're one to talk?!
SAM: I could swear we already discussed this...
FRODO: Are you *sure*? "Mr. Frodo, sir!
Don't let him hurt me, sir! Don't let him turn me into anything
unnatural! My old dad would take on so!"
SAM: One day, they're going to find you all dead. I'll make
sure of it. Buggrit.
> "You know," said Tails, who hated it when Antoine addressed him formally.
> "Man to man. You know."
STRIDER: Doesn't he mean "anthropomorphic fox to anthropomorphic fox"?
> "W-e-l-l," Antoine puckered,
SAM: Never mind about you, I think I'll kill Mr. Pucker here.
FRODO: It could get worse...
SAM: How?
STRIDER: "Zee bot es BEEG!!"
FRODO: Strider showed me the story. Be glad we don't have to read
*that* one.
> "if you mean what I theenk it is, you are
> speaking to ze right man for ze job." He cracked his knuckles and twirled
> his mustache; Tails could hear the hiss of his ego inflating.
SAM: At least we're getting special effects now.
STRIDER: Well, I'd call these more horribly-mundane effects.
> "I am assumed that you speak of ze, well, of your -- development."
> Tails clasped his fingers and looked down at his body. "Well, I've been
> growing."
SAM: I'm not gonna touch that one with an 5-foot pole.
> "I will say," Antoine said. "You have growing
FRODO: "You have growing"? Dear Eru, I believe Antoine just sunk lower
than even Sam in his "ninnyhammer, just wanting to see the Elves!"
days.
SAM: *ONE* more comment and I'm going to have a psychadelic funky
freakout...
FRODO: Oh, I'm *so* scared...
> like there is no tomorrow these few months, no? Look at you! You are
> taller than I!
SAM: Yo, Ant, *I'm* taller than you. Cope.
> And Sally cannot keep you in clothes. Three new pairs of shoes in a year!"
FRODO: Why are anthropomorphic animals wearing shoes anyway?
STRIDER: Let us ask not. That way lies madness.
> "Yeah," Tails was annoyed about that. "Gloves too."
SAM: Shoes... gloves... what gives? Haven't these things figured out
shoes and gloves are completely irrelevant to their lives?
STRIDER: Let me repeat... that way lies madness.
SAM: But... it's so stupid!
> He felt distinctly uncool without his shoes.
FRODO: GAHH! That, added onto the rest, makes NO logical sense
whatsoever!!
(Frodo's dome starts filling up with steam. Suddenly, it shoots off his
head and gets stuck in the theater ceiling.)
SAM: ROSIE! We got a Code Servo!
ROSIE: Just a sec!
(After a bit, Rosie runs in from left carrying an extra fishbowl dome.
She hands it to Sam and exits left. Sam unscrews the top red thingummy and
hands it to Frodo.)
SAM: There, now it's ventilated. Meanwhile, who gets to take the ladder
and get the first one down after the fic is over?
> "Sally's sure takin' her time."
> "Surely she feels it is better to wait for it to stop. Does it hurt?"
> "What?"
STRIDER: Ze fanfic, jeenius!
> "Ze growing."
> "Uh, yeah." He had woken up dozens of times that year, racked with pains
> in his bones.
(Sam starts snickering.)
SAM: Sayy...
STRIDER: I take it back about you getting as bad as Crow.
SAM: Really?
STRIDER: Yeah. You're already there, and you're *worse*.
> His hands ached and he felt like throwing up. Bunnie had called
> him Stretch Marks, until he made her stop.
> "Both your tails, yours, ze one of mine you have,
STRIDER: Oh, Eru, it's contagious. That line actually sounded dirty.
> also growing, as well ...
> You do not even fit ze bed any more, no?"
> "No." His back hurt. He scratched his stomach.
FRODO: Hey, Antoine, what's a non sequitur?
> He was hungry. He was always hungry.
SAM: This line filmed in Hobbit-Vision?
> "And all zis time other parts, as well, have been, er, growing."
STRIDER: BAD image.
> Antoine scratched his head.
