Episode #13: A Boy and His Mallet
Or, How I Spent My Weekend Kicking Crime Butt
The city of Townsville.
A city of—what, I have the wrong script? Oh, okay. Here, let me start again.
The city of Moadville.
A normal town, where normal citizens go about their normal lives, thinking about normal things. Never worrying about the world at large, never puzzling themselves with the bigger questions. Never, that is, except in the case of one boy . . .
"So, Mr. Owl," the boy said, pulling a small lollipop out of seemingly thin air, "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
The large bird continued to preen itself nonchalantly in its display cage at the zoo. After a moment, it turned its wide gaze on the peculiar spectator and let out a loud "Who, who!"
"It’s me," said the boy. "I want to know. How many licks does it take?"
"Who, who!"
"Me!" the boy exclaimed, frustrated. "Me! How many licks? How many?!" He grabbed the cage and started rattling it. And that was about when the security guards threw him out.
A few minutes later, this same boy, who was maybe in his late teens, was standing at the edge of the Algainy campus. "So, Sickeningly Cute Anime Kid, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
"Wai! Wai!" the kid squealed.
"Because I want to know, that’s why!" the boy growled. "Now tell me, how many licks does it take?"
"Wai! Wai!"
"Because!" Suddenly, the boy pulled out a Super Jumbo-Sized Mallet and brought it down on the kid, leaving a crater the size of a car. Having vented his frustration, he adjusted his green windbreaker and strolled off.
* * *
"But why would you want to sneak into a place like that, Keibert?"
Keibert winked at her in the light of the street lamp. "Don’t worry about me; I have my reasons."
Linnea managed a slight smile. "If you didn’t have a reputation for getting out of trouble, I’d be worried."
"All you have to do is escort me in and get your money. Leave the rest to me."
Linnea and Keibert (dressed passably as Pouch) walked through the long corridors of the complex, escorted by armed guards. Eventually they came to a spacious office with the works: a fireplace, wood paneling, velvet-cushioned chair behind a polished mahogany desk. The chair swiveled so that the person behind the desk was facing them.
Keibert merely raised an eyebrow at the person who had placed the bounty on his head.
"Well, so this is Pouch. Excellent work." The man nodded stiffly towards Linnea.
She stepped forward and threw five of the six manila folders onto the desk. "He was quite willing to talk after a little…persuasion." She winked at the man behind the desk. He smiled back, as if he knew exactly what she was talking about. "Those folders are all the details about the Argonauts that he told me. Identities, powers, etc." She pulled out the sixth. "And this," she said, handing it to the man, "is a folder containing my information and references."
The man flipped this last one open. "And you are…" he read the first page in there, "Miss Laura Reed. Good work, Miss Reed."
"It’s my job," Linnea said stiffly.
"Yes, well, if I have need of you in the future, I shall drop you a line. For now," and he turned to one of his assistants, "bring this woman the $100,000 reward. She has certainly earned it." The underling ran off. "Guards, escort Mr. Pouch—or should I say," and he flipped open another envelope, "Mr. Kevin Eldritch, to the dungeon."
In a moment, the underling returned with a suitcase. Linnea opened it up and checked the inside; satisfied, she turned to leave. Once out of the building, she looked over her shoulder at the huge complex. "Keibert," she muttered, "you had better get out of this one alive."
Inside the office, the Boss smiled. However, his happiness was broken momentarily when an assistant ran in to tell him that four of the Argonauts had infiltrated one of the back entrances and were making their way into the bowels of his headquarters.
He put aside the manila folders to peruse later; right now he had to find one more Minion to send after them.
* * *
Seeker turned on the Gensokaze’s shoulder-mounted headlights. They weren’t as bright as the Soyokaze’s, but it was better than stumbling around in the darkness.
"So this is the Boss’s headquarters," Super Jen said, peering into the long, dark corridor. "It’s huge. This might take a while."
"This is just a back corridor," Seeker said. "I’m attempting an infrared scan to find any possible exits into the main complex."
Brian shrugged and leaned against one wall. "Whatever," he said. There was a sudden beep, and then an electronic voice intoned, "Password accepted. Proceed," right before the part of the wall that Brian was leaning against fell back to reveal a lighted corridor.
"Brian, you found it!" Super Jen said. "Chalk one up for our intrepid leader."
Flip peered into the lighted hallway. "No one in sight," he said. "Let’s go."
They stepped into the new corridor, Seeker at the head, scanning for anything of interest. Oddly enough, the place seemed to be similar in layout to an ordinary office building. Most of the offices were locked; the few that were unlocked turned up nothing interesting, save a set of golf clubs, a postcard book from the Rio Grande, and a slightly worn copy of Machiavelli’s The Prince. What a set of golf clubs, a postcard book and The Prince were doing in a bunch of offices, they had no idea. So they moved on.
