Elmer Studios presents...
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For Episode 131 we return to Neon Exodus Evangelion! No, not *that* one,
the *other* Neon Exodus. You know, where Shinji has *more* problems.

Evangelion is copyright Gainax.
Neon Exodus Evangelion is copyright Art Damon.
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[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver
Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette. There is a small,
battered artificial Christmas tree next to the computer, looking for all the
world like it has been trodden on. Ragged tinsel and streamers adorn the
wall.]

[Rebecca and Tsuneo are sitting behind a desk. There is a banner overhead
reading "Australia: Indecision 2001", and an inflatable miniature Kirov
airship is buzzing around.]

Rebecca: Welcome back to Indecision 2001, the only coverage of the national
election coming through the medium of text files.
Tsuneo: Hang on a second, Rebecca. [He taps an earpiece] We've just got a
result in from Dogrooter, in inner Brisbane. Now if you remember, Dogrooter
was considered a safe Labour seat beforehand.

[A diagram comes up, showing a whole bunch of coloured bar graphs.]

Tsuneo [V/O]: As you can see, there's been a substantial swing against the
Labour party to the Coalition.
Rebecca [V/O]: It's pretty much following the pattern for tonight. Swing to
the Coalition, and from Labour. Greens picking up, Democrats going down,
One Notion vanishing.
Tsuneo [V/O]: Now there was a minor party in this seat, the Free Beer and
Shotguns party. If we look at that, we can see that he's gotten... nothing.

[Back to the apartment. The Kirov has floated off-screen]

Rebecca: I have Jake, the leader of the Free Beer and shotguns party.

[Cut to a scruffy looking man with long blue hair and a beard in a tattered
jacket and jeans]

Rebecca [V/O]: A little disappointing for you, Jake, not even getting a
single vote.
Jake: Well, yes and no. We polled better than we expected.
Tsuneo [V/O]: So you expected nothing?
Jake: Yeah, well, I only set up the party as a tax scam.

[Back to the apartment]

Tsuneo: There you have it, Jake the leader of the Free Beer and Shotguns
party.
Rebecca: Wait till he hears that he got three votes in the Northern
Territory.
Tsuneo: That's what, 75% of the eligible voters?
Rebecca: I think so. We'll just cross to the panel and get their opinions.

[Cut to a table. Dan is there, wearing a tie (But still no shirt). He's
with Peter Reith - a bald, middle-aged man with glasses - and Kerry
O'Brien - a midle aged man with red hair.]

Rebecca [V/O]: So what do you make of this result?
Dan: Well, this is what I predicted, save for the fact that the other party
won.
Kerry: Well once again Kim Beazly's Legions of light have been thwarted by
the armies of corruption and darkness. [The Kirov floats past him]
Peter: Can I just say this is the first time I've ever appeared in a MSTing?
Dan: Back to you, Rebecca.

[Rebecca and Tsuneo]

Rebecca: There you have it straight from a moron, a lefty journo and our
outgoing minister for Defence and setting fire to Unionists.
Tsuneo: Were they really all you could get?
Rebecca: On this short notice, yes.
Voice: Good morn... what's going on here?
Rebecca: And we've just been joined by Democrats leader, Natasha Stoat-
Destroyer.
Tsuneo: Contemporary and displays your contempt for him. Good call.
Voice: To repeat my question, what are you doing?
Tsuneo: For the benefits of our foreign readers-
Voice: Foreign readers?
Rebecca: Surveys show we're really big in Russia right now.
Tsuneo: Anyway, we're calling the Australian election.

[Dan walks in, pulling off his tie, the Kirov following him]

Dan: I got the job on the panel because I'm such an expert political
analyst.
Rebecca: He voted for the Free Beer and Shotguns party, but it was declared
invalid as they don't accept votes in crayon.
Voice: Right. Well, I guess we can start the review.
Rebecca: Not yet. We're still to get our HappyTemp for the day.

[On cue, Celena enters]

Celena: I assume this is still the Torture Room, right?
Rebecca: 'Friad so.
Celena: Well, a job's a job.
Dan [Staring straight at her chest]: Oh, wow! Great to see you again, 
Celena!
[She shoves him away]
Celena: Remind me why I'm doing this rather than staying in guest-spot 
obscurity.
Tsuneo: Because you wouldn't have a source of income otherwise?
Celena: Very true.
Voice: Now that you're all here, we can get on with the fic.
Celena: This isn't going to be another FF7 fic, is it?
Voice: No. Today's *review*-
Rebecca: Experiment.
Voice: They're reviews.
Celena: I'm going for torture sessions.
Voice: Well today got another chapter of Neon Exodus Evangelion.
Dan: Ack.
Tsuneo: Ack.
Rebecca: Ack. Eyrie without the benefit of loons.
Celena: Wow. I've heard all about young Mister Croft's adventures in 
Evangelion
Land. I never thought I'd get to see them, though. Not that I want to, of 
course.
Dan: I'm beginning to think that Rick got lucky in being hurled through that 
wall.
Voice: No, it's not *that* neon Exodus. It's-
Tsuneo: You mean-
Dan: It's-
Rebecca: The *other* Neon Exodus?
All but Celena: Hoody-hoo!
Celena: So if this isn't EZ Soft's amazing adventures, what is this fic
about?
Tsuneo: Well, it's set on a space-ship flying to Mars to get away from
Third Impact.
Celena: That's an original twist for starters.
Rebecca: The central character is Shinji who has somehow wound up in the
body of a Rei clone, and is understandably confused about the whole
situation.
Celena: I thought he had problems before.
Dan: And the ship's just come under attack by a flashing yellow dot that's
apparently an angel that used to be an EVA.
Celena: I see. So Shinji's got to stop it, right?
Tsuneo: With a hastily repaired EVA-01, yes.
Celena: I see. Anything else I should know?
Rebecca: The ship's science officer is Kensuke.

[Pause]

Celena: This is totally f*cked up.

[They sit, Rebecca and Dan on the forwards-facing couch, Celena and Tsuneo
on the other one. Celena and Dan are closest on the corners.]

Rebecca: When Rick hears he missed this, he's going to be so jealous.

