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From: cy467@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Jason Eric Tucker)
Subject: [OW!][OAV]An Otaku Christmas Carol - Pt3
Date: 04 Jan 1999 00:00:00 GMT
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X-Given-Sender: cy467@freenet3.carleton.ca (Jason Eric Tucker)
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From: tuckerx@juno.com (Jason E Tucker)
Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 22:41:34 EST


Previously in the Otaku Wars!:

-See PART 1. However, those of you familiar with Chucky D's original
 version know that some of what's in here will be "previous."

And now, on with the show...

=================================================================

		The Otaku Wars! presents an OAV:

				A N 

		O T A K U   C H R I S T M A S   C A R O L 

=================================================================

	It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It 
was feast and it was famine. Everything on television was good,
but they were also reruns. Sailor Moon is alive and well on American
television, but it existed as the DiC dub. Everyone was at war,
and everyone was at peace. All bodies were at rest, but they still
had inertia. All Otaku World was one big paradox, and yet it wasn't.
	In this topsy-turvey night, the Man of Night slept soundly
beneath his Black Moon sheets, his cat at his side. Theirs was a
peaceful slumber, until it was interrupted.
	"Awaken, and arise to face your past!"
	"Zzz..."
	"Prrr..."
	"I said to arise and face your past!"
	"Zzz..."
	"Prrr..."
	Chibi Youma, the Ghost of Christmas Past, decided to take 
more drastic measures to wake the duo up. He pinched their noses, 
forcing them to wake up, lest they be asphixiated.
	"WHA?! Huh?!"
	"Like I said, awaken, and arise to face your past!"
	"Who are you?" asked the Man of Night.
	"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I am here to show 
you the joy that the holidays used to bring you so you can experience
that joy again," Chibi-Youma said.
	"Go sell crazy someplace else," instructed Nightman. "We're
all stocked up here."
	Chibi-Youma crossed his arms in annoyance. "Don't make me
get Alfred Hitchcock on your lazy butt."
	"Alfred Hitchcock. Bah, humbug!"
	"Okay, guys. You asked for it!" With that, Chibi-Youma
waved his hands, causing Nightman's cold bedroom to fade away.
The familiar shadows and furniture were replaced by an endless
psychadellic display of swirling colors.
	Nightman landed with a THUD on the cold, hard floor. Luna-kun
landed on his feet, as cats are wont to do. Chibi-Youma alighted
next to them. 
	"Okay, kid, I'll play your little game. What's the first
thing we're going to see?" the Man of Night asked.
	"Your sister," the chibi ghost answered.
	"But my sister's dead," Nightman informed. "The only living
relative I have left is my lovesick fool of a nephew."
	"You're forgetting that this is the past," said Chibi-Youma.
"Friends and family long gone are still here. Now look."
	Nightman looked where Chibi-Youma pointed, and sure enough,
he saw a younger version of himself standing with his older sister,
the Georgia Peach. Both were smiling, and appeared happy.

	"We'll have fun this Christmas, won't we, Nightkid?" said 
the Peach with a heavy Georgian accent. 
	"We sure will, sis!" the chibi-Nightman cheered.

	"I can't believe you used to be so cute," Chibi-Youma said.
	"I can't believe you two grew up together and only one of
you had an accent," Luna-kun added. "Well, it's time to zip forward."
	"No, not yet!" Nightman protested. "This was the Christmas
I got my first Black Moon action figure. I want to see the look
on my chibi-face."
	"I thought Christmas was just humbug," Chibi-Youma retorted.
	"Well, this is when I was young," the Man of Night explained.
"Before I realized that Christmas is all about crowded shopping
malls and bad TV specials."
	"Your sister always loved the holidays, didn't she?"
	"I suppose."
	"Even though it was all humbug?"
	"Well..."
	"I still can't get over the accent," Luna-kun said again.
	"Bah," said Nightman. "Dung beatle."
	"Time to go," informed Chibi-Youma.