Soon, they started to enter corridors that had guards posted. They nodded to Flip, who moved ahead of them and knocked out the guards before they could sound any alarms.
"Whatever is in these offices must be important," Seeker said.
"Can you hotwire these locks?" Flip asked, indicating the electronic combination keypads next to the doors.
"Should be able to. Hold on…" Seeker focused his scanners and punched a few keys inside the Gensokaze’s gloves. "It’s double-encrypted. This’ll take a few minutes. Hold the fort."
Flip kept watch on one end of the corridor; Super Jen watched the other end. Brian scratched his head and, lacking anything else of use to do, he watched the ceiling. One never knew when someone might randomly cut a hole in the ceiling and drop down.
"Got it," Seeker said. The door slid open. Inside were several computer terminals.
"Jackpot!" Super Jen said.
Seeker slipped into one of the chairs. "This ought to provide us with enough information to plan a good strategy. Let’s see if I can log on to one of these…"
"I’ll let you handle that," Flip said. "I’ll guard the door."
"Sounds good." Seeker booted up the computer. Soon, the only sound in the room was the click-clack of the keyboard, and Brian munching on a bag of nachos that had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere.
* * *
That very night, a shadowy figure appeared before the mysterious boy in the green windbreaker. While most of the man’s face was hidden in darkness, his smile was quite clear. "Tell me, how are you liking this place so far?"
The boy looked around, and shrugged. "I’ve seen more interesting places."
"Haha, yes, well, I’m sure a person like you has seen many strange and bizarre places; our little town here must seem quite commonplace."
The unflappable boy was unflapped. "It’s okay, I guess."
"So I suppose you were wondering why I finally summoned you here."
"Not really."
"Yes, well—" The shadowy figure was getting slightly frustrated. Suddenly, realizing that he was showing weakness, he adjusted his tie and straightened up. "As it stands, you are my most powerful and—ahem, versatile Minion. The other four have been defeated; I’m counting on you to wipe out those pesky Argonauts once and for all."
"‘Wipe out those pesky Argonauts, once and for all’?" The boy turned to the audience and rolled his eyes. "Talk about your lousy lines. What’s next, ‘And I would’ve gotten away with it, too’?"
There was a brief pause as the bystanders waited for the anvil. However, for a long moment, nothing happened. The bystanders scratched their heads, shrugged, and moved on.
"Regardless of my lines," the Boss said in a louder voice to recapture the audience’s attention, "the point is that I need you to defeat them finally, before they can do any more damage to my reign of power."
"Do you want fries with that?" the boy asked, suddenly wearing a McDonald’s uniform and standing behind a fast food counter that had appeared right out of nowhere.
"No, I do not ‘want fries with that’," the Boss said, rapidly losing patience.
"Well, have ‘em anyway. On the house." The boy pulled out a container of french fries that was as big as himself, and poured its contents into a huge pile at the Boss’s feet. "You’d be surprised what you just find lying around in Mallet Space."
"Never mind the fries! Just get on with it!"
"Sure, sure," the boy said, the counter, uniform and fries disappearing as quickly as they had appeared. "However," he continued, "I do have one question. How come all you really big villains always send out the weaker minions first? Instead of getting rid of the good guys in one quick sweep, you have them getting stronger and developing their powers on the weaker minions, making them harder for the stronger minions to defeat; plus, instead of having to only pay for the services of the stronger minions, you have to pay the stronger and the weaker ones, as well. If you ask me, it just doesn’t make sense."
"Well, you see, boy," the Boss began, pulling up a chair, "it started back in the good old days, when the weaker minions tended to be pesky and untrustworthy underlings, the killing of which would actually be a boon to the bosses. Plus the fact that, since most of the time, weaker minions tended to be killed off instead of ‘converted’ or what have you, payment for them became a moot point. Things went downhill, however, when the Underlings Union started demanding mandatory clauses in minion contracts, requiring advance pay for all missions." The Boss clenched his fist. "Damn them…I shall crush them!"
"Yeah, well, whatever. I’ve got my cut," the boy said, smiling and patting his pocket. "Don’t worry; I’ll take care of those—" he snickered, "‘pesky Argonauts’ for you. No problem. Ta ta!" And with that, he disappeared. Just like that. And just when the Boss wasn’t looking.
"Damn him…I shall crush him!"
"Sir," another underling appeared. "The IRS is at your office; something about an audit…"
There was a pause. "Damn them…I shall crush them!"
