Episode #4: Enter the Scarlet Dragon
Or, How I Spent My Weekend Doing Superhero Stuff
Ah, Moadville! Where the sun shone six days out of seven, where the blue sky stretched away unbroken to the horizon, where the birds sang all day and long into the evening (provided there were no villains around), and where the radio played the widest possible spectrum of music stations that could be fit comfortably between 87.5 and 108.1 FM.
But, oh, Moadville, what sad state, when its chief defenders, the Argonauts, are divided! It was the kind of situation which could lead to teenage angst. However, as a word in their defence, the members of the Argonauts who weren’t off on dark personal voyages into the depths of their guilt-ridden souls, or just suffering from amnesia, were really holding up well in the sunshine—focused, as they were, on their own current mission.
But that can wait. What’s important is what happened one day in Schwartz Dining Hall, while Jen was engaged in the daily task of determining what exactly it was that the college was passing off as food.
Cut to: Jen bent over her plate, the tip of her fork stuck in it. She bent her ear low, wondering if those were squeaks coming from her food. She frowned and poked the indistinguishable mass a few more times. Well, at least the salad was less brown than in Bricks Dining Hall.
"Can I sit here?" came a voice from behind her left shoulder. She looked up—well, not that high up, as the owner of the voice was not tall. In fact, she was slightly short, with straight blonde hair, red-framed glasses and a strong chin, and a bright ‘hi, how are you’ smile. She was dressed casually, in jeans, a t-shirt, and a red-and-white plaid shirt over that. Jen recognized her as a hallmate.
"Sure," said Jen. "You live on my hall, right?" she asked amiably as the girl set her tray down and took her seat across the table.
"Yeah," she said, "I’m Anita!"
"I’m Jen!"
This was followed by the brief awkward pause that accompanies a meeting, where both parties try to decide on a good topic of conversation. Finally, they settled on the rather standard exchange of their respective majors. For her part, Jen, being a sophomore, would soon be declaring hers as English, while Anita was looking at either Theater or Political Science, but was a freshman and so didn’t have to declare for a while.
"Interesting combination," Jen said, smiling. "The study of getting people to believe something fake."
Anita laughed. "Yeah, that’s pretty much it! Both lying, just different ways."
That shared joke served to break the ice rather well, and they found themselves easily moving onto the topic of identifying the food, and from there onto that topic of more advanced camraderie, opinions of their professors. By the end of the meal, Jen left Schwartz with the confident feeling that she had a potential new friend, and that this wouldn’t be the last she’d see of Anita.
* * *
Meanwhile, across town, a certain Commissioner was busy tapping away at his computer, as he had been doing all morning (the coffee cup eventually being replaced with a ham sandwich). What he needed was a plan.
Well, that was a painfully obvious statement. Of course he needed a plan! So far, he’d just been scrolling through the A.R.G.O. Headquarters files, trying to come up with an idea, something—because the Argonauts could no longer be trusted to do things right, he thought discontentedly. However, while he was learning many interesting things with the files, the number of times that the secretaries used the copy-machine wasn’t really helpful at the moment.
He sat back in his chair, and took a bite of his ham sandwich. How was he, a Commissioner with none of those heroic qualities that set apart the Argonauts for their roles as superheroes, and left him to just relay orders to them, to defeat a villain? Aside, of course, from his basic aikido skills and his substantial knowledge of medieval Europe (which might not help him to defeat villains, but might at least give him a respectable theme to work with, he thought, eyeing his Museum Replicas sword hung on the wall).
Unfortunately, villains, as was well-known and even better documented, are always able to defeat any person who is not explicitly a hero, both in terms of fighting skills and resources.
So he had to find another way.
He would outsmart them.
But how? Perhaps he could trick them into an ambush; no, that would still require someone who could ultimately defeat and capture them. He flipped idly through the files of the different Argonauts, then stopped suddenly on Anne Moffa, the cat-girl intern. He stared at her picture—that was it! It was all clear now. All he had to do was to defuse a villain, through a beneficial alliance. And what better base for an alliance than a love-interest?