*["Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas!" scene switch.]*

	"What's this place?" asked Nightman.
	"Your first job," answered Chibi-Youma. "Remember when you
worked for Mr. Uchibori?"
	"Yeah, I remember that. He was a pretty good guy to work 
for," Nightman remembered.
	"Let's have a look at what went on this particular Christmas."

	 "Alright, everybody!" the bossman Harold Uchibori yelled.
"Everyone, stop pushing those pencils! It's Christmas Eve; time
to party!"
	"WOO-HOO!" the staff cheered in unison. A young Nightman 
desisted in his task of measuring the size of scantron bubbles and
joined in the festivities. He and his co-workers danced as Mr.
Uchibori played the accordion.

	"You sure did like to dance back then, especially when Mr.
Uchibori played his accordion. I wonder what happened to make you
such a bitter old man."
	"Bah," said Nightman. "Grasshopper! I was a young little
twit back then. I still thought that Rudolph was Santa Claus' 
newest reindeer, not some soulless corporate marketing ploy devised
by Montgomery Ward's back in the '30's."
	"A young twit, huh?" Chibi-Youma asked. "A certain somebody
didn't think so."

	"Nightlad," said a sweet voice. The young Man of Night
looked up to see a lovely white face with big, big, painted red
lips. Her blue eyes were outlined in black pencil and her nose was
big, round, and red.
	"Sailor Clown," the Lad of Night responded. He was mesmerized
by her luscious, red, round, juicy nose.
	"Let's go someplace where we can be alone." With that, she
trotted off to a secluded corner of Uchibori Scantrons, Inc.'s 
main office, her dumplings of hair bouncing on her head as she
stepped. Nightlad followed.

	"A clown fettish?" Luna-kun asked. "No wonder you always
consider taking a day off when the circus is in town."
	"Shut up, cat!"

	In the private darkness, the pair sat together, nestled
against each other. "Nightlad..."
	"Yes?"
	"You can... You can... touch it... if you want."
	Nervously, he reached out with his index finger and pressed
it ever-so-gently into the luscious redness.
	*BEEP*

*["Jingle Bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg!" scene switch.]*

	"Where are we now?" Nightman asked.
	"You mean, 'When are we now?'" Chibi-Youma corrected.
	"Okay, then," Nightman conceded. "*When* are we now?"
	"A few years after that encounter with Sailor Clown."

	"Nightman," pleaded Sailor Clown. "Why won't you come to
the circus with me?"
	"I have to work," Nightman responded coldly. "The circus
is a bunch of humbug."
	"But why must you say such things? Why must you count your
money all day? You don't... you don't even honk my nose anymore!"

	"That's just sad," Chibi-Youma said. "You let her slip away
just like that."
	"I had to work..." Nightman explained.
	"Come on. Even Carp took a day off after swindling the
elderly and robbing orphans. Why couldn't you?"
	"But... I..."
	"Don't call me Butt-Eye," Chibi-Youma admonished. "Do I
look like I'm from the Dead Circus?"
	"I..."
	"No matter," the chibi one said. "It's time to go back to
the present."
	In another show of Vertigo-style special effects, the past
faded away and was replaced with Nightman's cold, dark bedroom.
The distant Black Moon relative surveyed his surroundings, finding
them the same as before. 
	"Bah! Cockroach!"
	Before he even finished swearing upon said arthropod, 
before him appeared a third apparition. He was thin, with dark 
hair and a black cape with blue lining.
	"NARF!"
	"Who are you?" Nightman inquired.
	"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present!" answered the Freak
in the Cape.
	"Christmas presents?!" asked Luna-kun, his interests piqued.
	"NARF! I'm going to show you how other people are celebrating
on this jolly holiday, even though they may otherwise be in no
position to celebrate."
	"Yeah, yeah," Nightman dismissed. "Let's get this overwith."

