answer

Naru and the Savages

by Gradient

Visit Her Page

PG-13

[ PG-13 : Occurs after Episode 102 ]

* * * * * * *

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

--- Albert Einstein

* * * * * * *

["----dial----is--as---plea-----pond"]

["--peat,---Eu-----his-i--bas---lease--espo--"]

["Eudial----is----as---------espond."]

The person in question fumed as she realized that she was about to exit from the traffic tunnel into the accursed outside where radio signals traveled freely.

["Repeat. Eudial, this is Kaolinite at base. Please respond."]

She almost swerved off the road as she angrily grabbed the microphone from its holder.

"Shut up you damn harpie! I'm tired of hearing your scraggly voice all the time! Why can't you just leave me alone?!? I'm on assignment under deep cover!"

["Hah! Deep cover? How many other decrepid hatchbacks are careening through the city at 200 kph? Yeah, right."]

"It's something known as 'style', my dear. Perhaps one day you'll persuade me to explain to you how to look it up in something we women of letters like to call a 'book'. I'll even use small words with no kanji. But until then, get off this frequency and let me finish my assignment!"

["Finish? Don't make me laugh. Anyway, your assignment just changed, Eudial. This is a direct order from the Professor. At this moment the Talismans can wait. We need to eliminate Sailor Moon before we can make any real progress on that front. We've been running an analysis here cross-referenced against past appearances of Sailor Moon and we believe that we have located an individual that will surely know who Sailor Moon really is, if she is not Sailor Moon herself. Her address and profile are being uploaded to your computer now. Acquire the target and bring her to the Professor immediately. Intact, Eudial."]

Eudial glanced over to the picture forming on her Witches Five viewscreen. "You *cannot* be serious."

["The Professor's computers indicate--"]

"Oh, I know all about the Professor's 'computers'. What's he done this time? Hooked three Gameboys up parallel with a Slinky and a squirrel on a treadmill? Considering the way you handle things on your end, it's no surprise the Professor had to subcontract out the work of finding the Talismans to us. It's a divine wonder you can even spell Pharaoh 80 or 90 or whatever, much less attempt to summon it."

["Why you blasphemous witch! How dare you even suggest that *we're* the incompetent ones in this operation! I'll have you know---"]

"Oh, sorry Kaolinite . . . hiss, crackle . . . we seem to be breaking up on this end . . . hiss, hiss . . . call you back later!"

["Eudial! That's just you saying 'hiss' and 'crackle'! Do your job, Eudial! Do your job or the Professor will find someone to do it for you-------------******X"]

In some sense, it was probably ironic that Kaolinite's sentence ended just as the Witches Five mobile radio receiver hit the hard surface of the main thoroughfare between Setagaya and Minato after being thrown through a particularly disaffected car window.

*********************

As the vehicle cautiously rolled onto a dark corner of the junior high school's soccer field, its owner's eyes rolled backward as well.

"How droll."

Eudial sighed as she realized that a perfect opportunity to find the Talismans for herself had gone astray in favor of a half-witted stakeout and kidnap operation. Career advancement in the Witches Five proceeded in much the way Darwin had described it over a century ago. If survival of the fittest would mean engaging in these pointless little extravagances at the Professor's whim, then she would do it, albeit grudgingly.

"I suppose I might as well get started," she spoke to herself, before picking up a minirecorder stashed among the paper forest that was her glove compartment. She rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes for a few moments before pushing the record button.

"Thursday afternoon, parked near Juuban Junior High. Surveillance is underway. Classes have just dismissed for the day and students have started to exit the building. Target not yet sighted."

She rolled her eyes once more before raising an extraordinarily large pair of binoculars to them, knowing what she would see in advance. "Oh, look -- kids. Happy kids. Happy with their idol pop stars and frilly dresses and never-worry-about-tomorrow lives." She turned the lens toward the front steps where several groups of students were now beginning their trek home. "Disgusting."

"Scanning for target," she panned her binoculars across the front of the building. "There's one coming down the steps now -- reading a book, no, two books, and walking down stairs at the same time. Heh, those books must be her life. She'll never amount to anything. And the one behind her, different style of sailor fuku -- tall, very tall. Trying to be manly I see. Probably can't even cook a decent souffle. There's one behind her. It's hard to tell from here, but it looks like she has . . . odango on her head? My God, how much food can she stuff into her mouth? What a glutton. Still no sign of Sailor Moon, though." Eudial did not notice the figure staring at her from outside her car window.

