Holy Hydras!!
A Sailor Moon Crossover Fanfic
by Namikata Kaoru
Hello again. This is actually my second attempt at a fanfic, and my first at a funny one. This took more than a year to write because I kept putting it off, so the other shorter ones came first. Sorry about that!
Standard legal stuff:
SM and characters appearing in the show belong to Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, Kodansha and probably some other companies with big guns. All the other stuff that I've ripped off from other places belong to their respective companies.
Please don't sue!
Send fan mail, junk mail, blackmail to namikata@oocities.com
Now, on with the show!
The Time Gate was open and swinging slightly in a nonexistent breeze. A soft glow emanated from behind. Music was playing quietly from behind the gate, but the beat was unmistakeable. Aerosmith.
Serenity groaned. Not again.....
She stuck her head around the door. The place was a mess. The TV was on: reruns of MTV. Nachos and dip were deposited in less-than-easy to clean places, and empty cans of Bud Light were strewn around the couch.
Pluto was sprawled on the aforementioned couch, clutching a bag of pork rinds. Her boots were on the floor, covered in stuff better left to the dry cleaners. One glove was off and draped around her neck. Her untidy hair fell over her shoulders, and the tiara under her fringe was a little lopsided. She was muttering something about talking to canned sardines in a tank full of beer when she turned over and saw Queen Serenity staring at her with disbelieving eyes.
"Hey babe, how's it going....", she murmured.
Serenity sighed. The cleaning bill was going to be murder. She scanned the room again, her eyes letting her take in the full scale of the disaster area. The place looked as if an A-bomb had hit it. Then she picked out the Time Staff in a corner, its light fading and the Garnet Orb smoking slightly.
* * *
"Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!" the sound echoed through the Grecian (or was it New Zealand?) countryside, rudely waking the birds and animals from their sweet slumber.
"Gimme back my breakfast, you swine!" Xena screamed at the large, blonde-tressed man, who artfully dodged her every swipe.
"Nyah-nyah! You gotta catch me first! Phbbttbtbh!"
"That does it! You're lunchmeat, Cyclops-breath! Come back here, you miserable excuse for a pig's ear!" And so the tirade lasted for the entire morning. At the end of it, the loaf of bread looked like little more than a muddied lump.
"Now look what you made me do! That was my favourite, rye bread with grit and bugs! This is the last time I have a sleepover with you, Tree Trunk Legs!"
"Yeah? At least I've got a decent outfit, Beach Bum!"
"Hey! My mom made it for me!"
"Your mom wears centurion-boots!"
"Airhead!"
"Brain-dead!"
"Centaur-dropping!"
"Griffin-piss!"
Without warning, the sky opened up and a beam of pink-purple light shot forth, hitting our heroes straight on, sending them into the depths of history, past and present.
* * *
"This stinks." Serena flopped over her homework, which incidentally was due two days ago. Her communicator bleeped, and she brightened up at an excuse to delay her work.
"Serena! Get your skinny little butt over to the Cherry Hill Temple! Now!" Raye's face appeared on the screen, a little annoyed.
"Okay, okay..." Serena muttered an obscene word under her breath. "Thanks for lunch, moooooom..." she trailed off as she rushed through the front door.
"Be home early, dear." her mother called after her. "Funny, it's not a school day today... I didn't make her any lunch... Hey! My secret stash of peanut butter cups!" It was gone.
* * *
A red Testarossa sped across the Tokyo suburb, ignoring traffic lights, stop signs and bewildered traffic police. The sun glinted across its immaculately polished bonnet. The engine purred as it cut through the wind like a knife. The sight was enough to make grown men weep.
"Man, I never get to drive." the young man with short blonde hair in the passenger seat whined. He sat there with his arms crossed, pouting. He was dressed in a blue long-sleeved shirt and black pants, far from the dark purple uniform he was accustomed to. He was in a bad mood because he was hoping to top the Negaverse's Best Dressed list, what with his extensive wardrobe, but in the end the magazine ranked him third, behind Ninjana's retro getup and Titus' Oriental style outfit. He sulked.
"Quit whining, you, it's my car." the driver hissed. He was a tall man, but he fitted quite nicely in the driver's seat. He was wearing a stylish pair of sunglasses which obscured his blue eyes. His long, wavy brown hair tumbled gracefully past strong shoulders covered in a light blue jacket. A pale yellow shirt underneath and a pair of white pants completed the look. It was what he usually wore... come to think of it, it was what he _always_ wore when he was out and about on the streets of Tokyo. The rest of the Negaverse was wondering if he ever changed his clothes at all, but he didn't care, he looked cool. "It's tough enough to get a Sunday off from work, and I'm not about to let you spoil it with your bellyaching. And keep it down back there, I just had the seats re-upholstered!"
A rather melodic chorus of disappointed sounding 'awww...'s returned from the back seat. One of its occupants was a thinnish, small built man with orange hair tied back in a loose ponytail. He wore a multicoloured silk shirt over maroon drawstring pants. He threw a longing glance at his companion sitting beside him. "Maybe later...?" he cooed.
"Mmm..." was the reply. The well built man on the other side of the seat toyed languidly with his silver hair. He was quite proud of it being the most envied bouffant in the Negaverse. Vidal Sassoon never had it so good. He was wearing a T-shirt with ripped sleeves and the words 'Go Beavers' printed across the chest. With the ubiquitous slashed jeans, he looked every bit the Californian surfer. In fact, he was beginning to like the 'surfer boy' nickname everybody had been calling him lately.
The car and its four occupants zipped on towards the Crossroads Shopping Mall. It was going to be a fun day.
* * *
All was not well at the Cherry Hill Temple. Amy, Raye, Lita and Mina were huddled around something in the middle of the fire reading room buzzing excitedly when Serena barged through the door.
"What's (puff puff)... going on (wheeze)... here... (ack)... I rushed here as fast as I could." Serena panted as she joined the group on the floor, still holding the bag of peanut butter cups. "I brought some chow."
