there's a lot of things that i would like to say. for one, all my writing below obviously have been done at a point of my life when i didn't feel so great about myself. how i am feeling about myself now, i do not know; to be honest. i feel like screaming, but i know that it will get me no where near to my solution. i only hope and wish that there was a solution easier and faster. but to every easy way out, there's a hard way in. i only hope and wish that my questions will be answered, and that happiness will spread. there's a few things that will make me happie any time: stuffed animals, a hug, and a friend. music and drawing are my tranquility, please don't get 'em mixed up. again, i don't know what i'm saying anymore. so i'll leave you with the rest...


before my scribblez actually being i'd like to make a lil' personal msg to someone that i used to be safe around, i used to enjoy being around with, i used to be able to relax and chill out when i'm stress or whatnot. i used to call you oppa, but not any more. now you're just my ordinary older bro. oppa is not just another word for older brother. to me it means something more. to me it holds the meaning of something like a guardian angel. someone that watches over you, cares for you, trusts you, and will listen n' help whenever needed. eight months you leave home for your studies. being alone at home wasn't so easy. you know how i can't handle certain things and useless to mom and dad in so many ways compared to you. you're always the one that can help them. not me. i'm just useless. i just do the lil' filler tasks that people don't want to do like wash dishes, clean this, learn piano, keep so-n-so company, tag along n' be my lil' pet slave. i don't know if you realised, but you're the only one that gets the appreciation around here. i never heard a single 'thanks' for anything that i've done. well that is only a lil' insignificant thing. when you came back to visit, for break, n' after your year of studies have been completed i understood the pain and stress that you had to go thru being home with all the restrictions. i always and am here to help ya. that's cause i'm your dong saeng. i know how things are and i, of all your friends know what goes on the best. i don't know if you ever noticed, but i never really came to you when i had problems i never really went to anyone. yeah i know, it's unhealthy n' someone will listen... whatever. what hurtz me the most is how people just push me away. i'm always being pushed away. or so i think so. you know the feeling. i noticed that when you came back for your 'summer vacation' you get aggrivated easily... then again i notice that a lotta people get that from me often. i don't know what's wrong. ...sad to say, but it's not only that. you worrie soo much that it makes me sick. everything i do, everywhere i go you just want to follow me or something. i know you know the feeling and everything that i'm going thru. you even said so yourself. yet you refuse to help me. instead all i've been hearing is that 'ohhh.. it's soo easy! i don't know why i was stressing.' n' i'm having a hard time! it's not fair. you don't do that to people! ... i'm just rambling... this is useless anyways. the main msg that i just wanted to get across to ya is that you're not the bro that i remember you as... and tears are falling because i miss that bro!~


< < s c r i b b l e z > > i sometimes wonder. is it better if i just end my life here?! rite where it is. save myself from the furture pain and suffering that i will cause and the ones that i will go through. seems a little selfish i know, but if you think about it, things will be better. well people don't need me specifically for anything. i'm nothing really 'special' to this world. if anything i see myself more as a burden. i cause my parents to worry more when i'm sick, just because they're afraid of losing another girl. but if i'm already gone, they won't have that fear anymore. and besides i cause more trouable compared to mike and much less useful that he is. you can easily observe his value to the family. everyone loves him and takes notice of him more than me. i'm just the lil' carry on, hurry up thing in the family. because i'm the youngest and the girl factor... plus the age/generation gap between everyone. i'm just an outcast as usual. i don't really fit in anywhere specifically, have no real place or sense of belonging to anything and it just appears to be that no matter what i do, how much i try, it's simply just not enough. nothing ever seems enough. it's as if my effort is just effortless... useless.. unwanted... not needed, or fitted for this world that i live in. sometimes i pray for my life to be taken away. i do not have any main desire in life or wants. in matter of fact i do not bother to care half the time. a lot of people that i know are so caught up with materialistic things in life that tney forget about some true values in life. i am sick and tired of people always wanting more luxury items and bored themselves with an 'older' model or version. i see money as a waste of time. though it is essential for life in society, it does not mean that i expose whatever i have to every single soul. you must have respect for another person in soceity. seriously this is what society is lacking of, respect... for yourself and for others.~

i feel like i'm drifting away or something. every nitei look in the sky n' try to find the stars... n' the moon... what i usually find is just one star all alone. just by itself. i know that there's other stars shining out there... but you just can't see 'em. anyways, my point is that it's a reflection of me. in a way. i feel like i'm alone. no one understands what i have to go thru. no one really cares. no one knows how much stress or worries i carry. as long as i perform well. no one see what i want out of life... they're caught up with their own stuff. i don't mind that people have their own things to look after n' take kare of... but just one moment i would like people to hear me out. what if it's the last time you'll hear from me!? no one knows...

nothing is ever wrong.. that's what. everything just have to be fine.. just have to seem perfect. nothing else... every single day after my 16th b-day i have cried ... i don't know why, but i have cried. over n' over again, but in a way that noboday knew, nobody seen. so i won't be bothered why i am crying and what for. sometimes it's as if i'm not allowed to. i'm sorrie, i'm not. i'm not allowed to cry at all actually.. unless someone died. only then am i allowed. funnie thing. every moment, i feel like someone is dying. over and over and over again. me... what's the use.. what good will come out of anything. sometimes i just think... but then there's you you gave your life to me... it'd be selfish to take that gift n' trash it...