"Surveillance has progressed five minutes and---"

"Excuse me."

"Target remains hidden---"

"Excuse me."

"Detection at this stage unlikely---"

"EXCUSE ME!"

When Eudial looked up, the first thing she saw was swirls. She jumped back until she realized it was just a trick of optics within his eyeglasses.

"Excuse me, but I don't think you're supposed to be here. Regulations state---" the boy raised a finger as he prepared to recite.

"Who . . . what are you?"

"As I was saying, regulations state---"

"Umino! Do you always have to be so rude to people who break one little rule?" As the boy heard the voice approaching from behind, he subconsciously cowered as he turned to face her.

"Er, sorry Naru. I just thought---"

"Go on home, Umino. I'll take it from here."

"But---"

The girl offered a stern glance to the boy, which finally prompted him to run off. She then turned her attention to the figure in the car, who had decided to rest her head on the steering wheel.

"Ma'am, I'm sincerely sorry about my friend's behavior. He tends to get a little carried away when it comes to the rules."

"Yeah, whatever. No prob--" as Eudial looked up, she suddenly recognized the face as that which she had seen on a viewscreen several minutes earlier, "---lem. Heh, heh, no problem at all. Say, little girl, do you want a nice, big, round cookie?"

"What?"

"C'MERE!!!" Eudial rapidly reached through the window and pulled the girl into the passenger seat with little resistance other than a gasp. The next sound Naru heard was the familiar click of a gearshift and the squeal of tires burning out.

* * * * *

Naru sat quietly in the passenger seat, cautiously observing both the vehicle and her new traveling partner.

"All that you need to know right now, little girl, is that if you sit there quietly and cooperate, you won't get hurt."

"So this *is* a kidnapping?"

"Hah! Not *just* a kidnapping. This is my criminal master stroke! The one which will finally consolidate my position!"

"You mean by taking a ninth grade girl from school grounds? What kind of position do you have anyway?"

Eudial looked over annoyedly to the girl: "I don't have to justify myself to you! But just so you can appreciate the genius of this moment, understand that I am a Witch, you are my prey, and your fate awaits at the end of this journey!" Eudial smiled at that dramatic little bit of prose.

"If you're a witch, where's your cat?"

"I'm not that kind of witch. Now be quiet!"

"How about a broom? Got a broom?"

"I said I'm not that kind . . . look, just shut up, okay? Then we'll all be happy."

"Hmmph." Naru looked around at the state of filth exhibited by the passenger compartment. "Should have known that you didn't have a broom."

"Silence! I don't take criticism from schoolgirls. Now be quiet. We've only got about ten minutes until we reach our destination."

Naru folded her arms and stared ahead angrily. Stared ahead to see the thick layer of dust that had accumulated upon the auto's dashboard.

"When exactly was the last time you cleaned this car?"

"Not since I stole it! Now be quiet!"

"You stole this car?" Naru repeated to herself, more as a fact than as a question, while slowly looking around. "Must have been slim pickings that day."

Eudial suddenly looked hurt. "It serves me! Now shut your trap!"

As Eudial cursed to herself while looking at the road ahead, she noticed a flash of white in her peripheral vision. Her passenger had produced a handkerchief and taken it upon herself to clean much of the dust.

"What . . . are . . . you . . . doing?"

"If you're not going to do it, somebody has to."

The next time Eudial looked over, Naru had already advanced on the post-it notes covering much of the rest of the auto's interior.

"Hey, hey! Stop that!"

"Well, I'm only trying to help. I was just cleaning up a few of your note-thingies." She picked up one in particular that had something that appeared to have an elaborate schematic design drawn in colored pencils. The device in question seemed to be based upon an inordinate number of knives, guns, and cartoon hammers. "Who is this orange-haired girl in the glasses and labcoat? And why does she have a target drawn on her chest?"

"None of your business! Just put it down!"

Eudial took a deep breath to calm herself. The target was needed intact, she thought to herself. Intact. Intact. Mostly intact. No, no, don't start that now. Intact. Sufficiently calmed, she continued:

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear earlier. Let me repeat myself just so there is no misunderstanding."

"Yes?"

"NO ONE TOUCHES EUDIAL'S RIDE!!!"

"Sheesh, lady! Haven't you ever heard of anger management therapy?"

"All right! THAT'S IT! One more peep out of you and I'll unleash the full fury of the Witches Five on you right here and now! *Are . . . we . . . clear?*"

"As an unmuddied brook."