The mad rush that ensued was reminiscent of spooked rabid rhinoceroses thundering through the savannah, only slightly worse. When the dust settled, the bag had been torn to bits and crumbs littered the floor everywhere. It was a massacre.
"So, uh, Raye.. what's up?" Serena asked after they polished off what were left of the crumbs on the floor (even the tiny little ones).
"Them." Raye pointed to the two figures lying prone in the middle of the room. One was a woman, with brown hair past the shoulder. She was in some sort of battle gear, full leather, and a bustier that Madonna would be jealous of. A scabbard and a mean looking frisbee hung from her waist. The other was a man, in somewhat more peaceful looking clothes. Peaceful, but not that clean. His plaited leather tights were muddy and his shirt, well, one could only presume it had been yellow at some point in time. He seemed to be a little sticky, and his unkempt hair was draped over his face.
Lita left the room and quickly returned with two steaming cups of sake. "They just dropped out of the sky. Almost squished Grandpa in the yard... as if he wasn't short enough."
"Yeah. Say... they couldn't be youma from the Negaverse, could they? I'll run a check on my computer." Amy whipped out her handy notebook (complete with 56kbps modem, internet connection, colour LCD screen and two PCMCIA slots... man, working for the Moon Kingdom sure has its benefits) and swiftly typed in a few commands. The screen flickered briefly, and a whole chunk of programming codes appeared on the screen. "I can't be sure, but there seems to be some kind of hostile force around these two."
"I can feel it too, Amy." Raye nodded. "Major bad vibes, but they don't seem to be directed at us. Still, we'd better transform, just in case. Hey, quit that!"
Mina was poking the unconscious duo with Raye's broom. "Sorry, just curious. Hey, they're coming to. Everyone, transform!" All the girls went through their usual motions in a burst of pyrotechnics that surprisingly did not burn down the temple.
Jupiter knelt down over the semi-conscious figures and let them sip some of the sake. The woman woke up immediately, screaming the dickens out of everyone. "Poison! Mandrake! Arrrrggh!!!" The man, however, bolted upright, eyes open, deadpanned, "This ain't Jim Beam." and promptly collapsed back again.
"Totally weird." Serena mumbled. The others just gaped.
Both strangers had somewhat woken up by the time the ringing in the Scouts' ears had stopped. They looked around in a daze, trying to make sense of where they were. The conversation around them seemed disjointed and fleeting.
"Great job with the sake, Jupiter."
"Can you make heads or tails of the readout on your computer, Mercury? Just who or what in blazes are they?"
"If you'd quit poking me with the broom, Venus...."
"Get away from that, meatball head! That isn't fruit juice!"
"Awww Mars, you're so mean!"
The man was suddenly lucid. Mars.. Ares! Shit! I still owe him five dinars from last night's game! Mercury... Hermes? What's that fly-boy doing here? Venus... Aphrodite! Where! Where!! Jupiter?.. Zeus... Zeus!
"Zeus! You slimeball! Why have you brought me to Mount Olympus! Like you didn't trash my place the last time you and your pals decided on a party! You.. who.. whoa..." He opened his eyes fully and found himself staring at the one called Jupiter. "Hellooooo Nurse! You all decided to have a costume party? Greeeaat outfits. I'd bet Iolaus would lurve this." but Jupiter wasn't listening. She seemed lost in thought. "He looks exactly like my old boyfriend... " he heard her murmur.
Venus was crouched over the woman. "Hey guys, she looks a little like a Sailor Scout, only without the collar. Could she be.... " but before she could continue, the woman got up, pushed Jupiter away and jumped the man. She drew her sword started to attack him, coming a close half inch away from Sailor Moon's meatball. "Heeeeey... watch it, Ms Ginsu!" The two strangers moved their fight outside to the gates of the temple.
"I'll get you for this, Hercules! Nobody swipes my breakfast and lives!" she swung her blade at him, narrowly missing his neck.
"Hah! You don't stand a snowball's chance in Tartarus, Xena!" Hercules broke off a branch from a nearby tree to block her sword.
Sailor Mars was aghast at the wanton destruction of her temple. Grandpa wasn't going to like this. The mysterious pair had in a matter of minutes reduced her fire reading room into a pile of smouldering toothpicks. Not to mention the trees in the courtyard, which were getting turned into pile after pile of kitty litter by the second. The other Sailors watched the two brawl, placing bets on who would win.
"Five bucks on Xena!"
"You're on, Venus! Anyone who looks like my old boyfriend has got to win!"
"Me too! That Hercules is such a hunkmeister!"
Meanwhile, the fight raged on, with the only casualties being the temple gate, a pillar or two, another couple of trees, a door here, a window there...
"Apologize, Gorgon-guts! Or you'll be sorry!" Xena drew her chakrum.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry I stole your bread.... NOT!!! Hah! Had you there for a moment didn't I, you pile of Hydra-offal!"
"Ooooh.. you asked for it!" Sailor Moon watched in awe as Xena let her weapon fly. This could beat 'Moon Tiara Magic' anyday. However, Hercules ducked at the last second and the ring sailed past over his head and out of sight, towards the city.
Infuriated, Xena leapt at him and almost succeeded in throttling his neck, but she was stopped by a 'Venus Love Chain Encircle', courtesy of Mina. Mercury, always the negotiator, tried to talk to them.
"Okay, guys, what's the deal." she started in her most motherly voice.
"He stole my breakfast!"
"I was hungry!"
"Cool it you two. How about muffins?"
"Muffins?" they chorused.
Both Xena and Hercules seemed happier with a couple of freshly baked muffins between them. The Sailor Scouts were about to breathe a sigh of relief when a loud, throaty voice almost made everyone jump out of their skins.
"Okay, who threw this thing?"