* * *
Keibert, still partially dressed as Pouch, was being escorted by a pair of guards to the dungeon. No, not the Argonauts’ headquarters! I mean a real jail cell. Steel doors and everything. They turned down several corridors, until Keibert noticed fewer and fewer people. Finally, when it seemed to be the right moment, he turned and rammed into one of the guards, slamming him into the wall. The other guard fired his pistol, but Keibert ducked into another corridor and completed his transformation into Pouch: his sneakers transformed into boots, and his leather arm greaves appeared, followed by a domino mask and a Robin Hood-style hat with its ever-present Exceptionally Long Feather.
By the time the remaining guard followed him into the corridor, that feather had become a sword, and sliced the pistol in two. The guard shrieked like a girl and ran off.
"Now," Pouch said, smiling mysteriously, "time to do some sneaking."
* * *
The Boss skimmed the dossier for Pouch and raised one eyebrow. "That’s it? He has a mysterious smile??"
"Well," one of his underlings hedged, "a terribly mysterious smile…"
"Plus," another one added, "I hear he can, like, cut guns in half with his feather!"
"Really?" asked the first one.
"Yeah, that’s what I heard…"
The Boss sighed and tossed the dossier aside.
* * *
The office door’s window fell with a crash as Pouch rammed his elbow into it. Reaching around, he unlocked the door and let himself in. Inside was an ordinary desk with a computer, a potted plant in one corner and a filing cabinet in another.
Opening the filing cabinet first, he skimmed the manila folders, looking for anything of interest. There were billing statements, shopping lists, and several recent memos. He picked up a few and read them:
To: Full-Time Employees
From: The Boss
Re: Splicer Funds
Due to the recent failures incurred by some members of our organization at the hands of the Argonauts, we are somewhat under budget for this fiscal year. Due to the necessity of the Genetic Splicing Project, we cannot afford to decrease monetary funds in that area. As a result, our normal Christmas Bonuses will be replaced with booklets for free car washes. Any written objections will be forwarded to the paper shredder; objectors should use any means necessary to throw themselves into the incinerator on the third floor located next to the break room. Thank you.
To: Dr. Mitchell
From: The Boss
Re: Genetic Splicing Project
Your weekly report is late. Any further delays will not be tolerated; have your update on my desk by 5 p.m. tonight or I will personally visit the Laboratory and take it from you myself. We cannot continue to waste money on your failures.
Pouch looked up. "Dees is vun man I vould not like to meet in a dark alley." Putting aside the memos, he slipped into the chair and booted up the computer; in a few minutes he was logged on to the company intranet. He paused, however, when he noticed someone else on the intranet; someone going under the name of Boris821.
"‘Boris’? Ees dat you, elder brother?"
Seeker raised an eyebrow at the message; it was from someone named NeroRules.
"Hey, it’s Pouch! He’s communicating using his Nero persona!"
"Aye, leetle bruzer. Vhat are you doink heer? Accordink to zees message boards in zee intranet, you vere brought een by…a Nimani slave drivehr."
"Yes, but…I broke free from zheir ‘imprison’ spell."
"I never thought that role-playing games could be so useful in real life!" Super Jen said.
"You call being a super hero ‘real life’?" Brian asked, incredulous.
"I vill try to rejoin zee adventurink pahrty. Meet me in zee tavern. Eet might be a few minutes, zoh. Zhere are manee, manee vandering monsters een zees mod, no?"
"Yah, bruzer. Vee vill see you een a few minutes."
"Switching systems, how is ‘Yorick’’s Banality level?"
Seeker looked at Brian. "This question is for you."
"Tell him," Brian said around a mouthful of nachos, "it’s holding steady, but it could be better; it rose a notch after a brush with a copy of Machiavelli’s The Prince."
On the other end of the line, Brian’s fellow pookah nodded in understanding as Seeker typed the message. Pouch was about to reply, but stopped short when the door opened and, seemingly instantly, someone was standing behind him, reading over his shoulder.
"You can tell ‘Yorick’ that he’ll be getting plenty of Glamour soon enough," came a voice.
Pouch turned and stood up abruptly, hitting the ‘delete’ key. The messages were erased from the screen. He hit it several more times; nothing else happened. "Oh, man!"
"What are you trying to do, turn into Freakazoid?" the boy standing behind him asked.
"…maybe…" Pouch mumbled. "Oh well, time for Plan B." He leaped over the desk and ran out of the room.
The boy blinked. After a moment, he exclaimed, "Hey! Come back here!" and ran after Pouch.
Pouch ran down the hallways as quickly as he could. All around him, guards were alerted as he ran by, and they all joined in the chase. However, the boy in the green windbreaker cut ahead of them all, wearing a pair of snazzy new roller blades. The guards stopped, dumbfounded, all scratching their heads at the sight.