"Then . . . not . . . another . . . word . . ."

"You know, you *really* should wear seatbelts."

"Good God! I ought to throw you out of the car right now! Can't you please just shut up?!?"

"Well, *excuse me* for being concerned about your driving safety. Why don't the police ever pull you over, anyway?"

"One: that's none of your business. Two: the plates on this car are registered to the Embassy of Liechtenstein. They hired the Witches last year to smuggle a boatload of commemorative postage stamps into Japan and this was part of our payment. Cunning devils, those Liechtensteinians! For all those fools in the Tokyo Traffic Force know, I've got diplomatic immunity!"

"You don't even know where Liechtenstein is, do you?"

"What? Of course I do, you imbecile! It's on a mobile fortress island of evil in the Caribbean! It only emerges from their shroud of poison fog when they initiate their wicked schemes to undermine Western economies!" Then something occurred to Eudial and she looked slightly worried: "Or, at least that's what Mimete told me . . . ."

Naru looked on as Eudial seemed lost in thought, having gone over ten seconds since looking at the road. "You didn't get your license anywhere around here did you?"

"License? Hah! We Deathbusters have grand plans of our own to take over the world -- a world blissfully free of the scourge of traffic court! License? Don't make me laugh."

"And kidnapping me is part of this 'grand plan'?"

"Yes," she thought for a moment before looking over to the girl concernedly, "I mean no," and then one further thought before looking over angrily, "I mean shut the hell up!"

The young girl quickly became restless in her filthy surroundings, however, and felt compelled to explore. It was only a matter of seconds, of course, before she noticed the large, bolted, metallic box in the back seat with a large black star emblazoned upon it. She had already begun prodding it by the time she asked her rather predictable question:

"Hey, what's in the box?"

"What the . . . WAIT! STOP!!!"

It was of course too late for Eudial to stop the daimon within the box from escaping. After the smoke and mist had cleared, the green creature rested contentedly on its levitating carpet in the rear compartment drinking what Naru guessed, based upon its aroma, to be an especially inviting flavor of tea.

"CHAGAMA!!!"

"DAMMIT! I was saving that one for a special occasion!" Eudial tightened her grip on the steering wheel.

"Bukubuku! Bumbuku!" the daimon snarled whilst pouring its tea.

"Bukubuku? *Bukubuku*? You're going to need to do better that that if you ever expect to stand a chance against Sailor Moon," Naru chuckled as she accepted the offer of a sample cup of Chagama's tea from the daimon in question.

"Little girl, you should mind your own business!" Eudial frantically looked into her dirtied mirrors to see whether the magical explosion within her wagon had been seen by the authorities.

"Actually, I *had* been wondering about that myself . . ," the daimon put its finger to its chin and looked upward as it made its occupational concerns known.

"Listen! I won't take any lip from you, you stupid daimon! So just stick yourself back into your box until I need you!"

"Oh, it's always your *needs*, isn't it? What a selfish nellie you are! Well, how about ours? Of course I can only speak for Chagama, but as a professional daimon, I resent having to be sent into battle with little more than a supposedly scary catchphrase to guard me against who knows what. And the dental plan . . ."

"Do you . . . *do you even know what you're saying?*"

"Hah! If you believe that daimon unionization is a pipe dream, then you're mistaken, honey! You just wait!"

"Oh yeah, right. Like you're indispensable . . . a lot of good you daimons have done so far. I read somewhere that a couple of leftover cardians from that outbreak last year were down by the docks doing odd jobs. I bet they'd like to come on board!"

"Oh, that's pretty low . . . playing the cardian scab card like that . . ."

"Would you please just shut up? I've got a headache and we've got to get to Tomoe's mansion by five. We've had this discussion before."

"Oh, oh, I see. Too good to hear the pleas of the working daimon . . . once again we see the true face of bourgeoisie evil from another dimension . . ."

"SHUT UP!!"

"QUIT OPPRESSING MY PEOPLE!!!"

"This tea is really quite exquisite . . ." Naru nodded in approval.

The next sensation she felt, however, was being thrown forward as Eudial slammed on her brakes to decelerate from 200 kph to only 150 kph. When she finally recovered, she noted that the lanes had become smaller and that there was a particularly imposing tractor trailer in front of them, blocking all passing lanes.

"Chagama, hand me the bazooka," Eudial said in a businesslike manner as she slid the sunroof above her open.

"Wait!" Naru blurted out. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm about to exercise my rights as a concerned citizen." She removed a pair of sunglasses from her pocket and engaged the car's cruise control.