* * *
Nephrite whizzed past a 'Slow: School Crossing' sign. The testosterone was getting to him. The raw power... the machismo... the girls ogling the car from the sidewalk... this was the life. He rounded the corner and sped past the bus stop towards the direction of a famous temple. He wasn't about to tangle with the Scouts today. Hell, it was his off day! He was going to spend it relaxing in the mall, checking out the manga section. Maybe he'd get a few posters. He always liked the artwork from 3X3 Eyes...
A flat, round object which looked like something out of the X-Files flew out from the temple and struck his side mirror, slicing it neatly from the side of the car. He screeched to a halt, causing Jadeite to bump his head on the dashboard, and abruptly interrupting the activities in the back seat.
"MY CAR!!!" Nephrite screamed when he stepped out. "My beautiful, beautiful car... oh my darling... my poor baby..." he ranted, kneeling beside the front left door. The unidentified slicing object and disembodied side mirror landed nearby, the glass shattering into teeny little pieces. "Who's the jerk who hurt my Rosebud! They'll pay for this!" He picked up the mirror and the mystery projectile and stormed up the temple steps.
Jadeite, who had by this time recovered from whiplash, was also getting out of the car for some fresh air. Meanwhile, groaning sounds could be heard from the back seat.
"Man, what a ride..." Zoisite was trying to rearrange his hair into some semblance of order.
"Zoisite... (ack)... get your elbow out of my eye..."
"That's not my elbow..."
After they had sorted out whose elbow(?) was in what, Malachite stuck his head out the window, and saw Nephrite stomping up the temple steps. Curious, he got out of the car, leaving a somewhat disappointed Zoisite in the back. Jadeite was leaning on the side of the car, muttering about needing an aspirin the size of Beryl's butt. "Hey Jed, what the hell happened? It's like we ran into a brick wall or something." he asked, half gasping.
"Dunno, Neffy there probably remembered the time he caught Queen Beryl in the bathroom without her makeup on. Scared the hell out of me too."
"Maybe we should follow him. He looks like he's about to blow, big time. Hey Zoi, you coming?"
"Yeah, yeah..."
Nephrite was huffing and puffing up the steps. Why the hell did the temple have to be on the top of a hill? The truth was that his Stairmaster was rusting away somewhere in his room in the Negaverse. He had bought it on impulse the last time he had been to the mall, the sales assistant had been positive that it would help him get fit in thirty days (or your money back!) but the moment he got home, he had chucked it away somewhere and flopped down on the couch for chips and TV. He was slowing his pace from a brisk walk to a commando crawl when someone materialized on a rock near him.
The girl was dressed in a stylized kimono, shading her yellow, feline eyes from the sun, scanning the horizon. Her spiky cyan hair blew about in the (again) nonexistent wind. "Tenchi... " she whispered. "Oh, wrong shrine." She disappeared. Nephrite shook himself and continued on.
He barely reached the top of the steps without passing out, and stopped to catch his breath before facing the infidels who had dared to defile his car. He grasped the objects he was holding and stood at the gates of the temple. Funny, they didn't look like most temple gates, more like shrivelled tree stumps. But no matter, he was mad.
"Okay, who threw this thing?" His voice had miraculously survived the journey up. The figures at the far end of the courtyard jumped. "You!" he gasped. The Scouts turned and saw him standing at the used-to-be gates, holding a trashed side mirror and the chakrum, eyes like a mad bull. "I should have known the Sailor Scouts were behind this! You ruin all my plans! You won't even let me off on a Sunday.... my car... WAAAAAAH!" Two fountains gushed from his eyes. A large, generous serving of sweatdrops all around.
"Erm... muffins?" Mercury offered.
"... WAAAAH... aaah... errr... okay!" Nephrite brightened up. He took one and sat in a corner, munching the muffin with a goofy grin plastered on his face. "(munch munch) Mmmm... (smack) chocolate chip..." The other generals arrived in time to see him finish off the last of the muffin. Sweatdrops again. Jadeite, Zoisite and Malachite stared incredulously at their comrade licking his fingers clean. "Yum... that was good. Got any more?"
"The four generals of the Negaverse!" the Sailor Scouts shouted in unison. (Isn't it amazing how they do that?) They were about to go into another one of their 'In the name of the Moon yackety shmackety blah blah' speeches when Jadeite held up his hand to stop them. "No fighting today, girls, it's our day off. Union rules." A few casual 'okay's, 'whatever's and 'sure, no problem's returned.
Hercules had finished his muffin and was eyeing the just-arrived visitors, especially the one with the ripped jeans. "Say... have we met somewhere?" he asked, only to be cut short by a snarl from Zoisite. "Back off, buster... he's mine." the General growled. Sweatdrop for Hercules.
Jadeite meanwhile had his eyes glued to the warrior princess. "Oooohh..." was the only thing that he could say while trying to stop the hearts in his eyes from obscuring his face.. and the puddle of drool slowly forming at his feet. Zoisite had noticed this and was about to put in a scathing comment when he spotted Xena's eyecatching outfit. In a split second he had left Malachite's side and was looking enviously at her full leather getup.
"Say.. sharp threads... where'd you get them from?"
"Like it?" Xena struck a pose. "I got it from Salmoneus' Leather Paradise, and at a discount too!" she enthused.
"Ooohh... could I borrow it then? Malachite would love this!" A large sweatdrop appeared on Xena's forehead.
"Hey, I thought Salmoneus' shop was called Togas 'R' Us or something." Hercules interrupted.
"Well, Smart Boy, he diversified. Said something about a great investment opportunity."
"Oh."
So the morning passed, with everyone getting Lita's speciality muffins, Jadeite drooling himself dry, Nephrite curled up in a corner asleep, Zoisite trying to persuade Xena to trade for a spiffy new General's outfit (complete with boots), Hercules and Malachite exchanging haircare tips, and the Sailor Scouts getting supremely frustrated at the lack of attention being given to them.
* * *
Meanwhile, back in the Negaverse, Queen Beryl was dozing off on her throne when her crystal ball beeped the first few bars of 'La Cucaracha', waking her up from a dream about banana splits and chocolate fudge sundaes with a snort.