He switched over to the files on active and inactive villains currently in Moadville. The Baron AlVair, after acquiring the museum’s prized Largest Nugget of Iron Pyrite in the world, had skipped town, and was no longer on the list. However, the Commissioner found another source of surprise: Mr. Evil and Cyberlord were no longer in Moadville. In fact, according to the records, there was no activity from either of them, anywhere. It was as if they had just given up the villain business. Heck, even the pathetically-named Deathbringer Bloodblade Darkshadow had left town. The only ones left were the Dark Avenger, the Scarlet Dragon, and Darth, a minor one-shot villain who had been inactive since his defeat last seaso—I mean, semester.
The Commissioner rubbed his goateed chin. The Dark Avenger was a rather violent and erratic villain, who couldn’t be depended on to hold up his side of a bargain, even a beneficial one. He wasn’t quite happy with placing an inexperienced intern with such a villain. Darth, on the other hand…it was true he was inactive, but it would certainly prevent any future criminal activity from him, and the Commissioner might even win for A.R.G.O. a decent ally. Yes, of course! It was the best plan. He rolled his computer chair over to a bookshelf and pulled out the Moadville yellow pages, searching for a suitably romantic restaurant where the new ‘alliance’ would take place.
After all, as a great bard once said, all’s fair in love and war.
* * *
Meanwhile, in another part of town, a completely different scene was taking place from the one just described. To wit: a young woman, with a gorgeous figure and light-blonde hair, sat in a chair, wearing an outfit that could only be described as very flattering. Over a form-hugging white t-shirt, she had a form-hugging red-and-white plaid shirt, sleeves rolled up to reveal her well-toned arms, the front of the shirt tied up in a knot to expose her midriff, and tight jean shorts. It was a body that fanboys drooled over, that empires collapsed over—the reason, in short, that anything got done.
"Bring me a hot chocolate, a TV and VCR, and a copy of ‘The Princess Bride’."
The random henchman stammered, "Um, Scarlet Dragon—"
The woman glared at him out of the corner of her eye, from where she lounged on her chair.
"I mean, Your Worshipfulness—"
"Much better."
"You see, that is… ‘The Princess Bride’ isn’t available."
There was a deathly quiet. The lips started to turn down in a pout, the face started to turn red—
"W-we wished to have it ready in case you requested it today, Y-your Worshipfulness, but the only copy had been taken out of the video store."
Her voice was deathly quiet. "You mean…to tell me…"
Pathetically trying to divert an inevitable disaster, the henchman burst out, "It was their only copy! We did our best! And Backblaster Video didn’t have it—"
"You don’t have it?!!" The Scarlet Dragon jumped from her chair, her face red and distorted in rage, all of it directed at the hapless henchman. "What do you mean you can’t get it?! When I want something, I get it!" Drawing on reserves of enraged strength that would have (almost) put Angry Jen to shame, she lifted a table over her head, and aimed it at the henchman. "And I want it! So that means, go GET it! NOW!!" The table barely missed him, crashing into a wall. Stuttering an apology, he ran out of the room.
Less than five minutes later, the Commissioner was startled by a burst of sirens from the Evil Detector, and the Argonauts (currently consisting of Seeker, Pouch, Super Jen, and Anne) were alerted by the Crime Computer and were off to Maple Street in the fine, tree-lined suburbs of Moadville, to a small house that was currently being broken into.
The henchman, on yanking the ‘Princess Bride’ from the VCR as violently as he could without hurting it, slipped it into a sack, and stepped over the crying toddler and 13-year-old girl who had been in the process of watching it. Heading over to the window, he slipped it open, just as heavy footsteps were heard on the stairs and a man in a t-shirt and jeans came down into the living room…with a shotgun in his hands.
"Who’re you," he demanded, "and what in the name of God’s green earth’re you doin’ in my living room?" Click.
"Eep!" the henchman eep’d, recoiling from the cocked barrel of the shotgun that was currently aimed at him. Shoving himself through the window, he bolted onto the lawn—and stopped instead at a long, thin sword pointed at him.
"Eh, boy, ‘tis a good question," Pouch scintillated in his gypsy accent. "Vhat are you doink here, ah?"
At this point, the man with the shotgun was standing on the porch, and once again aiming it at the henchman.
"Hey, Anne," Super Jen said, "why don’t you let us handle the bad guy, and you just calm down the citizens?"
