Characters:

The narrator

James: a nice young man to whom nothing bad can happen
Daniel: another nice young man to whom everything bad happens

A bird: a queer animal that can talk and is rather large

Henry: a kind and generous farmer that is fiercely protective of his daughter

Isabelle: Henry's daughter, a nice girl with rather loose morals

Women:

two cats from the brothel of James' and Daniel's former residence
two women from their new residence

scene i:

In a forest. The road runs from right to left stage with foliage in the background. The narrator steps out onto the stage and addresses the audience.

Narrator: Once, far away and long ago, there was a man named Bill. Bill was a very uninteresting man who led a very uninteresting life and died a very uninteresting death, so we will move right along to his son, Lance. Lance was slightly more interesting than his father and would have led a more interesting life had he not died at the rather young age of twenty-six. So now, we will again move right along to his son, James. Now, seeing as James is gay, he can not readily have a son, so we must stop there. Also, since nothing can happen to James, and we must have our story follow him, nothing can happen to James. (winks)

James walks out from left stage taking in the greenery. He is quickly followed by Daniel, who is being hit with brooms by two women. The Narrator half turns to look at them, but still addresses the audience.

Narrator: James and his boyfriend, Daniel, lived happy and undisturbed lives in a brothel for some time, until the women there decided that they were fed up with cute young men living among them that they could not have. So, one day the women chased the boys out.

Woman 1: (as she stops attacking Daniel) And don't come back!

Daniel: What did we do?

Woman 2: (with one last whack) It's what you didn't do!

The two women leave the stage from where they entered.

Narrator: (turning back to the audience) And here our story begins. (exits stage right)

Daniel: (following James as he wanders about center stage) Well, now what do we do, James?

James: (seeming somewhat distracted) It would appear we need to find a new place to live.

Daniel: And where do we go for that?

James: Well... I have no idea!

Daniel: (sags) Neither do I.

James: Well, this road seems to be a good start, let's follow it. Maybe we'll come to a town with cheap apartments or something.

Daniel nods and the two young men begin meandering right stage. A bird appears from up-right and lands in front of them.

Bird: Hello there, what brings you here?

James: We were recently evicted from our place of residence and are now looking for a new place to live.

Something rather small falls from above, hitting Daniel on the head.

Daniel: Ow! (rubs his head)

Bird: Well... I don't think there are too many places for men to stay in a forest. Perhaps you should ask the farmer that lives down there a ways. (points behind him, to the right)

James: Do you know if there is a town near by?

Another thing falls from above and hits Daniel on the head.

Daniel: (louder than before) Ow!! (looks up, annoyed)

Bird: Don't ask me, I'm just a bird. Go see the farmer. Oh, and, uh... look out for his daughter.

The bird departs by way of stage left, whacking Daniel on the head as he does so.

Daniel: (even louder than before) OW!

Bird: (from off stage) Sorry!

James: Well, I guess we keep going this way.

Both boys exit stage right, Daniel still rubbing his head.

scene ii:

Right stage displays the interior of a house, while left stage is the front yard. A girl sits inside reading at a table while her father toils about the front yard. James enters from left stage looking about him. Daniel follows, leaning on a walking stick, his clothing slightly torn in places.

Daniel: (half to himself) Who would've thought there would be so many holes in one road.

James: And ditches too. (noticing the farmer) Hello, sir?

The farmer looks up from where he is working and walks over to the two young men. Daniel instinctively shies away and half hides behind James.

Henry: Yes? May I help you?

James: Well, sir, I hope so. You see, my friend and I were recently kicked out of our lodgings and are now traveling to a town to get new ones, but we don't know where any towns are. We were wondering if you might be able to point us in the right direction.

Henry: (rubs his chin thoughtfully) Well... There is a place where ya could go quite a bit farther down the road. It'd take ya well near three quarters of a day to reach it though. And seeing as evening is drawing on, I wouldn't recommend to ya to start there yet. Why don't ya stay here the night with me and my daughter. We got plenty of food to share (looks at Daniel) and it'd seem yer friend needs to rest in a good bed anyway.

James: (smile flowering on his face) That would be very kind of you. Are you sure it isn't any trouble? We don't want to put you out.

Daniel: (mumbling) Put him out! Put him out!

Henry: No trouble. (grins) It'd be nice to talk with fellers like yerselves anyway. We don't see too many new folks around here, y'see - not too many folks at all really. Come on inside.

The three men go inside and as they do so, the girl immediately stands up, her book falling shut, forgotten, on the table.

Isabelle: Well, father, who might these nice young gentlemen be?