"What now..." she mumbled, irritated. She had been about to devour a whole Earthquake when she was disturbed. The crystal ball showed her the images of Xena and Hercules, and indicated a strong aura of life energy surrounding these two people. "JADEITENEPHRITEZOISITEMALACHITE!!!!!" she bellowed, rocking the Negaverse to its very core, causing the legions of youma within a six-mile radius to lose their sense of hearing for a good half hour afterwards.
A tall, deathly man in a butler's uniform appeared in front of her. "You rang....?" he thundered sepulchrally. He stared at the imposing Queen for a while and realized she wasn't his mistress (though they both looked strikingly similar). "Uuuurrrhh..." he moaned and stalked off.
Beryl was slightly disconcerted by the corpse of a manservant, and it was a while before she remembered she had finally granted her Generals the leave she had promised them since a thousand years ago. "Damn!" she swore, "It always happens! Just when something important crops up! Good help is so hard to find. Guess I'll have to deal with this myself."
With a hefty moan, she heaved herself out of her throne. "Got to get in shape." she muttered, as she opened up a dimensional portal and stepped through.
* * *
The seven humans and four Negaverse generals at the remains of the Cherry Hill Temple had decided to get to the mall after all when two small figures, one black and the other white, appeared at the temple gate.
"What's the big idea, leaving us out of the picture?" The white cat grumbled. Luna just sulked. A folded paper airplane whizzed out of nowhere past Jadeite's face causing his life to momentarily flash before his eyes again, and landed at Artemis' paws. A scrunched up ball of paper shot out of the bushes which had been trees an hour ago and hit Jadeite square in the face. Artemis unfolded the airplane, and glared at the message: 'Oops.' Jadeite unscrunched the ball of paper; 'Psyche!' it read. Artemis flung away the paper irritably and muttered, "Can we get going now?"
It was a short while before everyone decided on the mode of transport to the mall. At first they had wanted to hitch a ride in Nephrite's car, but thought the better of it after the General jumped in front of his 'poor baby', snarling like a pit bull. Thus, after much deliberation, the gang agreed to walk the rest of the way.
The streets were filled with pedestrians, some shopping around, others just taking a walk. They all stared at the strangely attired group making its way to the mall on foot. Even Luna and Artemis were feeling uncomfortable from all the staring, and were about to make known their sentiments when the crowd ahead of them started clearing for some reason. A large black Harley was ripping down the street like the devil, sweeping through the street like Moses parting the Red Sea. Riding the upon bike was a man, dressed completely in black, dripping with leather and buckles. Behind him sat a skimpily dressed girl, whooping with laughter, her auburn hair blowing in the wind. The engine roared as the biker revved his machine, sending the crowd scurrying. Something about these two caught the attention of Hercules and Xena immediately. Yes, there was the signature black vehicle, the hazardous speed at which it was being driven, and that helmet which looked all too familiar. They were.... Hades and Persephone? The bike skimmed the kerb and brushed the group, almost taking off Venus' arm. "Hell rider!" Mina yelled, shaking her fist at the motorist. He turned around and yelled back, "Thanks!", before speeding off again. Hercules and Xena looked at each other, mouths agape.
"I think we'd better take a quieter route," Mercury suggested, sweatdrop at her neck.
The sound of fighting could be heard on this street. A boy with his hair in a short pigtail leapt out of the bushes and ran towards the motley group, with another boy in hot pursuit. This one was dressed in ceremonial garb, blue kimono top over black flared pants, much like Raye's priestess robes. His wooden blade thrashed wildly in the sun, matching the fury in his eyes. "Ranma, you coward! Have you no guts to face the mighty Tatewaki Kuno? Get back here and fight like a man!" he shouted. The one named Ranma showed no signs of stopping. He picked up speed as he neared the group.
Mercury was the first to react. "Mercury Bubble Blast!" she let her attack fly just as Ranma leapt over the group. His arm reached out, fingers pivoted on Serena's head, and landed with a graceful somersault behind her. The fog cleared, and where Ranma should have landed, there stood a red haired, pigtailed girl in the very same clothes that Ranma had been wearing. She looked annoyed. Kuno stopped dead in his tracks.
"M..m..my pigtailed goddess!" he stammered. "What are you doing here?" His eyes widened as he caught sight of Xena in the group. "My youth has suddenly been brightened by the light of love once again! Akane, the pigtailed goddess and now you! So many women, so little time! Please, accept these as sign of my affection!" he gushed, proffering Xena a bouquet of red roses. Serena gulped. This guy could beat Darien hands down at his own game.
Xena and the pigtailed girl exchanged glances and grabbed the amorous youth, flinging him high into the wild blue yonder. He sailed higher and higher, then dropped in a graceful arc into a bath-house a few blocks away. Screaming, splashing and slapping sounds were heard a few seconds later. "Baka," the pigtailed girl huffed, and walked off towards a renowned dojo down the street.
* * *
In a galaxy far, far away, a single spaceship traversed the infinite void. It was sleek, white, and looked like a cross between a discus and a futuristic telephone. All seemed well as the ship zoomed past the blazing stars, but on the bridge, it was a different story.
"Capt'n! The trilithium cystals! They're aboot tae bleuw!"
"Scotty... we... have to take... evasive action!"
A humongous explosion rocked the ship, sending rocks (and crew) flying across the bridge in every which way, even though no one wondered what rocks were doing on the bridge in the first place.
"Bones... I thought I... told you... to get... new... seat belts!"
"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not an interior designer!"
"Fascinating..."
The ship blew itself apart in the most spectacular explosion this side of the universe.
* * *
"So... You're really Hercules, huh?" Mercury was striking up conversation on the way to the mall. "I read about you in my copy of Bullfinch's Mythology."
"Mythology? Nah... the gods were real, man. There was Ares and Cupid and Hades and Hestia and Hera and Zeus and Aphrodite (oh boy)..."