[The TV switches on]

>"Humans should evolve into a new world.

Dan: This sounds like a song cue to me.

>That is the purpose of the EVA series."

Celena: That and to sell lots of models.

>"We have no intention of giving up our human forms simply to enter the ark 
>called EVA..."

Tsuneo: You make it sound like you've got a choice.

>--Taken from the transcripts of SEELE meetings between Gendo Ikari and the 
>Assembly.

Dan: What, they made transcripts?
Celena: Yeah. They go: "Fnord. Fnord. Communists. Fnord. National security.
Fnord. The people have a right to know. Fnord. Higher ratings. Fnord. Fnord.
Fnord. Good of the people. Fnord."

>NEON EXODUS EVANGELION
>Exodus 0:2

Rebecca: In which DJ acts smug and Jon does nothing.
Tsuneo: Wrong Neon Exodus.

>Episode 2: To find a heart/Unmistakable Identity

Celena: Does every EVA fic writer do this with the dual titles?
Tsuneo: I'm afraid so.

>Written By: Art Damon
>


>"Evangelion Unit-01, LAUNCH!"

Dan: Cue the stock footage!
Celena: Rubber band ready.

>The command given,

Rebecca: Stand by to fire Mrs Nesbitt!
Celena: Standing by.
Rebecca: Red alert! Put the kettle on.
Celena: Aye-aye, captain!
Rebecca: Prepare to feed the cat.
Celena: Preparing to feed the cat.
Rebecca: Fire Mrs Nesbitt!

>the locks snapped open and Unit-01 rocketed up through the access hatches, 
>toward the surface of the ARK.

Rebecca: Oddly enough, it looked like a Colonial Viper throughout.
Dan: [Shinji] Someone tell me I've got a way to stick to the surface.

>The girl inside felt gravity pulling down on her;

Celena: Oh, so they've got mysterious artificial gravity on this ship as 
well?
Tsuneo: Yep. It's basically "Star Trek" with a big, purple robot.

>inertia telling her that she should be staying in one spot,

Celena: No inertial dampers, obviously.
Dan: Naw, they're on the fritz again.

>while motion was telling her quite plainly that she was going another.

Tsuneo: In other words: Squish.

>Gritting her teeth against it, she heard a great HISS-CLANK

Celena: Nothing like a little onomatopoeia in the morning.

>above her, and looked up.
>Massive airlock doors had parted, and Unit-01 was soon standing on the hull 
>of the ARK.

Dan: [Shinji] That was fun!
Celena: [Shinji] Another day, another trauma.

>The girl looked about, instinct taking over again.

Rebecca: So that explains the sudden stain in the plugsuit.
Celena: Watch it.

>"I don't see it!" she exclaimed. The fact that she was on the hull of a 
>spaceship seemed not to be of consequence.

Dan: It's the little things that get you at moments like these.

>Ishako's face appeared on a holoscreen beside her. "We sent you to the 
>wrong hatch.

Tsuneo: They're off to a shining start.
Rebecca: Is it now that Ishako wants to mention that they haven't proofed 
the
EVA for space use yet?
Celena: At the rate she's going, I suspect she came to work with no pants 
on.

>Follow the tracking beacon we've activated."

Tsuneo: [Shinji] Can't you just retract the EVA and re-launch me?
Celena: [Ishako] Sorry, we've got a limit of one use per episode on the 
stock footage.

>"But-won't I float away?"
>"No, silly. We installed magnetic pads to Unit-01's feet. Just don't do any 
>marathon jumps, and you'll be fine.

Dan: And don't try chewing your toenails, because then the feet will stick 
to the
unit's face, and you'll look *really* silly.
Celena: You already look silly, Dan.

>Besides, we can always reel your power cable back in."

Rebecca [Ishako]: Except, of course, in the unlikely event that your power 
cord comes out,
but what are the odds of that happening?
Celena [Shinji]: I'm doomed.

>"Okay... I'm off!"

Celena: So much for those magnetic pads.

>Unit-01 disconnected from its restraints and began to move. The girl 
>followed a glowing crosshair that led along the surface of the hull,

Dan: It's like the direction arrow in Mario Kart. I guess if she falls off, 
Lakitu
can just pick her up.

>and with a steady CLANK-CLANK-CLANK,

Rebecca: Except there's no sound in space.
Celena: Well, if there was, it'd be "CLANK-CLANK-CLANK." As it is, it goes
"...-...-..."

>the giant biomachine grew closer to its target.

Tsuneo: So how much damage has EVA-05 done in the meantime?
Rebecca: I think it's still just a flashing yellow dot at this point.

>"We've activated the ship's AT Field, sir. It appears to be working fine."

Dan: The ship has an AT field? What is this, the Star EVA?
Rebecca: No, this is too coherent.
Celena: So what, a female Shinji and science officer Kensuke makes sense?
Rebecca: Compared to Delta Invasion, anything does.

>"I don't like this, Kensuke.

Celena: It's quiet. Too quiet.

>Not one little bit." Ryu said, keeping a watchful eye on the approaching 
>Angel.

Dan: [Ryu] It just keeps flashing on and off, on and off, on and off, it's 
driving
me mad!

>"Ryu, if it was good enough for the EVAs, it's good enough for us."

Tsuneo: Of course, since the EVAs have all apparently been destroyed, that 
may not
be much of a recommendation.

>"We're placing ourselves in incredible danger-"

Rebecca: Should have read the fine print when you signed on.

>Kensuke was suddenly in his face. "Do you want to sacrifice all of these 
>lives back to Adam?" he said, lowering his voice angrily. "No? Then 
>enslaving one soul to save one hundred and forty-four thousand is hardly a 
>crime."

[Dead silence]

Tsuneo: Well, that was a surprisingly loud and forceful moment from Kensuke.
Celena: Great. Shinji's more of a girl then ever and Kensuke's acting all 
tough-
guy. This world is totally FUBAR.

>The normally stoic boy's outburst surprised Ryu

All: Us too.

>into quiet, but as Aida returned to his post, he found his voice again. 
>"I'll not have one of my subordinates dictating
>orders to me." He said in a low, challenging voice.