The boy reached into his windbreaker and pulled out a crate of some kind. Scrawled across the side in bright letters were the words "Acme Black Holes". He reached in and pulled out what looked like an animated rubber pancake and flung it past the fleeing Argonaut. It landed on the ground in front of Pouch who, noticing it, didn’t have time to slow or change direction. The moment his foot touched it, he fell through into the hole and disappeared.
The boy stopped in front of the black hole. Peeling it up off of the ground, he slipped it into his jacket and walked away.
* * *
"I can’t reach him anymore," Seeker said. "He must’ve already left."
"The ‘Tavern’. Does this place have a cafeteria or a lunch room of some sort?" Super Jen asked.
"It should," Seeker said. "Hold on while I try to locate it."
Outside the door, Flip looked up and down the hallway, but no guards seemed to be in this area. He blinked. Suddenly, a boy about Brian’s age was standing next to him, rather nonchalantly, just looking at him.
Flip immediately fell into a battle stance.
The boy reached into his windbreaker, then held up that hand, holding up what looked like a plastic, bat-shaped item. He spread his fingers, revealing several more of the bat-things like a magician would make a hand of cards appear. Winding up his arm, he threw them all at Flip.
Flip dodged three of them and knocked aside a fourth. Bat-a-rangs? "You shouldn’t play with toys…" he growled, "that violate the Fourth Wall!"
An anvil fell on Flip, briefly stunning him.
The boy smiled. "You’re a tough one, aren’t you?" he asked. Then he pulled out a huge mallet; it was so big that, logically, it shouldn’t be able to fit in that hallway. But somehow, it did fit. And it did come crashing down on Flip, rather hard.
The crash alerted those in the office. Brian and Super Jen opened the door and noticed a huge crater where Flip had been standing. And in that crater’s center was a Flip-shaped impression, and a business card. Written on the card was the name "Zachary Walker". The dark antihero was nowhere to be seen.
Super Jen, wearing a red jacket and a cross necklace, walked into a darkened jail cell. A giant NERV logo was emblazoned on the wall. The light from the open door fell on Brian, who was sitting on the floor in a white lab coat, knees drawn up to his chest.
"Zachary Walker…who is he?" Super Jen asked.
"He may be…the Fifth Minion," Brian said slowly and dramatically.
THUNK!!
"Okay, we got an anvil for that one," Brian muttered from beneath the huge iron weight, "but you have to admit, that was worth it!"
Super Jen moved her anvil aside, sat up and blinked. "How do you know? About him being a Minion?"
"Well, think about it. Everyone else has met up with some Minion whom they’ve had to defeat on their own. Darfeld Senshire, that wraith girl, Kev Vashkar, the Black Dragon. It makes sense that there’d be one more Minion. For dramatic purposes."
"But that’s—"
"A Fourth Wall violation?" Brian braced himself for the anvil. It landed on his head with a thud! "Oh, without a doubt…"
"So he’s already gotten to Flip; he might have already gotten Pouch, too. Then," Super Jen said, "what about…"
Somewhere in another office, after typing in a series of keys, the boy hit ‘Delete’. There was a flash of lightning, and he disappeared into the computer screen.
Seeker, meanwhile, frowned at the input he was getting. He couldn’t seem to locate the building’s layout. He might have to….
Opening an experimental Gensokaze program, he synched with the body suit and removed a jack from the suit’s index finger, plugging it into the computer. He’d never done a complete synchronization with a network before; he’d never had time to complete experiments in the lab. But it was now or never…
The world expanded into a white haze, and suddenly he was floating in what appeared to be a mass of circuits and information. Rooting through them, he found the map program and sent the data to output on the screen. He would’ve liked to take the time to explore what he could, to find out more about this evil organization, but he needed first to meet up with Pouch. Once together, then they could figure out what to do—
"Hold it right there, ‘pesky Argonaut’!" a voice called.
Seeker’s cyber persona looked up, to see a boy grinning wickedly down at him. He was wearing red long underwear, with a big M! on the front.
"What the—" Seeker began. Even in cyberspace, such a Fourth Wall violation shouldn’t be allowed, but…
The boy grabbed him by the arm and grinned. "Hello, Mr. Man!" he cried, before zapping Seeker with a few thousand volts of electricity.
Inside the office, the Gensokaze gave a slight jerk and sagged in the chair, smoke rising from many of its joints.
"Seeker!" Super Jen exclaimed, running into the ground, Brian right behind her. Pulling off his helmet, she checked for a pulse. "Good, he’s just unconscious."
Brian, however, didn’t notice. He was focusing on the computer screen.
"Looks like he was attacked somehow," Super Jen said. She noticed the jack. "He must’ve…hooked up to the computer somehow."