FRODO: Why are the characters in this fanfic scratching so much? Did
Knothole have a sudden flea outbreak?
> "Er, did Sally tell you to come to me?"
> "No."
> He stopped scratching.
STRIDER: Oh, zhere is zee pesky wood tick!
> "Oh. Ah. Does zis mean -- well, is zis an .. unauthorized visit?"
SAM: Wait a second... is he supposed to use words over two syllables
like that?
> Tails blinked. "Huh?"
> "W-e-l-l,"
FRODO: Well.
STRIDER: Correct. Mr. De'Coolette, you may advance
to the final round of the Knothole Spelling Bee.
FRODO: Oh, zees is so exciting! I am to be ecstatic with my
joyfullness!
SAM: The spelling bee sketch, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you!
> Antoine hemmed,
STRIDER: Oh, why do I let zee Princess push me into doing zee
sewing on her skirts?
> "I would not wish to do ze anything without ze
> Princess's approval, no? Nothing that would adversely affect your ...
> upbringing." Oh, no. "Please!" He sounded plaintive, but he couldn't
> help it.
FRODO: I can't shake my animated-waif heritage!
> "Please?
SAM: Only if you say the magic wor... oh, wait.
> You promised..."
> "I did not promise."
STRIDER: Alzho I might have. Zenn again, with zees horrible
accent, I could have insulted your mother or asked you for a chicken
recipe for all you know, eh?
> "I gotta learn this stuff somewhere! I don't want to ask _Rotor_."
FRODO: Oh, come *on*! How could this Rotor guy possibly be more
ridiculous to ask personal questions to than weenie-boy here?
STRIDER: Oh, trust me, we'll learn that eventually...
> "Why not ask Sonic?" Antoine suggested.
> "I did. Forget that."
SAM: The hedgehog's crampin' my style, maaaaaan.
> Antoine was about to make some other remark,
STRIDER: Don't ask me what it was; I'm just the narrator!
> but he stopped and regarded Tails
> narrowly. "You went to ze hedgehog first, did you?"
> "Yeah."
FRODO: Such thrilling dialogue. I can hardly stand the
excitement.
> "Why?"
SAM: Because?
> He didn't know why, but he sensed he had just screwed up.
STRIDER: I shoulda studied last night... aargh, I swear,
Antoine's the worst for pop quizzes.
> He shrugged. "Idunno."
> "Is he more -- _masculine_ then I, perhaps?"
SAM: How "masculine" can they get? They're freaking fuzzy woodland
creatures!
STRIDER: Yeah, and you're one to talk...
SAM: At least I'm humanoid!
> "Well... I mean, he's always been --"
FRODO: Well, Mr. Antoine sir, to be blunt, I know shrubbery
more masculine than you.
> "Well." Antoine stood up. "In zat case, if my services are not
> required--"
> "Aw, c'mon!" Tails was truly disgusted. "You just said I should try him
> next..."
> "Indeed. Try him again, won't you?" Antoine rose stiffly and moved off.
STRIDER: Boy, for a united freedom fighter force, these guys get angry
at each other pretty easily.
> Tails stared after him with lowered lids.
SAM: Wow, he can stare through his eyelids!
> He decided blasphemy was called for.
> "Prick," he muttered.
FRODO: Potty mouth...
SAM: What kind of religion do these guys practice, anyway, if "Prick"
is blasphemy?
STRIDER: I don't think I want to know, honestly.
> "Rotor?"
> Rotor slid a drawer shut in his workbench. "Who is it?"
FRODO: Who's there?
STRIDER: Interrupting cow!
FRODO: Interrupting cow wh -
STRIDER: MOOOOO!
SAM: Ladies and gentlemen, the knock-knock joke sketch.
> "Nobody," said Tails. He came in from the dark outside.
> Rotor relaxed. He picked up a welder
STRIDER: So, say, welder, what's your sign?
> and a mask
SAM: Say, mask, can I buy you a drink?
> and moved over to something clamped in a vise.
STRIDER: Oooh, maybe it's a deroboticizer. Doesn't there have to be one
of those in every Sonic story?