Celena: Translation: I cannot believe I was just verbally bitch-slapped by
Kensuke.
Rebecca: [Ryu] I am filled with shame.

>"Of course not, sir. I am only reminding you of our position... and our 
>duties."

Celena: Translation: Ha!

>There was silence for a few moments,

Dan: I guess everyone's just as shocked about Kensuke as we are.

>then beeping from the tactical station.

Rebecca: Hello? Flashing yellow dot?

>"The target is within range of our cannons, sir." The Tac officer said.

Tsuneo: It doesn't mean a thing unless it's within the effective 
neutralisation
range of your AT field.
Celena: Ryu will want to fire anyway.
Tsuneo: I don't get it, why?
Celena: After being pimp-smacked by Kensuke, he's got to find some way to 
restore
his manliness.

>"Bring us to bear on her, ensign. Ready us for a full blast."
>"Aye, Captain. Charging all laser cannons."

Dan: Reading the Wave Motion Gun.
Rebecca: Interocitor up to speed.

>Unit-01's hand came down and gripped a part of the ARK, helping the EVA to 
>move from one side of it to another.

Tsuneo: Most people use their feet for that, but I suppose each to their 
own...

>The girl looked up to see the Angel approaching,

Dan: [Angel] Booya!

>its white head rearing evil looking teeth.

Dan: It was the sock puppet of Death itself.

>She could not help but shudder as its white wings were silhouetted against 
>the yellow flare that came out of them, pushing it across the vacuum of 
>space.

Dan: So what's actually propelling it?
Celena: Form the looks of the description, it's lighting its own farts. 
[Tsuneo raises
a cushion. Celena glares at him. He meekly puts it down.]
Rebecca: I like you. [Scribbles on clipboard]

>"I see it..." she said, making the EVA stand on its new plane. "Ejecting 
>Progressive Knife."

Celena: Oh yes, I'm sure it's terrified by the pig-sticker of doom.
Dan: [Shinji] I need a bigger weapon.
Rebecca: I think you've had your weapon taken from you. [Celena hits her 
with a cushion]

>With that, the shoulder blade parted and the knife slid out and down, and 
>she took it.

Rebecca [Shinji]: Um, do you have any other weapons? It's got a big 
swordy-thing and all
I have is this little knife.
Dan [Ryu]: Due to space restrictions, that's all we could bring. But we're 
behind
you all the way. Even Kensuke.
Rebecca [Shinji]: I'm doomed.

>The massive blade slid out from its handle, and became white with energy. 
>She could not hear the same whine she normally did,

Dan: In space, no-one can hear you cha-cha-cha.

>and a thought struck her-she was fighting in space.

Tsuneo: It took you this long to figure that out? You're really not on the 
ball today.
Dan: No, he was too preoccupied with figuring out how to sit down. [Celena 
punches him
in the shoulder]

>She could not let the EVA's armor get damaged too severely, otherwise the 
>biological components would be exposed and flash-frozen.... Not a good 
>prospect.

Rebecca: Or the whole Eva could suffer explosive decompression, which would 
be worse still.
This is why Biomechs suck, folks.

>There was also no air outside;

Dan: She's all alone, more or less.

>if she had to eject the Entry Plug for any reason, she would have to stay 
>in it and be recovered by the ARK-all the while, being vulnerable to the 
>Angel's attack.

Tsuneo: And looking pretty damned stupid to boot.
Celena: Oh, what with losing their only EVA and being under attack by an 
angel, I think
his recovery would be the least of their worries.

>This would NOT be an easy battle.
>"Wait a moment, dear."

Rebecca [Shinji]: *Dear?*

>The Doctor said again. "The boys on the Bridge want a shot at it, first."

Celena: [Ishako] By the way, you're standing on the gun barrel.
Dan: [Shinji] I hate my life.

>The girl only nodded. She didn't want to be here, anyway.

Rebecca: Join the club.

>If they can fight the battle for her, all the better.

Celena: Twenty says they fail miserably.

>"Foreword cannon armed!" Tactical Officer Tamari said, confirming the 
>computer's lock.

Tsuneo: Congratulations, we have another character.
Rebecca: You know, an overview of the crew would be really handy right now.

>"Fire at will, mister Tamari!" Ryu exclaimed, leaning ahead in his seat.

Dan: [Ryu] You like it? I picked this move up from captain Kirk.

>The whole of the bridge turned from their stations to see the result...

Dan: [Max Genius] Don't take your eyes off the monitor.

>With a thundering CRASH,

Rebecca: And a SMASH and a BANG and a KABLOOIE too!
Celena: Additional sound effects by the sixties' Batman show.

>the laser cannons were suddenly aglow with deadly yellow light. The beams 
>raced across the great vacuum toward the ever-nearing Angel, who continued 
>her course unwaveringly.

Tsuneo: Angels are male.
Celena: This one is an Angel that was an Eva.
Dan: Damn, it must be even more confused than Shinji.

>The beams converged on the giant being, and with a blink of the eye, the 
>tension lines of an AT Field appeared, deflecting the beams in different 
>directions.

Celena: See?

>A silent sigh went throughout the Bridge. They all knew that was what would 
>happen, but hoped differently.

Tsuneo: So here's the stupid question: Why did they do it anyway? Why not 
wait till
it was inside their AT field and let it have it?
Dan: Because the captain wanted to vent after being smacked down by Kensuke.
Tsuneo: I would too.

>The next thing that happened, however, was NOT expected.

Dan: The angel turned into a giant pink bunny rabbit.
Celena: Okay, who's been pumping Joker Gas through the ship's system again?

>"Mister Aida... extend our AT Field. Neutralize that thing."

Tsuneo: [Kensuke] Shouldn't we have done that in the first place, sir?
Dan: [Ryu] Shut up.

>Kensuke rapidly turned to face him. "Captain?!"

Dan: [Ryu] Yes, *Ensign?*
Tsuneo: [Kensuke] But I'm a lieutenant!
Dan: [Ryu] Not at this rate.

>Ryu met his gaze unwaveringly. "Did I stutter, Lieutenant?"
>"... No, sir. Diverting more power to the AT Field..."