Brian smiled. "Don’t worry; he was able to get the necessary information in time. Look!" He pointed to the screen; spread across it was a layout of the building complex.
"Great! So we’ll just have to carry him there." However, the moment she said it, Super Jen had her doubts. That Gensokaze looked heavy.
"No need," Brian said. "He’ll be safe here for now; and he’ll come when we need him."
"What are you talking about?" Super Jen demanded.
"Ah—ah," Brian said, raising a finger. "Things will become clear soon enough. You must learn patience."
Super Jen blinked. "Um, how long will that take?"
"It is not a destination to be reached, but a road to be traveled, Ed Grubberman."
She blinked even harder. "Ed Grubberman? What the heck are you talking about? Brian?"
Brian started, as if broken out of a trance. "Oh, sorry. Got to quoting again." He turned to the door. "Let’s go!"
"…Right…" She rolled her eyes and followed him out of the office.
* * *
The boy called Zachary Walker sat in the cafeteria, humming to himself and eating some Strawberry frozen yogurt. He cast a glance at the door; Brian and Super Jen hadn’t arrived yet. Flip was sagging, unconscious, in a chair, exactly where he’d left him. Pouch was still safely tucked away in a black hole, and Seeker wouldn’t be coming along any time soon. Unless…
Brian burst through the door. "Hold it right there!"
"I should say the same to you." The Minion lifted what looked like a very large ray gun of some kind and pulled the trigger. A beam of light blasted towards the Argonauts…
Brian reached into mallet space and pulled out the unconscious Seeker, still in the Gensokaze, and held it in front of him. Fortunately, the armor was still intact enough to protect both him and Seeker from the blast.
The Minion smirked. "Forget someone, did we?"
Super Jen’s scream cut through the hum of the ray gun; her umbrella hadn’t been strong enough to protect from the blast, and she was thrown back to skid along the floor, the scorched, smoking umbrella clattering beside her.
"Jen!" Brian exclaimed.
Super Jen struggled to get up. She glared at the Minion, who sat, rather nonchalantly, on a table, the nozzle of the ray gun still smoking. "Why…you…" she managed to growl before dropping to the floor, unconscious.
Brian dropped Seeker, who landed on the ground with a thump. "Didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s not polite to hit a girl?" he demanded.
"Don’t worry, she’s just unconscious. Besides," and he pointed at Brian, "it’s you I want. I’ve been saving you for last, because I know who you are and where you’re from. And so I thought that this would be a fun challenge for me." He posed dramatically. "My name is Zachary Walker." He adjusted his own baseball cap, which was on his head backwards. "And I challenge you, Brian of the Argonauts…also known as Brian Hykes…to a Fourth Wall Breaking Competition!"
"But we’ll just be hit by anvils! You can’t just go around breaking the Fourth Wall indiscriminately—" Brian cut himself off, and tensed for the anvil. After a moment, nothing happened. He looked up at the ceiling curiously, scratching his head.
"I can create a field that is immune to the Fourth Wall Detector," Zachary said. "And I can extend it to include this entire area. I call it…an A.S. Field."
"A.S. Field?"
"Absolute Stupidity. We can fight as we will, using the full extent of our respective powers, without fear of…retribution. Do you accept?"
Brian stood there a long moment. "I accept."
"Took you a long moment to decide."
"You must learn patience, Ed Grubberman." Brian smiled. Zachary blinked. Unfortunately, the moment it dawned on him what Brian was doing, it was too late. "Boot to the head!"
The boot came down on the Minion’s head. He staggered backwards, shaking his head to clear his vision. "Well…impressive first move." He pulled out a ballpoint pen. "Bob Dole doesn’t need this." Putting the pen away in his jacket, he reached in, trying to find a suitable counter attack. "Hmm…let’s see…try this!" He let fly with several spinning tiger-striped bandanas.
Brian turned around and was suddenly wearing a hockey mask and holding a chainsaw. As the bandanas closed in one at a time, he held up the spinning blade and cut them all in half. Then he leapt forward, the chainsaw whirring loudly.
Zachary reached into mallet space for some kind of defense, and pulled out an Acme Black Hole. The chainsaw went into the hole instead of through the Minion’s neck. Brian, seeing the hole, pulled the weapon out. Suddenly, Pouch poked his own head out of the hole.
"Zat was too close, Brian. A whisker to the left and I vould be missing some very eemportant parts of my face." He leapt out of the hole and looked around, and saw Seeker, Super Jen and Flip unconscious. "Hey, ees dis our enemy?" He pulled out his feather sword.
"Hold it, Pouch," Brian said, tossing aside the hockey mask. "This is between him and me. An honor duel. You know, they do it all the time in those samurai movies."
