Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the Galaxy Garrison Pro-Golf Classic!
Whoops! Oh my! We've just had a change in our roster of competitors! Seems like Voltron stepped on the clubhouse at the nineteenth hole, taking out just about EVERYONE! We'll be sure to send them folks flowers at the hospital.. Oh but wait! Here's TIGER WOODS! Isn't that great folks! Now let's start with the Pro-Golf Classic - after these messages!
::Cue to the golf course, off-camera::
Tiger Woods: Hey! Where's my caddy!
Hagar: Here I am!
Tiger: Sheesh! What'd they do? Scrape the bottom of the barrel?
Hagar: Watch it, sweetie! I gave you your golf skills and I can take them away!
Tiger: Uh, yeah..sure..Just take those clubs and follow me.
Hagar:::cackles:: Oh, but it's YOU who's going to follow ME!! ::She starts to cast a spell which of course Tiger is unaware of.
::REALLY off camera - near the sandtrap o' Doom::
Lotor: This is ridiculous, Father! A GOLF COURSE to defeat VOLTRON?
Zarkon: Hey, it's ORIGINAL, which is MORE than I can say for YOUR ideas, tin-boy!
Lotor: ::sneers:: You only picked THIS course because you're a member!
Zarkon: Being the Minister of Peace DOES have it's advantages!
Lotor: Uh, you're NOT the Minister of Peace anymore, Father..
Zarkon: And boy, it FEELS good!
Lotor: Are you sure you didn't get hit in the head with a golf ball?
Zarkon: Shaddup! This plan WILL work! Hagar will turn Tiger Woods into a mighty roebeast and then he'll defeat Voltron with his mighty NINE IRON O'DOOM!! BWHAHAHAHA!!
Lotor:::scowls and then daydreams of Allura in a cute little tennis outfit::
Zarkon: LAUGH WITH ME!! BWHAHAHAHA!!
Lotor ::Joins in::
::MEANwhile in the shambles of the Clubhouse..::
Keith: All right, team, we made a mistake and obliterated the clubhouse..
Lance: Not to mention, injured all the golfers!
Allura: There goes our insurance!
Pidge: Hunk, why did you step on the clubhouse?
Hunk: Hey, it wasn't MY fault!
Allura: It wasn't MINE!
Keith: Hey, guys, don't fight! We're a team and we're out to win this golf tourney for the orphans of Arus!
Allura: But Keith, there ARE no orphans of Arus!
Keith: Well then the NEW schoolhouse!
Lance; 1st season of VDOTU. Remember 'Zarkon's Dying?'
Pidge: Boy, Do I! What a fibber THAT was!
Keith: Never mind! We're doing it for some noble, unselfish reason!
Allura: That's right!
Lance: Oh boy..
Keith: All right team! Let's go play GOLF!!
All: GO Voltron FORCE!!
***
The golf game commences, with Voltron and Tiger pretty darn close in score, although Voltron did have a problem with teeing off, taking part of the course with it. They proceeded to the final hole where Hagar, disguised as a caddy, was prepared to turn poor Tiger into a roebeast!
Hagar: Ancient spirits of eee-vil..turn this decaying form into MUM-RA, the ever- whoops! WRONG spell!
Audience: WRONG show!
Tiger: No, go on! Please CHANGE that decaying form! It's uglier than crawfish!
Hagar: Shut up, you! Let's see now..ah! Tiger, Tiger, golfing MIGHT! Eyes that glow and nine irons BRIGHT! Turn into a roebeast NOW and Voltron FIGHT!!
James: And I thought OUR rhyme was cheesy!
Jesse: I thought it was pretty good! 'Prepare for trouble.."
James: And make it double!
Hagar: HEY! Go fight some Pokemon, you ill-bred snots! This is MY show!
James: Well! She doesn't have to get HUFFY!
Jesse: Let's go, this soooo boring anyway!
MEANwhile poor Tiger Woods has turned into a GOLF roebeast with golf balls for eyes! His pro-am cap is now a lethal spinning weapon and he has a huge golf bag attached to his back equipped with nine irons and putters.
In Voltron, itself, the team reacts..
Allura: Look! Poor Tiger Woods! He's a ROEBEAST!
Lance: Either that or he's been hitting the Gatorade a little TOO much...
Pidge: It's Hagar! I KNEW she was behind this!
Hunk: Nah, she's on his shoulder, see?
Keith: Team! We've got to defeat Hagar without hurting Tiger Woods!
Allura: But how?
MEANwhile, Zarkon is jumping up and down with glee at the sight of yet another roebeast.
Zarkon: Yes! Voltron is finished now! They won't DARE attack that Tiger person but Hagar will make sure he scores a hole in Voltron's HEAD!! Bwhahahahaha!
::Lotor doesn't hear him as he is daydreaming about Allura again..
Zarkon clunks Lotor in the head with a golf club..
Lotor: Hey, don't DO that! That makes my head vibrate!
Zarkon: Watch and learn, you simpleton! This plan WILL work or my name's not Zarkon!
::Lotor rolls his eyes::
Hagar: DESTROY Voltron, my roebeast!
Keith: Uh oh! He's got out the nine-iron! Evasive manuvers, team!
Lance: If he calls us 'team' ONE more time..
Allura: Oh no! I stepped in a sand trap!
Hunk: We're losing our balance!
Hagar: Yes! Strike Voltron when he's down!
Tiger/Robeast roars and starts to tee off, aiming towards Voltron's head!
Keith: Form Blazing Golf Club!!
Allura: We can't hurt Tiger!
Keith: Don't worry Princess, we won't!!
Needless to say, Voltron does not hurt Tiger, but knocks Hagar off his shoulder. As a result one of many things COULD have happened;
A. Allura finds out from Blue Lion of some sort of weakness in the Tiger roebeast and effectively uses her sensitivity to throw the spell off Tiger..
B. Voltron is indeed in a bind, but a last minute brainstorm from Pidge saves the day and Tiger is restored to his smilin' self..
C. The Blazing Golf Club does it's duty and destroys the roebeast, rendering the spell void, with Tiger falling to the ground below. Of course Voltron saves him and all is well..
D. Lance, in a daredevil move of rebelliousness, jumps out of Red Lion and engages Lotor in a duel of golf clubs - which does nothing for the plot but looks good in a macho sort of way and expands the stereotypical good rebel guy vs the bad disfigured guy..
E. All of the above..
Hagar, of course gets away, as does Lotor and Zarkon. Why? Because if they weren't around, then we'd have nothing to fight against, now would we?
Voltron saves the day again and Tiger, wins the match by default since Voltron missed the last hole. But all is well until next adventure of Voltron: The Third Dimension!
Next week: Voltron vs. Dennis Rodman!
Hagar: NOW there's a roebeast I LIKE!!
Back To The Follies
Back To The Throne Room