*["Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" scene switch.]*

	"Where are we?" Luna-kun asked.
	"We're at the residence of el Pegaso and Sailor Universe,"
Cape-Freak answered. "It's Christmas Eve and they're exchanging
gifts. Let's watch."

	"Oh, Margie! What is it?"
	"Open it and see, Uchu."
	"Ooh! A Furby! It's exactly what I wanted!"
	"I know," said el Pegaso. "But, there's some warantee info
that the shopkeeper said he had to deliver in person."
	*DING-DONG*
	"That must be him now," said el Pegaso, going to answer
the door. "He said it was important."
	In through the door, the Rabbi Tucker burst. "Hold on!
You can't take care of a Furby like any other pet! It needs special
care!"
	"Oh, I'll give it special care," Sailor Universe assured.
	"You can't ever expose it to bright lights..." the Rabbi
began to say.
	"Margie! Let's take its picture!"
	"Light hurts it. You can't ever get it wet..."
	"I think I'll give you a bath in the morning," she said
to her new plaything.
	"It'll multiply like a tribble. Last and most importantly, 
you can't ever, ever, ever feed it after midnight because it will
turn into a horrible, gruesome demon that will kill people and
wreak havok on all humanity!"
	"Gee, little guy, are you hungry? It's almost one a.m."
	"Now, if you can't handle those instructions, you're a 
bunch of putzes and you deserve what you get. Goodbye."

	"D... Did you hear her?!" Nightman asked. "If she is allowed
to have one of those things, it'll destroy the world!"
	"Yeah, so?" asked Cape-Freak. "It's not important, right?
The little Furby is a Christmas gift. You said things like that
were grasshoppers. Besides, who's going to stop them? You? You
said you'd never show up."
	Nightman grew wide-eyed. "I've got to stop her."
	"Well, next stop..." the Freak in the Cape announced.

*["I'm Just a Jew on Christmas" scene switch.]*

	"...the residence of your employee's family," he finished.
	"What, Cape-Mike's house?" Nightman asked. "Why are we 
here?"
	"Just watch and see," the Freak said.

	"So," said Sailor Ice Blade. "Did you ask for the raise
this time?"
	"He wasn't in the right mood," said Cape-Mike. "I swear,
though, I'm going to ask him next time, and if he doesn't give it
to me, I'll maim him! BWA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha..."
	"Don't forget to breath, love."
	"(*GASP*) HA HA HA HA HAH!!"
	"You always say that's what you'll do," recounted the Icy 
Spicy Sailor. "Last time you actually asked him, not only did he
turn you down, but he sic'ed his cat on you."
	"I still have the scars..." he lamented, lifting his shirt.
	"Dinner's ready," Ice Blade said, changing the subject.
	Cape-Mike sat down at the table and awaited the third member
of their family. Slowly, but surely, he hobbled along. Gradually,
Mallard limped on his crutch and sat in his seat. 

	"What's with the duck?" the Man of Night queried.
	"You knew he was supporting a family," the Freak said. 
"But still you pay him slave wages."
	"He told me he had a kid! This is a duck!" Nightman complained.
"I should dock him what I pay him for his kid; it's a pet! A PET!
I should dock him more for lying to me! It's a duck!"
	"A crippled duck," added Luna-kun, licking his lips.

	Sailor Ice Blade brought out their meal. "Bon apetit,
everyone," she bade.

	"A turnip?!" asked a shocked Man of Night. "What kind of
Christmas dinner is a turnip?!"
	"It's all they can afford," explained the Freak.

	"Kami-sama bless us, every one!" Mallard quacked.

	"Bah!" remarked Nightman. "Drusophila."
	"Time to go," said the Freak in the Cape. "It't time to
visit someone even less fortuneate."

