Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left?"
"None,"replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are
thinking."
Little Johnny says,"I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second
was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is
married?"
"Well,"said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No,"said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but
I like the way you are thinking."
Teacher!!!!!!!!
There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like
to be when birthed and grown up.
The first one said:"I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and ask "Why a plumber?"
He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
The second one said:"I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked "why
an electrician?" He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed
for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied,
"so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us every night."
Once there was a beatiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she
did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful
bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the man explained.
"Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes
and they turn red with embarrasment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself
to her plants twice daily. After two weeks and her neighbor stopped by to check her
progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly..."But you should see the size of my cucumbers!!!!!"
A good friend of my told me a tragic story of his life. One day, he came home from work,
and as he was coming to the house he hear someone horning in the front. Naturely he look out and
saw his wife leaving with another man. From there on every time he heard a horn from a driving by
car it scared him. To try and comfort him, I ask him the reason for being nervous. He answered:
"I'm afraid that the guy would bring my wife back!!!"
Why hunters are the best lovers?
Because they always dig deep into bushes...
Always shoot more than once...
...and always eat what they shot.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T.
than anyone elso.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially
skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and
are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job,
training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion
to DIRECTOR, EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T).
If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPEACIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T S.H.I.T).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T)
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand
and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood
and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand
because I was tried of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand
and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have
believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, my company etc...By the way,
where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in 5,10,20
minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is a guy,
spread-eagle on the sink, pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my God!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says:"No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax..."
At the first time a man made love with his wife, he asked her:"Am I the
first one to sleep with you?" She replied: "Why do men always ask
me this question?" ....
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Joe is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommended that Joe be
promoted to excutive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Project Leader
Memo sent soon after above.
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1,3,5,7...)
for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Project Leader
Bill Gates is a millionaire. He earns a huge of money from the company
Microsoft, that he is an owner now. He get married with a lady. At the
first night honeymoon, his wife told him the truth about him:
"Now, I know you more clearly and the reason you named your company is
Microsoft." Bill Gates didn't understand, so he asked her why:
She briefly answer:
"Not only
Bill Gates!!!!!!
Huge 300lbs. woman walks into a tatoo shop and asks the artist:
Woman: "Sir, could you do a tatoo of Mike Tyson on this leg?" "And another
of Mohammad Ali on this leg?"
Man: "Sure I think I can do that, just come on back and have a seat."
A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final
product. The woman takes a look at the tatoo for a while and says, "Well sir
we have a problem, this doesn't look like Mike Tyson and this sure as hell
doesn't look like Mohammad Ali." The man sits and thinks for a second and
says to himself, "man I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this
300 lbs. woman"...he sits for a little longer and comes up with a solution.
He tells the woman "OK here's the deal, you go out side and the first person
you see I want you to ask them if that tatoo looks like Tyson and if that one
looks like Ali."
So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunkman walking down the
street, she approaches the man pulls up her skirt and asks him:
Woman: "Sir, does this look anything like Mike Tyson to you?"
Drunk: Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice) "naw sure
don't."
Woman: Well ok now, "does this look anything like Mohammad Ali to you?"
Drunk: Taking another sip says nope that sure don't, but you see that one
in the middle that looks just like Don King....
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either
physically abuseive, who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the newspaper, that was asking for a man who:
1. Would treat her nicely
2. Wouldn't run away from her
3. Would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured
that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so
she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She
answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who
didn't have any arms or legs. The man said: "I'm here about the ad that you
put in the newspaper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you,
and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?"
And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the
doorbell?"
In a small town in California, there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble.
These boys were friends but every once in a while they would get into a
fight. One time, after they had both just gotten ice-cream Trouble's ice-
cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up
ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, he sat on a curb and started to
cry. A police officer pulled up and asked "What's your name?"
Shut-up replied: "Shut-up" (that being his name) the officer go angry
and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally he asked
the same question and got the same reply and then said, "boy, are you looking
for Trouble?"
And Shut-up said: "yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!"
Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that
he has to take a shit.
"Well, go into the bushes", said the other.
"What should I use to wipe my ass?" ask the first.
"Use a dollar bill."
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over
his hands.
"What happened?", asks his friend.
"I didn't have a dollar bill, so I use four quarters."