Dan [Ryu]: We'll see who gets the last laugh, Mr Aida. 
Muahahahahahahahahaha! [Pause]
Did I just say that all out loud?

>The girl watched the failed attempt from Unit-01. The cannons stopped their 
>firing, and she just furrowed her brow. "Idiots."

Tsuneo: Guest starring Shinji as Rei as Ruri.

>She muttered. "I could have told them that would happen."

Rebecca: Of course, being Shinji, what do you think are the odds of anyone 
listening to
you?

>'... God, that sounded just like Asuka...' he thought. 'I wonder if 
>she....'

Celena: Do you really want to know?
Tsuneo: Well, she's alternately dead, insane or a puddle of primordial 
slime. Take your pick.

>"Shinko?" the Doctor's voice said.

All: Bless you.

>The girl came to her senses. "What was that, Doctor?"
>"Shinko. Your new name." She said smugly.
>"My... new name?"
>"Yes. You are no longer Shinji, nor are you Rei.... I put the feminine on 
>Shinji to get 'Shinko'. Not bad, ne?"

Tsuneo: Um, Ishako, aren't you getting just a little too familiar with this 
girl?
Rebecca [Shinko]: Um, do I get a say in this?

>"Uhm, Doctor... the Angel?"

Celena [Ishako]: Don't worry about that now. Do you want me to sew name tags 
on all your
underpants?
Tsuneo: [Shinko; waving] Hello, Angel? Over here!

>"Hm? Oh, right.

Rebecca: The way Ishako was acting, you'd think it was a trivial matter.
Celena [Ishako]: The angel can wait its turn like everyone else, dear.

>They're going to take another shot at it."

Rebecca: [Shinko] Is that before or after it impales me?
Celena: [Ishako] Actually, you're the bait.

>"Didn't they see how useless THAT shot was?"

Celena [Ishako]: I believe they're all hammering it into the captain now.
Dan [Ryu]: I am filled with shame.

>"They're extending our AT Field to neutralize the Angel's."
>"What? The entire SHIP has an AT Field? How is that possible?"

Dan: They bought it at a second-hand plot-device sale.

>"I'm afraid I can't say, Shinko. You'll have to figure that out on your 
>own."
>She sighed and slumped back in the pilot's chair, looking up again at the 
>Angel. 'Maybe I died, somehow, and this is punishment for my cowardice.' 
>Shinji thought. 'I'm in Ayanami's body, fighting in my own EVA against an 
>enemy that I thought I'd defeated...

Tsuneo: Face it, Shinji, life stinks.

>But WHY? WHY am I here?'

Celena: Because they found you in a tank and stuck you in the Eva.
Rebecca: See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

>"AT Field at maximum power, Captain. The cannon are still charging."
>"Put a rush on it, Tamari."
>"Aye, sir."

Tsuneo [Kensuke]: You know, we wouldn't be in this fix if you hadn't fired 
that pointless
shot, sir.
Dan [Ryu]: Shut up.
Rebecca [Tamari]: He's got a point, sir.
Dan [Ryu]: Shut up!

>"C-Captain! The Energy Taurus is beginning to grow!"

Tsuneo: [Kensuke] It's got big horns, sir!
Dan: [Ryu] I'm beginning to think we'd be better off with a frozen corpse.
Rebecca: Maybe they could just unfreeze and consult their science officer 
every now and
then, like they did with the captain in Dark Star.
Celena: This whole thing is beginning to read like Dark Star.

>Shinko gasped in sudden surprise as the wings of the Angel flew open, and 
>its eyes flared a bright red.

Dan: Brains... must have... brains...
Celena: Yes Dan, you do need them.

>The green weapon it held began to grow and transform into a far more 
>familiar weapon: the Lance of Longinus.

Rebecca [Shinko]: Oh no! It's got... a pointy stick!

>EVA-01 moved almost without Shinko telling it to, scaling the objects on 
>the hull and readying its Prog Knife for hand-to-hand. The Angel, however, 
>had other ideas.

Dan [Angel]: Sod this for a lark, I'm off home.

>It raised the Pseudo-Lance and, with a motion of its mighty arm, sent it 
>hurtling for the hull at unbelievable speeds.

Rebecca: [Shinko] I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I'm getting 
kinda sick of
it. [Celena makes level crossing noises]

>The pilot was suddenly frozen in horror. To her astonishment, the EVA truly 
>acted without her consent,

Rebecca: And that's what she told the judge.
Celena: It ate her.

>slashing at the right second to send the Lance away from itself, 
>penetrating the hull of the ARK for several meters.

Dan: And on the bridge a panel exploded for no real reason.

>It was as if the EVA had gone through this before.

Tsuneo: It did, in Episode 1 no less. She should be expecting it, since 
that's what
this fic's been ripping off so far.

>"Hull Breech in Sector 12! Decks One and Two!"

Dan: [Kensuke] We're venting stocks of frozen peas and Shake-'n'-Vac into 
deep space!
Rebecca: So much for your hull integrity shields.
Tsuneo: The inertial dampeners will go next. You watch.

>"Unit-01 has disarmed the Angel for the time-being. It is moving to 
>retrieve its Lance."

Tsuneo: [Angel] I really should have thought of that at the time.

>"Shinko! Get on top of that thing and fling it back into space!"

Celena: And that's your plan? This ship is doomed!

>"Okay!" the girl said, determination beginning to sink in again. She felt 
>at home, in some odd way.

Celena: Well here she doesn't have Ishako trying to mother her every step of
the way.
Rebecca [Ishako]: Have you got clean underpants on, dear? Are you rugged up 
all nice
and warm, dear?

>The EVA was reacting a bit more fluidly than Shinji remembered, but that 
>was of little consequence right now.

Tsuneo: FORESHADOWING! Or not.
Dan: So it's EVA-01 which has the soul of Shinji's mum being piloted by her 
son who's
soul is in the body of a clone of her... Damn, messed up doesn't begin to 
say it
here.

>All that mattered was making the Target silent, and the Target was quickly 
>descending onto the hull.

Dan: Look out! It's the Wing Zero Custom!