"Show off." Xena muttered.
"Hey wait a minute... But those are their Greek names... Then aren't you supposed to be called Heracles?"
"Ami... shhhhhhhut up..." Everyone else muttered in a loud whisper. Mercury scowled.
"Hmph. Bunch of killjoys."
There were surprisingly few people in the mall this Sunday, meaning the place wasn't packed to the teeth. Not one of the shoppers noticed the strange group of people entering the shops, thanks to the "Disguise Power" Sailor Moon pulled in a moment of good thinking. They were now dressed like shriners.
"Great going, Ace!" Mars huffed.
"Hey, like it was MY fault the pen misheard 'shoppers'! It's still a cover, isn't it?" Sailor Moon whined.
"Terrific! Now I have to spend the rest of the day looking like a Hare Krishna reject! This is all your fault, meatball head!"
"Don't call me that!"
Both the girls were about to get into another tongue contest when Zoisite piped up.
"Hey! It's a sale! 30% off everything in that store! Ooooh! That dress will look soooo darling on me!" The rest of the Scouts (after recovering from extremely large sweatdrops) stormed the store, raiding the bargain bins like there was no tomorrow. All except Mercury, that is. She rolled her eyes and said, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bookshop." She set off in its direction, but after making sure none of the others saw her, she sneaked into the video game store with a sly smile on her face.
Nephrite had meanwhile detoured to the comics shop, and was now wrapped up in a corner with a copy of Doraemon, studiously avoiding the stares the other shoppers were giving him. No one, absolutely NO ONE was going to spoil his only day off in a thousand years! He giggled contentedly, causing a few of the shoppers to move away from him.
Hercules and Malachite had spotted a surf shop and gone in together, much to Zoisite's annoyance. Hercules stared dumbfounded at the video screens, watching the surfers ride the waves.
"And I thought it would never catch on! Aphrodite was a real swinging babe!" he gasped. He ran his hands over the surfboard in front of him. "I really gotta get one of these babies... Mom will be so proud..." Malachite was in another part of the shop, eyeing the his and her surfboard earrings...
Xena had sighted an army surplus store and was heading its way (with Jadeite clinging to her leg) when she passed by a video arcade (Crown Crossroads Mall branch) and something caught her eye. A man was blasting the guts out of the villains in the Virtua Cop game. His scores increased as did the body count. It didn't seem to matter that he was shooting hostages as well. He laughed a loud, raucous laugh as he reloaded his gun and fired again. There was something familiar, or so it seemed, about the man. Then he turned around. Xena recognized him immediately. Ares.
He spotted her too. "Xena! Fancy meeting you here! Wanna join me in another round of Virtua Cop? Or maybe Street Fighter III? All this aggression, and you don't even kill anyone for real! How about it? We could relive old times..." He flashed her a megawatt smile. Xena considered this for a moment.
"Sure!" she chirped. "You! Stay outside." Jadeite reluctantly let go of her leg and sulked to the bench outside the arcade, mumbling about how he never got to have any fun. Moments later, he was asleep.
Luna and Artemis too, were checking out the petshop. Artemis had insisted on getting his favourite brand of catnip, to which Luna had rolled her eyes and commented rather testily about his singular lack of self control. However, before they could even reach for the small orange boxes on the top shelf, a large burly man, grabbed them by the scruffs of their necks and threw them out of the shop, yelling, "No pets allowed!" Both of them gave the store a flat look (it *was* a pet shop after all) and went to sit on the kerb outside, partly to sulk, but mostly to consult the Bill for Animal Rights in Fanfiction.
Unbeknownst to everyone, a shady character was out and about, scoping out the mall. He had every reason to be there. He adjusted his sunglasses, a smug little grin creeping over his face. He had just had a good talking to with the author of this fic in the presence of his lawyer, and won rights to appear in it. The grin crept even further across as he preened himself in front of the glass window of the hairdresser's. His hair was perfect, jet black and silky, the wispy bangs falling oh-so gracefully over his eyes. A well defined chin under those sunglasses had every girl he passed swooning at his feet. He cut an imposing figure with his wide shoulders, draped in a well fitting green sports jacket. He was wearing his favourite black muscle tee under his jacket, and it could show off his physique beautifully, if he so wished. Darien took one last look in the glass. Perfection. The grin threatened to slice his face in half. He had won rights to a flattering opening description as well. Life was good.
In the main square of the mall, a small black hole appeared. It grew bigger and bigger, until it was six feet tall. The figure that emerged had to stoop a little to get out, cursing as it bumped its head on the top edge of the hole.
* * *
Hercules was in the process of comparing the waxing on the two surfboards he had picked out when he heard a loud commotion outside in the main square. He looked out and saw a tall woman in the middle of the square raining dark energy from her fingers at anything and everything that moved. "Since when did Hera have such cool duds?" he thought, thinking back to the days where his stepmother still hadn't gotten the hang of colour coordinating her togas. The people in the square were running all over like headless chickens, and his first instincts were to run out there and flex a few muscles, but then he remembered Malachite was in the shop with him. He grabbed Malachite, who in turn snatched his change and a small paper bag from the clerk with a quick "sorry", and ran out of the shop.
The Sailor Scouts were there already, surrounding the woman. Zoisite was rather gallantly guarding their shopping bags in one corner, fidgeting with his robe, looking a little panicked and unsure of what to do. He immediately clung to Malachite as he approached, pointing worriedly to the square. They were joined by Nephrite, his arms full of mangas and posters, and Xena, clutching a large pink teddy bear she had won at the arcade, with Jadeite in tow. The four Generals grouped together, faces aghast.
"What do we do now, Mal? We didn't come all this way to get into another battle! For Pete's sake this is the only day off we've had for a thousand years!"
"I know, Nef, but it's okay since we've got the Union behind us... "
"Maybe we should sneak off before she notices us..."