"Oh, okay…" He put his feather back in his cap. "Carry on."
This time, Zachary pulled out a small red-and-white ball. "Persian, I choose you!"
Brian countered immediately. "Primeape, I choose you!"
The cat and the monkey faced off, the cat hissing and using its Scratch attack, and the monkey making monkey noises and using its Fury attack. It was a real cat fight…well, a cat and monkey fight; I mean, well, you get the idea.
"Persian, return!" "Primeape, return!"
Zachary pulled out a large white sword with a blue hilt and leapt forward. "Master Sword!" he cried.
Brian fell back and pulled something from his own jacket. "Highland Shield!" The Sword cut into the shield, and the Minion pushed the Argonaut back with the sheer force of his attack. Brian summoned all of his sense of pure reality (which wasn’t much, but hey), and created a hexagonal shield around himself. "AT Field active!" he exclaimed. "Beat that!"
Zachary leapt back, putting aside the Master Sword, and pulling out the Spear of Longinus. He pointed it at Brian, popping the AT field like a bubble, tossed the Spear aside, and pulled out a Batlev instead.
"Interesting choice," Brian said, pulling out his own Batlev. The Minion attacked first, slashing horizontally, trying to cut Brian in two. But the Argonaut had seen enough episodes of Star Trek to know a good countering move. The two squared off, slashing, blocking, pressing and parrying.
Pouch slipped to the side of the fighting area, pulling Super Jen and Seeker away from the immediate danger zone. "Seeker, Seeker!" he hissed, pulling off the Gensokaze helmet and shaking the unconscious mecha pilot.
"Huh—what?" Seeker looked around, dazed. "I’ll have the budget report ready for the Student Government soon…" he muttered, "just don’t hurt my family…"
"This isn’t a political meeting!" Pouch exclaimed. "Look!"
Seeker blinked, and his vision cleared, revealing Brian and Zachary slashing at each other with Batlevs. "My God…they’re having a fight…"
"…and no one’s color commentating!" Pouch finished his thought. "I know…the horror, the wrongness of it all!"
Seeker brushed aside the napkin baskets set up on one table and slid into a chair, Pouch beside him. "Well, Pouch," he began, suddenly wearing business casual and holding a microphone, "this is heating up to be one heck of a fight!"
"I’ll say, Seeker. Just look at our two contestants going at it! Those Batlevs were stolen from the Star Trek universe, just for our entertainment here at A.R.G.O Fighting Federation!"
Zachary jumped forward, pressing his attack and slashing downward across Brian’s own batlev. In a split second, the latter fell apart, sliced in two. Brian ulped. Zachary grinned. Holding the batlev up high, he brought it down on the Argonaut…
"Go Go Gadget Coptah!" Brian exclaimed. Out of his baseball cap, a small helicopter propeller emerged and lifted him out of the way. He flew up to the ceiling and landed on a handy rafter. "Okay, stop!" he said. The copter didn’t comply, but jerked in various directions, sputtering and making odd noises. "Stop, I say! Drat, even in a fan fiction, nothing works!" After a moment more of struggle, the copter sputtered a couple more times and retracted.
"Okay, now what do I do?" Brian asked. "I know!" He reached into his jacket and pulled out a telephone, dialing a number. "Hello, Goddess Helpline? I could use a hand, here!"
Suddenly, a certain young Goddess of the Future popped up out of Seeker’s coffee cup. Skuld looked around curiously, then pulled out her futuristic mallet and brought it down on the Minion’s head. Then, just as quickly, she disappeared. Seeker blinked, looking at the remaining coffee and rubbing his head. "Okay," he said, "that’s the last time I’m ordering Starbucks!"
He’s better than I thought, Zachary thought, rubbing his head. This might get sticky. I’m gonna have to get serious. He reached into mallet space and, with a great effort, pulled out a full-sized card table. Sitting down, he pulled out a deck of cards and began laying them down on the table. "I tap ten forests and…Stream of Life!" he cried, throwing down the card.
Brian pulled out his own deck of cards, and threw a hand onto the table. There was the sound of a toilet gurgling, and a large amount of water poured onto Zachary. The Minion sputtered, "Wh-what was that?!"
"A Royal Flush!" Brian crowed. He pulled out a small sac and reached in, pulling out a small bean. "Ah, Senzu beans! Gotta love ‘em!" he said, popping one into his mouth.
"A surprise recovery by both warriors!" Pouch said at the commentator’s table. "This battle might get really serious, as Brian and Zachary both start to get really down and dirty!"
Brian and Zachary faced each other from across the cafeteria; each wasn’t about to give in to the other. Brian clenched his hands into fists and brought his knuckles together. "Twin Power, active!" he cried, and turned into…a bucket of water.
. . .