*["The Hanikhah Song" scene switch.]*

	"Help!" said Rooks into his CB radio. "I'm at Sockittome
Plaza, and the place is crawling with terrorists!"
	"Excuse me, sir," said Leiloni Bunny, who was the dispatcher
on the other end of the line. "But this is a channel that is only
for emergency transmissions."
	"But this *IS* an emergency!" Rooks pleaded. 
	"In that case," said Leiloni, "Hang up and dial 911."
	"AUGH!" Rooks growled in frustration.
	"Hello, Mr. Corvus," spoke a voice from the walkie-talkie.
"I am Abacus. I trust you still have my detonators, Mr. Rooks
Corvus. I want them back."
	"Yippie-kai-yay," Rooks retorted. It was about that time
that his attention was diverted by something else.
	"YEEEAAAAUUUGH!" screamed a shoujo with a big f'ing gun
as she fired her weapon into the air. "You shot at my Aba-chan!"
Sailor Ursa leveled her weapon at the winged, armored otaku. 
"Shinde, bakayrou!"

	As the blood and carnage ensued, Nightman turned to his
guide. "What's the point of showing me this?"
	"Not much," the Freak responded. "I just thought it would
be entertaining. You have to admit, though, this guy is a lot less
fortuneate than you. Anyway, we're going to see more unfortuneate
people in just a minute."
	The rooftop of Sockittome Plaza faded away and was replaced 
with a dark, dank alleyway. In that alleyway, a homeless family
was warming itself by a garbage fire.
	"Who are these povs?" Nightman asked.
	"Narf! They're the 'surplus population' that you wanted 
to die. They have no place to go."
	"Yes they do," Nightman retorted. "There are poorhouses
and workhouses and warehouses and henhouses..."
	"Just watch."

	Ryu stepped away from the fire. NeoAmi-chan, sensing that
something was wrong, followed her husband.
	"Doushita no?"
	"NeoAmi-chan... I'm a failure. I can't even provide for
my family. We were barely able to scrape enough together for that
can of creamed corn for Meenie."
	"Ryu-kun..."
	"NeoAmi-chan, take Meenie and go to a shelter. You'll have
food and a place to sleep warmly. I'll find work somewhere..."
	"Iie! We're a family! We'll stay together no matter what.
Ganbaremasu! We have love for each other, and that's what Christmas
is all about."

	"Oh, gag me!" Nightman said. "What kind of Afterschool
Special crap is this?"
	"It's the best kind of Afterschool Special crap," the Freak
said. "That's the true meaning of Christmas. It's the love!"
	"Bah, horsefly!"
	"NARF! Behold your children, Nightman!" The Freak in the
Cape threw back his cape to reveal four big-headed children, all
dressed in winter gear.
	"What the...!? What was I high on when I slept with their
mom?!"
	"No, they're not your children litterally! But, it is 
because of you that they were born and it was you who nurtured
them. Behold Greed!"
	The most corpulent of the four boys stepped forward. "I
want Cheesey Poofs!"
	"Behold Misery!"
	The second child, who wore a green hunting cap, stepped
forward. "Kick ass!"
	"Behold Dispair!"
	The third boy, wearing a blue cap topped with a fuzzy red
thing, stepped forth. "Um, hi."
	"Lastly, behold Denture Odor!"
	"Mff mmm rrnn!"
	"Bah!" responded Nightman. "Fireant!" With that, he punted
Denture Odor. The orange-hooded kid flew into the flaming trash
can that the family was using.
	"Oh, my God! He killed Denture Odor!"
	Nightman stood for a moment, admiring his handiwork. He
turned back to face the Freak in the Cape, but saw that the Freak
had vanished. He looked all around him and discovered that the 
fire, the alley, the kids, and the family had all vanished as well.
In the blackness, all that could be seen was the fog that came up
to his knees. 
	"What's going on?"
	Off in the distance, a grinding, alsmost skreeching sound 
could be heard. Nightman turned and saw the blue police call box
that had materialized...

To be concluded in Part 3!