"Calm down the—?" Anne looked dubiously at the man, wrinkling her eyebrow. "Um, okay…" She approached gingerly. "Um, excuse me sir, there’s no reason to be alarmed. We’re the Argonauts, and—"
"Jesus!" the man half-swore, half spat. "It’s the biggest ‘coon I ever seen!" He fired the gun, and Anne gave a helpless ‘eek!’ and dove out of the way, the bullet just grazing her hair. For, unfortunately for her, she was wearing a domino mask, and her cat ears and tail were grey with black stripes, quite enough to fool the lower ranks of Moadville citizens.
Angry at this misnomer, she just as quickly jumped back to her feet. "Excuse me!" she exclaimed. "I’m a cat, sir! Not a raccoon! See?" She yanked off her mask and, in her fury, hit him on the arm with it.
He dropped the gun in surprise, his eyes sparkling and widening with delight. "Well, there, ain’t that the purtiest kitten I ever saw?"
Before Anne could respond, the man had picked her up by the back of her gi and was pulling her back into the house. "Hey, kids!" he called. "C’mere! Daddy’s gotten you a cute little kitty fer a pet!"
"Hey!" Anne exclaimed, struggling to get out of the man’s grip. "Help!"
"Oh, shoot! Anne!" Super Jen exclaimed. She looked at the henchman, whom she was gripping by the collar and shaking, in an attempt to wring information from him. "Oh, gee, I’d like to help, but I’m a bit busy right now—"
"I’ll help her out, yah!" Pouch said, jumping to the cat-girl’s rescue.
The man, however, was seemingly oblivious to Anne’s struggles. "Now, then, little kitty, don’t you fret," he said, patting her on the head. "We’ll just go in and get you a nice bowl of milk. Won’t you like that?"
However, before the well-meaning man was able to carry through his offer of a dairy treat, he noticed through the haze of cuteness that there was a draft about his legs. He looked down. His belt was sliced in two, and his jeans had fallen around his ankles. As anyone could imagine, with a man of this type, this was not a pretty sight.
"Yoinketh!" Pouch exclaimed, grabbing Anne from the man’s grip.
"Hey! That there kitty’s fer my kids!" He picked up his shotgun again.
Seeker and Super Jen looked up from where they had managed to extract the words "video" and "temper" from the scared henchman, as Pouch ran past them, carrying Anne over his shoulder. "Wha—" Seeker began.
"BOLT!" Pouch burst out. Seeker and Super Jen looked at the man aiming the shotgun at them, then decided that the best course of action was the one being endorsed by their fellow Argonaut. Turning, one hand each still gripping the blabbering henchman, they bolted from the premises as fast as they could, getting out of range just as another shot rang out, nicking a trashcan.
The man stood on the porch, frowning. "Them darned Argonauts stole away a fluffy li’l kitty what I was gonna give my kids," he said, angrily.
"Um, dad," said the 13-year-old girl, "that wasn’t a fluffy little kitty. It was a girl with a tail."
* * *
After running nearly to exhaustion, the quartet of Argonauts stopped in an alleyway behind a Dairy King, setting down the shaken henchman (and the rapidly recovering Anne, who was feeling up her hair for damage).
"I s-swear, please let me go, I need to get this to her!" He waved the video cassette in their faces, his eyes wide with fear. "If I don’t, all of the city could be in danger!"
"From whom?" Seeker asked.
"From her!"
There was a pause. "You know, if this were a movie," Seeker said, "that would be very dramatic. However, in this setting, it’s not particularly helpful." He sighed. "Let’s try this again. What is the name of the person who will destroy Moadville if she doesn’t get this tape?"
"The Scarlet Dragon!" he burst out, then collapsed into a fetal position. "She’ll get angry! And you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry."
"You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, either," Super Jen pointed out, her mouth starting to turn down in a frown.
"And how exactly could this ‘Scarlet Dragon’ be a danger to the city?" Seeker asked, getting rather tired of cryptic clues. Couldn’t they, for once, get a henchman who spoke clearly and explicitly?
Clouds gathered on the horizon. And from their depths boomed a voice.
No.
Seeker looked up. "Oh, come on, Author-sama. It’s not that much to ask." Then, thinking better of it, he braced himself for the anvil.
It didn’t come right away. Instead, the voice continued to rumble, And speaking of story devices, I’ve been thinking, Seeker. You have a new car this season, which no longer has the tendency to explode every episode. Which means that you need a new weakness.
Seeker looked up at the clouds, his brow wrinkled in confusion. "I don’t see how th—" He paused. His eyes widened, as all color drained from his face. "Y-you wouldn’t, would you?!"