"Here." Eudial grabbed Naru's hand and placed it on the wheel as she shimmied through the sunroof opening to get a better shot. "Steer."

"I can't drive! I don't even have a license!" Naru sputtered as she leaned over to grasp the steering wheel.

"Have you forgotten whom you're talking to?" Chagama sighed as it took another sip of tea. "Just enjoy the show."

Eudial smiled as she sat on the roof of the car, hair blowing in the wind, sunglasses at their hilt, ridiculously large weapon of doom on her shoulder. Truly, her element.

"Listen to Eudial, Sunday Driver! I've put up with you slowpokes for long enough! If it's not people like you, it's Sailor Moon! I can't have a normal life because of it! So here's a little present courtesy of the Witches Five!" She flipped the switch on the armament from "Pure Heart" to "Conventional" and squeezed the trigger in glee.

Unfortunately firing such a weapon from atop a moving vehicle at 150 kph is not a precise art. Eudial was, in fact, lucky to even hit the vicinity of the truck. The shell actually exploded as it impacted the road under the rear axle of the vehicle's trailer, at which point the back end of the aforementioned trailer was vaulted into the air ten feet, and upon its thunderous return to earth, the rear doors were jarred open, breaking the delicate lock that held them shut. The trailer's contents were now open to fall free.

Eudial looked on in shock as the dark, amorphous mass inside shifted and began to fly out toward her. She strained to discern the individual shapes within the mountain that now had her dead in its sights. She shook her head in disbelief as the mountain parted into tens of thousands of smaller, discrete forms, each about the size of her hand. Each piece wearing a Sailor Senshi Fuku.

Naru recoiled in sheer terror from inside: "Oh, no! UFO Catcher Dolls!"

Eudial barely had time to think before the tidal wave of plush rained down upon her.

"Oh, sh---"

* * * * *

It had been two minutes they had been waiting at the front door. Eudial seminervously tapped her foot after ringing the doorbell to the mansion again. Two minutes. Surely they had been expecting us.

"Address the man in glasses as 'Professor' if you know what's good for you. Until then, stay quiet and let me do the talking."

"Okay, for now." Naru brushed the remaining lint from the dolls off her dress.

"Not one word about that." Eudial sternly reminded her.

Naru winced as the large door rumbled open to reveal a rather disturbing smile, perhaps like the fly's last sight after being caught in the web.

"Hello, Eudial, it's 'good' to see you again. I thought you would be delayed. Something about a horrible stuffed toy disaster downtown. It's all over the news."

"Hello, Kaolinite. I have no idea what you're talking about; but you're looking . . . 'well'. Aren't you supposed to be in traction or something? I heard that you took a nosedive off Tokyo Tower last week."

"What? Oh, that. Not important. The important thing now is that you brought her." Kaolinite looked down at the hard copy image of the girl that she had printed and compared it to the person standing before her. "Hmmm . . . it really *is* her. All right Eudial, how *did* you do it? She just fell into your lap, right?"

"Hah, I see your social graces haven't progressed past the primate level they were at when last I visited. Now Spot, why don't you run downstairs like a good puppy and tell your master that we're here?"

"I'm not his pet, you dolt! And what kind of name for a dog is that? Spot. It's not even Japanese!"

"Because up until you called me on the radio today I had been under the pleasant assumption that was what you had ended up being. Spot. On the pavement below the Tower, that is." Eudial cracked her fingers defiantly.

"Grrrr . . . wait here, I'll tell the Professor that you have arrived. Someone will be here shortly to entertain you in the meantime. Until then . . . DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

"Oh, really?" Eudial smiled as she seductively put her right index finger to her mouth, licked the edge, and then pressed it against an oil painting hanging beside her. "Whatever makes you think I'd do something like that?"

Kaolinite simply fumed to herself as she exited, not wanting to let Eudial see that she had indeed gotten the better of her.

"Now what?" Naru asked with some measure of trepidation.

"Take a seat over there," Eudial pointed to an uncomfortable looking small chair wedged between two columns. "We wait." The witch then took a sweeping glance at her comparatively elegant surroundings and then pulled up to the Professor's painting which she had just 'marked' to further examine it. The dull nature of the piece only prompted Eudial to say what was on her mind:

"What a ghastly, unsettling, morbid hole this is."

"You get used to it. Plus the taxes are low."