Henry: Oh, dear this is... uh... (turns to James) What did you say your name was?

James: I'm James and this is Daniel.

Daniel, still leaning on his makeshift staff, nods at them.

Daniel: (muttering) How do you do?

The farmer's daughter grins at James, totally ignoring Daniel.

Isabelle: Well, how do you do, sir? I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance. My name's Isabelle and my father here is Henry.

James: A pleasure to meet you both. (nods a greeting to them)

scene iii:

Inside Henry's house the next morning. Isabelle is serving James and Daniel breakfast. She keeps pushing nearer and nearer to James, much to Daniel's obvious annoyance.

Isabelle: So they kicked you out of your own home? How terrible!

James: It was rather strange.

Isabelle: How could they do such a thing to such a nice strong man like you?

Isabelle has now pressed herself up against James. Daniel glares over at her from the other side of James.

Daniel: Do you mind?

Isabelle: (ignoring Daniel) Well, maybe you could live here with us. I surely wouldn't put you out like that!

Daniel: Excuse me!

Isabelle: And Father could always use more help with the farm! (runs her fingers through James' hair)

Daniel: (rising from the table) Excuse me!!

Isabelle: Wouldn't you like that?

Isabelle gazes into James' eyes. He seems oblivious to the fact that she is doing something she shouldn't be doing and acts as if all is normal. Both are ignoring Daniel.

James: I don't know if I'm much of a farmer.

Daniel: Hey! (slams fist down on the table) Would you leave him alone already!?

Isabelle glares over at Daniel then makes as if to try and kiss James. Enraged, Daniel pushes the two apart and holds Isabelle by the collar.

Daniel: Didn't you hear me the first time?

Just then, Henry enters from the door. He takes in the situation and storms over to Daniel. James is sitting quietly at the table, watching Daniel and Isabelle; his face is expressionless.

Henry: (demanding) What is going on here? Did you mean to rob us from the start?

Henry grabs Daniel by the collar and drags him away from Isabelle, who quickly rushes over to James.

Henry: (furious) Well? Answer me! Just what were you trying to do with my daughter?

The expression on Daniel's face seems to say "why me" as Henry throws him about the room and finally out the door. James quickly disentangles himself from Isabelle and rushes after Daniel.

Henry: (slamming the door) And don't come back!

The light goes out on the house. James bends down and helps Daniel to his feet.

James: Are you all right? If I had known he would was so paranoid, I wouldn't have taken him up on that offer to stay the night.

Daniel gives him an incredulous glance, then dusts himself off.

Daniel: It's all right, I'm rather used to it by now.

James: I guess we had better follow that road like the old man said, hm?

Daniel nods and they both exit the stage.

scene iv:

In the forest again, along a trail that runs from left stage to right stage. Two women are picking flowers at right stage. James and Daniel, holding hands, enter from the left.

James: (addressing the women) Excuse me, but could you tell us if there is a town near by? We're looking for a new place to live.

The two women look at each other for a moment, then back at James.

First Woman: I wouldn't live in town if I were you. It's nicer in the woods anyway.

Second Woman: Not to mention safer.

James: Safer?

The women nod. James looks puzzled, but Daniel seems to understand.

Daniel: (turning to James) Perhaps it would be nicer to be out in the forest. It'd be a lot quieter and peaceful. It's where I'd rather be.

James: But what are we going to do? Build a house?

The First Woman approaches them.

First Woman: Well, if you don't mind sharing a place, you can live with us. You see, our house is so big, it's a mansion really, and it's much to big for only the two of us.

Second Woman: That's right, and we'd feel a lot safer if we had two men around.

Daniel looks a bit dubious.

James: What do you think, Daniel?

Daniel: I don't know...

Something hits him on the head.

James: We lived with women before.

Daniel: (shaking his head) I just don't-

Something hits him on the head again.

James: It really isn't such a bad deal when you think about it.

First Woman: And there's another, smaller house that when fixed up would make a fine home!

Daniel: Well...

Something bigger and heavier than the first things hits him on the head.

Daniel: (glaring up at the sky) Would you quit it already!? (looking back at James) Yes, alright, it sounds like a fine plan.

Everyone smiles and is pleased.

Second Woman: Well then, let us show you to your new homes!

They exit as the Narrator enters from the opposite side, holding little things in her/his hand. She/he tosses them after Daniel, occasionally hitting him.

Narrator: (turning to the audience) And all was right with the world.

The Narrator tosses one more thing after Daniel.

Daniel: (from off stage) OW!

The Narrator smiles, then waves good bye to the audience and follows them off stage.