DoZ 7 Episode 1: Audience Nill

[Scene: The DoZ 7 set. Technicians are running amok hauling around crap and putting things in places. Bits of prop and set are lying around all over the place. The cast are wandering around half in costume clutching at bits of script and shouting at each other Rick R. is standing in front of the directors chair shouting.]

Rick R: OK! Can I have everyone’s attention! Attention please people! Attention. [Pulls out a Uzi and fires it into the air. Everyone stops what they were doing and stares at him]. Now I know that we’ve got some problems -

Basara: The script’s not finished!

Rick R: Well, yes, but-

Paploo: The songs aren’t written yet!

Rick R: I know that but-

Ghosty: The FX Team is on strike!

Rick R: I was just getting to that-

Macross: And there’s no coffee in the coffee machine!

[At which point everyone starts running around again. Rick R. pulls out a shotgun and blasts the refreshments table into pieces. Everyone looks at him again]

Rick R: As I was saying…. I know we have some problems. But the show is already way over budget and way behind schedule. The network wants this show out on time. So I want everyone to go with what we’ve got, and fudge what we don’t have. Now, any questions!

Naia: Can I go bathroom?!

Rick R: No! Now places everyone! And someone get Ghosty to makeup!

Jinas: Certainly! Heheheheheheh….. [Picks up a chainsaw and grins]

[DoZised M7 opening]

Voice Over: In the year 1999 a really big ship hit the earth. So we fixed it. In 2009 we were invaded by the Zentraedi. They whupped our asses, but we won. In the year 2012, the Happy New Government sent the first of it’s colony ships, SDF-MegaDateKill-01 on the first colonisation mission. In 2030, the first of the DoZ Class Colony ships departed from Earth. In 2037, DoZ 7 Departed from earth. [Pause]. In 2038, they returned, turned off the light in Captain Macross’ bathroom and left again. [Pause] The year is 2045. The name of the place is Babylon 5…. .err…… DoZ 7.

[Scene: A small concert bowl on the outskirts of DoZ 7 City. Three of the four members of FirePoster are warming up; Naia Genius, Anjay Lovelock and Miss Praxis. There is a tiny crowd who look bored out of their tiny little skulls.]

Naia: Where is he?

Anjay: Dunno.

Praxis: [Mutters] Probably hanging a sh*t.

Naia: Wha?

Praxis: [Bashes her drums].

Naia: Does she ever do anything else?

Anjay: Probably not. She gets paid by the line, you know. Keeps the budget down.

Praxis: [Beats the drums very loudly]

Naia: True. She is a drummer. Three-letter words are about her limit.

Praxis: [Bashes drums very loudly]

Anjay: We’d better start. The audience is getting uglier.

Naia: [Looks at crowd]. That’s pretty hard. [Muttered] I’ll pulverise the little creep. [Nightmare X - her pet Tribble - jumps on her shoulder] And where were you?

Nightmare: Squeeek! [Wouldn’t you like to know!]

[The three of them start bashing some tune out badly. Pan up to a nearby hill. We see Captain Macross standing next to his car observing the scene through his binoculars.]

Macross: If I’d known she was going to run away and join this band I wouldn’t have paid for those piano lessons. [Pause] or the dental work. Or the football coaching. Or the child psychologist… [mutters off].

[Pan up to the top of the dome. We see Paploo hanging from the roof in a Batman costume. He opens his eyes and smiles]

Paploo: Time for my big entrance! [He unbuckles his shoes and free-falls from the dome] Now for the parachute…. [Pulls the cord. Nothing happens]. Crap. [Flaps his arms frantically].

[Pan back down to the concert]

Naia: [Muttered] I’m gonna kill the little runt if he doesn’t show up in 30 seconds.

[True to form, 29 seconds later, Paploo lands head first on the frond row, demolishing it. His parachute opens, and covers him. He leaps out of it in his concert clothes with a goofy grin on his face.

Naia: Where were you?!

Paploo [Different Voice]: Paploo? Who’se he? [Grabs guitar]

Anjay [Muttered]: Hello, Marduk!

Marduk: Let’s get this road on the go! Or whatever! [Begins singing]

[Song: The White Stuff by Weird Al Yankovic]

[Pan up to hill]

Macross: I’ll never understand this crazy modern rhythm-style singing. [Sighs].

[There is a bleep from his car. He walks over to it and picks up his phone].

Bridge Bunny #1: Captain, this is the bridge.

Macross: No, it’s my car phone, but do go on.

BB1: Captain, a half-hour ago we lost contact with patrol ship PT109. We think we may be under attack.

