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From: Carp 
Subject: [OW!98][NC]  An important message from your economic superiors
Date: 21 Jan 1999 00:00:00 GMT
Message-ID: <36A6CE7B.3ACD@med.unc.edu>
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
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Organization: fgkrtgioreht
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Reply-To: jcarp@med.unc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.fan.sailor-moon

(Carp stands behind a large podium, smiling warmly and dressed
snappily.)

CARP:  Greetings, fellow Otaku Warriors.  This is Carp, creator and
distributor of the great system I am currently using, OW!98.  Tonight, I
would address a few issues regarding this wonderful product.

(He clicks a button, and suddenly an intricate graph is projected on the
wall behind him)

CARP:  First of all, there is the immense problem that some of you are
assholes, and refuse to use my product.  Assholes!  Don't you support
the free-market system?  Commie assholes!  Anyway, Don't be an asshole. 
Would it KILL ya to put a little "98" after the OW! in the subject
line?  Well, would it?  Huh?  I didn't think so.  It would be REALLY
nice if you thought about somebody else for a change, okay?

(He clicks again, and the intricate chart turns into another, equally
intricate, chart)

CARP:  Next, I have noticed recently that some of you have started
putting a "99" next to the OW! in the subject line.  Oh, that's just so
damn clever I could puke.

(Billy, from the Family Circus, walks onstage.  He delivers his lines
loudly and badly)

BILLY: Hey, but it's 1999 now!  Doesn't that mean that OW!98 is
obselete?

CARP:  (Laughing fakely) That's a common dumbass misconception.  I have
several responses to it.

BILLY: Preach it, brother!

CARP:  Please don't ad lib.  Anyway,  my first response is that THIS IS
THE OTAKU WARS!.  We're doing jokes about a show that's been off the air
for over a year!  Only a little while ago, talking like a pirate was the
height of the comedic cutting-edge!  Since when do we care about
obsolescence?

BIlLY: Boy, when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense!

CARP:  Thanks, Billy.  Now, to my second point.  I think a lot of you
are confused by the "98" in the title "OW!98".  

BILLY: I thought it meant 1998!

CARP:  No!  No no no.  It's just a random number!  And even if it DID
stand for a year, it would be 2098!  So really, this product is 99 years
ahead of its time!

BILLY: But last year it was 100 years ahead of its time!

CARP:  Piffle!  Like there's really any difference between 99 and 100
years.  We'll all be dead by then anyways!

BILLY: Wow, that's true!

CARP:  But here's the real issue, ladies and gentlemen.  OW!99 is
PIRACY, pure and simple.  It is dishonest, unfair, and stoopid. 
Therefore, I commend you, and will give you a week to stop using OW!99
before I use my immense financial power to crush you like a gnat.  


BILLY: Squish!

CARP:  Yes, indeed.  

(He clicks again, and the intricate chart is suddenly replaced by the
first intricate chart)

CARP:  The third issue I must address is those of you who are
complaining about the naked Haruka screen saver included in each copy of
OW!98.  We felt it was harmless, wholesome fun for the whole family, but
some of you seem to disagree.  Please stop writing letters to me about
this.  I don't care.  Just shut up and enjoy it.

BILLY: ...

CARP:  That was Dolly's cue.

BILLY: I know.

CARP:  ...

BILLY: ...

CARP:  ...

BILLY: ...

CARP:  ...

BILLY: ...

CARP:  ...

BILLY: ...

CARP:  ...

BILLY: She's very late, you know.

CARP:  Yes, very late.

BILLY: ...

CARP:  ...

(Fade out)