"Um, you know, on second thought, maybe this wasn’t such a good move," Brian said. "What kind of power is the ability to turn into water, anyway? Come on! I mean, I could be defeated by a sponge! It doesn’t even have to be an evil sponge!"
Zachary checked his watch. "Are you done yet?"
"Yeah, there really isn’t anything I can do with this move. Your turn."
"Okay, then." Zachary put on a hat and a red-and-black striped t-shirt, and pulled out a glove that ended in long spikes. He grinned maniacally and jumped at Brian (who had turned back into himself), slashing out with his gloves. Brian fell back under the attacks, trying to avoid the blows, but a couple came through, causing slices to form on the front of his puffy winter jacket.
"Hey!" Brian exclaimed. "That jacket’s been just like a jacket to me!" He unzipped it to reveal a big red ‘S’ on a blue shirt. "Faster than a speeding turtle, able to leap tall fences in a single bound, I am Superman!…Or maybe just Pretty Good." He picked up a table and threw it at Zachary.
The Minion blinked and pulled out what looked like a strange vacuum hose attached to a backpack. "Fire Buster!" he cried, flame shooting out of the nozzle.
The flames engulfed Brian.
"Oh my god! A terrible move by the Fifth Minion!" Seeker cried. "Oh, the humanity!"
"Seeker, this is a terrible day in the world of Anime Sports Entertainment…I think…I’m gonna cry!" Pouch rubbed his eyes. "Turn the camera off! Turn the camera off!"
"And here with us today as special guest commentator for this occasion is Flip, who, as I understand, has recently regained consciousness."
Flip’s head was bowed before the microphone where he sat next to Pouch. "This…is a dark day for the forces of justice."
"Hey, look!" Seeker interrupted. "Coming out of the flames, it’s—"
Seemingly made of liquid metal, Brian stepped forward determinedly out of the fire. Glaring at Zachary, he reformed himself.
"Well, well…looks like you played that Gambit well… But can you take this one?" Zachary let loose with a series of glowing cards.
Brian pulled out Chichiri’s staff and twirled it, deflecting all the cards. However, he didn’t notice Zachary’s follow-up attack with another familiar staff, normally found in the Cajun hands of a certain mutant. He held up his own staff to hold back the blow. However, the wood strained under the force, and snapped. "Oh, shoot—" he muttered, and pulled out Wolverine claws. "Let’s rock, bub," he said to the Minion.
Zachary frowned. "Huh, you think that’ll stop me? Brian …no…Baka!" He pulled out a giant mallet and brought it down on the Argonaut.
"Oh, no!" Pouch exclaimed from the commentator’s table. "The Fifth Minion has let loose with his signature attack!"
"Will Brian be able to recover from this literally crushing blow?" Seeker asked.
"That’s a good question, Seeker. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
"Um, Pouch, what exactly is in that coffee of yours?"
"It’s hooch. And to answer your question, I don’t know, Seeker, but I can’t feel anything beneath my neck!" Pouch replied, way too perkily.
Zachary picked up his mallet and threw it back into mallet space. Lying in the crater, face down, was Brian, struggling to get up. The Argonaut clenched and unclenched his fist, trying to…trying to…
There! A lightsaber appeared, humming brightly. Brian managed to get to his knees, trying to stand up all the way, but the mallet had taken a lot out of him. He held out the lightsaber in front of him, and advanced, waving the weapon threateningly. He brought it down on the Minion—
But it was stopped by Zachary’s own lightsaber. "Heh, you’re too weak to use that effectively!—"
Brian leaned forward and poked Zachary in the eyes. "Nyuk nyuk!"
Zachary blinked furiously, stepping back. The blade of his lightsaber disappeared, and he rubbed his face with one hand. Suddenly, he stopped, and grinned— and purple lightning engulfed Brian, throwing him back onto the floor. "Did you think you could stop me and save your friends?" the Minion asked. "How foolish. You’re not strong enough to be the hero in this series! You’re just the comic relief!"
Brian lifted his head up weakly. "That’s not true," he said. "The world needs laughter! People need to believe…in the power of the foolish! The absolutely stupid! We need our Weird Als and our Irresponsible Captain Tylors, our monkey kings and our Tom o’ Bedlams!" He grimaced at the pain in his body. He was losing, fast.
"Brian…" a weak voice came from behind him. It was Super Jen, regaining consciousness. "Brian," she said, "use the forks…"
Brian looked around him. There, near the edge of his reach, was a basket of plasticware that had fallen off of a table. He grabbed several of the plastic white forks and threw them at the Minion.
He brushed them aside easily.
"Well, it was worth a try."