As you have feared, so it will be. There was the sound of smug chuckling coming from the clouds, which then drew back to reveal a sunny blue sky again.
There was a moment’s pause.
Then, the air above Seeker’s head crackled with yellow energy and split open into a portal. There was a flash, and somebody came crashing down through the portal, landing right on the henchman, their knee connecting to his chin and throwing him to the pavement. Then the person, recovering from their—her—rather undignified entrance, stood up. She had long black hair tied back in a ponytail on top of her head, and she was wearing what appeared to be quasi-futuristic clothing that wouldn’t have been out of place on Skuld. In fact, to complete the ensemble, she was weilding a power mallet. (This season just gets weirder and weirder, doesn’t it?)
There was silence as the woman stood up and looked around at the people surrounding her in the alleyway. Then her eyes alighted on Seeker, and there was a flash of recognition in her green eyes. "You!" she exclaimed, leveling her power mallet in the direction of his chest.
Seeker sputtered, and looked wildly around. Then, "Run!"
And, being the first to follow his own advice, he turned and did just that, bolting headlong out of the alleyway.
"That seems to be a common solution in this episode," Pouch remarked.
"But what about the henchman?!" Super Jen cried, looking from Seeker’s retreating form to the stunned but still conscious toady.
"Forget him!!" the panicked Seeker cried back.
Super Jen looked at Pouch and Anne. They shrugged, and ran out of the alleyway, following Seeker.
The woman, for her part, (thrown off-guard by Seeker’s unexpected reaction as she was), yelled, "Hey, stop!" and started to pursue them, but they were gone before she could get out of the alleyway. "Damn!" she hissed under her breath.
Behind her, the henchman was struggling to his feet, and crawled away without being noticed, the ‘Princess Bride’ copy in tow.
Heh heh. It’s good to be the Author-sama.
* * *
The Scarlet Dragon slipped the VHS cassette out of the sack and admired it for a brief moment before slipping it, satisfied, into the VCR. There was a clicking and a whirring, then a second of static, before the image of a dashing young man in black appeared.
"—then word gets out that the Dread Pirate Roberts is getting soft, and then it’s nothing but work, work, work!"
The Scarlet Dragon slid into the comfortable armchair—her favorite kind—and relaxed, letting the movie take her away, occasionally taking sips of the hot chocolate by her side or muttering the lines under her breath.
Her various henchmen relaxed, saved—for now.
Suddenly, the VCR made a clicking sound that didn’t sound normal. The Scarlet Dragon leaned forward, wondering what was happening (her henchmen, exchanging confused looks, leaned forward as well).
Whrr-whrr—cl-click click click snap!
The picture died in a burst of static, followed by blackness.
Silence hung in the room.
And slowly, ever so slowly, the Scarlet Dragon turned her head to look at her henchmen.
She was not happy.
* * *
Back at the Dungeon, Seeker—now Josh—finally relaxed, collapsing in a chair.
"And what was that all about?" Jen asked, as Anne left the room to change into her everyday clothes (she hadn’t yet gotten the hang of spontaneous transformations).
"Ah, yes, do tell!" Keibert cajolled, pulling another chair up to the table.
Josh rubbed his temples, as if getting a headache. "I’d really rather not, if you don’t mind," he said slowly.
"Well, I think it is kind of important," Jen said, "especially if this person is hunting you down, which seems to be the case."
"She has a point, you know," Keibert said. "It wouldn’t be a good thing if this woman were to track us down right to our Headquarters. And, let’s not forget that she was able to recognize you as Seeker."
"So does she know your real identity, as well?"
Josh sighed. "Yes, she does. It’s a long story, and I can’t really get into it now. To be honest, I’m surprised she was able to track me down to this—to Moadville." His brow wrinkled in consternation. "But for now, let’s just say that she is one of the last people I want to meet right now."
Jen frowned. "Fair enough. But you do owe us an explanation eventually."
Keibert nodded in agreement. "There should be no secrets, especially where a potential threat to the Argonauts is involved."
Josh stared at his folded hands for a moment, then slowly nodded. "Understood."
There was a moment of silence, which was broken only by a sudden crash from the next room, and an irritated "Mreowrr!", followed by a magical-girl wand crashing through the door and flying across the room, and a petulant "Oh, shoot!"
The remaining Argonauts looked at each other.