>With a loud battlecry

Rebecca [Shinko]: Die horrible monster, die. Please.

>(that sounded damn peculiar coming from the small female frame he wore),

Tsuneo: I don't think "wore" is the right word here.
Dan: Hey Shinji? Return that one to the shop and get an exchange. You've got 
the wrong
size.
Rebecca: I dunno, maybe it's an Exo-Frame. Maybe they got this ship from the 
Exo-Fleet.
Celena: Well that was obscure. Well done. I miss that show.

>Shinko leapt from the hull and slashed downward with the knife. The knife 
>did its job, burying itself into the surprisingly soft armor of the Angel.

Celena: It was like a hot knife through butter. Not surprising, because 
that's what the
Angel's armour was made from.

>However, the magpads on the bottom of the EVA's feet were no longer 
>attached, and the only thing keeping the biomachine anchored was its hold 
>on the enemy.

Rebecca: And the only thing that's keeping the angel on the hull is it's 
hold on the lance.
Celena: [Shinko] Please please please don't pull it out!

>The cold vacuum of space quickly did its work, sending purple shards of 
>flash-
>frozen blood into the area, and the Angel raised its head in a cry of pain.

Rebecca: And then exploded messily.
Tsuneo: No, it didn't.
Rebecca: Well it *should* have.

>The scariest thing about it was, despite the lack of any kind of medium for 
>sound to travel, the Angel screamed a painful shriek that everyone on the 
>ARK could hear...

All [Hammy]: Aiee.

>I awoke to find myself surrounded by infinite space. A void left behind, 
>where there was nothing before.

Dan: So you're in Adelaide?
Tsuneo: No, we've mysteriously been transported into the first person. 
[Celena makes level
crossing noises]

>We were pilgrims escaping persecution for simply existing-

Dan: Our names are Bob Skir and Marty Isenburg.

>escaping the plans of a vengeful God and a cunning man, plans we had no 
>part in planning.

All: Blame Marty!
Rebecca: Obscurity bonus! Ding!

>I was dead, but now I live.

Dan: Thanks to a handy high-level cleric.

>I live for them, to prove to God that we need to exist...
>Perhaps to prove that we WILL exist... no matter what...



>Shinko slowly floated back into consciousness. The battle...

Celena: [Shinko] Now where was I? Ah, yes. I was clinging to an Angel for 
dear life.

>somehow, she remembered. She had won the battle. She remembered sticking 
>the knife into the Angel's back... and then...

Rebecca: A dream sequence and a bad transition?
Tsuneo: See? Copied straight from the first two episodes.

>And then? And then what? Only black.

Celena: I think Shinji would be used to that by now.

>"... And then there was light..." she muttered, painfully opening her eyes.

Tsuneo: And we have symbolism! The crowd goes wild! [They all cheer]

>She recognized her surroundings immediately by the sounds and smells...

Tsuneo: [Shinko] Another unfamiliar ceiling.

>the sights came after a few seconds of painful adjustment to the bright 
>lights.

Rebecca [Shinko]: Is that God? No... it's just an overhead lamp. My bad.

>She was back in the ARK's Sickbay, with tubes going into her and Doctor 
>Ichimi fretting over her.

Dan: She wanted to make sure Shinko was all nice and clean and frilly before 
she stepped
out into the big, nasty world.

>The good Doctor seemed very relieved that she had said anything, even if it 
>hadn't made any sense to her.

Celena: She's sounding more like Rei every day. All she needs is a good 
deadpanned
monologue and she's got it down pat.

>"Shinko-chan?" Ichimi said, leaning close to her. "Are you alright?"
>"... '-chan'.... I'll never get used to that..."

Tsuneo: Okay, Ishako, I think you're getting a little carried away there.
Rebecca: I think you better lay off the -chan bit. Shin-girl's got enough 
problems as
it is.
Tsuneo: "Shin-girl?"

>"I'll take that as a 'yes' for now. I wasn't sure after they launched the 
>Containment Sphere..."

Rebecca: [Shinko] So am I alright?
Celena: [Ishako] Well... You remember what happened to Toji? Good news is, 
we can
break out a spare.

>The young girl's red eyes widened. "The... Containment... Sphere?"

Rebecca [Ishako]: Did I mention that? Um... just forget I said that, okay?

>"Yes, dear. The thing they used to capture the Angel's core."
>Shinko's interest was now piqued. She struggled onto her upper arm, sitting 
>up a bit. "Capture the core? Is... that possible?"

Celena: No, but it's going to be a laugh finding out.

>"Oh, very much so. We think that by capturing the cores, we'll learn what 
>we need to do to separate us from the Angels forever."
>"How does it work?"

Dan: They have a net. A very, very big net.

>Ichimi laughed. "There will be time for that after you've healed.

Celena: [Ishako] Actually, I haven't a clue but I'm not going to tell you 
that.

>You need to rest now, dear. I hope you don't mind my taking you out of that 
>plugsuit..."

Dan: Can I watch when you do that? [Rebecca and Celena beat him senseless 
with cushions]

>"No, it's fine, thank you... I'm getting used to Rei's body... it seems she 
>spent a lot of time in hospitals."

Rebecca [Shinko]: I hate this place.

>Doctor Ichimi looked at her, her face showing a bit of uncertainty.

Celena: [Ishako] Does your right hand always do that?

>"Shinko... how much did you... know about 'Rei' in your past incarnation?"

Tsuneo: A surprising amount, actually.
Dan: He's willing to guess about everything else.

>"Not nearly as much as I had to learn... not nearly as much as I wanted to 
>learn."
>"Do you remember the Dummy Plug system?"

Dan: It'd be pretty damned hard for him to forget it.

>"... Vaguely. Doctor Akagi destroyed them all, didn't she?"
>Ichimi shook her head, sitting at the foot of the bed.

Rebecca: She actually kept a few intact to hawk on E-Bay when the value went 
through the
roof.
Dan: I'd buy one.
Rebecca: See? She was a genius.

>"A few of them were still in their Plugs when Akagi destroyed the rest. One 
>of those was the Dummy Plug for Unit-
>01..." She bit her lip, averting her gaze. "Do you know how the Dummy Plug 
>system worked?"