"Great idea, Jed, these robes could be good for something after all... They *really* clash with my hairdo... Saffron really isn't my colour." They were about to slink off somewhere for some nice, hot coffee when a booming voice stopped them in their tracks.
"JADEITENEPHRITEZOISITEMALACHITE!!! JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?", Beryl thundered. The foursome face faulted, turning around with huge toothy grins plastered on their faces. "And what are all of you doing dressed in robes?"
"Shriners' convention?" Zoisite chipped in. He shut up when Beryl shot him a venomous stare.
"Your Highness," Malachite offered, but was cut short by Nephrite.
"With all due respect, Your Majesty, we are on our day off, so technically... we don't have to do your bidding today."
"And you don't want the Union breathing down your neck, do you?" Jadeite finished.
At the mention of the Amalgamated Union of Youma and Negaverse Generals, the Queen's face fell. It was bad enough she was hounded by them everytime she lost a youma in battle, but if they ever got on her case for not giving her minions time off from work, she could end up in court in an ugly labour dispute. It could set her way back with all the lawyer's fees, and she wasn't sure her piggy bank (actually, it was more of a gargoyle) could take it, ever since she splurged on that new diet plan a while back (which incidentally, didn't work). She sighed resignedly.
"Ah well... you lose some... and you lose some," she muttered. "Now Scouts, you shall suffer a thousand fiery deaths at my hands! DIE!!!" She continued her barrage of dark energy at the Sailor Scouts, who had meanwhile recovered from dozing or contemplating their fingernails, and were doing their darndest to repel her attack.
"And she told us to skip the melodrama," Zoisite rolled his eyes.
"I heard that!"
* * *
Darien was checking out the florist (for roses, what else) when a sudden overwhelming sense of danger (and the need to go) ran through his brain. He hurried to the nearest Gents' and after a while, came out looking relieved (literally). He was about to go back to the florist when a thought struck him.
"Ow! Oh yeah, I forgot! Hey I can sense Sailor Moon's presence, and she's in danger!" From the inner reaches of his jacket, he pulled out a battered looking rose. "This is the last time I get my roses from Jose's! Ah well... Tuxedo Mask Power, Make Up!"
In a blaze of colour that could only be termed as impressive, he spun around, black ribbons enveloping him from his arms to his feet.
"Hey!"
In a blaze of colour that could only be termed as impressive, hespun around, dressed in his tuxedo and mask, making his cape fan out in the way that made him look totally hot. He took off his tophat and let it fly in a sweeping arc, returning to his head with a 'ping' sound, and finished... with the dorkiest pose in the history of anime. Ignoring the dig at his otherwise cool transformation, he ran off in the direction of the main square.
* * *
"Crescent Beam!"
"Mars Fire Ignite!"
The combined attack hit Beryl square in the face, temporarily blinding her. The other scouts took this opportunity to fire another combined attack at her.
"Moon Tiara..."
"Jupiter Thunder!"
"Mercury Bubble Blast!"
"... Magic!"
The resulting explosion filled the square with smoke and steam. It cleared to reveal a slightly blackened but otherwise intact Beryl. It wasn't the Scouts' imagination that she was thoroughly pissed off. By this time, Hercules and Xena had gotten their bearings and joined in the fray. They each launched into one of their trademark flying somersault kicks, but bounced harmlessly off the force field Beryl had put up around herself.
"Owww..." Hercules mumbled, rubbing his head. He ripped out a nearby pillar, oblivious to the fact that it was an integral part of the mall's structure, and threw it at Beryl. Xena on the other hand was attacking the force field with her sword, but without much success. This caught Beryl's attention and she turned to face them.
"It's you two! You're the two strangers with immense life force! Your energy is mine!!" she screamed, forming arms of dark energy from her fingers, preparing to strike. The Scouts sensed she had changed her objective and surrounded the Grecian duo.
"If you want them, you'll have to go through us first!" they declared in unison (again). The evil queen's face twisted into a mocking sneer. "If you insist," she purred. "Feel the wrath of the Negaverse!" the dark energy exploded from her hands and tore off in the direction of the group.
A single rose streaked into the path of the blow and embedded itself in the floor, stopping the queen in her tracks. A familiar guitar riff and the sound of castanets filled the air. Tuxedo Mask switched off his tape recorder and yelled, "Sailor Moon! Reach within your heart, and find the soul of a true warrior!"
"Oooh Tuxedo Mask you're just in time (again)..." Sailor Moon's eyes became two bulging hearts. He smiled back, the sun twinkling off his teeth in a typical four pointed star. Sailor Moon almost fainted. "Ahhh... He's such a hunk..."
"Find the strength to defeat this evil! And remember, I'm always here for yo.." He was cut short by the sound of 'Sweet Georgia Brown' and the squeaking of sneakers on the marble floor. "Wha.." he began, but was stampeded over by a troop of four to six boys in red singlets with the word 'Shohoku' proudly emblazoned in black, dribbling basketballs across the floor. "Ack.. oof.." Tuxedo Mask gasped, trying to get up, but before he could, the same team of boys mowed him down again, this time from the other direction. He barely got up this time, his mask in pieces on the floor. Beryl and the Scouts gasped.
"Darien?" Sailor Moon choked. "You're Tuxedo Mask?"
"Oh no, Darien, are you hurt?" Mars asked worriedly.
"Like duh," Jupiter muttered.
"Prince Darien? It's you!" Beryl gasped.
"Prince who?" Mercury furrowed her brows. "I thought it was Endymion or something like that."
"Endy-who?" Beryl pondered this for a moment. "No matter! You shall serve me!" Darien was immediately teleported to her side, now dressed as Prince Darien. Sailor Moon drooled. "He's so cute..."
"Gee, and you were calling him a creep just yesterday." Venus said, out of earshot. She quickly regained her composure as the two began to advance on them.
"Please, Darien, remember who you are! You're the guy who always calls me 'meatball head'! Please remember, your name is Darien!" Sailor Moon pleaded.