"AH!" Eudial jumped back much like someone who had just noticed a firefly landing upon their nose. "Er, I mean, hello. You must be Professor Tomoe's daughter."

"Oh, *must I*? Just because I'm frail and deathly looking and hardly ever get out and dress in dark clothing you just *assume* that I'm the insane professor's spawn?"

"Well, yeah . . . that and the fact that you're living here with him."

The young girl looked over to Naru, still seated at the side, for further opinion on Eudial's assumption.

"Don't look at me -- the thought crossed my mind too."

Without missing a beat, the girl continued in her monotone greeting:

"You must be Eudial. I've read daddy's file on you."

"Oh really? It must have been interesting!"

"Well, the parts I could read. It was stained rather badly when I pulled it from daddy's garbage can . . ."

"Ah, I see."

" . . . and taped it back together . . ."

"I see, that's quite enough."

" . . . and lined the birdcage with it . . . again."

"ALL RIGHT! I get the picture!"

An inordinate amount of silence followed as Eudial paced, Naru remained squirreled away in her seat, and their young hostess stood

perfectly still.

Perfectly still.

Watching them.

"DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?!? It's unnerving!" Eudial spun and pointed a finger.

"Sorry. We don't get guests that often. I assume it has something to do with the 'evil' thing."

"Let me ask you something . . ."

"Oh sure, the tour guide *loves* to answer questions."

"Is it true that Kaolinite fell off of Tokyo Tower last week?"

"Fortunately, yes."

"Then how was she able to walk to the door?"

"Well, I mean, it's pretty easy when you've got fifty other K-----wait a minute."

"What?"

"You . . . you really don't know, do you?" the dark-haired girl raised an eyebrow.

"Know what?" Eudial stared with an unusually confused look.

"That there's really---"

The metallic ping of a small electronic device on the girl's belt interrupted her thought and caught her attention, at which point she pressed a small adjacent button and the pinging stopped.

"Never mind. You'll find out soon enough. Until then, daddy wants me to show you to his lab now. Follow me."

* * * * *

As they were led into the laboratory, a man with glasses and a labcoat was waiting for them, along with his assistant.

"Ahhhhh . . . Euuuudialllll. It's so good to see you again. And I see that you've brought me a lovely gift."

"And the Talismans are not far behind, Professor," Eudial said with more than a bit of childlike enthusiasm.

"I think she means 'not far behind' in the same sense that a dog chasing its own tail is 'not far behind.'" Kaolinite threw her head up and gave a nasty laugh.

"Shut up! Who asked for your pig slop input?"

"Who ever does?" the young girl dressed in black sighed as she looked for someplace to sit and rest after the excruciating twenty

metre walk.

"Be quiet, you contemptuous runt! Go play with that twisted lamp collection of yours or something." Kaolinite's mood quickly changed.

"Heh, heh, heh, home sweet home," the Professor advanced. "Welcome Osaka Naru. I have a few questions to ask of you."

"Well . . . okay. But I need to be home within a couple of hours to finish my math homework."

"We'll see. But first I have an important question."

"Yes?"

"A very important question."

"Yes?"

"A very, very important question."

"YES?"

"What would you like to drink?"

* * * * *

Naru stared at the two cups before her. Both contained what appeared to be orange juice, but with one huge difference.

"You see, if she picks the one with Sailor Moon on it, she *is* Sailor Moon, Q.E.D. But if she picks the one with Sana-chan on it, then she's just an ordinary girl." Tomoe giggled as he whispered his plans into Eudial's ear.

"You mean *that's* your plan to flush out Sailor Moon?" Eudial looked on in disbelief. "*Having her choose between two cups?*"

"And the sad thing is, those *aren't* my cups." Hotaru shook her head in disgust.

"Can it, you little urchin," Kaolinite sneered under her breath. "I had to go all the way downtown to get that Sailor Moon cup. Frankly, I don't know where that . . . what's it called? . . . Kodomo no Omocha mug came from, though."

It was at this point that the normally pale Professor Tomoe's cheeks began to turn an unusual shade of red. "Well . . . heh, heh, I guess we'd best be moving along . . . heh, moving along."

Eudial tried to hide her shock as she turned to the Professor: "You mean that cup belongs to . . ."

He coyly looked down in a mixture of shame and joy in swimming in a pool of perversity. "She's the source of all my evil inspiration."

"Well, *that's* reassuring," Hotaru lamented from behind. "Oh, hi, Hotaru, we'd like to be your friend! Oh, what's that you say? Father's a mad professor and has a depraved admiration for Sana-chan? Oh, sorry, we have to treat you like the plague now."

