***WARNING***
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This is NOT a traditional fic.. The purpose is that it explores what
was in Nakago's mind during the Miaka "rape scene" and how he felt
about it. Because he is remembering the past, and there are things
that happened to him that were horrendous, there are points where the
fic is very graphic, so please be advised before reading. Sometimes
facts are not pleasant, what's below is in fact, very disturbing, but
I think Ritz did well in handling a VERY delicate topic.
If you have not scene Fushigi Yuugi, don't let this freak you out.
You won't see ANY of this in the series itself. Parts of the story
that contain graphic material are merely aluded to but NOT shown.
Like many stories, books, movies. You know what happens, but no
sane person wants to see it, and so in good taste, they don't show
it.
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FORGIVENESS
***********
I've come to this point already.
It would be so easy. So easy to just spread the girl's legs apart, rip
her clothes off her thin body and force myself into her narrow, virgin
passage. It would be so easy to just take advantage of my enemy, the
Suzaku no Miko, and in turn, bring the Seiryuu shichiseishi to victory.
I have no intention of doing that though.
I have /never/ had the intention of doing something like that.
I know what this pain will bring. A pain more horrifying than
death, more disgusting than the world's most unhumane torture. This
pain runs deeper than a mere penetration of body. It's more painful
than skin being broken, much more painful than something foreign and
dirty invading your privacy, your personal space, your sense of being.
This is a rape of the mind.
It brings about the slow degeneration of your sanity, breaking
it,crushing it, scattering it to pieces. With each thrust that's
forced upon your most private area, you feel your mind crack. Once.
Twice. Thrice.
You can scrub your body clean of your attacker's scent, scrub until
your skin turns red and blood wells to the surface but you can never
ever remove the imprint of the horror of the person's touch, mark, and
presence from your mind.
I kneel down next to the prone figure of Suzaku no Miko and slowly,
almost gently, I support the young girl's shoulders, watching her head
hang limply in the air as her neck tilts backwards from her
half-upright position. I bring my hand behind the girl's head, lifting
it up so that her closed eyes are level with mine.
I want a closer look at her face.
I want to see the innocence there, see the naivety that was once mine.
I gaze at her slumbering visage, locked in an expression of fear even
in unconciousness. Her lips are slightly parted, her mouth open in
asilent cry of despair. Her eyes are squeezed together, almost
buttoned tightly together and her breath is coming in ragged,
shuddering gasps as if she was still shaking from a bout of crying.
She doesn't look asleep, though I know she is. In reality, she looks
like she's in dreadful anticipation.
Was this how I once looked? Did I look just as scared, my body tense
and waiting, as I slept?
Did he feast on this fear of mine?
I'm sure he did.
I know he enjoyed coming to my room at night, liking the way my blue
eyes would watch him in dread as he stalked toward me. I know that the
way I trembled as he climbed into my bed turned him on and that he
savoured the way he flipped me over on my back and drove into me hard,
smilingwidely at my screams of pain as he moved roughly within me,
laughing loudly as each of his thrusts jerked my body upwards
violently.
That monster.
But am I now the monster?
I am about to rip this girl's mind to shreds. Though I have not taken
her, I am leading her to believe I have. I am going to have her suffer
though the same hell I've been through, making her believe she will
never be clean, pure, and worthy again.
Just like I will never be.
There is nothing I can do about it. To fulfill my dream, I must
shatter this girl's reality. This is how it must be for now. One day,
one day I will ask for her forgiveness...and his as well.
I hear the gallop of horse come toward the tent and I know it is
him, the girl's lover. Carefully, I put the Suzaku no Miko down and
arrange her body neatly on the floor of the tent.
It is time; time to play the monster.
Forgiveness will have to come later.
***OWARI***
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Ritz
(
geocities.com/tokyo/garden) (
geocities.com/tokyo)