Warning: This is D.N.A's first attempt at a script, so some cringing is to be expected. Plenty of blood and violence here as well.
Host: Hi, this is your host for this next hour of trashy entertainment. Today's topic: "I can't believe they're replacing me!" Our first guest, Yuffie from the RPG of the same name!
Yuffie: (strides out from behind the curtains to a round of canned applause) Hi, Host! First of all, I'd like to say: "I can't believe they're replacing me!"
Host: Sources tell me that the new Yuffie VIII is coming out soon for a certain game system that I cannot mention for fear of getting into a legal mess. Now, you...
(Muffled cries emit from behind the curtains. Tifa barges on stage, a stagehand still hanging onto her foot.)
(Tifa kicks stagehand into the audience. Some audience members scream. The stagehand lands with a thud and never regains consciousness in this world.)
Tifa: Hi, I'm Tifa. Forgive my interruption, but I believe you're slightly misinformed about the games, Host. We're from the RPG called Tifa VII, and "I can't believe they're replacing me!" with the soon-to-be-released Tifa VIII.
Yuffie: (condescendingly) Ah ha ha ha. Poor Tifa, all bust and no brains. Not only is your punctuation and grammar pathetic, you don't even know the name of the game you come from.
Tifa: There's only one way to settle this. (flexes her hand) Slapping contest!
Yuffie: Ha ha, no, thank you. (Host: Curses!) Let's call forth an impartial third party. Cid!
Cid: (saunters forth to the sound of canned applause) Hey, I'm Cid. "I can't believe they're replacing me!" But still, a star is a star, and I'm single, ladies.
Tifa: (lifts Cid up by his neck) Who's the star?
Cid: (gasps for air) You, of course, heh heh.
Tifa: And what game are you from?
Cid: (struggling to breathe) Heh, Tifa VII.
Tifa: Soon to be replaced by...
Cid: (turning blue) Tifa VIII.
Tifa: Of course.
(Tifa tosses Cid aside. He crashes into the audience and collapses on the floor.)
Cid: (thoughtfully) Argh.
Host: Good job, Tifa! Yuffie, are you going to let her get away with that? Come on, that shuriken's not there for decoration.
Yuffie: Actually, Host, I'd like Barrett to step forth before Tifa kills everyone.
Host: (glad to have more aggressive people on stage) All right, then. Barrett, step forth!
Barrett: (steps forth to more canned applause) Hey, what's all this talk about the name of the game? I thought I was here because "I can't believe they're replacing me!"
Host: Well, yeah, but Tifa was doing such a good job...
Barrett: (lifts up Host by the collar) But I want to whine about how "I can't believe they're replacing me!" I want to complain about how "I can't believe they're replacing me!" (shakes Host) I wanna gripe and curse and babble and make no sense about how "I can't believe they're replacing me!"
Host: (fighting for consciousness) Yeah, sure...Tifa?
Tifa: Well, "I can't believe they're replacing me!" with that new (ahem) Tifa VIII. Surely I am the final word on well-endowed heroines. I guarantee that no one in Tifa VIII will compare with me for pure aesthetic appeal!
Barrett: (nods. He drops Host to the ground because he is incapable of nodding and shaking a person at the same time) And I must be the ultimate in mindless flesh. How can anyone even consider bringing out Tifa VIII after seeing the brute perfection that is myself?
Yuffie: How could they, after all that money I gave them to put me in the game?! Err...that is...the money I gave them to donate to the local charity...heh.
Host: Sure, Yuffie. By the way, that was taped. Send me a couple million later and it'll never show up in court. Anyway, Barrett, aren't you so mad you could beat someone up?
Barrett: (scratches his head in thought) Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I do feel a little homicidal.
Host: Excellent! Here's our next guest, Vincent!