			-Jason Tucker

=================================================================

___________________________________________________________________
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From tuckerx@juno.com  Sun Jan  3 20:21:34 1999
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Subject: occ3.txt
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From: tuckerx@juno.com (Jason E Tucker)
Date: Sun, 03 Jan 1999 20:18:28 EST


Previously in the Otaku Wars!:

-It's before Epiphany, so technically the Christmas season isn't over.

-See PART 1 and PART 2. 

And now, on with the show...

=================================================================

		The Otaku Wars! presents an OAV:

				A N 

		O T A K U   C H R I S T M A S   C A R O L 

=================================================================

	"What's going on?"
	Off in the distance, a grinding, alsmost skreeching sound 
could be heard. Nightman turned and saw the blue police call box
that had materialized. From the interior of this box emerged a 
big, brutish ex-boxer with a lisp. He was followed by strange man
who wore a light green jacket, the collor of jade, accentuated by 
dark sunglasses, worn even in the dark of night. Following behind
the two was a third. 
	"Let me guess," Nightman requested. "You are the ghost of
Christmas Future, right?"
	The third figure, shrouded in the terrifyingly cute color
pink, stepped slowly in the direction of the Man of Night. Alongside
him, an orb not unlike the Luna-P hovered, its pink piggy looks
blankly facing forward.
	"Come with uth," bade Mike!
	"Lousey stinkin' Blue Blazer... him an' that Canary Cufflinks
think they can do my job better 'n me..." Jade Jacket mumbled
incoherently. "Just come along!"
	Nightman and Luna-kun glanced at each other, then looked
back to the trio. "No," they said in unison.
	The forboding man shrouded in the adorable hue extended 
his arm and curled his finger at the the man and his cat, signalling
for them to come closer. Or, perhaps to follow. Or maybe asking
them to scratch an itch he had at the base of his spine. 
	Mike! repeated, "The bauth wanth you to follow uth."
	"And what if we don't?" Luna-kun dared.
	In answer to the cat's query, the mysterious figure in pink
waved his hand, sending the Piggy-P ball at Luna-kun. The cat was
soundly silenced by a collision with the sphere.
	"I guess we have no choice," Nightman admitted.
	The figure in pink waved his hand slowly as he turned to
one side. Nightman looked where he waved and saw a scene unfolding
before him.

	An entire city was engulfed in flames. Otaku screamed out
everywhere. Some screamed in pain. Some were begging for mercy. 
Still others just wanted an excuse to get rowdy. Pillaging, looting,
plundering, and mass hysteria ruled the land.
	The view zoomed in to one back alleyway in this metropolis.
It was dark, dank, and damp. Two lonely figures cowered behind a
dumpster, scared and desperate.
	"Uchu, why did this have to happen? Why did our cute little
Furby have to turn into a hideous creature, multiply, wreak havoc
all over town, and cuase us to live in horror and dread?"
	"Oh, Margie, it's all my fault! I should have kept it on
a leash like you told me!"

	"I knew it!" Nightman yeled. "I knew she never should have
gotten one of those!"
	The figure in pink held up one hand, signifying that he
wanted Nightman to stop. He was about to direct the Man of Night's
attention to another vision of the future when Luna-kun spoke up.
	"You look kinda familiar. Do we know you?"
	The pink figure waved his hand, and another vision appeared.

	It was a dark and stormy night. Each flash of lightning 
sillouhetted a gloomy pawn shop. Within its walls, a transaction
was taking place.
	"How much will you give me for this Dark Moon tea set?"
Medellia Blue asked. "It's real silver."
	"I don't know," the shop owner said. Tuxedo Rainbow was
dubious about its origins. "These things are pretty rare, and
pretty valuable. How did someone like you get it?"
	Medellia answered, "I swiped it from an old man I cleaned
house for. Old coot barely paid me anything at all, so I just 
consider it back pay."
	"Won't he notice it's missing?" Tuxedo Rainbow asked.
	"Nah. I doubt the dead use tea sets."