Macross: Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

BB1: South Park was still on.

Macross: [Muttered] I knew I shouldn’t have hired those Starfleet ensigns… [Normal] Scramble all fighters! Put Diamond Force on alert! Brush after every meal! Call your mother! [Gets in his car and drives off]

[Scene changes to hanger bays. Fighter pilots- all wearing red uniforms - are climbing into their VF-11s (which are white with red highlights!) and launching into battle]

[Scene changes to the Bridge. Captain Macross walks in. Pan around the bridge to see Bridge Bunnies #1 and #2, as well as Ghosty - or at least his head. He is sucking on a slurpee]

Macross: Situation report!

BB1: The enemy has reached the fourth wall! There’s lots of little green things on the screen! Stuff happened! It was cool!

BB2: And Cloud decided to go out with Aeris even though he’s in love with Tifa.

Macross: Hopeless.

Ghosty: Hey, you hired them.

Macross: You recommended them.

Ghosty: They’ve got cute asses. What can I say?

Macross: [Punches Ghosty] Launch Diamond Force immediately!

[Dogfight sequence. Lots of VF-11s get blown up. Occasionally a VF-11 will be grabbed by the enemy Elgerzorene and "zapped" with a green beam. The pilots of those mecha look stunned - like someone who’s just read this drivel.]

[Scene change to the exterior of DoZ 7. Three VF-17s rise out of launch bays. Cut to the interior of the the lead VF-17.]

Jinas: OK Men! Here we go! Now remember! We are the best of the best of the proud of the few of the brave! No-one won a war by dying! Ask not what your country can do for you but always remember that the price of victory is eternal vigilance. A rolling stone….

[Cut to the outside to see that the other two VF-17s have launched]

Scotty: Man, does he ever shut up?

Basara: He’s our leader. One of the privileges of being the leader is that you get to launch into long-winded monologues when going into battle.

Scotty: Oh.

Basara: And quit padding your part.

[Dogfight sequence. Diamond force Rampage their way through the enemy mecha, blowing them up left, right and centre.]

Basara: These guys are tough.

Jinas: But slow and dumb! Ha, they’re so slow, even my grandmother could outdo them. And as for dumb! My neighbour’s neurotic Miniature Fox Terrier could show them a thing or two! Give me a true enemy! One with skill! One with courage! One with honour…..

Scotty: He doesn’t half go on, does he?

Basara: Shut up Scotty.

Scotty: Ya ya….. Hey! I’m going after that one! I’ll make the boss proud of me!

[Cut to the cockpit of Rob Giglestein’s Elgerzorene (Which, by the way, is hot purple with flames on the intakes & leading edges/shoulders & hips)]

Rob: Bwahahahahaha! This is too easy! These little samples must be crapping their pants in terror!

Nameless Drone #1: Sir, why do you always talk to yourself like that?

Rob: Shut up, Namless Drone #1.

Nameless Drone #1: Shutting up sir.

Rob: Mwuahahahahaha! Now for a real challenge! [Rob’s Elegerzorene flies towards Diamond force and begins mixing it up with them]

Jinas: Damn! He’s fast!

Scotty: I’ll get him! [Scotty flies at him full gusto and, predicably enough, gets zapped after a short fight].

Basara: Gyaaaaaa!

Jinas: Gyaaaaa!

Basara: Told you stop padding your part.

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[Back to the show]

[DoZ 7 Bridge]

BB2: Our pilots are being zapped by a green beam and rendered helpless! It’s like they’ve been rendered totally mindless.

Macross: Ghosty, have you ever heard of such a weapon?

Ghosty: I have heard of two such weapons. Haim Saban and Ratliff Gas. This sounds like neither of them.

Macross: Thank god. For a minute I thought we were in real trouble.

BB1: The enemy has broken through the Fourth Wall! They’re heading towards City 7!

Macross: Order the city to go Shell-Down! Cancel the three-ringed circus! Close all shops in the mall!

[Cut to the stadium. FirePoster is continuing their act much to the dismay audience]

Marduk: Are you enjoying this?

Audience: [Bored] Yeah.

Naia: Is he on something?

Anjay: Probably something sugar-laden. Live with it. A quick whack on the head should get us Paploo back.

Naia: You go through a lot of female vocalists, don’t you?

Anjay: How did you guess?

[Naia is about to reply when bits of the "sky" begin turning off, revealing the stars and Blue Space around the ship]

Naia: What’s happening?

Anjay: Well, we’re either under attack, or someone’s turned up their stereo too loud again.