Zachary frowned, stepping forward. "Pathetic! The silly have their place…but not at the head of the team! And now, young Jedi…you will die." Purple lightning flooded Brian’s body.
"Rrggh…" Brian lifted his head. "I…" he pushed himself to his knees, "will…" he struggled to his feet, "I will succeed!" He held up his hand. "Ifurita’s Power Key Staff!"
The staff came into glowing, magnificent existence in Brian’s hand. It filled with a blinding light, then exploded outward, filling the entire cafeteria with a deafening boom! The walls were blown away and furniture went flying. If one had for some reason been flying over the Northern hemisphere, one might have seen a glowing white ball appear somewhere in Pennsylvania…right before one asphyxiated from lack of oxygen.
The light faded. Brian stood in the middle of the room, holding the Power Key Staff, right before it disappeared back into mallet space. On the floor, sprawled out and smoking, lay the Fifth Minion. Nearby, hiding behind the overturned commentary table, sat the other four Argonauts.
"This…" Pouch said, "is by far the most wonderful and purely moving victories I have ever witnessed in Anime Sports Entertainment! I think…I’m gonna start to cry again…" He shuddered and turned away. "Turn the camera off! Turn the camera off!"
Across town (which the Argonauts could see from where they were, seeing as most of the walls had been blown away), debris that had been blown into the stratosphere was starting to rain down again. In one particular Algainy parking lot, an antique claw-footed bathtub landed on Seeker’s car. Well, there’s a first time for everything.
Zachary stood up and brushed himself off, stepping towards Brian. "Good victory," he said. "It looks like I underestimated you. Perhaps you are worthy of leading the Argonauts."
"Great!" Brian said. "Time for some ramen!"
"….Perhaps…" Zachary repeated dubiously. "Well, anyway, I’ll be returning to my own home now. Since I lost to you, there’s no reason for me to continue working for the Boss anymore. He’d just have me killed anyway. I wish you luck!" Zachary turned and disappeared, just like that. And just when no one was looking…
"Looks like we’ve finally defeated all of the Minions," Seeker said, standing up and eyeing the smoking, dented remains of the Gensokaze.
"Not quite!" came a threatening voice. "There’s still one more you have yet to defeat! I’m the final Minion!"
They looked around for the source of the voice. It came from outside, beyond the ruined remains of the wall.
"You?" Pouch asked. "But you’re just a mailbox!"
The mailbox sagged. "No one pays attention to me…" it mumbled dejectedly.
The Argonauts walked back into the remains of the cafeteria. "Looks like all we have left is to confront the Boss," Seeker said.
"Hey, look at this!" Super Jen moved aside a table. "It looks like that blast blew a hole into the floor. There seems to be a tunnel down here!"
The Argonauts peered into the hole. "Looks like you’re right, Super Jen," Brian said. "Shall we go and see what’s down here?"
"Guys," Pouch said, remembering what he’d seen earlier, in the Boss’s office. "About the Boss, he’s…"
"Let’s go!"
Pouch sighed, shrugged and jumped into the tunnel with the others. "Sounds good to me."
* * *
Inside his office, the Boss frowned. "So, the final Minion has failed, has he?" He flipped through the manila folders on his desk. "Let’s just see who exactly these Argonauts are…" After a moment, he frowned. "What’s this? ‘Time travelers’?! ‘Aliens from another dimension’?! This doesn’t help us at all!" Disgusted, he threw the dossiers into the fire and glared at the ceiling of his office for a long moment. Finally, he hit the general intercom. "Attention, employees. The Argonauts are inside the headquarters.
"I want them stopped immediately."
Author’s Notes
There were a lot of in-jokes in this episode, so here’s a basic run-down.
Various references to the Power-puff Girls, Freakazoid and Mystery Men. All worthy shows/movies. Check them out.
‘Ed Grubberman’ and the faux Eastern philosophy is courtesy the famous ‘Boot to the Head’ skit which can be heard on Dr. Demento’s radio show, also worthy entertainment. Check it out.
Pouch’s conversation is based on NERO, a live-action role-playing game that most of the Argonauts participate in. His name, ‘Pouch’, is actually taken from the character he plays in NERO. ‘Boris’ is Josh’s NERO character, and is ‘Pouch’’s oldest brother. ‘Hooch’ is the gypsy drink that’s popular at NERO, and nearly every gypsy has his or her own special recipe. Out-of-game, it’s usually made from various combinations of non-alcoholic juice and soft drinks, but in-game it has a very strong intoxicating effect.
‘Yorick’ is the name that Brian uses for his monkey pookah character in the RPG Changeling: The Dreaming, where modern-day faeries live in a delicate balance between banality and glamour.
In RL, Brian insisted that his minion wear a green windbreaker. Don’t ask me why; I just write the stories.