From the next room came a disgruntled mutter, "Stupid training gauntlet . . ."
* * *
"Your Worshipfulness! Please!" the henchman cried desperately. "Calm down! We’ll get you another copy, really!"
"I wanted to watch it now!" screamed the enraged villainess, kicking the VCR into a mess of twisted metal scraps. Sparks flew from the remains of the already-trashed TV.
The henchman—the same one who had brought her the copy—looked around despairingly, then his eyes alighted on her video stand. "‘Into the Woods’!" he blurted out. "Wouldn’t you like to watch ‘Into the Woods’ instead? It’s your favorite musical!" He picked up the tape and paraded it in front of her face.
The Scarlet Dragon’s eyes flashed with rage as she glared at him.
"Um, you know! All your favorite songs!" He thought a moment. "Um, Dwarfs are very upsetting!" he sang, horribly off-key. "Not to mention the tasks unachievable, uh… mountains forgettable…I think…"
The kettle of hot-chocolate impacted against his face. "Idiot!" she cried, "‘Into the Woods’ is for tomorrow! Today I want to watch ‘The Princess Bride’!"
"Urk—*" was all the henchman managed to say before falling over.
The Scarlet Dragon pouted. "And besides, it’s ‘mountains unscalable’, you fool! Get it right!" And just for good measure, she kicked him.
The henchman groaned, then whimpered.
Her eyes narrowed. "A new copy," she said clearly. "Mint condition."
"Yes, your worshipfulness!" the henchman said, darting from the room as soon as he could.
Unfortunately for Moadville, she still had a lot of left-over anger even after this. Turning to the window, she flung open the shades and frowned at the town lying peacefully and obliviously in the warm fall afternoon, spread before her in all its sunshiney glory.
Her hands clenched the windowsill until it cracked and splintered beneath her grip. "This town," she growled, "will pay."
She waved one hand dismissively, and disappeared in a puff of stage smoke.
* * *
Anne was in the costume room in the Dungeon, trying to squeeze a magical girl wand, a deck of cards, and a bazooka back into her training gauntlet unsuccessfully, when she nearly jumped out of her skin at the blaring of various alarms. Bolting into the main control room, she skidded to a halt and looked around. "What’s going on??"
Josh was typing furiously away at the Crime Computer’s keyboard. "Looks like we’ve got some trouble downtown," he said, glancing over his shoulder at the cat-girl intern. "Suit up, we’re heading out."
"Oh, nuts!" Anne whined. "I just changed back into my normal clothes!" She looked at her arm. "Except for this silly thing," she said, holding out the arm that had the training gauntlet.
Super Jen was busy double-checking her umbrella (no one had yet figured out how it had been miraculously repaired from the burned-up mess it had been at the end of the last season; no one had asked, and for the most part they figured she must have found one heck of an umbrella repairman). She turned when Anne came in, however, and took in the other three Argonauts. "We still haven’t heard from Flip yet…he might be hurt!" she said. So far, the dark martial artist had yet to respond to their signals, and had been missing for about a day and a half.
"Unfortunately, there’s trouble afoot, so we can’t go off looking for him now." Josh sighed, and closed the window he’d been checking. "We’ll have to do what we can after this battle, in terms of both Flip and Brian."
"Speaking of our intrepid yet absent leader," Pouch said, "I think it would not be a bad idea to check out what the Stooges System has to say about this situation."
The Stooges System, three huge supercomputers that had been programmed with Brian’s personality, still hummed in the next room. Josh nodded, and the four Argonauts entered the cavernous room.
"Stooges System, execute. Voice logon recognition: Seeker."
"Voice recognized. System booting up." The screen flared to life, and made various science-fictiony beeping noises while buttons blinked and flashed. None of the beeping noises or flashes actually did anything, but as a general rule, all items of high technology had to make it glaringly obvious that they were items of high technology, or else who would be able to tell a supercomputer from a washing machine?
"Stooges System," Seeker began, "What would Brian do in a situation involving a Class-B1 threat in the downtown Moadville area?"
MOE:> WHATEVER. WANNA GET SOME DINNER?
LARRY:> I DON’T KNOW, I GOT SOME COMP SCI HOMEWORK TO DO.
CURLY:> AAAAAHHH!!! THE ANGEL IS ATTACKING MY SYSTEM—
Thunk!!!
CURLY:> OWW . . .
The Argonauts blinked.