"I thought his name *was* Darien," Xena observed.
"D'oh! Damned plothole." Mercury slapped her forehead. The sound of Beryl's maniacal laughter filled the air as she closed in on them. They had the sinking feeling that they were indeed in a pickle.
A flaming ball of light zoomed out of the heavens and crashed into the mall, whacking Beryl on the head, then bounced off onto Darien, knocking him out cold. The mysterious fireball landed on the floor, cooling down to reveal a twisted piece of metal. Sailor Moon bent over to look at it, just able to make out some writing on the smoking lump.
"NCC-1701-D..." she read from its surface. She shook herself and turned to stare at Beryl. "You'll pay for hurting my Darien! Moon Tiara Magic!" She threw her tiara in her direction, but Beryl, in spite of her injury, deflected it back at her, grazing her arm.
"Hey, no fair cheating!" she whined. "You can't do that! Waaaaaaaaaa......"
The square was suddenly filled with smoke and cheesy Arabian music. A clear voice rang out, "I... am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the key... on the sardine can of justice!" The smoke cleared. "I... am Darkwing... hang on... The Moonlight Knight!" The strange figure was clothed in Middle Eastern garb, complete with a turban and veil, covering half his face. He called out to the Scouts, "Sailor Scouts! Don't be afraid! Just stick together and everything will turn out right! And don't forget to floss!"
"Hmm, he sounds familiar... I wonder who he is?" Mars asked.
"Oh brother..." Mercury muttered. "Shut up, you Lawrence of Arabia reject!"
"Well!" the Moonlight Knight huffed. "Fine then, I'll go somewhere where I'm appreciated!" He stormed off in a refrain of that corny Arabian music. Almost immediately, Darien regained consciousness and a flood of memories returned. "Whoa," he blinked. "Heavy stuff. Princess... Serena?"
"Oh Darien, you're back! And I missed you so much..." Sailor Moon breathed.
"Gosh, we hardly knew you were gone." Mars thought she heard Jupiter sneer.
"Ahem... can we get back to the plot now?" Beryl interrupted. She was answered by a chorus of 'oh yeah, right's and 'oops we forgot's and 'okay's. She tsked irritably. "Okay, here goes. Arrgh.... I can't have been beaten by a bunch of giggling schoolgirls... this can't be... Negaforce... Give me strength..." She gasped as she sank through the floor.
"Gee that was easy," Hercules quipped. Before they knew it, the ground below them shook violently and opened up, with a souped up Beryl rising out of a monster flower.
"Eat your heart out, mother of all monsters..." Hercules gasped. Black lightning erupted from Super-Beryl's outstretched fingers and made straight for our heroes, but they ducked just in time so the blast hit the four Generals who were caught off guard comparing purchases. The attack left Nephrite, Zoisite and Malachite with blackened faces and permanent waves, well, maybe it was more of a permanent frizzle. Jadeite, having comparatively less hair than the rest of them, was miraculously unhurt.
"MY HAIR!!!! Now this is personal!" Nephrite screamed. "I don't care if you're my *bleep*ing boss, YOU'RE GONNA PAY! The Power of the Stars!" He let his attack fly.
"Me too! My Glowing-purple-boomerang-thingys!
"Ooooh Malachite, you're so cool when you say that... I'm with you too! Zoi!"
"Umm... ha... eh... err.. Kame Hame Ha!"
"You've been reading my comics!"
"I was bored! So sue me!"
It looked like an unevenly matched battle, even with all the characters pitted against Super-Beryl. Every blast, every attack was returned to them, magnified ten times by Beryl's dark power. As a last ditch effort, Hercules and Xena decided to double team Beryl, using each other as leverage to fling themselves at her, trying to knock her out. Beryl merely swept them aside with a flick of her wrist, sending them flying off into the toy shop and the watchmaker's respectively.
"Damn, we need reinforcements!" Mercury shouted in spite of a badly cut up lip.
"But who else can we use? All the heroes (and heroines) have already been used!" Venus replied. She could hardly move for the pain in her broken leg.
As if on cue (which it was, since this was the author's idea), heroic music began to play amidst a background of mountains, crashing waves and a multicoloured sunrise. Several voices rang out at once, which would be unintelligible, if not for some spiffy paragraphing on the author's part.
"Have no fear! The cavalry is here!"
"Let us help too!"
"Hey don't forget us!"
"We'll help, just you watch!"
Within seconds, the cast of Tenchi Muyo, Slam Dunk, Ranma 1/2, Star Trek, The Addams Family, the Greek gods and even Lara Croft had assembled in the square. Despite the tight squeeze they all launched onto Beryl and began to attack. Sakuragi and Rukawa were frantically bopping basketballs off her head, while Aeka was trying to electrocute her by surrounding her with logs. Ryouga was attempting to 'Bakusai Tenketsu' the ground below her, and Washuu fired off several rounds from her dimensional cannon. With help from Ares, Lara Croft was pumping several thousand rounds from her pistols into Beryl. Ryoko powered up Gomez's train set and sent the glowing weapon straight at her, with a little extra boost from Ranma's Kashi Tenshin Amaguriken. The crew of the Starship Enterprise had all of their phasers set on 'Annihilate (with extreme prejudice)' and were giving her all they had. She was being overwhelmed by the number of people surrounding her, and disappeared under the swarming crowd.
"Hey, looks like they got her!" Jupiter exclaimed. She and the others had been healed in a blaze of pastels by the omnipotent (and merciful) author while everyone else was busy.
"*Gasp* You spoke too soon!" Mars screamed as the lynch mob on top of Beryl suddenly rose and a gigantic ball of dark energy erupted from beneath, sending bokkens, basketballs, logs and morning stars flying in all directions.
"Hahahahahahaha! You can't defeat me! For I am the invincible, the all powerful, the great Super-Beryl!"