Rebecca [Shinko]: Well, Gendo presses a "Berserk" button on his control 
panel, then the
EVA goes nuts and tears up everything in sight while the pilot sits back and 
wets himself.
Did I miss anything?
Celena [Ishako]: Um... just a bit.

>"Not exactly..." Shinko was a bit nervous and curious now.

Rebecca: [Shinko] Are you trying to tell me I'm adopted?

>"Well... basically, the whole of the Rei series was meant to be empty 
>templates... easily imprinted on,

Tsuneo: Reis pick up bad habits very easily.

>made to accept any pattern given to them. Unit-01's Dummy Plug was 
>imprinted with the signals of Shinji Ikari, the Third Child..."
>Ishako met Shinko's gaze again. "... Dear... you are that Dummy Plug.

Dan: You dummy.

>You were part of a batch of experimental materials seized from NERV just 
>before the Third Impact.

Dan: Along with Aoba's supply of Jolt.
Tsuneo: A whole heap of watermelons.
Celena: A mint in box giant Vamp.
Rebecca: And Gendo's secret pr0n stash.
Celena: Pr0n?
Rebecca: Damn.

>We thought that by stealing a Dummy Plug, we could learn how to alter our 
>own cloning techniques..."

Rebecca: They wanted to mass-produce Reis of their very own.
Celena: Why?
Rebecca: They could fund their program by selling them to the fanboys.

>Shinko stared off into empty space. This hit her, and hit her hard. "... 
>Are you trying to tell me.." she began slowly, "... That I'm nothing more 
>than a copy? I've not switched bodies... I... I was never IN the body of 
>Shinji Ikari?"

Tsuneo: ...and if you thought she had problems before, you ain't seen 
nothing yet.
Celena [Ishako]: Wait till I tell her that she's actually from a Kaworu 
dummy plug.

>Doctor Ichimi nodded.

Tsuneo: Could be worse, I guess.
Dan: How?
Tsuneo: Could you imagine if it was EVA-02's dummy plug?

>Shinko looked down at her IV tubes and slowly withdrew each from the small 
>ports.

Celena: [Shinko] Ouch. Owie. Ow. Pain.
Rebecca: [Ishako] You still need those, you know.
Celena: [Shinko] Dammit.

>"... Excuse me..." she said, and slid painfully out of the bed and made her 
>way to the bathroom. Ishako heard her throw up.

Dan: I suppose we should be grateful that she's not just fainting instead.

>'... I'm so sorry, Shinji.' Ishako thought, her face falling into sadness. 
>'I wish I could undo the past made for you by those bastards...

Rebecca: Oh sure, blame Gendo. He gets all the heat while Yui gets off 
scott-free.
Tsuneo: Well, she was kind of dead at the time.

>but now there's nothing left of them. The Past is truly dead... Now all 
>that's left is the cold, uncertain future.

Dan: What a horrible bleak future this is we live in!
Celena: Present.
Dan: Oh.

>'But I'll be there for you.' She nodded to herself with determination. 
>'I'll be there...'

Tsuneo: To mollycoddle her every step of the way.

>*******************
>NEON EXODUS EVANGELION

>Episode Two

>To Find A Heart
>*******************

Tsuneo: And we have title! Only a mere... eighty percent of the way through.

>Deep within the core units of the United Nations Ship ARK, two young men 
>stared up at a glowing, pulsating sphere of dark red energy.

Rebecca: It's the 2020 model Interocitor!

>Somehow, they sensed that it glared back at them,

Dan: [Ryu] I don't like that look on its face. It's cold, calculating... 
Almost
inhuman.
Tsuneo: [Kensuke] It is inhuman, sir.
Dan: SMACK!

>and it was enough to send shudders down the spine of one of them.

Tsuneo: [Kensuke] Should I turn down the air conditioning, sir?
Dan: [Ryu] Shut up, you're ruining the mood.

>The sphere was held in the bottom-most slot in an arrangement of thirteen 
>slots that looked like the Tree of Life, with a massive array of computer 
>consoles at the very bottom.

Tsuneo: That's very nice. What does it all do?
Dan: Well nothing really. But it looked so good on the brochure that they 
got a funding
boost.

>"I can't believe it." Kensuke muttered, glancing down at the control panels 
>that held the sphere in place. He adjusted his glasses

Tsuneo: [Kensuke] I've been practicing to do that thing Gendo does with his 
glasses.
Dan: [Ryu] Just shut up.

>and studied the screens. "But the computers all confirm it."

Celena: This is, indeed, a big glowing red thing.

>"Malkuth

All: Bless you.

>was captured too easily." Ryu mused, his hands clasped behind his back. He 
>looked at Aida, the ponytail that was typical of the Kaji family flipping 
>over his shoulder.

Rebecca: Along with webbed toes and bolts in the neck.

>"You don't suppose this was a sacrifice on the part of the Universal Soul, 
>do you? The whole containment process is still very untested."

Dan: I'd be able to answer if I knew what you were talking about.

>"Oh, come on." Kensuke said, beginning to type. "Doubting NERV was what got 
>your brother killed. You don't want to endanger your crew, do you?"

Dan: If it meant getting rid of a smart-mouthed Kensuke who constantly 
showed me up, I'd
do anything.

>Ryu frowned intensely at Kensuke and quickly strode over to his station, 
>clasping his shoulder hard. "Aida, I don't need that kind of reminder from 
>such a Loyalist like you."
>The two shot a hard glare at each-other.

Celena: Each with a pistol just centimetres from the other's face.
Tsuneo: Cool.

>There was a silence that was broken only by the muffled sounds of the 
>Angel's core,

[Dan blows a raspberry]

Dan: It was the core!

>until Kensuke spoke. "My grandfather gave his life so that I would make it 
>on the ARK in time. One of the last things he told me about was the 
>Vessels. I intend to see this project to its completion, CAPTAIN."

Rebecca: Ouch. Two nil to Kensuke.
Celena: Face it captain. You suck.

>More silence filled the room. Ryu turned quickly on his heel, his ponytail 
>nearly whapping Aida in the face.