"Wow," Super Jen said, "apparently even the Stooges System can be punished for Fourth Wall violations," she said.
Beside her, Pouch merely whistled at the impressively-sized anvil that had just landed on one of the supercomputers, which was now throwing a few sparks and whose beeps and hummings were slowing down, trailing off into a pathetic "Nyuk nyuk nyuuuk…"
Seeker scratched his head. "Hmm, I guess the system still has a few bugs to be worked out…"
* * *
By the time the four Argonauts arrived in downtown Moadville, it had deteriorated to quite a strange scene. For one thing, the most obvious phenomenon was a host of giant vines sprouting right out of the pavement and spreading all over the sidewalk and buildings. Cars had crashed into the thick trunks that were growing rather inconveniently in the middle of the road, and fire hydrants and various other underwater piping had been broken, sending flumes of water into the air and along the streets.
"Ouch," Super Jen said.
Pouch scanned the street. "There!" he said, pointing among the trailing vines, at a blonde-haired woman, whose hair had been piled outrageously onto the top of her head, and who sported a bright cape. And she was prancing about the streets (though not happy Disney-ish prancing, but a more evil, skulking-type prance), reaching into a bag at her hip and throwing its contents in handfuls onto the ground. She only occasionally stopped to throw her arms back and sing very foreboding lyrics, something about a last midnight.
"Ohmigosh—" Anne began, her hands covering her mouth in an expression of surprise. "Do you know who that is? She’s dressed just like—"
The woman looked over her shoulder and zeroed in on the Argonauts. There was an explosion, and she disappeared in a puff of stage smoke—only to reappear right in front of them. Glaring at them with her piercing eyes, she reached into her pouch and drew forth a handful of—whatever it was—and, throwing them on the ground at the Argonauts’ feet, she sang angrily.
"Here you want a bean! Have another bean!
Beans are made for making you rich!
Plant them and they soar! Here, you want some more?
Listen to the roar, giants run ascore, oh well, you can blame it on the witch."
Blink blink.
"…What?" Seeker asked, bewildered.
But Super Jen jumped forward and pointed at the woman, who could be no other than the Scarlet Dragon they had been warned about. "It’s…the witch from next door!"
"Who?" Pouch asked.
The costumed Scarlet Dragon frowned, as if she hadn’t expected that statement.
"You’re right!" Anne said. "She’s dressed as the witch from ‘Into the Woods’!"
The Scarlet Dragon’s eyes widened. "How did—"
But before she could finish, Seeker and Pouch leapt forward, one leveling the Soyokaze’s blaster cannon and another leveling a feather-sword at her.
"Halt your assault on Moadville, and surrender now!" Seeker demanded.
"Or theengs vill not be pretty around zees place, no?" Pouch added, smiling.
The Scarlet Dragon glared at them. Pursing her lips, she said slowly, "Give me the boy."
Anne scrunched up her face, trying to remember the play. "You mean Jack?"
"No!" she cried dramatically, extending one hand. "Give me the one who was sent for ‘The Princess Bride’!"
"So," Pouch said, "you are the one behind that henchman trying to get ‘The Princess Bride’!"
She tossed back her head and sang sarcastically,
"No, of course what really matters is the blame, somebody to blame.
Fine, if that’s the thing you enjoy, placing the blame,
If that’s the aim, give me the blame."
Her eyes narrowed. "Just give me the boy!"
The Argonauts looked at each other. "Vee don’t have him," Pouch said finally. "And besides, that does not matter. Vhat matters iz you surrendereeng, no?"
"We’re sworn to protect this town!" Super Jen added. "And you’re messing it up!"
The Scarlet Dragon glared at them. "You’re so ‘nice’," she finally hissed, slowly, dramatically.
"You’re not good, you’re not bad, you’re just ‘nice’.
I’m not good, I’m not nice, I’m just right!
I’m the witch! You’re the wooorld!"
"Enough!" Seeker cried, aiming his blaster cannon at her. The nozzel thrummed
and heated up, releasing a blast of hot energy in her direction.
But the moment it hit her—or the instant before—she threw back her head and uttered an eerie, piercing note before melting into a puff of stage smoke.
The Argonauts stared at the smoking crater. Around them, crashed car alarms blared and the citizens of Moadville were attempting to recover from the shock of seeing thick beanstalks burst through the pavement; and they began to help those who had been caught in the tangle of vines, including one stray milk-white cow.