"So in essence, nothing would change," Kaolinite venomously scoffed toward the girl.

"Why you malevolent bi---"

"Mmmmmm . . . good orange juice! Just like mom makes!"

All eyes turned from the girl drinking from the Sana-chan cup to the Professor.

"Well . . . she still might be evil!"

* * * * *

"INCIDENT #1," Kaolinite began reading the Professor's printout as Tomoe looked on. "Nearly a year and a half ago. A youma attack at a jewelry store. Stopped by Sailor Moon in her first public appearance. The jewelry store in question was your mother's. Now why did Sailor Moon choose this time, this place, to suddenly come upon the scene?"

"I have no idea. Maybe she heard about the sale that my mother was running at the time. I'd guess half of Juubangai made their way in there over those few days."

"Even though the same jewelry store was attacked by another youma two months later, and who was there to destroy it? Sailor Moon. This appearance even got a nice write-up in the local paper!"

"Maybe it was repeat business."

"INCIDENT #2, an amusement park. Two months after the first incident. Another documented youma attack and, uh-oh, I've got security camera footage from the park!" She pressed a button within her hand and the lights dimmed as a slide projector activated and threw an adequate picture against a nearby wall. "Why, that girl looks familiar! She looks like you, Naru!"

"Probably because it *is* me . . . kids *do* go to parks and have fun, you know."

It was at this point that the sound of a pencil breaking could be heard coming from the vicinity of one disenchanted adolescent sitting at the periphery of the room.

"Oh . . . sorry."

"And look," Kaolinite continued as she pulled another item from her folder, "at this enhanced photo taken after the attack. . . Why, it's you again! And who's this you're with! Oh . . . he's wearing a tuxedo! And holding a rose! I wonder who *he* could be!"

The girl squinted to see her own face on the photograph, and then embarrassedly recognized the second figure.

"No! No! You don't understand! That's Umino! Umino, my classmate! He used to dress up like that to impress me!"

"Maybe because you're Sailor Moon . . . "

"Look at the picture, silly! He's the same height I am. If he was Tuxedo Kamen, he would tower over me!"

Kaolinite quickly withdrew the picture and scanned this new bit of detectivework that she had previously overlooked: "Well yeah,

but . . . er . . . uh . . ."

"INCIDENT #3, one month ago at a youth romance contest at a local park---"

"Heeyyyy . . . wait a minute! Now I remember you! I *knew* I had seen you before somewhere! You were the one who wrecked our love contest!"

"This is *pointless*," Eudial whined from the side.

"Well, I don't see you setting the Thames on fire yourself, you addle-brained simpleton!" Kaolinite threw down her clipboard.

"*Me* a simpleton? Why you ungrateful cretin! Need I remind you that *you* were the one who sent out that distress call last summer---"

"STOP! That was *not* my fault!!! I'd never seen a western style toilet before! Who would have thought that they could explode like that!" By the time Kaolinite realized what she was saying, she could already hear the dark-haired girl in the corner snickering.

"Grrrr . . . INCIDENT #4 . . ."

* * * * *

"This isn't working. Something's not right. This girl doesn't even know who Sailor Moon is," Tomoe moaned to himself.

"Eudial here *must* have brought in the wrong girl," Kaolinite pouted to the Professor. "Considering your brilliant plan, it's the only possible explanation!"

"Why don't you just keep that putrid orifice you so optimistically call your 'mouth' shut, Kaolinite?" Eudial was in no good mood. "I'm just about at the end of my rope with you today! Make yourself useful somewhere else! You're beneath my dignity! Or as we educated and refined villains say, 'infrared dignitatoes'."

"Ha! You idiotic dullard, it's 'inferred diggity'."

"Actually, it's 'infra dignitatem'," the sullen youth in the corner mouthed while playing with the pieces of her broken pencil.

Both Eudial and Kaolinite turned around toward the juvenile sitting in her father's rolling chair:

"SHUT UP!"

"Just trying to help."

"Hmmm . . . I'm not coming up with any solutions here, and I think I know why." The Professor raised one finger in scientific illumination: "Tomoe thirsts!!!"

Kaolinite held her arms together in glee, "Yes! The thirst for supreme power! The quest for the ascension of the Deathbuster's Galaxy!"

"Er, no. I didn't mean that metaphorically. At least, I don't think so. Would you mind going to get my mind nectar, Kaolinite?"