Dan [Ryu, effeminate]: Bitch.

>He began to stride out of the room, "Don't forget your role as my Science 
>Officer, COMMANDER.

Dan: Say, does that rank make Kensuke the second in command?
Tsuneo: I think so.
Dan: So... What if something happens to the captain?
Tsuneo: The tactical officer is under orders to shoot Kensuke.

>I expect you to see to the repairs to Unit-01 immediately.

Rebecca: Weak comeback. Kensuke's got him whipped and he knows it.

>Also, see what you can do about assembling EVA Unit-03. We finally got the 
>parts sorted out."

All but Celena: ...
Celena: What? They just said they were going to re-build EVA-03. Okay, so 
it's a little
contrived, but it can't be that bad.
Tsuneo: Do you know how many EVA fics we've seen where EVA-03 is re-built 
better than before
with waykewl abilities and piloted by some unrepentant god-boy?
Celena: No.
Tsuneo: LOTS!
Celena: Ah.
Rebecca: It gets worse. As far as we know, how many EVA pilots do they have 
on board?
Dan: Two. Shinko and Commander Ke... Oh tool.

>"You're not serious. We don't have any pilots, and we'd have to replace the 
>S2 Engine with something more reliable--"

Tsuneo: Do we want to remind him that Kensuke's a pilot candidate, or do we 
want to remain
silent and prevent him from ever miking that mistake?
Rebecca: I'm torn.

>Ryu paused just before the massive sliding doors that read "GAUF" in large 
>roman script.

Rebecca: What's a Gauf doing here? Is it a Gauf Custom with the cool vulcan 
gun? Or even better,
a flying Gauf Custom?
Tsuneo: No.
Rebecca: Then it's that wild boy from FF3, right?
Tsuneo: No!

>"The other eleven Angels WILL attack us. It's just a matter of when. We're 
>headed for Mars, so we can expect that to be the next point of attack.

Dan: That's when they'll encounter the Jovian Lizards' main force.

>That gives us a month and a half.

Rebecca: [Ryu] Just enough time for another bath.

>We must be ready, especially if Ikari cannot fight."
>He gave a small glance over his shoulder. "Failure is not an option."
>With that, he walked out of the room, the massive doors parting for him, 
>and quickly shutting again, locking.

Tsuneo: So he left Kensuke on his own inside a room full of computers and 
Angel cores? What
kind of an idiot is this guy?
Celena: An idiot who is in a position of authority.
Rebecca: The worst type.

>Aida looked where his captain had went for a few seconds, then turned to 
>look at the pulsating orb at the bottom of the Tree of Life arrangement.

Dan [Kensuke]: You know, that would look really good in my living room.

>"I agree." he mused, furrowing his brow. "... I shall not fail."

Tsuneo: So the fate of mankind is in Kensuke's hands? We're cooked.

>"... I sincerely doubt I'll ever get used to this."
>Doctor Ichimi smiled a bit, trying to comfort her. "Oh, don't worry, dear! 
>You look beautiful!"
>"Yeah. I doubt I'll ever get used to that."

Rebecca: Face it, Shin-girl. Either you're going to have to learn to be your 
own clone
or put up with Dr Happypills here bubbling over you for the rest of your 
unnatural life.

>Shinko was standing in front of a mirror, wearing a long, flowing blue 
>dress. The dress covered her shoulders and upper arms and had a normal 
>neckline, which she debated over for quite some time. The male inside of 
>her wanted to be modest, and was quite embarrased at the fact it was 
>wearing a dress...

Celena: Geez, give the poor girl a little choice. She might *want* to wear 
pants instead.
Rebecca: That's right. Heck, it might make her a little more comfortable.
Celena: That's right. If she wants to be, she can be a butch, masculine Rei 
clone. [She
bursts into maniacal laughter]

>and yet, he couldn't help but admit that, yes, this form was somewhat 
>attractive.

Dan [Shinko]: I'd like to be alone for a while, with a full-length mirror. 
[Rebecca and Celena
stomp a mudhole in him.]

>A very small part of him kinda wanted to show it off-- but then he'd hit 
>that wall of being embarassed again.

Celena: Well that proves it. No matter what happens, he's still Shinji.

>Doctor Ichimi helped her pick out this dress, which nicely matched her hair 
>colour.

Celena: I guess even after the armageddon people want to go shopping.
Rebecca: Don't you know, Rei's a mallrat.
Celena: She is?
Rebecca: Yeah, she's Silent Bob.
Celena: Actually, this is beginning to seem disturbingly like Dogma by 
now...

>"Oh, come on." Ishako said. "Why don't you give it a twirl?"
>"... A twirl?"
>"Yeah! You know... a twirl!"
>She illustrated by quickly spinning in place, arms slightly out, which made 
>her lab coat billow out. Ishako went a little red in the cheeks, but then 
>sighed. She raised her arms a bit and spun around slightly, making the 
>dress billow out a bit.

Rebecca [Shinko]: Does this make my bum look big?
Tsuneo: *Nothing* could make Rei's bum look big.

>She felt a breeze on her legs and, yes, all the way up to her thighs, which 
>made her gasp a bit.

Dan: Panties! [Celena slugs him in the arm, while Rebecca slugs him in the 
other arm]

>"What's wrong?"
>"N-n-nothing! I just... felt a draft. Don't girls get cold in these?"

Celena: Don't ask me.

>Ishako laughed. "Yeah, sometimes we do. Some of us just get resiliant, 
>though. I don't wear dresses much."

Celena: So then why are you shoving her into one rather than giving her the 
choice of
skirt or pants?
Rebecca: Well, either Shin-girl here is filling in for the daughter she 
never had or
she has some pretty dirty motivations.

>Shinko turned toward the mirror again and nervously ran her hands along the 
>skirt. "Well... it's... not a bad dress." she conceded.

Dan: Once again, poor Shinji ends up in women's clothing.
Rebecca: He's got a passable excuse this time.
Celena: At least it isn't bright red rubber. Wearing something like that 
could give
a man a serious reputation.

