The Three Reikai Tantei Tough
A Yu* Yu* Hakusho fanfic
by Kaoru
Hi-diddley-doo! Yet another children's story warped and distorted to the whims of my sick, twisted fantasies! Enjoy! :)
Fan mail, junk mail and black mail can be sent to namikata@rocketmail.com
Standard disclaimer: The characters in appearing in this fic are property of Togashi Yoshihiro, Shueisha, Studio Pierrot and Fuji TV. If you sue me you'll only be getting lots of anime merchandise, most of which is yours to begin with, so... (sweatdrop)
Once upon a time... (evil chuckle)
Over the hills and far away... three Reikai Tantei came to play... Well, they weren't so much playing as reccying the place for subversive elements that could upset the delicate political balance of the Makai.
On this particular day, they were on the lookout for an especially dangerous youkai at the behest of Koenma, their de facto boss. This youkai was dangerous in that he spared none of his victims from the dreadful torture that no one had lived to tell about. It was rumoured that he favoured young, beautiful youkai as his prey, in spite of his yet unconfirmed hideous features which were said to be able to halt a three-horned woolly grizzlebeest at fifty paces.
From a few highly suspect eyewitness reports, this youkai was described as of the vulpine persuasion, able to control vegetation, seven feet tall and silver in colour, with a big, long, thick...
... tail. (Hah, gotcha! Whaddaya mean you don't get it...)
Anyways, the Three Reikai Tantei Tough, as they liked to be called since it was kind of catchy, had received some information that the youkai was hiding under a large stone bridge leading to a lush green pasture full of sweet meadow grass. Not that the Three Reikai Tantei Tough were all that interested in the grass, being fine, strapping young men who thrived on *meat*. It was just that right smack in the middle of the pasture was a stall selling *the* best tonkatsu in the Makai.
The Three Reikai Tantei Tough shrugged. They were feeling peckish anyway.
They stood at the foot of the bridge with some measure of trepidation. If the rumours were true, then they might not come back alive after doing battle with the fearsome youkai. Then again, if they didn't beat this monster, they'd probably starve to death.
Regular Makai food was something to be reckoned with, unless you actually liked the stuff.
The biggest of the Reikai Tantei Tough puffed out his chest and declared in his booming voice, "I, Kuwabara Kazuma, shall slay this vicious brute in the name of the Reikai, and bring back some tonkatsu for the fair and virtuous Yukina-san!" With much aplomb, the big Reikai Tantei Tough stomped off onto the stone bridge, shaking its foundations with his resounding stride.
A loud yawn was heard from the shadows under the bridge, and almost immediately after, a massive tangle of vines sprang up from the darkness to form a huge, slightly grotesque humanoid shape with glowing red eyes which stared daggers at the annoyingly loud trespasser.
"Who dares disturb me from my sleep?" the monster thundered.
The big Reikai Tantei Tough stared at the great green creature. He had not expected it to be so huge! The reports of its size were apparently, greatly underestimated. Then again, didn't the reports also say that the youkai was silver in colour?
"Hah! I was not expecting such a puny adversary!" the big Reikai Tantei Tough lied. "I shall dispatch you with ease and much satisfaction with my Rei Ken! Banzaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgghh!"
The rest was lost as the big Reikai Tantei Tough was snatched from where he stood by leafy vines and dumped unceremoniously onto the soft green pasture. The plant monster let out a bored sigh and disappeared under the bridge.
The medium Reikai Tantei Tough, after nursing a spot of migraine, decided to try his luck next. He trotted up to the middle of the bridge and called, "Oi, come out, you no good son of a *&%$@&*!" As expected, the hulking green beast appeared before him, red eyes blazing.
"Whaddaya want now?!"
Now unlike his carrot topped compatriot, the medium Reikai Tantei Tough knew that this wasn't really the youkai they were after, merely a decoy so the real youkai wouldn't have to show himself.
"Hey, are ya chicken? Come out and face me yourself, instead of hiding behind your wimpy little plant-man!"
Moments later, the medium Reikai Tantei Tough found himself sprawled rather uncomfortably on the soft meadow grass quite some distance from the stone bridge. The plant monster slunk underneath once more, muttering curses about being called a wimp.
"Hn, stupid humans," the little Reikai Tantei Tough snorted. It was now up to him to take care of the dangerous youkai. He flickered from where he stood to reappear in the middle of the bridge, embedding his sword with a swift thrust into the hard stone. He waited.
Before long, the herbaceous fiend stood in front of him, peering dismissively at the short, black-clad youkai on the bridge. A long moment of silence followed, as the two entities engaged in an extended staring competition. A single leaf fluttered impetuously downwards to land between the sparring duo.
The plant monster shifted slightly with a wry smile that was immediately lost in the snarl if leaves, twigs and branches that made up its face. The little Reikai Tantei Tough tensed at the movement, ready to spring. Instead of attacking, however, the creature shriveled away to reveal a robust seven-foot tall silver youko with stunning golden eyes set in a wickedly handsome face, draped in pale gossamer clothes that left barely anything to the imagination. A silver tail swished enticingly in the breeze. The little Reikai Tantei Tough stopped dead in his tracks, trying (rather unsuccessfully) to stop a small trickle of drool from escaping the corner of his mouth.
"Ah," the silver youko drawled, "You look just like that three-horned woolly grizzlebeest did. Glad I haven't lost my touch."
The little Reikai Tantei Tough could only gape.
"You shouldn't stare with your mouth open like that, you know. It's rude," the silver youko advanced on the stupefied fire demon. "Here, let me help you close it."
Several long minutes passed before the fire youkai was allowed to breathe again. He reeled, partially from the oxygen deprivation, but mostly from the earth-shaking lesson in mouth to mouth resuscitation he had just received.
"You know, if you want to cross a bridge, you have to pay the toll. I may have a few ideas about that..."
With that, the silver youko dragged the unresisting youkai under the bridge and proceeded to show him just what 'tough' really meant.
* * *
"Oi, Yuusuke, you think it was a good idea to leave the little runt back there? All those weird noises are beginning to scare me."
"Nah, he'll be okay. Hey, this tonkatsu is really great! Ah, maybe those two'll want some when they come out from under the bridge. Chef, another order please!"
"Comin' up!"
The End!
I just *loooove* children's stories, don't you? (dives into a pile of Ladybird story books)
The source code of this page and text of this fic are copyright Namikata Kaoru 1999. No unauthorized reproductions please!
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