"Mind nectar?" Eudial quizzically looked around.

"He thinks it helps him think better," Hotaru chuckled from the side.

"I like to think of it as pure, sweet bottled evil . . ," Tomoe giggled as he gazed into the sky, ". . . but the Americans have dared to give it a name . . . Peach Nehi!"

"I think we're out. Our box from the States didn't come last week."

"Drat! Well, just get me some Mountain Dew then. Surely, it must be evil!"

"I'll check the ingredients. Be back shortly." Kaolinite strutted past Hotaru out of the room.

"I don't understand this," the Professor viewed the computer readout in disbelief. "If the girl was lying or covering something up, the physiological sensors I have trained on her should have detected it. But there's *nothing*! Not even an elevated pulse. If she *is* hiding something, then she must be good. Very good and practiced. Capable of hiding it even from her closest childhood lifelong friend."

"That good," Eudial noted. "Professor, I think this girl really does know nothing. She's just too stupid to do something that sophisticated."

"Perhaps . . . but there's something . . ."

"Here's your drink, Professor."

"Thank you, Kaolinite."

Eudial spun around from her thoughts to the person who had just surprised her by entering the room:

"Wait a minute. How did you get down to the pantry and back so quickly? And weren't you wearing a red dress just a few seconds ago? And come to think of it, weren't you wearing a white dress when I met you at the front door?"

"If you can't keep track of simple things like that, dimwit, I'm certainly not going to help you."

"She doesn't know . . . but the computer says she must . . .unless she's the stupidest girl in Tokyo . . . something isn't adding up here." The Professor pulled his hair in despair.

Ironically enough, addition was soon to become paramount in Eudial's chain of anxieties. Specifically, the addition of one more person to the room who had just walked in holding a particularly crisp looking glass of soda.

"Here's your drink, Professor."

"Thank you, Kaolinite."

"Gah . . . gah . . . Kaolinite is here in a red dress!" Eudial's form of address was increasingly to herself rather than anybody in particular. "But she's also over there in a black dress! She's here, but she's there." She pointed sequentially to each of them, occupying a position on either side of the Professor. "Here, but there! Here, but there!" It was at this point that her voice became much smoother as she snapped her fingers.

"I get it! Oh ho, I get it now! See, I'm not really here. I'm really passed out drunk on the floor of the Twister Room at the Witches Five Lair right now. All of this is a bad hallucination caused by some really wicked sake. The stupid schoolgirl, the two Kaolinites, and the morbid waif here. It's all just a bad dream." Eudial crossed her arms in satisfaction of her feat of logic.

That is, just before one further figure dressed in white entered the room.

"Here's your drink, Professor."

"Thank you, Kaolinite."

"Three of them! Time to wake up, Eudial! Sleepy time's over!" She pinched her own arm to facilitate the process. "I say, time to wake up, sleepyhead. Time to --- wait a minute, Tellu drank all my liquor last week! I caught her on videocamera! That is unless I've been in a drunken stupor all week and I dreamed that all up too. No, Tellu *did* drink all my sake!"

"Would you please snap out of your little dream world, you pathetic moron?" the Kaolinite in white grumbled.

"If I'm not drunk and this is reality and these three travesties are real, this means . . . this means . . . ."

"Oh, look out! I think Mr. Edison's about to throw the switch!" Hotaru leaned back in delicious expectation of the low-wattage lightbulb in Eudial's mind about to finally activate.

"Clones! They're all clones! Kaoliniclones!!! What kind of science is this?!?"

"Why the best kind my dear, MAD SCIENCE!!! HBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha....<sigh>...HAHAHAHA-YES!!!" The Professor raised his arms in triumph as somewhere in the muffled distance the sound of a pipe organ playing could be heard.

"Professor, do you really have to keep that tape recording of the Pipe Organ Ensemble that you won at the Mad Scientists' Bingorama and Barn Dance last year playing through the intercom all the time?"

"Sorry, Kaolinite-Thursday-chan."

"What did you just call her?!?"

"Oh, after the original Kaolinite went on, ahem, 'extended leave,' I decided to make a clone for every day of the week. That way they could never complain that they don't get enough vacation time. Therefore the person you see before you is Kaolinite-Thursday. I believe you were greeted by Kaolinite-Wednesday at the door."

"Seven!! There's seven of those vile creatures!!!"

"Oh, perhaps I didn't make myself sufficiently clear. I *originally* made seven. This particular Kaolinite's full name is 'Kaolinite-Thursday-P.M.-Non Leap Year-Cloudy Day-chan . . . I think. Those clones are really fussy when it comes to their hours!"