[DoZ 7 Bridge]

BB1: There’s a call for you on line one captain.

Macross: Who is it?

BB1: I’m not sure. It sounds like a deranged maniac.

Macross: That would be the mayor. Excuse me. Don’t take your eyes off the monitor! [They all look ahead. He picks up the phone] Hello? Yes… yes… yes… yes… yes…. What? Oh…. [looks at his shoe] Size 9. Yes… yes… yes…. Ok. Thankyou. [Hangs up the phone] Bitch. [Clears throat]. I SAID "SHELL DOWN" YOU MORONS! NOT SKY OFF!

BB1 & BB2: Sorry.

Macross: Now let’s try that again….

Ghosty: You were probably like that your first time.

Macross: Was not!

Ghosty: Yeah, right.

[Back to the concert. Everyone is gawping at the sky when several fighters fly overhead. There is a loud explosion that rocks the stadium]

Naia: What’s going on?

Anjay: Either we’re under attack or someone has been hitting the beans way to hard.

[They both stare at Marduk]

Marduk: What?

[Another explosion. Bits of debris go flying. One of Miss Praxis’ drums is ripped. Marduk grabs Naia.

Anjay: Definitely an attack then.

Marduk: Cool beans! Time for some fun then!

Naia: Er Marduk…….. DON’T GRAB ME THERE! [Biffs Marduk, sending him flying]

[A loud siren goes off and several shelters rise up from the ground.]

Naia: We’re heading for the shelters. You coming Marduk?

Marduk [Different Voice]: Who?

Anjay: [Mutters something]. I said, we’re heading for the shelters, Paploo.

[Anjay, Naia and the audience run to the shelters.]

Paploo: Just keep playing. I’m outta here!

[The band begins playing. Paploo runs from the stadium, inadvertently flattening the Flower Girl. He runs through some corridors, over some rocks, through fields, over some more rocks, through the woods….]

Paploo: Man, am I ever lost.

[Into a run-down residential area, through some houses including a young lady’s shower ^_^, up some stairs, down a hall and eventually opens the door to reveal his hot-Red VF-19kai]

Paploo: Allrighty!

[Back to the space dogfight. We see another Elgerzorene "zap" a VF-11. There is some sort of strange, blobby, glowing thing superimposed on the VF-11. Pull back to reveal that this is all on the bridge of a mystery ship and being being observed on a huge screen by a fat, bearded man with pale skin and dark lipstick who is wearing long flowing robes and a visor. Did I mention that they’re also using a PowerMac?]

[Back to the Dogfight. Paploo’s VF-19 flies through the fighting, skilfully dodging all the shots the bad guys are throwing at him. He transforms the mecha into Battloid Mode. The VF-19 fires off several small pods that hit the Elgerzorenes and dig into their armour, but do not explode or anything]

Paploo: Ok Cats! Let’s groove!

[Song: I was only kidding by Weird Al Yankovic]

[Bridge of DoZ 7]

BB1:What the hell is that?

Macross: See if we can establish communication with it!

[Paploo’s face fills the screen]

Macross: Paploo…. [Groans]

[The concert]

Anjay: Connect wire A to tab B…. Got it! [The screens around the concert light up, showing the VF-19 in action. Paploo’s singing is broadcast over the speakers.]

Naia: What’s he doing?

Anjay: Singing apparently.

[Pause]

Naia: I KNEW THAT!

[Back outside. Basara’s VF-17 is busy flying around the VF-19]

Basara: Hey you! Cut that out! This is a military operation!

[Paploo keeps singing]

Basara: I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but you’re certainly pissing me off!

[Paploo keeps singing]

Basara: Listen to me! I am the Blue Thund…. Er…. Um.

[At which point Rob tries to take some chunks out of the two of them. Dogfight sequence. Cut to the bridge of the mystery ship. The blobby-glowy thing is now superimposed on the VF-19. The man stares at it with interest and then removes his visor to reveal very pale eyes and… blond hair?]

[Back to Rob’s Elgerzorene. The VF-19 is on his screen]

Rob: That’s odd… the sensor’s seem to be malfunctioning…. [Kicks the cockpit interior] That’ didn’t work…. [Something bleeps]. Damn it. Fatty’s calling. [Pause]. All units! We have achieved our damage tote for the day! Withdraw!

[The Elgerzorenes retreat. Cut to the cockpit of the VF-19]

Paploo: They didn’t want to hear all of my song….

[Closing sequence]

[Back on the set]

Rick: Well, that was pretty good, all things considered. Well done. One down, only 30-something to go!

[At which point everyone begins running around and screaming again]