> "What's up, Tails?"
> Tails shut his eyes against the glare as the torch ignited.
SAM: Sure, Rotor, go ahead and weld. I'll just go extinguish my
fur over here.
> He felt evenworse than before. He had gone zero for two, and now, he felt
> sure, zero for three was coming up.
FRODO: Poor guy... zero for three. He can't score worth anything.
SAM: Dude, do you have that right!
> Rotor was, as far as Tails could tell, more immature than
> he was.
STRIDER: Well, what do you expect with a name like 'Rotor'? Manwe...
> Rotor played the torch
SAM: Everybody plays the torch, sometimes...
>over the joint expertly. Tails waited until it was off, then asked
> directly, "Mind if we have a man-to-man talk?"
FRODO: Well, fox to... whatever you are...
> "Sure," Rotor said equably. "What about?"
> "Well, me."
STRIDER: Ya gotta help me, Rote! I'm starrin' in a goofy fanfic!
> Rotor raised his mask and peered at Tails. "Why?"
FRODO: What do you mean, I need an excuse?
SAM: Here, take my "Why not?".
It's a bit old, but it's still in very good shape and should be quite
serviceable.
> "Well, I just want to..." Tails trailed off. He'd rehearsed this with
> Sonic and Antoine, but Rotor?
STRIDER: Oh, come now, fanfic. Is Tails an anti-walrus bigot, or what?
SAM: A walrus?! Is *that* what this Rotor fellow is?
STRIDER: I think so...
SAM: In that case, I can't blame Tails. Even with furries, that's just
goofy!
> "I just want to ... I need to be ready. Know some stuff," he finished
> lamely.
FRODO: I've never seen anyone maimed by a sentence before...
> "For what?"
> "For... you know. For when I grow up."
STRIDER: I wanna be a fireman when I grow up!
SAM: And go through puberty!
> "Well," Rotor said in his slow, matter-of-fact, infuriating way,
STRIDER: Don't tell me... Tails is going to snap, proclaim himself the
king, and start cackling, right?
SAM: Gee, remind us of anyone we know?
FRODO: Sam. We. Talked. About. The.
Mount. Doom. Incident. You. Said. You. Weren't. Going. To. Bring. It.
Up. Again....
SAM: Wow, Frode, no need to get p.o.'ed. Sorry I mentioned it.
FRODO: Thank. You. Let's. Go. On. Now.
> "looks like you've already grown up, Tails."
STRIDER: Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious.
> "Not totally... I mean, don't you ever, you know, get, uh..."
> Rotor just stared at him.
SAM: My, such a dynamic personality. I can't understand
why he lost the lead role in the fanfic...
> Tails fought off the unexpected embarrassment. He tried again.
STRIDER: After this, I quit. No use making a
damn fool of myself!
> "Look ... you have to do repair work on Bunnie~
FRODO: What's with the ~ ?
SAM: I think it's a bunny tail.
> all the time ... On her limbs, you know?"
STRIDER: And her leaves and branches...
FRODO: Hoom!
> "Sure."
SAM: Sure, I'm a boring, goofy character caught in a
well-written but goofy fanfic. Sure, I don't have a clue what's going
on. Sure, the adolescent angst level is terminal.
> "Well... up close to her, like that, don't you ever, you know, get to ...
> like her?" It sounded so lame,
FRODO: How could it sound crippled? It's a sentence! Sheesh...
> but he didn't have the words.
SAM: I need a Magnetic Poetry booster kit! I can't write squat
with these words!
> "'Like' her?"
STRIDER: Like, we're, like, all like talking about, like,
"liking", or, like, what?
> "You know. Want to ... think about her?"
> "How?"
> "In ... bed."
SAM: Too easy... at the rate this fic is going, it's gonna be
set-'em-up-knock-'em-down with the riffs...
> Rotor thought about it.
FRODO: A week passed. Rotor was still thinking. He plans to
complete the thought in the coming month, give or take.
STRIDER: Let's go, guys.
(S&TH file out of the theater.)
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