"*Do you mean that there's . . . that there's . . ."

When extremely large trees such as the Redwood are cut down, there is a moment in the process where the entire bulk of the tree balances upon a proportionately minuscule part of itself. At this point, a gentle shove in any direction will send the tree falling. It can fall in almost any direction. But which direction?

" . . . there's . . . there's . . ."

It is, to a large degree, pure chance.

" . . . there's . . . there's . . ."

Although some would say it's just the tree being a capricious, wise-ass loser.

"Professor, you called?" the sound of dozens of Kaolini could be heard outside the door.

"Welcome to my hell," Hotaru threw her head back in self-pity.

"Shut up, pipsqueak! We feed you," the Kaolini in black examined the frail form of the girl and looked at Kaolinite-Saturday-Afternoon- Slight Fog-chan with a raised eyebrow and a concerned look, "don't we?"

"THIS IS INSANE!!! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" It is unknown why at the moment Eudial finally snapped and ran frantically from the laboratory she decided to latch onto Osaka Naru and drag the girl behind her as she escaped. Perhaps it was a reflex. Our sources assure us it was by no means a selfless act. By no means.

* * * * *

The car quickly screeched to a halt at the curb of the school at which it had been seen hours earlier.

"GET OUT!"

"What?"

"I said get out, you pestilence! And forget that you ever heard the name of the Witches Five!"

"I don't understand."

"Just go home little girl! We thought you might be Sailor Moon or know who she really is, but all you are is a naive, gullible, stupid, *stupid* little girl. Now get out, before I change my mind!" She placed her hand on the gearshift, preparing to depart as the girl stepped onto the curb, when something caught her attention.

"Eudial!"

When Eudial turned around to answer to her name, she noticed for the first time that the auburn-haired girl on the sidewalk clasping her hands together looked very much like the mirror of her own lost youth.

"Maybe one day you'll find what you're looking for. Not those Talisman-thingies. What you're *really* looking for."

First, there was merely a pause. And then the defeated and amused little laugh that came from Eudial was accompanied by a defeated and amused little smile as well as she gently looked over to the girl:

"Go home, and sleep well knowing that we witches aren't too good at what we do. And stay the way you are." Chagama raised its cup in a dapper farewell salute as Eudial turned forward, not allowing the girl to see her face fully as she delivered her final words:

"Maybe the little stupid girls like yourself are what makes the world go 'round."

By the time she finished her statement, the witch had already shifted into gear, shortly before disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

* * * * *

"So just where were you yesterday, Naru? I looked all around after school and couldn't find you. You didn't go home with Umino, did you?" As both sat in the golden sunlight outside the school eating lunch, Naru noticed Usagi eyeing her onigiri and therefore slid it across the table with a nod, allowing the blonde to have at it.

"Most certainly not! Just a little unexpected, boring business I needed to attend to, Usagi. Well, actually not that unexpected. I'm sort of surprised that it took this new group of sillies this long to put the pieces together, but it doesn't matter, 'cause I protected what . . . who I needed to protect. Nothing big, so don't worry

yourself."

"Hmmm? I don't get it."

"Well, let's just say that I just might be a little bit naive sometimes, and I just might be a little bit on the gullible side, but stupid? Not by a long shot." She looked over to catch a glimpse of her closest childhood lifelong friend gorging herself on their onigiri, and couldn't help but give a little smile of her own.

"Not where it counts."

****************************************************

"If you never did, you should. These things are fun, and fun is good."

-- Dr. Seuss

Author's Notes:

Sailor Moon and associated characters are the intellectual property of Takeuchi Naoko and/or Toei, DiC, Pioneer, Bandai, Kodansha and a host of other ethereal corporate entities.

Chagama (re)appeared in Episode 104; Sana-chan can be seen in Kodomo no Omocha; thank you for your time.

gradient@thedoghousemail.com http://members.tripod.com/gradient

"Naru and the Savages" Red-4 +Gradient May 1999

****************************************************

"Minako! This is absolutely the last time I'll ever let you bring something you find on the side of the road home! The last time!"

["Eudial . . . Eudial, this is Kaolinite! Answer this transmission!!! This is your last chance! You get back here right now!!! Repeat . . ."]

"Oh, just shut up, Artemis! And keep looking, the off switch must be around here somewhere . . . ."

Back to Archive

Back to Castle Triton