>"You're going to need something more than a Plug Suit." Ishako reminded 
>her,

Rebecca: And I don't think a school uniform will suffice around here.

>"Unless you want to wear a hospital gown the whole time you're here."
>"No thank you! The draft was worse in that-- but at least I knew to expect 
>it."
>The Doctor laughed again. "Then I'll see the clerk about buying it."

Celena: [Shinko] Have you got any of that Gainax lingerie here? [Tsuneo 
raises a
cushion, looks at Celena, and meekly puts it down]

>"... Ishako, I don't understand...

All: We noticed.

>how can they have a whole prominade like this inside the ship?

Rebecca: It's a big ship. Next!

>How can they just have businesses and... and..."
>"... And carry on like normal people, when they know what's going on?"
>Shinko nodded.

Tsuneo: Well what about the crew? What are they meant to do in their spare 
time?
Dan: Play Counterstrike endlessly?
Tsuneo: Silly me.

>"Well, for one, YOU try to pack 10,000 people into a relatively small space 
>and tell them to do nothing... we built the Prominade so that they'd have 
>something to do."

Celena: So everyone's going to spend the entire trip to Mars hanging out at 
the mall in
their spare time?

>"Ten thousand? I thought you said that the ARK held 144,000 people..."
>"It does. But only 10,000 are ever awake at a given time. The others are 
>all in Cryostasis."

Dan: I guess they're the ones who bought the economy-class tickets.
Tsuneo: So do they keep cycling them in and out, or what?
Celena: Actually, I want to know why they bother unfreezing people they 
don't need.
Rebecca: Ironically they over-booked the flight.

>"Oh..."
>Shinko looked out at the throngs of people in the Prominade. "... Did I... 
>hurt anyone in the last battle?"

Celena [Ishako]: No-one we know or care

>"... There were a few injuries." Ishako said, fumbling for her ID card.

Celena: Some buildings were damaged. There were a few civilian casualties. 
Rating D-.
You blow goats.
Rebecca [Chirpy]: Don't worry about it, Shinko. You did the best you could, 
which isn't
much, really.

>"A few injuries? Didn't the Angel's lance pierce the hull?"
>The Doctor quickly gave her card to the clerk, who swiped it through. She 
>simply said nothing. Shinko sighed and hung her head. 'Of course.' Shinji 
>thought, glancing down at the pale white form he wore, covered by the light 
>blue dress. 'Ritsuko and Misato would say the same thing...'

Tsuneo: End fic!
Celena: You know, there's one thing that I really can't stand.
Rebecca: What's that?

[Celena pulls out a double-barrelled shotgun and unloads it into the TV]

Celena: Weak-willed, stroppy, teary female stereotypes.

[Dead silence]

Rebecca: I agree.
Voice: Well, um, thanks for that.
Celena: No problem. I'll happily destroy your TV any time.
Voice: That's not what I meant.
Celena: I know.
Voice: Well, um... That's fine then. Can I have your reviews?
Tsuneo: Despite the original setting and the mostly original cast, it amazes 
me that the
story still manages to be a rehash of the first two episodes. In fact, 
through the end
of the last chapter and the start of this one, it was copied almost scene 
for scene.
I mean, it has a lot of potential as a setting, but it's just going to 
waste.
Celena: I'll he blunt. I hate Ishako. She's a weak, stroppy, girlish female 
stereotype
who's meant to be in a position of authority here. At least Ritsuko and 
Misato seemed
capable of standing on their own feet, but I always get the feeling Ishako's 
about to
burst into a blubbering mess. That and the way she seemed determined to 
mould Shinji in
her own image just plain pissed me off.
Dan: The set up of this ship just got me. I mean, not only have they got a 
chicken wuss
for a captain and Kensuke for a science officer, but I've got to wonder 
about the whole
shopping mall in the middle. I mean, why do thewy need ten thousand people 
out of cold
storage anyhow, if their trip is only going to take a couple of months? 
Weird.
Rebecca: You know, initially I kind of liked this fic. It had a new twist on 
the
Evangelion universe and seemed to be avoiding a lot of the mistakes and 
clichés of EVA
fanfics. Also, science officer Kensuke meant that I could get a few yucks 
off it.
Unfortunately, the author decided to bring back EVA-03, which is probably 
the single
*worst* pitfall of EVA fiction. I suspect that if it goes on from here, 
it'll end up
spiralling into being a mess of the world's worst Evafic clichés.
Celena: Well that was a waste of precious time.
Rebecca: Like the election, really.
Dan: True. I can't believe that I failed to predict a single result.
Tsuneo: Dan, you were *drunk* when you made your calls.
Dan: So? That's still no excuse.
Celena: So what happens now? Do I get the job or don't I?
Rebecca: Well, now that you've gone through the test, we'll move to the 
office and
go to the review stage.
Celena: By that you mean "Go to the pub and get pissed", right?
Tsuneo: Pretty much.
Celena: So you won't really be reviewing my application, will you?
Dan: Well, not really, no.
Celena: So you'll just be hanging around in a pub getting drunk, right?
Rebecca: Yes.
Celena: Good. Let's go.
Rebecca: That's a definite plus to you.

[They get up and leave. The Kirov buzzes past the TV's ruins, then the 
screen goes blank]

Voice: I've got to stop letting them in here early. [Pause] And will 
somebody get
rid of that thing?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@elmerstudios.com) & Zogster
(jinas@elmerstudios.com)

Celena, Dan and Tsuneo Tateo are copyright 1995-2001 Max Fauth (Zogster)
Rebecca Bartley is copyright 1995-2001 Alex Fauth (Rick
R. Mortis).

Elmer Studios!:
	http://www.elmerstudios.com
	All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, random
	DELTA Invasion Episode Generator and the Satellite of Rednecks in one
	spot.

Rick's Cruel Mockery of HTML:
	http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
	Fighters Anthology .lib and mission files, utterly disturbing Nova
	Satori shrine, Osama Bin Laden's Camel, the AntiKevs and Fanfic Carp,
	all in one big steaming pile.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>I'm getting used to Rei's body... it seems she spent a lot of time in 
>hospitals."

    Source: geocities.com/timessquare/realm/2628

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