A duel between...
VS.
Kenshin Hiei
VS.
Kenshin Hiei
ÊÊ
Ranma: [impatiently] Hey, when's that unknown idiot who's supposed to be my co-commentator coming in? Isn't the match
about to start?!
[just in time, Tatewaki Kuno arrives at Ranma's side, Ranma looks
terrified]
Ranma: KUNO!!? KUNO?! YOU'RE MY CO-COMMENTATOR?!
Kuno: Halt, Saotome. For the next few minutes of this battle, I have been forced to agree to be civil with you. I've been asked to be co-commentator due to my knowledge in kendo. From what I know, it's a swordfight today...is it not?
Ranma: Yes. [crosses arms] Anyway, since we're wasting air time -- HelloÊfolks! Welcome to the anidojo arena! For this
month, it's Himura Kenshin the Battousai versus Hiei the bandage god!
ÊÊ
Kuno: The match is of course, of swordfighting. I've been told that both characters are skilled with the sword. Of course, I doubt they'll ever be as skilled as me...the known Dashing Comet of Furinkan High, Tatewaki Kuno--
ÊÊ
Ranma: Kuno, cut the speech.
Kuno: YOU DARE TO INTERRUPT THE GREAT KUNO!?
Ranma: Uhhh...[thinks of a way to stall] Hey! You agreed to be civil!
Kuno: Oh yes, quite right. [coughs] My apologies, Saotome.
Ranma: [glances at Kuno in a weird way before speaking] Anyway, KenshinÊhimself has stationed himself at the right side ofÊthe arena, it'll be only a matter of minutes till the demon Hiei makes hisÊapperance.
Crowd at Left: HIEI! HIEI! WE WANT HIEI! HIEI! HIEI! WE WANT HIEI!
ÊÊ
Crowd at Right: KENSHIN! KENSHIN! KENSHIN! KENSHIN!
Ranma: Well, quite an enthusiactic crowd!
Kuno: Hmph. They'll be more enthusiactic when I fight. [smirks] After all, I am as swift as a wind! Graceful as a lily! More handsome then the one called Leonardo diCaprio--
Ranma: [annoyed] Kuno, shut up.
[Kuno glares at Ranma dangerously and nearly pulls out his sword...but stops himself]
Kuno: If it wasn't for this deal, you'd be a rotting corpse by now, Saotome!
Ranma: [rolls eyes] Oh please.
Kuno: Why, the doors at the left are opening, the mist is clearing...out steps...
Left Crowd: HIIIIIIEEEEIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ranma and Kuno: THAT'S HIM?!
Ranma: Rather short, isn't he?
[Hiei calmly steps into the arena, he and Kenshin bow at each other, then draw their swords]
Ranma: The swords are drawn, and they immediately charge at each other!
Kuno: Metal against metal, you hear each clink, each slide, each screech...they're both very dangerous, but nothing can match--
Ranma: Kenshin has an opening! Touche!
Kuno: My! Hiei's appeared behind him!
Ranma: Hiei has pulled off his cloak now...
[the mostly female population at the left shrieks happily]
Kuno: Hmph. I have a better body then that shrimp.
Ranma: The ladies love him, don't they? Anyway, the match continues, butÊit's like they can't even touch each other...they
know each and every move the other makes! What do you say, Kuno?
Kuno: I still say that I would win when propped against either of them, or both!
Ranma: [sweatdrops] That's some say.
Kuno: What's Hiei doing?
Ranma: Taking his bandanna off?
Kuno: Takes it off while dodging Kenshin. Impressive.
Ranma: Then he's taking the bandages off his arm...
[suddenly, a large black cloud fills the arena accompanied by a loud BANG of some sort like an atomic bomb]
Ranma: [cough cough] Just a second! Just a second! We'll try to get--
[the smoke clears out]
Ranma: Sorry folks, there was something that happened...
Kuno: Intriguing...
Ranma: What?
Kuno: Kenshin's gone.
Ranma: He's what?!
Kuno: There's no sign of him anywhere.
ÊÊ
Ranma: That can't be possible!
[Kuno and Ranma hurry over to Hiei in the arena]
Ranma: Hiei! What happened to Kenshin?!
[Hiei smiles evilly]
Hiei: He went off to a place very, very, very far away.
[Ranma's about to continue but he's cut off by an awfully familiar-looking guy in a suit and an FBI ID]
Familiar-Looking Guy: I'm Fox Mulder, FBI Agent...I'd like to make a few inquiries on the dissapearance of the one called
Kenshin.
Hiei: I told you, he's gone.
Mulder: Where? Answer me! Where was he taken?!
Hiei: [yawns] Excuse me, I feel tired.
Mulder: Was he abducted?
[Hiei pays no attention to him and walks away]
Mulder: YOU'RE ONE OF THEM, AREN'T YOU?! YOU CAN'T HIDE THE TRUTH! I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO...
[Mulder continues ranting on and on and on about the truth and his search for it. Ranma and Kuno return to the emcee booth]
Ranma: Well, since Hiei is the last man standing...he is the winner of this month's Anime Battlegrounds!
Kuno: [smiles] And since I've been civil to you for the entire time...I can have my reward.
Ranma: Your what?
Kuno: I spoke to the young lady in charge of this contest, she and I have made a deal. If I don't kill you like I usually do, and she's willing to give me something I keep dear.
Ranma: Such as?
[Ranma's suddenly taken offscreen by the X-Files Alien Bounty Hunter, who clamps a hand over his mouth to muffle his
screams]
Ê
Kuno: [not noticing Ranma's dissaperance] Oh...the pigtailed girl! [gets all nostalgic] The love of my life! My immortal beloved!
[Ranma-chan appears onscreen, very damp and looking stunned]
Ranma-chan: I WAS THE DEAL?!
Kuno: Oh! My pretty pigtailed-haired girl!
[Ranma-chan starts running for his, or rather, her life...Kuno follows after her...while Mulder continues to preach about the
truth, not noticing the alien bounty hunder passing by]
ÊÊ