Rambling
(excerpt from "Sticky Rice is a Dessert")
april 1997
The past is past. With square shoulders and a head held high, I will embrace the challenges
and uncertainties life has to offer in what we call our future. What does the future hold
for us? We're certain that nothing is certain. It would be on a fool's whim to place a
confidence in something that is as capricious as a falling leaf in the wind. What lies
ahead in the winds of tomorrow? What will be there for me? Again, another promise of
the future is a guarantee of questions from the present.
I am nineteen. Just days away from the day I'll complete 20 years of living. What can I say
about what I've accomplished? Not much. I used to believe that people start to judge you by
what you have accomplished by the time you hit 20. I'm not confident enough to believe that
anymore. I'm afraid to pass that judgement on myself. I have no benchmark acheivements to
present to the world and declare my self-justification. Then again, who are they to
judge me?
In nineteen years of my life, I feel like I've aged twofold. So many events in my life and
so many circumstances came together to produce the arrogant youth writing these passages.
How do I pronounce my lack of confidence in one passage and my arrogance in another?
I am not confident in others to judge me correctly. Perhaps "correct" is not the proper
word to chose. I do not feel that people can judge me by the standards I value. Therefore,
their judgements would be invalid to me. The opinions of those who do not share the same
inherent values are of no importance in my life. The views I take to heart come from a
select few.
There is another sign of my arrogance- judging and accepting judgement based on my
individual values. But on what else are people to base thier judgement? A person obtains
their values by the experiences in their life that either prove or disprove their beliefs.
Everyone's life experiences shape who they are, and any judgement is comparative to the
ideals based on their life. With that as a premise, the standards by which the general
masses judge is a product of the majority. These standards are a result of broad
generalizations incorporating extremes of every nature. It all averages out to mediocrity.
Why should I leave myself to be judged by mediocre standards? If a person is to excel,
they study under someone they feel has greater ability and skill. They do not study under
a person who is better by general standards, else they will be limited by mediocrity.
I am the judge of what is great. I take these beliefs onto my own. Everyone has a right to
judge me. But to have their judgement accounted is privelege. My arrogance lies in the
belief that the opinions of others are validated at my descretion. There is no holier than
thou beliefs pertaining to others and how they live their lives. I do not claim to hold any
more significance in their lives than they do in mine. I do not wish to be the marker of
human value for others. To do so would be to impose values on to those willing to accept.
Values easily adopted will not be strongly upheld, but that is a rambling for another day.
paula
alpha gamma aka hip-hop
