(Curtain parts and Link peeks in)
Link: Oh, sorry, Host, didn't mean to interrupt. I was just looking for the other talk show.
Host: You want "I can't believe how immensely successful and popular I am!" That's two rooms over.
Link: Thanks a lot.
Host: Hey, sharp suit, Link.
Link: Thanks, it's a gift from the Queen.
Host: Zelda?
Link: No, Elizabeth II. (Walks off, whistling)
Barrett: Successful and popular?! How dare he? (charges into the curtains)
(some scuffling sounds come from behind the curtains followed by a swishing sound like someone swishing a sword. Whistling continues and fades slowly.)
Barrett: (stumbles back into his seat minus an eyebrow) Yeah, I showed that kid. You should have seen the way he ran.
Host: Sure, Barrett. Anyhow, do you have any idea why they might have done this to you? You all claim to be great actors, so what's the problem?
Vincent: Vell, clearly the problem doesn't rest with us since ve did our jobs fine. I'd say that it vas Aeris. She kept complaining about her contract. She vanted more perks or something.
Yuffie: Yeah, but they fired her fast. Even made it into a nice plot device.
Sephiroth: I think helping to fire Aeris was the highlight of my professional career.
Yuffie: (condescendingly) Ah ha ha, right, Sephiroth, real professional. Running around putting swords into people.
Sephiroth: (humourlessly) Ha ha. Seriously, though, I think that is the first thing people think of when they see me. Who would have guessed that the dismissal of a colleague would become the defining point of my career?
Yuffie: Well, she deserved it. She got too worked up when she found out she wasn't going to be matched up with Cloud. (aside to Host) She'd hoped that it would boost her ratings.
Tifa: Yeah, well, I think we were all pretty depressed when we learned who Cloud was being paired with. I fired my agent when I heard he made the deal.
Vincent: Ah, so thirsty...I vant to suck some blood!
Host: Actually, I am a little thirsty. Stagehand!
(stagehand brings in a tray of liquid refreshments. Everyone downs theirs except for Vincent and Sephiroth. The former only drinks blood and the latter used his to drown the stagehand.)
Tifa: Where were we? Oh, yeah, Cloud. All hair and bravado, no personality whatsoever. This is probably all his fault.
Yuffie: (whispers to Tifa) Actually, the same can be said of Sephiroth.
Tifa: (whispers back) Yeah, but it's safer to put the blame on someone who's not a homicidal maniac.
Barrett: Cloud! It must have been Cloud! With a name like that, he must be a bad actor!
Vincent: Thirsty, so thirsty...
Host: Well, is everone geared up to beat up on Cloud? Are you? Are you? Yeah? Well, here's Cloud!
Sephiroth: Where's that sword? Excuse me, Yuffie, mind if I borrow your shuriken for a moment? Thanks, I'll take care of it.
(curtains part and Cloud walks in to the sound of canned applause. He is clearly oblivious to the conversation that just ensued)
Cloud: Hi, Host! Well, "I can't believe they're..."
Vincent: (throws himself upon Cloud) Blood! I crave blood!
(Vincent digs his fangs into Cloud's jugular while Sephiroth attacks with the shuriken. Barrett stomps on the body)
Tifa: Hey, save some for me, people! (pushes into the brawl)
Yuffie: (standing to one side) Sephiroth, you're getting guts all over it! You're going to have to pay the cleaning fees, I'm afraid. Hey, keep the blood on your side!
Host: (turns to camera and shakes head in a wise manner) When society turns its back on the people, there's nothing the people can do but turn their backs on society. When we're betrayed, who knows how our anger will twist us? Violence is never the answer, but somehow that's always the solution we turn to.
Barrett: Hey, when we're done, we can go over and beat up those guys over in "I can't believe how immensely successful and popular I am!"
Host: (sadly) There's always a lesson in a tragedy, and this is no exception. Don't name your child Cloud. This is your host, bidding you all farewell.
D.N.A saw all the above events in a vision. As a sign that the above is true, the great Sephiroth has shown himself to D.N.A in the form of a potato. Yes, the likeness of Sephiroth on the potato is so striking it can be nothing less than a sign of his approval.