Seeker stared at his blaster cannon, from which smoke still issued. "I didn’t expect to kill her," he said, somewhat in shock. "I honestly didn’t expect her to just stand there and take it. I expected her to dodge, or at least protect herself." He turned over his arm to observe the indicator lights on the other side. "Besides," he said, eyebrows raised in bewilderment, "this thing is only set to ‘stun’!"
Thud.
"Okay," Super Jen said, "now’s not the time for Fourth Wall violations."
"But that wasn’t a Fourth Wall violation," Seeker said. "It really does have a ‘stun’ setting. And besides," he added, "I didn’t get an anvil."
Thud.
"Then who did?" Super Jen asked.
"Not me," Pouch said.
"Or me, either," said Anne.
Thud.
"Well, something’s gotta be making that noise," Super Jen exclaimed, exasperated.
The four Argonauts looked around, but could find no anvils lying around, or anything of the sort. Then, from between two taller buildings, Seeker caught in the corner of his eye the shadow of something big.
"I sought zat vas far too easy," Pouch muttered.
Thud. Thud.
Seeker scanned the distant shadow, and his jaw dropped open. He stared at the large object moving behind the buildings. Anne saw him go still, and followed his gaze. Her eyes, too, grew wide, and she stopped to stare.
"Well, what could it be?" Super Jen asked, still not noticing the shape now moving towards them.
"Beats me," Pouch said, shrugging.
"Guys—" Anne began, her voice barely above a whisper.
"What?" Super Jen asked, slightly annoyed. But all annoyance died when she saw what was now thudding towards them, slowly, dramatically, unstoppably.
A giantess was walking along the street. Her eyes squinted down at them. Then, when she was so close that the Argonauts had to crane their necks back to see her, her voice boomed out.
"Give me the boy!"
"You know," Pouch observed, "zis giantess looks surprisinklee like zee witch, no?"
"And her demand is the same! It must be the Scarlet Dragon!" Seeker exclaimed.
"Boy," Super Jen said, "she certainly does have a flair for the dramatic."
"I demand the boy who has my copy of the Princess Bride!" the pretty blonde giantess demanded, her eyes flaring with rage.
"Quick, Anne, tell us," Super Jen demanded, "what happens next in the play? You’ve seen it before!"
"Uh, uh…" Anne stammered, struggling to remember.
Ah, Argonauts! What a task you face before you! Will you be strong enough to defeat this great villain before you? Will you find the strength, the courage to—
"They sacrificed the narrator."
The Argonauts looked up at the Author-sama.
Oh no. Oh no you don’t!
"They did it in ‘Into the Woods’!"
And I’ll have you know they were unsuccessful. And besides, she can’t mistake me for a boy. I’m a girl!
"She has a point," Pouch admitted.
"Then what do we do now?" Super Jen demanded. "The giantess is too big for my reprimanding power to work."
Seeker frowned. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to send the Kamikaze to the shop."
"Yaaaah!" Pouch cried, charging forward with his sword, slamming it into the giantess’s large ankle. But the impact had a strange feel to it—and his sword rebounded from the tough skin.
The giantess turned her gaze on him. Pouch suddenly felt very small.
"Oh, not good," Seeker muttered.
And, with a flare of rockets, the Soyokaze flew forward, grabbing Pouch and yanking him out of the way just as the transformed Scarlet Dragon’s giant foot came down on the pavement where he had been standing. Chips of rubble flew, and a sizeable crater formed.
"Anne, do something!" Super Jen shrieked, trying to protect herself from the flying rubble.
"Me?!" Anne exclaimed. "Why me??"
"Because you’ve seen ‘Into the Woods’!"
"Well, so have you!"
"But it was too long ago! I don’t remember what happens!"
"I don’t know what to do, this is different! This isn’t a play!" Anne replied. "Geez, I’d give her a copy of ‘The Princess Bride’ if I had it! Maybe she’d calm down then!"
The giantess paused. "What?" she asked, her eyes narrowing. "What did you just say?"
"Ah, good old ‘Princess Bride’," Pouch said. "Remember Miracle Max? He was one of the best characters! Besides, of course," he added, "Inigo Montoya."
"Oh, let’s not forget the Dread Pirate Roberts!" Seeker said.