	"HEY!" Nightman yelled. "Those Dark Moon tea sets are
collectors' items! Mine cost me an arm and a leg!"
	"You remind me of someone," Luna-kun said to the man in
pink. Are you the Wartho--...?"
	"NO!" the man in pink snapped.
	"Sailor So--...?"
	"NO!"
	"Tuxedo Ma--...?"
	"NO!"
	"Who are you, then?" the cat asked.
	"None of your business. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future
and that's all you need to know. Now watch this next scene."

	"WAAAAAH!" Sailor Ice Blade wailed, falling to her knees.
"He was so young!"
	Cape-Mike sniffled a bit, wiping his eyes with the back
of his closed hand. "The poor little guy will never have the chance
to cause mass destruction again!"
	"(*sniff*) Our poor little Mallard!"

	"Mmm..." purred Luna-kun. "Duck..."
	While Luna-kun licked his lips, Nightman studied the pink
figure. "You do look familiar. Maybe Warthog was a relative of 
yours?"
	Xavier Ericlitus of the Christmas Pinksquisition gestured 
at Nightman, who was promptly quieted when he got smacked by the 
Piggy-P ball. "Just watch the next scene, infidel."

	Elsewhere in the same graveyard where Ice Blade and Cape-
Mike mourned, a solitary gravestone stood in the dreary darkness.
On it was engraved a name. That name was Fred Johnson.

	"What is this supposed to prove?" Nightman asked.
	"Nothing. That's the wrong gravestone. Mike!, why don't 
you pan to the right a little?"

	To the right of the solitary gravestone of Fred Johnson
was another. It was far gloomier, and seemed even more lonely. The
name on this gravestone read, "Jimmy Hoffa."

	"So *that's* where he went to!" Luna-kun exclaimed.
	"Try further right," Xavier ordered.

	Further right, there was a headstone that was still gloomier.
It was really gloomy and really lonely. Really. This time, it said
"Nightman."

	The Man of Night gasped. "So... Because of my selfish ways, 
I die alone and lonely! That is what you're trying to tell me!"
	"That too," said Xavier. "But really, I was trying to say
that unless you can find it in your heart to give Cape-Mike a raise,
he won't have the money for Mallard's opperation. When the duck 
dies, that's when he loses it and kills you."
	"Even better," Nightman said.

*["Have a Funky, Funky Christmas" scene switch.]*

	"It's morning!" Nightman declared, throwing open his window. 
"It's Christmas morning! Luna-kun, we have work to do." With this
sentiment, he grabbed the cat and raced out the door of his home.
	After running for a few miles, he kicked open the door of
a modest residence. He rushed in, looked left, looked right, and
upon seeing nobody, dashed further into the home of his employee,
calling "Cape-Mike! Cape-Mike!"
	"Quack! What do you want?" Mallard asked when Nightman
barged into his tiny room.
	"MROW!" meowed Luna-kun as he pounced.
	Nightman grabbed his cat out of the air and admonished,
"Don't eat the duck, remember?"
	Nightman dashed like a madman, trying to find a human in
the house. He burst through another door and met a surprise.
	"ECCHI!" screamed Sailor Ice Blade, just stepping out of
the bathtub. She wore little more than a towel.
	"Tell Cape-Mike he's got a raise. I'm in a hurry," Nightman
said. With that, he dashed out again.

*["I'm running out of wacky Christmas songs" scene switch.]*

	"Aren't you a cute little Furby?" Sailor Universe cooed.
"Would you like a bath? Would you like a late-night snack tonight?
You're so cute, you can have anything you want."
	"NOOOOOOoooooo....!!" screamed the Man of Night, diving
for the cute, plushy, fuzzy creature. He wrenched it from the
plumhead's grasp and threw it out the window. 
	"My Furby!"
	"It is a far, far better thing I did than I have ever done,"
announced Nightman.
	"It is a far, far, better butt-kicking you will get than
you have ever known!" 

			T H E    E N D 

			-Jason Tucker

=================================================================

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