when trying to help out someone you don't make 'em cry or worse for that matters. friends should always be there for you and help you at times of trouble. they'll protect you from harm and save you from trouble. friends should not cause stress everytime you talk to 'em n' should not ignore one another's needs. r-e-s-p-e-c-t it's a word that everyone should know. friends or not you should always respect people! i don't kare what a person might have done or anything, everyone should have some respect for everyone. respect people's privacy, their possessions, their hopes, dreams, faith, respect them for who they are. no one in this world deserve more stress or worries than what they might already be carrying... no one knows the truth...

that's rite! no one knows the truth! no one knows what kind of cr@p i have to go thru in my life. no one knows my 'glorious' childhood story. no one knows squwat about me! n' i really do hope that people would stop pretending that they do know me! because it's simple! you DON'T! no one does.. why!? prolly because even the closest person in my life now changed and doesn't give a rat's arse about me or anything. i'm your lil' sis, bro! does that mean anything!? no i guess not. what about you mom!? ohh too busy i see... dad!? noo i don't want a lecture i want people to understand and hear me out! but i guess not. i guess i'm not meant for this world or something. i dunno. it's surely the way how i see it. "what!? did maria say something?" i hate having to repeat myself because in the end it's just useless. whatever i say is meaningless... so ignore this all...

it's simple! they don't trust me! no one trusts me! i can never go out or anything because i'm not trusted. if i can't get 110% on every single friggin' course then i can't even go to a simple movie with friends without being yelled at because i went out. i don't know what i do to piss people off the most. the fact that i listen to 'em or the fact that i ask for a lil' something. i'm at the point that nothing really matters n' i don't really kare. i rather sit in a lil' corner than do things that i'll enjoy. depressed!? prolly.. but it's been going on, n' there's nothing to do about it. i don't even know why i bother planning or fantasizing... it's all gonna be in the trash at the end.

i'm just sitting here all alone. just thinking about my life overall. what have i done. what have i accomplished. what people think of me. what i think of people. there a lot more that i think about... like the way things are. or the way things seems to be. it's kind of weird. sometimes i feel like i'm blessed. other times i feel like i'm cursed. and you know that the other times i'm just confused or really stressed not to kare at all. it's kinda of sad and depressing in a sense. it's like i don't know what to think of, or what to do with my life. i know that i'm still quite young to think too much about things like these, but it just comes to me and i wonder. especially with the way things are... just knowing that you're born to fill another's life. as a replacement or something. i don't know if i gives me more of a reason to live, or more of a reason not to. i don't mean to scare anyone, it's just that there a lot of things that i' have going on. a lot of things that i'm thinking about. a lot of things that i just want to know and get the answers to. just hope that one day it'll all come clearly to me. i'm usully blinded by one side of things, that my problem. i try to be more open, and think about the other side. but it's also quite frustrating. i don't know, maybe if you knew what i was going thru you'd understand better. well for one, i feel lonely, isolate, left in the desert with no direction of where the party is at. it's the feeling of wanting a significant other. i don't know. but then again i think that i'm too young to think about this. i think that there's other things that needs to be taken kare of before any of that. i think that having the other isn't such a great deal, because in the end it might end up as a big mess. and one more look around... there's that thing. that things when someone feels for you and you cannot give in return. you say you want to be friends, and you are friends, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. crying every nite because you have to go thru the stupid pain n' arguement of realizing how much of a b*tch you really are. it's like you're loved, but you're not loved. don't know where you belong or what your use in the world is. everything you do seems to cause trouble, pain, sorrow, greif... it's all a cycle. a very stupid cycle i must add. but it happens. fantasizing about that special someone... but then there's that other. that other that will follow you and wiling to do anything for you, but all your want is them to keep a safe distance and be friends. promises of friendship are always made, but are they kept!? not all the time. sometimes i feel like there's no one who i'll every get to be with... rest in their arms... talk to day n' nite.. someone who truely kares. but then the whole sinking feeling comes back, n' it's telling me, that if i really want it there is someone... but i just don't feel the same. and because of that - i tell myself off. to smarten up and stop thinking about it. but it all jsut keeps coming back. the feeling of being wanted. and i think about giving it a shot. but i dun wanna be one of those people who just plays around with people and their feeling. i'm not that type of person. and i'm not one who is willing to do any little experiment. when i think that something will work out, i'll take control, but if not then i'll just leave it and let it go. sometimes... my life isn't mine at all. i'm being driven by a numerous of people who expect different things from me and wants me to be sumthing different frum others. i know it's not intended, but it happens and i just don't know who i truely am. sometimes it feels as if i'm left out or alone...

i sit here, in my dark room just me, the computer, n' mp3... what am i doing!? waiting for someone that i can talk to. waiting for a place that i can run away to. waiting for a miricle.


name: unknown
location: unknown
current mood: depressed, useless, alone...
'what's up?': crying my heart out...
miricle waiting for: reunited with halmoni n' catherine

if you read all of this i'm sorrie...