Despite the situation, Super Jen chuckled. "Hey, I bet if Brian were here, he’d be quoting already."
Seeker grinned. "‘—and then word gets out that the Dread Pirate Roberts is getting soft…’"
The other Argonauts added in unison, "‘and then it’s nothing but work, work work!’"
The giantess’s eyes widened. She opened her mouth to say something, but that was just when her foot came down on a car. There was a scrunch of metal, a burst of flame—and the giantess, thrown off balance by the sudden pain in her foot, stumbled back—and fell.
"Oh no—!" Super Jen cried.
"She’ll destroy half of downtown when she falls!" Seeker exclaimed.
"No, eeven verse!" Pouch cried in dismay. "She’s falling right towards the card shop!"
As one, the Argonauts cried out, "NOOOOOO!!!!"
But it was too late. With a tremendous, sky-splitting crunch, the giantess had fallen, taking out the prune juice factory—well, we never liked that place anyway—and just narrowly avoiding the card shop.
"Phew!" the Argonauts all breathed in relief.
The giantess lay still. There was a long pause, and then, ever so slowly, the body was engulfed in stage smoke.
The Argonauts, surprised, looked at each other. But since looking at each other revealed no helpful explanations—why would it?—they turned instead to gaze into the smoke, from which a small figure was starting to emerge. Through the dim haze, they could make out a woman in jean shorts, and a form-fitting white t-shirt under a red-and-white-plaid shirt that had been tied in a knot above her midriff. But as she approached, her shorts lengthened into jeans, her plaid shirt unknotted to fall straight down, and became baggier, more casual. And when she fully emerged from the smoke—
"Anita?!" Super Jen cried.
The Scarlet Dragon, who had become Anita again, approached the Argonauts cautiously, and stopped a few feet from them. "You—you like ‘The Princess Bride’?" she asked, sounding slightly surprised, and—pleased?
"Um, yeah," Anne said.
"Vhat kind of geeks vould vee be if vee didn’t, eh?" Pouch added.
Anita began to smile. "And ‘Into the Woods’?"
Anne smiled back. "I have the soundtrack back home! It’s an excellent musical."
"And…" Anita continued, "you’d watch it? With me?"
Seeker shrugged. "Sure! Not everything we watch has to be anime necessarily. There are all sorts of movies we like."
"And you wouldn’t even mind if I sang along??" Anita asked, excited now, her face bursting with joy.
"Hey," Super Jen suggested, "we quote stuff all the time! We’d love to sing along! Maybe we could even get together next Friday night and watch it!"
Anita was beaming now. "Really? Cool!"
Seeker regarded Anita. "You mean…you don’t really want to destroy the town?"
Anita shook her head. "No, I don’t want a destroyed town. I guess…" and she thought about this, "I guess I want a friend."
Super Jen smiled. "I think we can arrange that!"
* * *
That evening, in a distant—and not nearly as pleasant as Moadville—city, a man wandered through the dark alleyways. However, even that blackness was nothing compared to the dark thoughts that roiled inside his mind. Lightning flashed dramatically, partially illumating his face before the shadows smothered him up again. There was a moment of silence, then a distant echoing rumble of thunder, before the heavens opened up and rain poured thickly onto the pavement.
Flip clenched his fists, and moved on.
Author’s Notes
First of all, a note on the multiple references. If you are a geek (and most likely, if you are reading this, you must be at least partially one), you most likely know what The Princess Bride is, and will have recognized references to Inigo Montoya ("You killed my father. Prepare to die.") if nothing else.
Chances are you might have heard of ‘Into the Woods’ as well, but for those who haven’t, it’s a thickly-layered and intricate musical by Stephen Sondheim, which is a modern reworking of all those classic fairy-tales you remember as a kid. The main ‘villainesses’, if they can be called that, are a witch and a giantess (the witch being Anita’s favorite character in RL, and the person she would most like to play if she ever performs in ‘Into the Woods’). It also boasts a milky-white cow :) Most of the song lyrics were taken from the song "The Last Midnight", as sung by the witch, who is demanding that the other characters sacrifice Jack to the angry giantess as recompense for him killing that giantess’s husband, and thus stopping the giantess’s rampage and saving themselves. The henchman in this episode pathetically attempts to sing "Agony". All lyrics, etc., copyright their respective creators. BTW, both ‘Into the Woods’ and ‘The Princess Bride’ are excellent, so go see them!