"Oh yeah! We'll see about that! Everyone! Your energy to the Silver Crystal!" Sailor Moon cried, holding the crystal aloft. In an amazing show of teamwork and cooperation the likes of which even the United Nations (and for that matter, the world) had never seen, the everyone's energy flew to the crystal in comet-like streaks, causing the crystal to glow like never before. "Suck crystal, Nega-creep! All Anime Silver Crystal Sonic Devastation!"
The resulting burst of light and sound could be seen and heard all across Tokyo, and the smoke from the mushroom cloud that rose from it took almost a month to clear afterwards.
The square was in a mess. Bodies were strewn everywhere, but the quick thinking author brought forth ambulances and medics who cleared the area of the injured or dead, sparing the little children reading this fic from further blood and gore, and conveniently tying up annoying loose ends, leaving the just the cast of Sailor Moon in the picture.
Sailor Moon got up, coughing and brushing off the debris she was under and surveyed the damage. "My mom's gonna ground me for sure!" she wailed as she mentally calculated the cost of repairs to the mall. It was going to take her a kerzillion years' worth of allowances to pay for it!
Meanwhile the other Scouts had come to. From the smoking rubble, Darien, the two cats and the Negaverse Generals emerged, battered but otherwise unhurt. Sailor Moon rushed to his side (as she always did) and cried, "Oh Darien sweetie! Are you okay?"
"I thought she used the silver crystal just now... isn't she supposed to be dead?"
"Shush, Mercury!"
"*grumble* Here I am, pointing out plotholes the size of Louisiana and what thanks do I get? You guys are no fun!"
"Fun... you'll get fun... Muhahahahahaha!!" an all too familiar voice rang out. " I can't be beaten! The Negaforce shall always triumph!"
"*gasp* It isn't over yet!" Venus shouted.
"Hey that's *my* line!" Sailor Moon screamed. "I've had it with you, Nega-scum!" She ignored the pointed glares the Generals were giving her. "I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice! My ultimate weapon!"
"No... not Reeny! Anything but that!" Jupiter pleaded.
"No... not the... the Smurfs!" Jadeite was cowering behind a toppled pillar.
"Not.. *gasp*... BARNEY!! Aaaaauuughhh!" Darien fainted.
"NO! It's worse than that! In the name of the Moon, I shall punish you with... SAILOR SAYS!!"
"Aaaaackk..." Mars collapsed, shaking. Could Serena actually be so... *cruel*?
"Serena, you CAN'T!" Luna exclaimed in her pseudo-British accent, glad of her first speaking line in the fic.
"Great going, Luna, you just blew Sailor Moon's secret identity wide open! We gotta take cover!" Artemis backed Luna into a corner behind a battered filing cabinet.
"Sailor says! Be yourself!"
"Arrggghh! No.....!" Beryl screamed as the words ripped into her.
"Sailor says! Pick your bed!"
"Uuuggh, no.. I can't take it anymore..." The barrage continued.
"Sailor says! Help your mom do the dishes! Hahahahaha!" Sailor Moon shrieked maniacally as Beryl collapsed to the floor, writhing.
"I'm melting, melting..." she howled as she dissolved into a large oily stain on the tiled floor.
"You think she's really gone?" Mars asked Venus when they finally found the courage to remove the rubber bungs from their ears.
"Gee I hope so."
"Umm... if Beryl's gone, aren't we like, out of a job?" Zoisite observed the stain on the floor. He felt a little sick.
"Yeah, what are we going to do? I don't think our Anti-social Security works here on Earth." Nephrite calculated his prospects in the human realm. They didn't look good.
"Hey what happened to Hercules and Xena?"
A large ball of flashing, multicoloured light appeared in the middle of the square, accompanied by an uplifting chorus of angelic voices.
"It's the Pokemon... no!" Malachite stared, dumbfounded. Two figures, dressed in white stepped out of the light. It was Queen Serenity and a medic.
"Oh hi mom!" Sailor Moon chirped. "Who's that with you?"
"All your questions will be answered. Pluto!" The medic threw off the white garb to reveal the uniform of the Guardian of the Time Gate. She still looked a little sozzled, but seemed sober enough.
"Good thing Pluto managed to sneak in one of the ambulances. She has returned the two strangers to their rightful time and place. As for the mall, it will be repaired and everyone will be none the wiser. And the four of you," she motioned to the former Negaverse Generals, "You shall come with me. We'll think of something for you. None of you shall remember the events of this day. It'll totally wreck the continuity of the anime. Now... Millennium Revert!" She held her hands aloft. A blinding white light filled the square and everything went black.
* * *
Serena was bored. The newspaper her dad was reading carried a story on the front page of a big buyout of the local gas company by a man called Maxfield Stanton or something. Why did she find that name so familliar? Oh well. Maybe she'd turn on the television. Maybe she'd catch the newest MTV deejay Jed something or other. He was just sooo cute! She did so, and was confronted with a loud commercial for one of those late night talkshows.
"Tonight on Geraldo! Male models, and the image consultants who love them!" The screen cut to a hunky, white haired guy in a muscle tee and a flamboyantly dressed boy with wavy copper hair clinging on his arm. She shut it off. "There's nothing good on TV anymore," she muttered.
Outside was no fun either. The streets were quiet. That blue haired girl walking down the other street seemed totally indifferent to the world as she held her book open in front of her, reading as she walked. Serena skipped to the nearby temple. That girl was there again, sweeping the temple steps. Didn't she do anything else besides chores? The mall was no different. Andrew was at the arcade as usual, and hovering over a brunette who was trying in vain to catch a Sailor Jupiter doll from the machine. The Sailor V video game was swamped, and the blond girl who was playing it feverishly seemed oddly familiar, but Serena just couldn't place it. What she wouldn't give for a little excitement now and then!
Somewhere in another dimension, the author grinned a self satisfied smile and typed the last line of the fanfic.
This originally started as a Hercules/Xena/SM fic (I was inspired by the Jim Beam ad), but things got a little out of hand about two thirds of the way and so... you know the rest. Hope it was okay!
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